


Blue Neighborhood

by Grounderclarke



Category: The 100, The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Foster Family, Alternate Universe - High School, Clexa, Clexa smut, F/F, Fine Stud Lexa, Foster Care, Smut, alternative universe, clexa au, lexa - Freeform, party griffin, the100 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-07-10 07:53:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 139,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6974299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grounderclarke/pseuds/Grounderclarke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa met Clarke one day in third grade; the same day she found out that she was never going to see her biological parents again. Lexa just so happened to be lucky enough that Jake and Abby become her foster parents. But Clarke? Clarke could never be her sister. Lexa wants a family. But she also wants Clarke.</p><p> A story of two girls who never had a chance, but made one anyways.  </p><p>Or when Clarke and Lexa are Foster Siblings and end up wanting very different things, and realize too late that they want the same thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "Shut up. I just hate Clarke." 
> 
> "No, you don't." Anya pipes up with a teasing smile. 
> 
> "You're right. I don't hate Clarke. Just her and annoying habits of making me want to hate her. But seriously, am I being a bitch about it? She's the one ignoring me."
> 
> "Oh, Lex." Anya teases as she wraps her arm around Lexa's shoulders, leading them to her car as Lexa pulls out the snack Clarke packed for her. "When are you going to stop being so oblivious?" 
> 
> (Anya's just a little shit who knows too much)

Lexa met Clarke one day after school in fourth grade. She was waiting for her dad to come and pick her up, and the sun was almost down. Lexa was sitting on the curb in the front of her school, her knees tucked underneath her chin. She was alone, waiting. Usually her mother is her by now. 

Jake, Clarke's dad is the one who found her. He sat down next to her, and talked to her. He was the first time Lexa had heard of Clarke, the blonde haired, blue eyed girl that apparently went to the same school. He even offered to call her parents, asking her if they knew she was still here, alone. 

When they didn't pick up the phone, and Lexa was close to tears, her bottom lip trembling, Jake just smiled gently and offered to drive her home himself. They weren't home, either. This time, it was harder for Jake to smile. He then took her home, where she met Clarke. 

She met Abby first, though. Jake had led her into the kitchen, where Abby was cooking, her back to them. "Jake, you're la-"

"Jake, who's this?" Abby demands, pointing her spoon at him accusingly. "What did you do this time?"

"I found her on the streets. She's on speaking terms though..." He looked down at Lexa, and smiled. "I think." Jake shrugs sheepishly as Abby sends him a glare.

"Jake, why didn't you ca-" Abby froze, looking down at Lexa with her wide, green eyes. She sighed, glaring at Jake. Whatever happened to Lexa can wait to be taken care of tomorrow, and it's the least they can do is take her in. Abby then offers Lexa a smile. "Why don't we get you cleaned up and ready for dinner? I hope you like lasanga."

"Clarke, honey!" Jake shouted up the stairs as Abby led her to a seat at the table. "Come on down, it's time for dinner!"

Clarke came running down the stairs, hints of paint on her hands as she sits down next to Lexa, and smiling at her. "Hey. You're Lexa, aren't you?" Clarke asks, busying herself with her food, and Lexa's startled. Clarke Griffin, the loud, social kid in her class remembers her. Lexa didn't talk to anyone in her class- mostly because she was too afraid to say anything, and part of it was because they simply weren't interested. 

Lexa nodded, biting her lip. She remembers spending the rest of the night in silence, only tuning in whenever Clarke talked. That night, when she couldn't sleep, she found her way to Clarke's room, where her blue eyes were filled with awe as they looked out the window from her bed. 

Clarke jumps when she notices Lexa, but invited her into her room anyways, the door closing quietly behind Lexa. "Hi, Lexa. Can't sleep?" 

Lexa just shrugs as she sits next to Clarke, still too nervous to say anything. 

"That's okay. You don't have to talk. I just like looking at the stars. Sometimes I try to draw it, but I'm not good enough to do that." 

Lexa's eyes land on the art set resting on Clarke's desk, and she smiles slightly. She wasn't good at art. She didn't understand a thing about art, but it was clear that it was something Clarke enjoyed. Lexa can't remember how many times she was told to be quiet for talking about something she enjoyed, to the point where she didn't like it at all anymore. 

She doesn't want Clarke to feel that way, and her throat scratches a bit when she says it, but she doesn't regret it. "Tell me about it." Lexa whispered into the night. 

Clarke's smile widens immediately, and she's talking quickly about all of the different ways to draw something, how she rather use paint and a canvas, but likes that she can carry her sketch book- and Lexa's amazed by the glint in her bright blue eyes and the way her hands move. Delicate but fast movements, and it's no surprise that she's an artist. Lexa ends up falling asleep next to Clarke, with the window still open. 

Abby found them there the next morning, curled up in the middle of Clarke's small bed. She shakes them awake gently, trying to hide her surprise as Jake whispers, "Told ya Clarke would like her." Before kissing her on the forehead and disappearing out the front door. 

Clarke lent Lexa some clothes, and in the kitchen Lexa picked Cheerios over the pancakes sitting in a stack with the bottle of syrup next to them. Abby only smiles as she pours Lexa another bowl of Cheerios- happy that Lexa has agreed to eat anything. 

Abby watches from the sink as Clarke ends up feeding Lexa a piece of her pancakes. She surprised at first, because Clarke never shared her food, but then she's even more surprised as they erupt in giggles, and Clarke shares the rest of her pancakes, the second bowl of Cheerios forgotten. 

The ride to school was less eventful, but Lexa finally uttered a few words, thanking Abby for breakfast before running to catch up with Clarke. Abby didn't know it then, but that's the moment Lexa stole her heart. 

Fourth grade instantly became easier for Lexa, because for once, she knew that Abby would come pick her and Clarke up after school. And Abby was never late. It was almost as if she knew just how much Lexa needed the support- and Clarke? 

Clarke took care of her better than her real parents did. Clarke was the one who made sure she finished her lunch at school, who made sure she was never alone. Clarke understood more than Jake an Abby did. 

Until one day, when their teacher, Mr. Adams had decided that they would do a project on their family- family pictures, their pet, favorite vacation. Lexa had a home. Clarke was her best friend. Jake and Abby took care of her- but she was sure of one thing. They were not her family. It was simple luck the day Jake found her. Lexa almost had a breakdown, because what type of person doesn't have a family? Everyone should have a family. But it was clear that Lexa didn't. 

That night, Clarke climbed on the counter in the laundry room to get to the special camera that they aren't allowed to touch, grabbed the tripod and made Jake and Abby sit on the couch. She took time and braided Lexa's hair before setting the timer and hopping onto Jake's lap. She poked Lexa in the stomach, knowing that the wide, crooked teeth smile would be inevitable. 

Clarke insisted on keeping the camera for the rest of the night, taking pictures of Lexa with almost anything, and things took an unexpected turn when Lexa took the camera from Clarke's hands. 

"It's your turn," Lexa said when they were locked in Clarke's room. Clarke was only eight at the time, but she already had charcoal and sketches thrown across her room. Lexa smiled as she turned it onto the video mode, "Tell me about your drawings." 

The moment Clarke dives into her explanation of why she choose to draw a turtle, Lexa forgets about the camera and watches in awe as Clarke- her wide grin and soft voice pulling her in. Lexa never found art interesting, but Clarke easily made it the most interesting thing Lexa has ever heard of. Lexa loved hearing Clarke talk- especially about her art. It distracted Lexa from what she was feeling, and was able to focus on Clarke. 

A few days later, on the weekend, when Clarke and Abby came back from the store, Clarke found Lexa sitting on the couch with her dad watching baseball- Lexa falling asleep, a ratty baseball glove in her hand. Clarke sat next to Lexa, poking her stomach gently, and Lexa smiles tiredly as Clarke handed the shorter girl a full envelope. 

"What's this?" Lexa asked curiously, looking over at Jake unsure of exactly what to do, but he looked just as confused as she did, and when Lexa looked over at Abby, she just gave her an encouraging smile. 

"It's pictures of us, duh. Because you're part of our family now." Clarke says with a proud smile.  

Later that night, Abby found Clarke and Lexa looking through the pictures in Clarke's room, and it was the first time that Lexa had finally realized exactly how much the Griffins had given her. Clarke was right. They were her family now, and it didn't matter who thought otherwise. After Clarke fell asleep, a picture of her and Lexa in her hand, Lexa left to find Abby.

At the time, Lexa liked Jake better. He was more patient with her, but Abby was the one who got the pictures printed, no doubt at Clarke's demand, but even then, Lexa wanted to thank Abby. Her and Abby were slowly warming up to each other - even though it was already clear that Abby cared so deeply. 

"Hey, Lex. What's up?" Abby asked once she noticed the small girl walk into the kitchen. Abby remembers the first time she saw Lexa, the sad, confused eyes as Jake had his signature smirk, but it turned into a gently smile when he looked down at her. Abby could barely believe that it was already almost five months ago. 

"I- I just wanted to say thank you for the pictures." Lexa said nervously, playing with the ends of her shirt. "It means a lot."

Abby smiled sadly, nodding in acknowledgment, drying her hands quickly. It was hard for her to believe that it's only been a few weeks since Jake brought Lexa home. Lexa had grown to be an important part of their family. Abby wasn't afraid to admit that. But she was afraid how Lexa would react. "Don't worry about it, Lex," Abby says, picking Lexa up with ease. "But it's time for bed, okay, sweetie?"

Twenty minutes later, and Lexa was tucked tightly underneath her blankets, and Abby kisses her forehead before leaving. She's about to turn off the light when Lexa's voice stops her. "Mrs. Griffin?" 

The sadness in Lexa's voice is what makes her concerned, and she turns around to face Lexa, who's holding on tightly to one of the stuffed animals Clarke had given to her. "We're family, aren't we? Me and Clarke will always be friends, right?"

"Of course, Lex. Clarke loves you. You're her best friend. You're part of our family now, I mean, you even have your own bed!" Lexa smiles slightly at Abby's enthusiasm, but it turns into a frown quickly. 

"But what if my other family comes back? I don't want to leave here." 

Abby walks back over to Lexa, kissing her forehead again. Abby would be lying if she said she hadn't thought about the same thing. It's funny, just how important someone can become in such a short amount of time. "You'll never have to leave. I promise. They'll have to go through us if they want to get you back." 

After Abby left, laying in bed next to Jake, she brought it up again. It was their highlight for the past two days. Jake puts down his book, and Abby looks longingly at Lexa's closed door before asking, "What if they come back, Jake?" 

Jake only smiled, his hand falling onto Abby's arm, "They shouldn't. They don't deserve her. And if they do, I just might kill them." Abby looks over at him, a sad smile plastered on her face. 

"I don't think she'll be able to handle it. She's too gentle and caring to let you get to them if they do," there's some unwanted tension between them before Abby goes on, "I think we don't deserve her, either, Jake."

"Hey. Nothing is gonna take Le-"

They both freeze when they hear her door crack open. Jake drops his book, and Abby can only chuckle softly as they watch Lexa disappear into Clarke's room. They sit there for a few minutes, waiting for muffled giggling, but it never happens. They both know that it wouldn't come anyways. Clarke and Lexa never cause trouble. It's almost as if they are too interested in each other to ever cause trouble. 

Jake looks over at Abby, his face lit up with fondness, "I'm starting to think she loves Clarke more than we do. We're never letting her go. She's special."

"Never." Abby says in agreement, knowing that she'll find the two girls in the middle of Clarke's bed, their hands intertwined the next morning. She only smiled at the sight, and decided to let them sleep for a few more minutes, giving Jake time to snap a photo before going to work and saying, 

"Take care of my girls." Abby can only smile in response, pulling the covers up to their chins, knowing that they must be tired from staying up late last night. Lexa shifted slightly, but doesn't awake, gripping Clarke's hand harder. 

Abby knew that Jake's assumptions on Lexa were mostly correct, but she still can't believe exactly how well the two young girls already know each other. It was almost if they had know each other their entire lives, and not thrown together by some sort of fate. Later that day, Abby notices a small hint of a drawing peeking out from underneath Lexa's pillow. 

And for Lexa, the rest of fourth grade was a breeze.

***

It was the first day of fifth grade when Clarke and Lexa met Raven, their neighbor, Octavia's new friend. Her and Clarke connected immediately. Her and Lexa butted heads all year- even to the point where a teacher had to separate them when Raven made the obvious statement that Lexa and Clarke weren't really sisters. It was an unspoken rule not to mention it- and Raven obviously didn't care.

Clarke wasn't her sister. Lexa knew that- but Jake and Abby are her parents- she's sure of that. Even then, Clarke wasn't her sister. Clarke could never be her sister. But she was family, and Lexa just wanted Raven to shut up- because nobody should tell her who's her family. The one she was born into left. Raven didn't seem to understand that. And Lexa hated it, mostly because every night Clarke promises her that they're her family now, that Lexa would never be taken away, but they didn't know that she was constantly feeling fear that they were wrong. Because maybe someday, they'd come back. And there'd be nothing the Griffins could do. 

The fear in the back of Lexa's head made her put some of her walls back up. Abby wanted to help? Lexa ignored her. Jake gave her a concerning look, she'd tell him she was fine. Clarke was the only one who could really reach to her. Lexa didn't understand it, but Clarke calmed her down without trying. Maybe it was because Lexa had gotten used to the sound of charcoal scratching paper, or Clarke's soothing voice. 

In a way, Clarke was able to fix everything. If she was angry, Clarke was there to calm her down. She was upset, Clarke would talk to her in that soothing, understanding voice. And if Lexa was too upset of tired to put up with what Clarke had to say, she'd lock herself in the room the griffin's had given her. And after a while, Clarke would slide a drawing underneath her door. Those days always ended the same. Lexa would keep her door tightly shut, but she'd talk to Clarke through her door, too embarrassed to face her. And after she heard Clarke's retreating footsteps, Lexa would put the drawing in a drawer filled with all the other ones Clarke had given her over the course of their two years together. 

But for the longest time in fifth grade, Lexa had a fire roaring in her chest. She was still young, but she was getting old enough to understand what was going around her. Here family left her, and she was lucky that Jake found her. Just thinking about it made Lexa angry. Her mother was the one who was supposed to drive her school every morning and make pancakes on Sunday mornings. Or take care of her when she had a cold. Not Jake and Abby. Lexa loved them. Especially Clarke, but she just couldn't understand why it was her. She wasn't good enough for her own mother. And maybe someday, Jake and Abby would do the same thing. She was terrified of that idea. 

Even when Lexa signed up for soccer. Her first practice, she meet Anya, a small but strong girl. Anya was the best one on the team. They instantly grew closer, in the way Clarke did with Raven at the beginning of the school year. It was her first game. Anya was like her, a foster kid. But lucky for Anya, she was adopted and happy. Lexa lived with the constant fear of Jake and Abby not wanting to adopt her, because, well, they would decide that they wouldn't want her. 

The first time her and Anya really talked about something other than soccer was when Anya accidentally knocked Lexa over during scrimmage. 

"Sorry, Lex," Anya said with a wide smile, a streak of dirt on her forehead, and Lexa only shrugged it off, but then Anya held out her hand and said, "Don't tell anyone else, but you're my favorite." 

Lexa couldn't help the smile that made its way onto her face as she took Anya's hand. "Thanks." She end up saying sheepishly before Anya ran back down the field and practice came to an end. Lexa wasn't going to lie. She enjoyed the sport, and she was thankful that Jake and Abby had signed her up. But first times are always nerve racking. Especially her first game, even though it wasas if her and Anya had the same mind. Nobody could keep up with them. It was like the rest of the team didn't exist if they were working together.

At the time, Lexa was the middle forward, and one of the girls, Anya, a year older than her was the right forward. Anya was cool. Everything Lexa had striven to be. Strong, smart, two steps ahead of everyone. Even if it was just in a game of soccer, Lexa respected the girl. 

Jake, Abby, and Clarke were all there, and Lexa remembers introducing Anya to Clarke before running off to the referee. She was nervous, bouncing on the balls of her feet, waving excitedly at Clarke who waved back, the same excitement sprawled across her face. 

Anya had to pull her roughly by the hand before Lexa could focus on the referee. Her and Anya worked well together- with Lexa's speed and Anya skill, it was hard to stop them. Anya was more than happy with working with Lexa- and the roaring fire in Lexa's chest, all the anger she had directed towards Abby and Jake over the past few weeks disappeared, and it settled down to a small purr. Soccer and her friendship with Anya had helped her calm down, taking her mind off of the constant fear in the back of her head. 

Halftime- their coach, Anya's mom let Lexa and Anya lay in the grass, her legs still burning, her lungs still aching for air. Lexa didn't mind- she was too happy to care. She was adjusting her shin guards when Anya asks her the question that nearly knocks Lexa off her feet every time she hears it- even if she knew that Anya would understand. Lexa never bothered to tell Anya that she was part of the foster care system. It wasn't important to Lexa, and she hated that it was the only thing everyone else would focus on. 

Anya's motives were completely innocent. She had tossed her water bottle into the grass somewhere a few feet away when she stopped suddenly, resting her chin on the palm of her hand and asked, "Is Clarke your sister? You two don't look the same." 

Lexa's grip tighten on her shoe laces- and for a split second, she considers the alternative of lying to Anya. She could easily tell Anya that her and Clarke are sisters, and that she looks more like Jake (which wouldn't have been a complete lie) but even then, the resemblance between her and Jake wasn't strong enough. Eventually Lexa relaxes and shrugs, giving Anya a shy smile. "Clarke isn't my sister. But she's family. So are Jake and Abby." 

The confusion was clear on one of their other teammate's face as she tries to understand what Lexa could have possible meant.- who was leaning in on their conversation. Anya ignores her, and beofre their teammate could ask anything else, their fifteen minute break is over and it's time for them to get back on the field. 

Everything was going as planned- Lexa and Anya would play for the first five and last five minutes of the game, and the middle forward on the other time was different from who she remembers, and Lexa's not sure how it happened, but the other girl mumbled something about Anya- and Lexa lost it- the fire in her chest loosing control. She's only know Anya for three weeks of practice, but it's long enough for her to care. 

The referee had to drag her off the field as Anya watched, giving her a small nod. She spent the rest of the game huddled underneath a blanket with Clarke- who has clearly lost interest in the game, drawing on Lexa's arm with a marker. 

"You don't have to be mad all the time," Clarke finally said when Abby and Jake finally took their eyes off of Lexa. "Not everyone is trying to hurt you." Lexa doesn't answer, because at the time, she agreed with Clarke, mostly because her soft blue eyes were watching her carefully, reminding her that she wasn't alone. (Five years later, Lexa regrets it) 

After the game, Anya finds her, her pale cheeks rosy from all of the running, her hair plastered to her forehead, her skin shining with sweat. Lexa already has a chill- but she ignores it as Anya helps her to her feet. 

"Thanks for doing that, Lexa." Anya whispers, a small comforting smile sent in Lexa's direction. "But I could've done that myself." Lexa just shrugs. She knows that Anya could have handled it herself, but she was so used to being worried about herself and prepared to defend herself, it felt better if she defended somebody else. 

"I just got angry. Nobody should say that." Lexa responded as Jake called for her. She thinks about ignoring him, but Anya just nods her head in his direction. 

"You should go home." 

Lexa didn't argue, but before she walks away, Anya gives her hand a reassuring squeeze. Later that week, Lexa was squeezed between Anya and a teammate as they watched Nkyo, Anya's optimistic foster brother's first hockey game of the season. 

"He's like you, Lex!" Anya shouted into her ear as the crowd erupted in cheers. "The best one on the team." She said with a proud smile, and Lexa blushed. Anya always gave her compliments. And even if they were over something as stupid as her being the 'best' player on their soccer team, it knocked Lexa off her feet for a few seconds. 

After that, her and Anya grew closer. They became more than just teammates. Anya, besides Clarke was her best friend,and she wouldn't have any other way. Clarke had Raven and Octavia. She had Anya. 

Even though her and Clarke became a little distant, the rest of fifth grade was a little easier, but nothing felt the same. 

***  
Sixth grade was one word: disastrous. 

It was bad before it even started. The summer between fifth and sixth grade, Clarke and Lexa were invited to Octavia's birthday party.  It was  a mistake that Octavia made- well it wasn't Octavia's mistake. It was Lexa's for agreeing that she'd go with Clarke. She already has hard enough time in the classroom when it comes to getting along with other kids. The first hour and half went along fine. Clarke was more than excited, and all Lexa could do was give the blonde a forced smile. Clarke was too young to understand exactly what it meant, but she hated the fact that Lexa's smile got harder and harder to find. She made Lexa help her wrap Octavia's present, and even at the young age, Lexa was already growing distant- and they're best friends. Best friends are supposed to be close. Especially when they live together.

When they knocked on the red door to Octavia's small house, her older brother Bellamy was the one who answered. They had met him a few times before- and Lexa learned that she preferred his quiet, broody personality over Octavia's loud and optimistic one. And with Raven, it was almost unbearable, but she'd never tell Clarke this. Not when they made her happy. If anything, they were the friends Clarke needed, not her. Lexa was never able to be there in the way Clarke has been, mostly because Clarke didn't need Lexa in that way. But for Lexa, Clarke held her entire world in her hands. If she didn't have Clarke, everything felt like it was falling apart- and maybe it really was.

Bellamy took the gift that was in Clarke's hand and set it on the table, and Clarke was pulling Lexa through the house before Lexa could even say anything. Lexa didn't say anything- she told herself that she wasn't going to ruin this for Clarke, who was across the room and talking happily to some other girl. Lexa didn't get why Octavia wanted so many people for her birthday party. It was almost time for presents when Lexa saw Clarke talking to the new kid- Finn Collins. She doesn't know exactly what came over her, but she hated seeing Clarke so happy with Finn. Lexa didn't think twice before she pushed him away from her.

Finn pushed her back.

Lexa fell backwards, and broke a glass on her way down. She remembers Clarke being the one who was making sure she was okay while everyone just simply stared, and Octavia mother called Jake, who took Lexa home. Clarke stayed.

Jake was more understanding than Abby. He ignored the confused look they received from her, and took Lexa into their kitchen. He let her sit on the counter as grabbed the tweezers, rubbing alcohol, ointment and the bandages. It was then when Lexa noticed the shard of glass in her arm, and the line of blood that was starting to reach her wrist. She was still angry- and she couldn't explain it. Lexa was fine with Clarke having other friends. Of course Clarke was going to make other friends- but Finn Collins? Lexa just got so angry when she saw Clarke with him.

"Lexa?" Jake asked gently, and Lexa looked up at him with wide green eyes. "Want to tell me what happened?"

"I got angry." Lexa mumbled, her shoulders hunching forward with defeat. They didn't know it then, but it would eventually become something they saw everyday- even when Lexa was with Clarke. Lexa was simply trying to look out for Clarke- afraid that the world would try to hurt Clarke the way it hurt her. Lexa was going to do her best to make sure that it didn't happen to Clarke. She deserved everything that has happened to her. She was supposed to be like that, angry and lonely, but Clarke wasn't. Clarke was her light, and she never, ever wanted to see that light die out. 

"But why? Did someone try to hurt you or Clarke?"

Lexa didn't answer, knowing that Jake would probably tell her that she was wrong to push Finn just because she was angry. Lexa knows deep down that Finn wasn't going to hurt Clarke, but the fact that he might in the future was floating around in her mind. When that day came, she knew she was going to snap and do something so much more worse than just pushing the poor kid. Silence fell between them, and for the next ten minutes, Jake patiently cleaned her arm, not as good as Abby would have- but Lexa was thankful that Jake didn't press her like Abby would have.

When it was time for bed, Lexa almost didn't find her way to Clarke's room. She was embarrassed that she let some stupid boy make her so angry, and she was afraid that Clarke would be upset with her. It was the complete opposite. When Lexa opened her door, her eyes barely adjusted to the darkness in Clarke's room before she was engulfed in a hug, and Clarke mumbling something that she missed.

Lexa wasn't going to admit it, but in the short time they spent apart she, was already missing Clarke. She didn't have to say anything, she knew that Clarke understood, and when they were laying in Clarke's small bed together, Clarke's fingers find the bandage Lexa had hidden underneath her sleeve- and surprised Lexa even more when she presses a quick kiss to it, and whispered, "Next time you get mad, push me. I'd understand." Lexa heart stopped in those few seconds. She would never hurt Clarke. Why would Clarke even want Lexa to do that? Lexa knew Clarke was just trying to make her feel better about the whole situation, but if anything, it angered Lexa even more.

"I'd never hurt you." Lexa whispers back, and Clarke just responds by resting her head on Lexa's shoulder, humming quietly. Lexa's heart was beating so fast, she was sure she'd go into cardiac arrest. She has fallen asleep next to Clarke like this before. But she never felt so conscious about it. She was afraid that Clarke could feel her fast pulse underneath her fingertips that were brushing the inside of her wrist. Clarke shifted slightly, her warm breath ghosting against Clarke's cheek, and Lexa inhales sharply before pushing her nervousness down, and closed her eyes.

Clarke fell asleep a few minutes after that, her hand still over Lexa's bandage. Lexa didn't get much sleep that night. She mulled over what happened at the party for most of the night, and the next day, when she had dark circles underneath her eyes, Abby didn't comment on it, but made sure that she reminded Lexa how much she's grown care for her. She even made Lexa her favorite dinner that night, and that's when Lexa knew something was wrong, but didn't have the courage to ask Abby what it was. 

On the first day of school, Lexa learned that she had class with Finn and Clarke. Before school  let out that day, Lexa ended up apologizing to Finn, just because she didn't want Clarke to feel like she couldn't talk to him. Lexa hated it, but Clarke was more important than what she was feeling. And Clarke would never replace her with some stupid boy, right? It bothered her when she watched Clarke hand him a small drawing in their art class.

Clarke became closer with Octavia and Raven. Even though her and Clarke grew farther apart at school, every night, she still fell asleep with her fingers tracing the scar on Lexa's arm from the party.

The middle of the year was harder than Lexa wanted it to be. Winter break was usually her favorite time of the year. Clarke complained about the cold, but Lexa loved it. She loved seeing Clarke with rosy cheeks and wrapped in a blanket on the couch with hot chocolate. She loved that Jake spent more time at home with them, telling her about his research at work. 

 

Before winter break started, Abby became busier than usual and was late a few times to pick them up. Even though Lexa couldn't remember it well, she remembers the same fear bubbling inside her chest from three years ago the night Jake found her. 

 

Winter break was different that year. Clarke paid more attention to Octavia and Raven, going over to Octavia's house and hanging out there. Clarke had offered to let Lexa come with her, but Lexa didn't want to end up ruining her friendship with the two girls, so she stayed home hidden behind a book. When Clarke was home with her, she always wanted to talk about Jake or Octavia. She even made Raven come over just to show Lexa the mechanical dog she made for a project. Lexa felt like everyone was doing everything right- and she was digging herself a hole,  guaranteeing her that eventually, her relationship with Clarke would burn out. Even Jake was too busy most of the time to keep her company. He was locked away in his office, working on research plans. 

Half way during winter break, Anya showed up at their door uninvited. Lexa didn't mind. Anya, as always, managed to save her from the overwhelming feeling of loneliness Lexa had always seem to get one way or another. 

 

Anya had spent the first half of her break on a cruise, and came back with a tan and a cheesy t-shirt for Lexa. She even proudly showed off her finalized adoption papers proudly- knowing how excited Lexa would be for her.  After an hour of happily talking and inspecting the papers, they spent most of winter break in Lexa's room as Lexa was captivated by the books she had gotten for Christmas, and Anya occasionally gently kicking a soccer ball into Lexa's lap, complaining about the snow and how she'd rather be playing soccer. She even ended up showing Lexa the pictures of the soccer field that was on her cruise ship, saying, "Someday, I'll be playing in a stadium." Lexa didn't disagree. The soccer field was where Anya belonged. 

"How's middle school?" Lexa eventually asked. She would never had admitted to  it, but school didn't feel the same without Anya roaming the halls with her. Anya had gotten her into enough trouble, but Lexa didn't mind it. In someways, Anya was a better friend than Clarke was. 

"Boring. I miss having a good player on my soccer team." Anya said in a loud, annoyed voice, and Lexa rolled her eyes. They only had four months left of the school year before they could go to that soccer club they way they planned, to keep their summers interesting. 

When Jake finished putting the new carpet in the basement, Lexa and Anya spent the rest of their break downstairs, with the occasional loud thud of a ball slamming against the wall. 

A few weeks after winter break, when the snow had finally melted enough for her and Anya to play soccer outside again, they were sitting on the Griffin's front porch, happily eating the sliced up apples Abby had made them. A few minutes before, Clarke disappeared with Raven in Octavia's house. Lexa started the conversation. She had wanted to ask since Anya showed her the adoption papers, but had been too scared of how Anya would react. 

"Aren't you afraid your family will find you again?" Lexa asked as a soccer ball landed in her hands. She wouldn't meet Anya's intense stare. She felt ashamed for asking such a stupid question. But she was itching to know. Eventually, Lexa was able to meet her gaze, and Anya just offered her a small, sad smile. 

"I'm already with my family," Anya pause, looking around the porch, as if she felt like someone was watching them before resting her hand onto of Lexa's. "So are you. Even if the Griffin's never adopt you, they love you. They're your family. The people who left you aren't your family. Papers or blood don't make a family, Lex." 

Before Lexa can say anything else, Anya's taking the ball from her, and Lexa has no choice but to chase after her. 

It was the last month of school when things went from okay to awful. She came home from school one day with Clarke, immediately going to the kitchen for a snack. She was surprised to find Jake and Abby in the kitchen. Usually only Abby is home this early.  Abby had bloodshot eyes while Jake was angrily talking to someone on the phone, and before she could make it known that she was their, Clarke grabbed her by the arm and dragged her up to her room. 

They spent the night doing homework in Clarke's room, and Lexa ended up doing Clarke's math homework while Clarke took care of her science homework. Abby found them there, Clarke's legs thrown over Lexa's torso as the read their books. 

Lexa was old enough to completely understand her relationship with the Griffins. They weren't her family. (She was too afraid of what would happen if she admitted to them being her family. She wasn't and lucky as Anya.)   But they felt like family. One day, she came home to a bloodshot eyed Abby while Jake was talking angrily on the phone. Later that night at dinner, when Clarke asked about it, they learned it was because Lexa wasn't allowed to stay with them anymore, unless they renewed their Fostering License- and even then, it would take months to get Lexa back if she moved to a different house.

Clarke was more upset than her. Lexa sat next to her, not sure of what to say to the teary eyed Clarke. She knows that she doesn't have to say anything. They're able to have complete conversations in a simply look or touch, but it didn't feel like it would be good enough now.

She took Clarke's hand in hers and smiled. "I'll be okay. In a few months, I'll be back."

"It's not fair!" Clarke exclaimed angrily, gripping Lexa's hand harder. "They shouldn't just be able to take you like this!" 

"Hey," Lexa murmurs, taking Clarke's face in her hands, and is more surprised when a tear rolls down her cheek. Lexa wipes it away quickly, her green eyes locking with Clarke's blue one. "Only a few months. We'll still see each other at school." 

Clarke only nods, and Lexa turns off the light before Clarke tightly wraps her arms around her, and Lexa can only hug her back, hoping it'll hide her own tears. 

The next day at school, Clarke doesn't talk to any of her friends. Usually, Lexa would be concerned if Clarke wasn't talking to them, but she knows why. During lunch, Clarke grips her hand so tightly, Lexa was convinced she would end up loosing it. That was a Friday. Lexa was leaving on a Sunday. 

After school, Abby came home to find Clarke and Lexa on the couch, watching the reruns of some soccer game. She doesn't say anything, but she stops and kisses each of them on their forehead before leaving into the kitchen. Clarke and Lexa spent their last two days together, glued to the couch, not sure of what else to do. They only time they even bothered to get up was for food- and they wouldn't allow themselves to fall asleep until the early hours in the morning. Jake and Abby didn't do anything about it. They couldn't bare it to pull the two girls apart. 

That Sunday, everything felt different. Lexa and Clarke didn't spend their time giggling while eating pancakes, and Jake didn't come storming in, throwing one of them over his shoulder. Instead he sat quietly next to them. All too soon there was a social worker knocking at their door. 

Before she left, she stood with Clarke at their front door with a duffle bag strung over her shoulder. She didn't pack many things, just a few pair of clothes. At the bottom, Lexa carefully packed all of the drawings she had gotten from Clarke over the years. Lexa told herself that she didn't need alot of things, as long as she had her reminder of Clarke when she was lonely. Clarke didn't say anything, except hug her so tightly, and Lexa wished it was tight enough to make her stay.

"I'll be fine," Lexa finally whispered as she hugged Clarke back. "I'm always fine. And I'll be back before you even notice." Lexa manages to smile, surprised at herself. She hadn't even left yet, and she was miserable. She didn't know how long she could last without seeing Clarke everyday after school, or making her way to Clarke's room in the middle of the night. She was going to miss everything about living with the Griffins. Everything was shattering, and Lexa couldn't make it stop. 

Lexa didn't bother to say goodbye to Clarke, knowing it was going to be too hard for her. She didn't want to cry in front of the stranger in the corner with Lexa's file tightly in her hands. If she could, she was ready to punch him right in his perfect teeth. 

As she left, she learned that his name was Frank. He offered to carry out her bag, and that's when Lexa decided she hated him as they walked to his little silver volo. If he really wanted to help, he wouldn't be taking her a new house with more strangers. She ignores his questions until they get in his car. His car smells lightly of cigarettes, masked by the smell of air freshener. 

He was watching her through his review mirror, and she was preparing herself for another annoying question, but he gives her a crooked smile, gesturing to the soccer ball in her lap. "Soccer, huh?" He asks lightly, pulling out a cigarette and a lighter. "Don't tell anyone, but I prefer our Women's soccer team over the men's." He said with a shrug. Lexa frowns slightly as he starts driving, but she can tell that he doesn't really want to do this as he keeps glancing at her over his shoulder every few minutes.

Lexa was even more surprised when he pulls into Anya's driveway, and that she's reclining in a chair, a smug smile on her lips. "Hey, Lex! You really thought I'd let you live with some strangers?" Anya asks, ruffling her hair, and Lexa grumbles as she pushes her away. 

What would she do without Anya? That was the real question. Lexa could care less on how Anya convinced her parents to take her in. Lexa knew that they already had a full house, with two other kids running around. Nyko and Indra. They were a few years older, but Lexa still surprised. 

"We got a full house, so you'll have to sleep with me. Sorry." Anya said with a shrug, grabbing Lexa's bag. Hearing Anya say that comforts Lexa. She was worried about not being able to sleep. She had gotten so used to sleeping with the warmth of comfort of Clarke, she wasn't sure if she could get used to not having the familiar warmth of something. 

That night, dinner was eventful. She finally met Indra, a tall dark, and grumpy girl who hid behind her hoodie. She met Nyko before. He was the opposite of Indra, talkative and loud. He was an optimistic at heart. If people could get a degree in it, Nyko would have been set for life. Anya's mom, Shelby made lasagna. And as much as Lexa enjoyed it, she couldn't help but thing about how much better Abby's tasted. Nkyo somehow managed to get his hockey puck on the table, and him and Anya were arguing about who leaves the most stuff lying around, and nobody pays attention when Indra walks away, leaving her food untouched. 

"Hey, Lex!" Anya elbows her roughly to get her attention, and Lexa just rolls her eyes. "I'm a very clean person, aren't I?" She as Nyko groans, saying something about how it's not fair that he's asking her. 

"Uh, sure," Lexa says with a shrug, then smiles slightly. "By the way, Nyko, a pair of your underwear is near the front door." Anya erupts in laughter as Nyko's face turns beet red, and he runs from the kitchen too. Lexa laughs too, knowing that she'll be able to adapt living with Anya quickly. 

Later that night, after Lexa had brushed her teeth, and Anya slipped into their room, Lexa hates how small and unsure her voice is, but she asks Anya anyways. "An? Can we push our beds together?" 

Anya looked at her, slightly surprised, like she has never shared a bed with anyone, but her face softens after a few seconds, and she nods. "Sure, Lex." Anya responds as she pushes her bed next to Lexa's, and offers a small smile. "Do you and Clarke normally sleep together?" She asks as she turns off the light. 

Lexa nods, even though Anya can't see her. "Uh, yeah, we do." 

"Well, I'll be your sleeping buddy until you move back, okay?" Anya said, and Lexa only nodded before she fell asleep. 

Her and Anya rode the bus to school the next day, and Lexa was convinced that Anya had drank an entire cup of sugar, because nobody should be that excited that early in the morning, especially on a school day. Before Anya could disappear into the seventh and eighth grade wing of the building, Lexa noticed Clarke talking to Finn. She couldn't explain the anger that suddenly coursed through her veins, but she knew that she better keep away from Finn if she didn't want to cause any trouble. 

"Hey, An? Soccer after school, right?" 

"Hell yeah, Lex." Anya said before running after Nyko, leaving Lexa to deal with Clarke alone. She wanted to over there and push Finn away from her again, but she knew that it would put her and Clarke on the rocks. 

And that's how she spends the rest of sixth grade. Everyday after school, it's her and Anya practicing on the field for a good hour or so, and every morning, it's the same. She sees Clarke with Finn and the rest of her friends, but Lexa doesn't talk to her. Instead, Cit's Clarke who ends up being the one who talks first, demanding that they spend lunch together. And usually, Lexa would be thankful for the effort, but on the last few days of school, she finds herself distancing herself from Clarke again. There were a lot of things that Lexa felt like she hads to keep from Clarke- things that she would never be able to tell anyone. She also never told Clarke that whenever Clarke leaves her, she feels empty inside, because nobody's supposed to feel like that.

(Also, it was easier if it was Lexa the one leaving.)

(And when Clarke got angry at her one day, Lexa didn't have the heart to tell her that even though she fell asleep in a bed next to Anya every night, she still slept with one of Clarke's drawing under her pillow.) 

***

Summer was going great. Lexa stayed up late with Anya every night, spent all day watching soccer games. Lexa finally felt like she was part of the Asher household. 

So, when Clarke and Abby stop by uninvited after not talking for almost three weeks, Lexa's jaw dropped, and so did the container of Ben and Jerry's she was getting ready to share with Anya. 

"Lexxaaaa!" Anya howls dramatically from the living room. "What's taking so long? I want my ice cream!" 

Lexa ignores her best friend's demands as she looks at Clarke. Was she taller? No, not really. Her eyes were still the same shade of blue, and her blonde hair was still down. Nothing had changed. But at the same time, everything changed. She's... Attractive. 

Clarke was always pretty. Lexa could admit that. But there was something about seeing Clarke in those jean shorts and that tank-top. Lexa looks back up at her face, and realizes that the ends of her hair are pink. Well, I guess it looks good on her. Lexa thinks, and her hands get sweaty. She shouldn't be thinking about Clarke like that. Clarke's one of her best friends. She can't just suddenly decide that Clarke's cute. More like a goddess. 

"Oh. Uh, hi, Clarke. Do you two wanna come in?" Lexa stutters, picking up the tub of ice cream before the dog can get it.  

"Lex- oh. Hi, Mrs. Griffin," Anya says when she sees Abby. "And Clarke. I thought that you guys were gonna come by and Lexa back next week. We didn't even tell her yet." 

"Yeah, well, Lexa's ready to come home. Aren't you, Lex?" Clarke asks, and Lexa sighs. It's only been a few seconds, but she already knows that Anya and Clarke are going to take a while warming up to each other. 

"Yeah, well," Anya counters back, not wasting anytime to mock Clarke, clearly annoyed. "Maybe you should let Lexa speak for herself."  

"I, uh," Lexa's thankful for the distraction with Nyko comes running down the stairs, shouting for Shelby. As much as Lexa missed Clarke, she didn't want to leave Anya. She doesn't want to worry about having to fall into a different routine again. She's not sure if she's ready to move again. The past four months with Anya and her family have been amazing. She got to practice soccer whenever she wanted with Anya, the house was never quiet. It was alive. Something was always happening, if it was the dog barking, or Anya and Nyko shouting at each other, or the music Lexa ended up playing. 

"I didn't know that the license got renewed." Lexa says dumbly, and she knows Anya rolls her eyes without having to look. 

"Give us a minute." Anya says quickly, dragging Lexa by the ear into the kitchen. 

"Hey! Ow, okay! Ow. OW!" Lexa whines when Anya smacks the back of her head. 

"Oh, shut it Lex. I didn't hit you that hard. Go back to them, alright? They've been working hard to get you back." 

"Well, if they didn't want to loose me, they should have adopted me." Lexa grumbles. 

Silence falls between them, and Lexa feels like she's suffocating. She knows that what she said was hands down one of the bitchy things she has ever said. The Griffins had given her a home for three years without expecting anything in return. Without complaining, and took care of her. Made sure she knew exactly how much they love and care for her, and she's whining over some shitty papers that'll label her as an official Griffin.

"Lex." Anya says sternly, a quiet storm in her eyes, and Lexa flinches slightly, expecting Anya to yell at her. But she doesn't. Instead, she gives her a sad, broken smile before wrapping her up in a hug. "They are your family, Lexa. Just like I am, okay? Now go pack your things and go back home with them, okay?" 

Even though Anya's holding back tears, she gives Lexa a playful shove towards the stairs, and as Lexa opens the door to her room for the past few months, she hears Anya telling Clarke and Abby that she'll be ready in a few minutes.

Anya doesn't let Lexa say goodbye, but as she's walking to the car, Anya yells after her. "Don't forget, Lex! Tomorrow. The field at three!"

"Don't forget my hockey game on Sunday, too! I expect to see you there!" Nyko shouts from his bedroom window, and Lexa just chuckles at both of them as she waves goodbye. The rest of summer, Lexa spent most of the days by Anya's side, but didn't let go of Clarke until she mumbled something about having to get up.

***

 

Meeting Clarke's eyes in the mirror, Lexa chuckles to herself. She could have died the night Jake found her, for all she knew. But instead she was able to find her family, and her best friend. And honestly, Lexa wouldn't change it for the world. Even if it meant giving up the chance to meet her biological parents again. She doesn't remember them much, and what she does remember, she knows that if she tells Jake, he'll make them regret it. 

"Are you nervous?" Clarke asks, and Lexa shrugs. The first day of high school. How hard could it be? She was used to the kids at school treating her differently, anyways, even though Clarke always, always tells her that she should never get used to that feeling. 

"No," Lexa replies sternly, and Clarke turns around to face her, a small smile on her lips. When she sees the seriousness in Lexa's expression, she frowns a bit, hating that the older they have gotten, the harder it is to make Lexa smile. "The first day of eighth grade, easy. But if anyone tri-"

"They won't," Clarke says confident that she won't let Lexa down. It'll be easy. She can sit with her and her friends at lunch. Lexa might like Wells. Clarke hopes that Lexa tries harder to interact with Octavia and Raven. She knows that there's a small chance it'll happen, seeing that Lexa prefers to be alone- and Clarke has to remind herself that it's only the first day of school- how bad can it be?  "But I want you to meet Wells. He's not as annoying as Raven, I promise." 

Lexa lets out an exasperated sigh, rolling her green eyes as she falls onto Clarke's bed. Well, their bed. Clarke hated saying it was just hers, especially when Lexa eventually found her way into in the middle of the night. Her parents had gotten Lexa one after they found out that she had nowhere to go, but even then, every day since then, they've slept together. 

It used to be because Lexa was afraid of the dark, and she was too embarrassed to ask Jake and Abby for a night light. But as they got older, it's become a habit for both of them. Lexa hides out in her room for a while, probably listening to music or reading while Clarke draws. Then Jake will come by to check on them, saying good night, and if it's Saturday night, he reminds them to wake up early so they can help him make pancakes. A few minutes after Jake passes by, it's Abby who's kissing their foreheads and making sure the lights are off. 

Five minutes. Every night. Exactly five minutes after Abby leaves Lexa's room, she finds her way into Clarke's, and sometimes, Lexa finds Clarke already asleep, but that doesn't stop her from crawling next to her, and no matter how deeply Clarke's sleeping, Lexa always feels the comforting squeeze when she grabs her hand. 

Lexa shrugs again as Clarke gives her a pleading smile. "Raven's not annoying, she's just- I don't know, she's demanding, I guess. I rather go to the library. I'd eat lunch with Anya, but she's got second lunch." 

Clarke rolls her eyes, "You are not spending lunch in the library. You are going to be social and talk to people. It's fun. You should try it sometime." 

"Not when they're douchebags like Finn." Lexa snaps back before she can think of how it'll affect Clarke. Clarke doesn't say anything, just frowns and shrugs. Lexa wants to explain that she didn't mean it, that she wasn't trying to make Finn seem like a bad guy. She was just getting irritated, but Clarke closes their bedroom door with a slam before Lexa can stop her. 

The drive to school is filled with tension, and Lexa knows Clarke's purposely trying to piss her off when she finds Finn before the bell rings. 

"Blondie already driving you crazy again, Lex?" Anya whispers into her ear, making Lexa jump. "C'mon, Lex. Who cares if she likes a douchebag, give her a reason not to like him." Anya says, wiggling her eyebrows, and turning her attention to Nyko for a few seconds, only to flick his ear as he walks by. 

"W-what? Why would I do that? I-" The bell rings, and Anya just smirks. 

"Aw, Lexa, you're so clueless." She says before kissing Lexa on the cheek before bouncing away, and Lexa rolls her eyes in annoyance, even though she can feel her cheeks heating. She still hasn't gotten used to Anya's small affections. 

She locks eyes with an angry Clarke before walking into her first period. 

Lexa's in her third period when she meets Costia. Clarke's in math, and Lexa was a few seconds late, making sure Clarke got there without any trouble, even though Clarke insisted that she didn't need Lexa's company. Clearly still upset about what Lexa said earlier. 

Walking into the room, the only empty seat was next to Costia. Lexa blushes as everyone looks at her- and blushes even more when she sees the pretty girl she'll have to sit next to. She notices that Wells is in her class, and she thinks about asking him if he wants to trade, but Lexa just sighs as she sits down, refusing to look at her. 

Later on in that class, when the teacher gave them a worksheet, Costia gives Lexa a crooked smile, and her stomach jumps- just realizing exactly how pretty the other girl is- dark skin with curly hair and a lopsided smile. Lexa finds herself staring at her for the rest of class, and when she only has half of her worksheet done, Costia just laughs and let's her hastily copy the answers. 

She barely has all the answers written down when the bell rings, signaling that it's time for lunch. Lexa thinks back to her promise earlier, regretting promising Clarke that she'll eat with her and her friends today. She loves Clarke. But Clarke wouldn't miss her when she's sitting with Wells and the rest of her friends. Besides, Clarke knows she hates loud environments- especially when it's a bunch of loud teens who look at her strangely when they ask her about her family, and all she can give them is a small mumble of how she lives with Clarke. 

So, instead of going to the cafeteria, Lexa goes to the library and finds a comfortable corner to sit in as she starts to read her favorite book for the third time. Barely ten minutes have passed, and Lexa's already fumbling with her words as she realizes that Costia's sitting down next to her, offering her another crooked smile as she nods towards the book in Lexa's hands. 

"Jurassic Park, huh?" The dark skinned girl asks, and Lexa blushes as she looks away, her fingers gripping the edges of the pages tighter. Jurassic Park. It's such a boyish thing, that Lexa can't decide if Costia's actually interested about it, or if she's mocking her, because what kind of girl is actually interested in dinosaurs?   

"Uh, yeah. I- I like the science behind it. It's really cool, and how they get out is cool, too." Lexa stutters, but manages to smile back as she tries to explain why she likes such a stupid book, but clearly fails miserably as Costia wrinkles her nose. 

"I saw the movie. The velociraptors were my favorite."  

Lexa doesn't have time to be embarrassed by how fast she responds to Costia's comment, "But the movie is wrong!" Lexa exclaims, a little louder than she intended. "The velociraptors are my favorite, too, but they weren't that big. That's a different species." 

"Yeah?" Costia challenges playfully. "How do you know?"

Lexa wasn't going to explain that the first book she read was about dinosaurs, and how she has two encyclopedia's sitting on her bookshelf that she got in fourth grade. Or how they have sticky notes sticking out with notes of her favorite species, or her favorite period. Not to mention the next two books on Squids and Space which are nearly identical. 

"I, uh, I read a lot." Lexa settles on, guessing it's a safe answer, hoping that Costia won't end up prying into her strange habits of reading. 

"Well, miss 'I don't do my science work, and copy of my partner', do you mind if I read with you?" 

Lexa shakes her head before hiding sheepishly behind her book. She hopes that Costia doesn't notice, but Lexa ends up watching her more than she does reading. And when the bell rings, signaling their last class of the day, Lexa finds out that they both have math. 

"I won't copy your answers this time, I promise." Lexa jokes, earning a smile from Costia, and her stomach does a flip. Oh, my god. I just made her smile. Lexa thinks dumbly, and nearly walks into the wall. That gets her a laugh from Costia, and she turns her head, in hopes to hide her blush. 

"Hey, Lexa!" Nyko shouts as he walks by holding his hand out for a fist bump. "Don't forget about tryouts after school!" 

"Don't worry, Nyko, I won't!" 

"Phhft. Says the girl who's forgetting that you're supposed to be pushing the door, not pulling." He says with a smirk, and Costia laughs again.

"Don't be offended, but how are you already in advance math?" Costia teases as Lexa finally opens the door, thankful that nobody inside had noticed her struggle. Lexa just shrugs sheepishly, but can't help the small smile on her face. 

Thankfully, her teacher decides to not do anything and plays a movie, and she texts Clarke, knowing that she managed to get fourth period off.

[Lex 2:37pm] hey, I forgot my soccer gear... 

Lexa expected Clarke to ignore her text, to leave her to fend for herself and deal with Anya telling her, I told you so, but a bubble with three dots immediately appears.

[The griff 2:38pm] already on it. 

Lexa exhales sharply, not realizing she was holding her breath. School gets out at 2:55, and tryouts start at 3:05. Thanks to Clarke as always, she would be on time for them this year. She's nervous that when she gets her bag from Clarke, Clarke will still be pissed and barely look in her direction. 

[The griff 2:42pm] your bag is in your locker.

Lexa sighs this time, knowing that she's going to have to try harder to get Clarke to forgive her after tryouts. She knows Clarke's pissed. She understands why Clarke's pissed. But she doesn't understand why that means Clarke has to completely ignore her for the rest of the day. 

When the final bell rings, Lexa doesn't even wait to see if her teacher has anything to say, and runs to the locker room. When she gets there, Anya is already going through Lexa's bag, "Damn, Lex. Blonde really saved you this time. You've got everything. She even packed you snacks!"

"Hey! You better not touch my apples and peanut butter!" Lexa exclaims, smacking Anya's hands away before untying her Vans. Anya is already decked out in full gear, no surprise there, but she's still has her smirk plastered on her face. 

"What's your deal today?" Lexa asks as she pulls her shirt over her head, pulling her jersey out of Anya's hands before smacking them away from her bag. Again. 

"Nothing. Just surprised that Blondie is still pissed at you. It's gotta be a record." 

"Oh, shut it, An. It's not that bad. Clarke and I have fought before."

"Yeah, but it's not everyday that you're flirting with the new, extremely hot chick during lunch, is it?" Lexa rolls her eyes as she slips her socks on over her shinguards, not bothering to ask Anya how she had gotten that information. "She's jealous, Lex."

"Okay, so? I was talking to Costia. That's it." 

Anya just chuckles as the coach blows the whistle, and they have to run laps around the track. The laps are easy. Hearing Anya talk about every single thing Lexa has done today to piss Clarke off, isn't. 

"Don't forget I called Finn a douchebag." Lexa grumbles as they take the turn on their last lap, and she hears Anya snicker. 

"Really?! Jesus, Lex." 

Lexa just groans as the slow down to a jog, Anya already juggling a ball as the rest of the girls get in position. 

"Alright! Stop showing off, Asher!" Coach yells from the edge of the field. "And get to work!"

Anya just smirks as she passes the ball to Lexa. Tryouts take shorter than her and Anya thought it would, so it's just the two of them as Lexa angrily kicks the ball into the net. 

"I don't get her! Ugh. Clarke can be all mad at me, but it's not like I said she can't talk to him anymore! It's stupid. Even she knows Finn's a douchebag!" 

Anya chuckles as she kicks the soccer ball in Lexa's direction, and Lexa stops it before it can past her. She rests her foot on it, sighing. "Do you think I'm being a bitch about it?"

"Must've felt that way when you were flirting with Costia." Anya responds with a chuckle, and Lexa groans in annoyance, not ready to waste more time on telling Anya that's not what happened. 

"Shut up. I just hate Clarke." 

"No, you don't." Anya pipes up with a teasing smile. 

"You're right. I don't hate Clarke. Just her and annoying habits of making me want to hate her. But seriously, am I being a bitch about it? She's the one ignoring me."

"Oh, Lex." Anya teases as she wraps her arm around Lexa's shoulders, leading them to her car as Lexa pulls out the snack Clarke packed for her. "When are you going to stop being so oblivious?"


	2. WILD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the chapter where Anya is still a little shit and Clarke starts to get confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You make my heart shake bend and break, but I can't stay away."

"Do you want to stay for dinner, Lexa?" Shelby asks as she sees her and Anya leave Anya's room. "We have left over chicken cutlets if you want."

"Oh, no, I'm good. Thanks for the offer, though, Mo- Mrs. Asher." Lexa says politely as Anya pulls her out the front door before she can correct Lexa again. Lexa was forever thankful that they took her in when she wasn't able to stay with the Griffin's, but now she was worried what would happen if she left Clarke again for the Asher's. Whenever she ends up spending the night here with Anya, all she can think about is the broken and confused expression Clarke had when she had come back for her. Lexa didn't want Clarke to feel like that again, but at the same time, Asher's are another very important part in her life. She wishes there way away for that to happen without hurting Clarke. Or Jake and Abby.

Anya tosses Lexa her phone, chuckling to herself as they get into Anya's car. Before Lexa can complain or call the rights of the auxiliary cord, Anya is already playing Drake and rolling down the windows. Nyko shouts something from the front door, but they ignore him as Anya drives away.

"So, have you answered Costia's text?"

Lexa can't hide her disgust as she shakes her head. "No. I don't want to go see some shitty movie with her." Lexa groans as Anya shakes her head in disappointment, hitting her on the side of her head.

"God, damn it, Lex!" Anya shouts loudly, turning quickly, nearly hitting the car in front of them. Lexa wonders why she still thinks driving with Anya is a good idea at this point as she grips the edge of her seat, telling her to slow down. "Why would you do that?"

"What?!" Lexa shouts, but it's closer to a whine, knowing that it'll help her get Anya to drop the subject. "I don't like her!" Lexa didn't feel like telling Anya that she was too afraid about what happened between her and Clarke this morning to even think about hanging out with Costia outside of school.

"So? Lex, movie theaters are the perfect place to get laid! You know, it's dark, nobody can see; the perfect place for public sex! And, if you're not that loud, nobody will notice or care."

"Anya!" Lexa scolds, ready to jump out of the car. She wonders what exactly goes on in her best friends brain all the time. Anya probably has her heart on being the cause of her premature death due to high levels of embarrassment. "And FYI, I do not need to get laid. Emphasis on not, An."

Anya laughs, shaking her head in mock disbelief. "Do you hear yourself? You loose our shit the moment Clarke even looks at you. I hate to break it to you, but you need to get laid. Desperately." Lexa doesn't even have to look to know that Anya is smirking, knowing that Lexa doesn't have a defense.

"Oh, shut it." Lexa grumbles as she crosses her arms over her chest stubbornly. She doesn't act that different when Clarke looks at her, right? For fucks sake, she shares a bed with Clarke. That has been a know fact for years. For years, with absolutely nothing happening between them. Why should things start happening now? Lexa knows for a fact that she doesn't like Clarke. Clarke is one of her best friends. But she wouldn't be lying if she's had small urges to kiss her or grab her hand when everyone was watching, just to be like, 'yeah, that's right. Clarke fucking Griffin is my friend.'

"Okay. Fine. Who would you rather kiss, me or Clarke?"

"I am not answering that."

"Well, then you should go spend time to watch a movie with Costia." Anya states simply, like its the most obvious thing in the world, and Lexa resists the need to elbow her again for a good measure.

"Your logic does not apply to this situation, An. Even Nyko would be a better help than you are right now."

"I'm not sure if that is supposed to hurt me or if it's a fact, but I am deeply, severely wounded that you believe that," Anya intones dramatically, resting a hand over her heart for more dramatic affect. "My heart is breaking here, Lexa. Why would you do this to me?"

By the time Anya pulls up at the Griffin's to drop Lexa off, it's pouring, and Anya still has a smirk plastered on her face as she lowers her music, "Maybe, if she's still mad, you'll end up in the dog house." Anya says with a laugh as Lexa punches her arm. "Ow, Lex, that hurt!"

"Shut up," Lexa grumbles, refusing to get out. She evens locks her door for a good measure.   
She's afraid to face Clarke right now, not sure of what she would say. She promised Clarke that she would try harder this school year, and Lexa is already throwing it out the window. She wants to spend time with Clarke. Of course she does, but Clarke knows that they don't fit in the same crowd. Lexa already put up with Raven and Octavia, but she wasn't going to waste time pretending to like Finn. Not when she wanted to punch him every time she sees him. Over her dead body would she ever become friends with Finn Collins. Clarke didn't seem to understand that Lexa was fine with her own friends. She wasn't just some loner that needed saving.

She opens her window again, partly to annoy Anya, and partly because she has always enjoyed the rain, despite what everyone else thinks about it. Most people Lexa know hate the rain, all complaining about how it makes everything seem worse. But Lexa loves it. The fresh smell of it on the pavement after it rains. Lexa can't help but let the idea of rain excite her and make her feel like a kid again.

"Maybe your girlfriend will save you." Anya teases, smacking Lexa's hand away from the stereo as she leans over her to close the window, and Lexa groans.

"Not everyone is Bi-Curious like you, An." Lexa says with an exaggerated sigh. she doesn't know how many times she has had this conversation with Anya. She doesn't like girls, end of story. Yet Anya insists that she should just 'open her mind and stop being so oblivious.' Whatever Anya meant by that. 

"You're right. Some of us only swing one way." Anya replies, wiggling her eyebrows. Lexa groans, and mentally slaps her.

"Alright, An, you have to stop doing that. It's so weird."

"You know, it makes some people realize their undying attraction towards me," Anya says with a playful smirk, and Lexa rolls her eyes as she takes a bite of the apple Clarke packed her. "Maybe it'll work on Clarke."

It takes almost everything in Lexa to ignore Anya's comment, but her attempt falls short as she replies, "Please. In your wildest dreams. Clarke barely knows you exist."

"But she has heard of me, hasn't she?"

Lexa's about to open her door and grab her bag when she sees Finn stroll out their- her front door, and jogs quickly to the car across the street. He looks up, noticing Anya and Lexa watching him. He smiles and waves before getting into his car, and they both watch in surprise as he drives away. Anya watches Lexa, and Lexa just rubs the back of her neck awkwardly, because there was no reason for Finn to be here. Unless Clarke was still mad enough to invite him over, just in hopes for Lexa to come home in time to watch him leave.

Either way, Lexa's blood is already boiling.

"Him and his stupid Jeep." Lexa grumbles as she grabs her car from Anya's backseat, ignoring Anya's attempts to calm her down before she leaves. If Lexa wasn't angry before, she's furious now. Her life would be drama free without Finn, and she wouldn't have to worry about Clarke getting hurt if it weren't for him and his 'perfect' hair.

"Lex, give Clarke a-" Lexa slams the door, cutting Anya off. She doesn't care about what Anya has to say. If anything, she wishes that Anya would stop joking about everything and end up being the one who defends Clarke. It doesn't help her. Clarke's angry, so what? She makes one friend, and she's the stupid and immature one for not talking to Clarke? At least she tried to talk to her earlier. If anything, it's Clarke who needs to grow up. She doesn't pause to take off her muddy cleats at the door, but drops her bag with a thud. Her few seconds in the rain already have her chilled to the bone. All of the lights are off, so she knows that Abby and Jake haven't gotten home from work yet. Worse thing to happen is that Jake or Abby won't be there to stop them from yelling at each other.

Clarke is sitting in the living room with the television blaring as she sorts through her papers. Lexa can't hold back the venom in her voice as she says, "Guess who I just saw?" Clarke freezes, looking up at her, a pencil hanging from her lips. Clarke swallows nervously, offering Lexa a sheepish smile. Lexa crosses her arms over her chest. She wasn't going to let Clarke charm her way out of this one. She was going to make Clarke talk to her for hours if that's what it took to make Clarke just shut up about Costia. I'm not jealous of Finn. I'm just mad, Lexa tells herself and she sighs in annoyance.

When Clarke doesn't say anything, it only fuels Lexa's anger, and she bites the inside of her cheek to bite back any more comments. This morning already bothered Clarke enough, and the thoughts going through her head certainly weren't going to help them get out of this one. Lexa can't explain it, but she just can't stand Finn with Clarke. If she had met him any other way. she'd be able to deal with him, but it's Clarke. Why does Clarke insist on being friends with someone like him? Lexa hated it. Clarke deserves everything good in the world. Not Finn. Certainly not her.

Certainly not her. The idea floats around Lexa's mind as she mulls over it. She doesn't deserve Clarke. Clarke has been there for her through almost everything. Clarke never left. Clarke shouldn't have to worry about her, just the poor foster kid that her father ended up taking in. If it were never for that, her and Clarke wouldn't even be friends. Clarke wouldn't even know she existed, even though she sat behind her for two whole school years. Lexa can deal with Finn if he makes Clarke happy. Clarke never had to deal with Lexa, but she did anyways. She even ended up coming back for her when she wanted to stay with Anya.

Lexa can let Clarke be angry at her for a while, and instead of saying anything, Lexa just turns on her heel, storming up the stairs to take a shower, in hopes it'll calm her down. She slams the bathroom door harder than she intended, but she doesn't feel bad about it. By now, things would be normal again. But they aren't, and Lexa hates it. She knew that things were going to change between them, but she didn't expect it changing like this. Her and Clarke can always count on each other, and now she couldn't even voice her own feelings to Clarke.

High school is already off to a bad start, and she's dreading the next three years to come. She wonders if her and Clarke can last that long. Probably not. Lexa thinks miserably. Things always change. Maybe by the end of senior year, they'll hate each other.

After her shower, she finds Clarke in the same spot, struggling with her math homework. While her phone has been blown up with texts from Anya, which she decides to ignore. Normally, she'd offer to help Clarke and sit next to her like they normally do, but she's still so mad, that she's afraid that she'll snap at her if Clarke talks to her. Or even look at her. And she doesn't want to snap. She just wishes that Clarke wasn't so unbelievably stupid and thought it was a good idea to let him into their house. If she was going to have to deal with that douche bag here too, she would have liked a warning.

They are silent aside from the television and the occasional shuffle of papers, and Lexa pulls out her earbuds from her bag, not wanting to deal with the quiet anymore. Her phone beeps annoyingly as she gets another text from Anya. She groans loudly, getting a concerned look from Clarke, but she ignores it as Clarke's phone starts ringing loudly. Lexa half expects it to be Finn, and she has to quickly push it out of her mind when she feels her heart rate speed up and her hands shaking. Lexa knows that Clarke knows that it means she's getting angry again. It usually happens when Lexa can't really say anything about it.

"Um, Lex? That was Mom. Her and Dad are gonna be late, so they said to order a pizza or something." Clarke tells her, and she can hear the guilt in her voice, and see the disappointment in her face when Lexa snaps.

"I'm not hungry, I stopped by Anya's. Get whatever you want." Lexa pinches the bridge of her nose, groaning again. It wasn't a complete lie. She really wasn't hungry, but she knew it was going to upset Clarke if she mentioned Anya. She can't tell if she's more annoyed at herself or Clarke at this point.

"Look, I don't know why you're being such a bitch and acting angry when all Finn did was drive me home."

"Yeah, su-" Lexa stops suddenly, finally looking over at Clarke, yanking out one of her earbuds, immediately regretting the way she's been acting for the past hour and a half. Oh. Oh. Shit. Lexa had completely forgotten about Clarke needing a ride home today. She knew that Octavia and Raven were busy with a class, and she briefly remembers telling Clarke that Anya could drive her home, but that was before Anya got her off period filled.

Lexa has an overwhelming feeling of guilt. She wants to hide behind her Calculus text book, or disappear into her room, but it doesn't help. Because why would Finn be here so late if they both have fourth period off? Despite that nothing really adds up, Lexa knows she has to apologize.

"Sorry." Is Lexa's only response as Clarke just shrugs it off, agitating Lexa again. She was sorry, and Clarke was right. She was just jumping to conclusions when she saw Finn earlier today. But Lexa still can't shake the feeling that something isn't right, but she decides to ignore it as she sits next to Clarke. And just like that, for a while, when Clarke ends up braiding her hair and they order pizza, things between them are momentarily fixed. Hopefully.

When Jake and Abby come home, Lexa is already asleep, her head resting in Clarke's lap as Clarke can't help but smile gently and snap a few pictures on her phone. Clarke always loved sleeping Lexa. When Lexa was awake, she's always so aware of everything. Clarke is surprised she isn't crazy at this point. Lexa is so attentive. She notices the smallest things, and they always end up being the most important things to her. Lexa was different in that way. She was so good at reading people, she always knows a different side of them than what they show. While Clarke finds that endearing, she can't help but frown, because she knows that Lexa will end up finding out the truth, and she's afraid that it'll be enough to scare Lexa away.

"C'mon, Clarke. It's late, go to bed." Jake says as he turns off the television, and Clarke sighs. He trudges up the stairs before Clarke starts waking up Lexa.

"C'mon, Lex," Clarke murmurs, before leaning down to kiss Lexa's cheek. She knows that shaking Lexa awake was no use. It never worked. Neither did their alarm clock. Lexa always woke up earlier than it, and if she ended up sleeping in, she never got up until Clarke managed to get out of bed herself. But Lexa looks too comfortable, so Clarke doesn't get up. "As much as I love watching you sleep, the bed is much more comfortable."

"That's just weird," Lexa mumbles sleepily against her leg. "Why are you watching me sleep? Are you a vampire or something?"

Usually, a comment like that from Lexa would have caused Clarke to roll her eyes, but she's too busy thinking about how cute and innocent Lexa sounds when she's tired. Clarke just smiles as Lexa sits up, running her fingers through her hair lazily, and Clarke doesn't scold her for ruining her braid. Again.

"I meant that in the least creepy stalkerish way." Clarke says, and Lexa just groans as she stands up, knocking some of her papers to the floor, but Clarke doesn't mind. Watching Lexa right after she wakes up is another one of her favorite things to do. It's the few minutes where Lexa doesn't have to hold the weight of her past on her shoulders, and Clarke loves Lexa that way. She wants Lexa to carefree and happy with herself, and Clarke knows that still needs some work.

So, when her mind flits to Anya kissing Lexa's cheek earlier today, she can't help but feel like she's betraying Lexa for not trusting her. She knows that Lexa and Anya are just friends. She should be able to trust Lexa with the fact that she would tell her if her and Anya were anything more. The worst part is that Lexa was able to just brush it off. Then Lexa was talking to Costia. Clarke shouldn't be getting so angry. Clarke remembers seeing how angry Lexa was when she stormed in after soccer tryouts, her clothes soaked and a fire in her green eyes. Clarke wanted to snap at her, telling her that she has been angry all day, and that Lexa had no right to be angry at her. It reminded her too much of the time when she had stayed with the Asher's for a while. Lexa was hurt. And angry. Which Clarke could completely understand, but it still had hurt to see Lexa hesitate to come back to them. Clarke didn't want Lexa to feel like they didn't want her. Clarke had almost apologized, hating how similar the situation was.

Until Lexa brought up seeing Finn leave. Clarke can't imagine how that must have been for Lexa. Clarke couldn't bring it in her to explain that she was just trying to help Finn. That there was absolutely nothing going on between them. Thinking back on it makes her angrier because Lexa has been her best friend for almost seven years now. They're practically sisters. She should be able to trust Lexa. If she told her, Lexa would understand, right?

Just the idea of not being able to trust Lexa makes her become more frustrated with herself. Clarke's brought to reality when the pencil in her hand snaps.

She really doesn't have time to think about it when Lexa is already at the top of the stairs, telling her to hurry up, "Come on, Clarke. I'm really tired and I don't feel like sleeping alone again." Clarke hurries after her, grabbing her hand as she walks by, accidentally slamming the door behind them.

They fall into their normal position. Clarke's face buried in Lexa's hair as one of her free hand ghosts over the scar on her arm, while Lexa holds Clarke's other hand. Clarke was hoping they would fall asleep normally too, Lexa usually being the first one. But it doesn't happen. Instead Lexa's thumb nervously brushes over her knuckles, barely there. A ghost of a touch.

Clarke knows it's because Lexa's trying to say something. She wants to encourage Lexa to say what's on her mind. She wants Lexa to know, that no matter how mad she gets at her, Lexa can still trust her. That Lexa can tell her anything. Clarke knows that sometimes it doesn't feel that way, and that's her fault. Lexa could right a book on everything that was bothering her and Clarke would take her time to read it. They're both still angry. Clarke knows that much. They haven't been communicating as well as they normally do, and that's on her.

Clarke leans forward, pressing a small, quick kiss to the back of Lexa's neck, and opens her mouth to tell Lexa to say whatever is on her mind. Before that can happen though, Lexa's kissing her hand and mumbling something against it. Clarke misses it. And she doesn't want to sound like a bitch to Lexa by stupidly asking her to say it again, but she doesn't even have to worry about that as Lexa shifts, facing her.

Even in the dark, Clarke can easily see Lexa's bright green eyes. She almost expected the same fire she saw in her eyes earlier, but they're clouded with sleep. "You make me so angry, sometimes, Clarke," Lexa whispers, and Clarke is convinced she feels her heart break. She really doesn't want to hurt Lexa. And when she does, it's not on purpose. "It's like you don't trust me. Sometimes I feel like you're so bad for me. But I can't stay away."

"I- I don't try to make you feel that way." Clarke whispers back as Lexa closes her eyes, nodding slightly. If it's in agreement or acknowledgement, Clarke doesn't know. She's a bit scared to know. She hates that she has made Lexa feel that way. Maybe Lexa was right, though. Maybe Clarke is bad for her. Clarke shakes her head at the idea. She has hurt Lexa before. She knows that. But she has never purposely tried to hurt Lexa. It's almost as if Lexa thinks that Clarke tries too.

"We'll... We'll talk more in the morning, 'Kay?" Lexa replies, giving her hand a squeeze before she nuzzles deeper into the blanket, and before Clarke can stop herself, she leans up to kiss Lexa's cheek. It doesn't go as planned. Her lips barely brush against Lexa's. She waits for Lexa to ask her what the hell is wrong with her, but it never happens. Instead, she hears a soft snore come from Lexa and sighs in relief. Waiting for the effect were the longest seconds of Clarke's life. She eventually allows herself to close her own eyes, resting her head on Lexa's chest, where a slow, but steady heartbeat rests, unlike the one jumping out of Clarke's chest.

She finds herself being so, so thankful that Lexa can't feel her racing heart as she falls asleep.

***

The next morning, when she wakes up, something is different. Actually, everything is different. This time, it's not Lexa or their alarm clock waking her up. She's used to waking up with her face still buried in Lexa's hair. Instead, Clarke wakes up with her face resting against Lexa's chest, and she sighs. Lexa hasn't moved away in the middle of the night, but instead moved closer, her breath against Clarke's neck. It's not a familiar feeling, but Clarke fines herself warming up to it quickly. She even finds herself wishing that Lexa has her arms wrapped around her more tightly instead of circling her waist lazily. Clarke's happy enough with their position, though. She can feel the steady rhythm of Lexa's heart, while the fabric of Lexa's shirt is balled in her hands.

Either way, Clarke doesn't mind one bit of it and allows herself to relax again, allowing her head falling gently against Lexa's chest again, pulling her closer so there is no space between them. Clarke can feel her heart racing again already, as if it never stopped racing as she fell asleep with Lexa last night. Clarke is used to her unexplained feelings for her, and she feels that her racing heart means that they're true, that she has feelings for Lexa more than the friendship that has managed to formed between them with luck and patience.

Clarke pushes the thoughts away. Clarke would be lying if she said she has never thought of her and Lexa being more than friends. But that doesn't mean anything has to change, right? It just means that she's starting to find blurry lines between their friendship and a relationship.

Last night, those roles were switched. For a few moments, at least. They definitely weren't acting like friends last night. Clarke enjoys those moments more than she would ever admit; more for Lexa's sake. Clarke has an overwhelming feeling of wondering what will come next. If she'll end up being the one who gets taken care of in their relationship or if it'll even out. Lexa shifts, and when she doesn't wake up, Clarke releases a breath she didn't realize she was holding. This changes everything. Their linked hands, their tangled legs, the kiss last night.

Oh, God. Clarke kissed Lexa last night. It wasn't really a kiss, was it? It was just a brush of lips. Something that could happen on accident, right? It shouldn't have been a kiss. Clarke refuses to let it qualify as a kiss. Plus, Lexa had already fallen asleep. Great. Now she was making it seem weirder than it already was. Clarke's scrambling to collect her thoughts when she pauses.

Oh, god, it changes everything.

Ever thought is starting to settle in. Clarke's heart seems to skip a beat at the thought. In fear and anticipation of what will come next for them. Clarke's aware that they will both have to get through the whole jealousy thing first for whatever is happening to last, but if these are the few moments she gets, Clarke knows she will be happy with them. Her mind wanders back to last night, how they ended in this position. That definitely wasn't what friends do.

She's starting to freak out again. What if Lexa felt the kiss? It wasn't going to be the end of the world, was it? Before she can do anything, Lexa's chuckling, tucking a piece of Clarke's hair behind her ear.

"Do you have something you want to tell me?" Lexa teases, and Clarke grumbles an apology. She's grateful that Lexa had woken up. Her thoughts were starting to get the best of her. Maybe she was just overthinking everything anyways.

Lexa just chuckles as she leans over her to hit snooze on her alarm clock, and Clarke's thankful that it distracts Lexa, giving her time to hide her flustered cheeks from Lexa. Her and Lexa have done this before. Clarke can't remember the last time they hadn't fallen asleep together. But she's never woken up this close to Lexa, and she doesn't know whats worse- Lexa acting like it's nothing, or that she's wishing that they've fallen asleep like this before, because it's so much better than the few inches that normally rest between them. She knows that the worst part is that she kissed Lexa. But she's determined to try and forget this. She can live it down, Clarke decides. Lexa will never have to know.

Who the hell kisses their best friend?

All to soon Lexa is getting out of bed, pulling her shirt over her head, and Clarke stares as the muscles in Lexa's back tighten and relax, and can't tear her eyes away from Lexa's torso when she turns around to face her again. "Hurry up, Clarke. When's the last time you took a shower?"

Clarke blinks. Once. Twice. A third time.

She has always known that Lexa was fit, but since when did Lexa, her best friend who (when she wasn't playing soccer with Anya) spent the majority her time reading and doing schoolwork become so... Hot? Clarke has never paid much attention to soccer until Lexa started playing. Even then, she didn't know exactly how much she was missing on, until now. Because just imagining Lexa taking off her jersey while still sweaty is giving her too much to think about for the rest of the day. And god damn it, Lexa has really nice arms. She should wear tank tops more often. Oh, fuck it, Lexa has a nice everything. And Clarke can not just stop staring. She's already imagining what it'd feel like being pressed to the bed with her hands against Lexa's back. Because, God damn it, Lexa looks great. At this point, Clarke is convinced that Lexa is a Greek goddess or something.

Clarke manages to avert her gaze to the shirt in Lexa's hands. The light green shirt that she loved seeing on Lexa. It matches her eyes. And whenever Clarke stole it, aside from the smell, it felt like Lexa was there. Lexa has worn the shirt so many times, even Clarke knows that there's a small hole on the left sleeve near her wrist, and that there's a stain from some stubborn paint Clarke accidentally spilt on her once. "That's my favorite shirt." She tells Lexa dumbly, completely ignoring her orginal question. Lexa just gives her a smile and throws the shirt in her direction, and Clarke nearly melts watching Lexa's back as she leaves her room to let Clarke take her shower.

"I still want it back, though." Lexa says before closing the door behind her.

"Claaarke!" Lexa yells up the stairs fifteen minutes later, groaning quietly. Clarke never takes this long in the shower, and Finn and Wells were already waiting outside in Finn's brand new looking red Jeep. Lexa tries to not sound annoyed, because, unfortunately, Finn is also her ride to school. "Finn is here, hurry up!"

Clarke comes running down the stairs in miss matching socks, only slowing down to put on one shoe as Lexa hands her her backpack. "Don't worry, I packed your homework, and the lunch Abby made for us."Clarke quickly kisses Lexa's cheek as a thank you before she shouts out the door, "Give us a minute, Finn!"

"Do you have your soccer stuff?" Clarke asks, and Lexa groans, running back up the stairs, and Clarke can only chuckle to herself, and when Lexa comes back, is when she realizes she's wearing the shirt Lexa gave her before her shower.

The car ride to the school goes better than Clarke though it would. Finn and Lexa actually manage to have a civil conversation about the music Finn plays, and Clarke sighs in relief. She was still worried that Lexa would express her distaste towards him, but when Finn smirks, she knows that even he sees the hint of a smile on Lexa's lips.

Clarke quickly says goodbye to Lexa and Wells when she sees Anya pull in. Lexa frowns slightly, but promises to see her during lunch, and Clarke knows that Lexa's really trying this time, but Clarke can't show her that she's thankful for the attempt before she locks her and Finn into the nearest bathroom, locking the door behind her.

She doesn't really care what people will say or think with the prying eyes, and in such a small school, news gets around fast. Only if they really knew the truth. "Arms." Clarke demands as Finn's polite smile disappears.

"Clarke, I'm fine," Finn argues, and he pulls on the sleeves of his sweatshirt nervously. "Really. I'm doing better, I promise."

"Don't lie, Finn." Clarke says, grabbing his arms before he can make another excuse, yanking up the sleeve harder than she should have, causing Finn to flinch slightly. His arm is littered in hundreds of small thin, dark lines, some of them already fading into scars.

She wants to yell at Finn. For being so stupid. Clarke knows that she really shouldn't, so she manages to keep her mouth shut as Finn refuses to meet her eyes. Clarke hated to see him like this- Finn wasn't the same kid she met in fifth grade, he was almost like an empty shell, putting on a show for the one's who wanted to watch. She also hates that she can't help him from feeling the way he does- so all she can do is tell him how important he is to her, in hopes it'll be enough to get him through the next few hours.

"Finn, you have to stop this." Clarke whispers.

"You know I try, Clarke." Finn replies miserably, pulling away from her grip. Obviously not good enough, Clarke thinks. She struggles to find the right words, but Finn is giving her that smile that she knows all too well, and gives her and a reassuring squeeze and grabs his backpack, Clarke can't help but be terrified of what will happen next if she doesn't find a way to help him soon. "I'll try harder. I promise." He tells her, pulling his sleeves down before leaving her as the bell rings. Clarke can only groan as she storms out after him.

She doesn't know that Lexa's watching from across the hall, and slams her locker shut, getting stares from nearby students.

***

Clarke is wedged between Raven and Wells when Octavia sits down across from her, dropping her lunch bag with a slam. Over the chaos, nobody pays much attention as Octavia grumbles to herself, and Clarke sighs, resting her chin on her palm.

"How are you doing? With Bellamy gone for college?" Clarke asks as Octavia just grumbles something else, taking a bite of her sandwich.

"The bastard can't even text me back," Octavia says loudly, looking at Clarke. Raven leans overs and steals Octavia's bag of goldfish, dropping into their conservation. "But you know, it's whatever. Especially since you've been acting weird all day."

"Especially whenever one of us mention Lexa," Raven pipes up, elbowing Clarke when she feels Clarke tense up next to her. After everything that has happened with Lexa yesterday, Clarke's just afraid that some how it'll all crash down. She kissed Lexa, for crying out loud. And she, Clarke Griffin, does not like girls. She was just upset. And Lexa was there. That's a reasonable explanation, right? There was no way she's crushing on Lexa. Clarke's just comfortable with her. "Oh, relax, Griff. You're not fucking her, are you?"

Clarke pulls nervously at a stray string in her shirt, shaking her head. "Quiet down, Raven, will you?" She hisses, and Raven and Octavia laugh in union at her uncomfortableness, and she rolls her eyes. She doesn't have to tell them what happened last night, but she's dying too. She can't be the only one who knows what happens. The last time she kept a secret, she couldn't talk to anybody about it. Especially not Lexa. And for her, that's one of the worst things. But Raven and Octavia are a close second.

"Well, if you're not fucking her, then why are you acting so strange whenever we mention her?" Raven presses, reaching for Clarke's apple, and Clarke doesn't even find it in her to argue. Just thinking about what happened last night hurts her in a way. It forces her to face the reality of her and Lexa's relationship. Even if something happened between them and sparks flew, it could never truly happen.

Because Lexa's her foster sister. And, apparently having feelings for your foster sister means they don't belong with her family anymore. Clarke inhales sharply, trying to push the memories of how she felt when Lexa was gone. Happily living with the Asher's. It's pathetic, really, just how attached Clarke had gotten to Lexa. Lexa was- is special. She can't let go of that.

"Well, do you ever kiss someone because you want to, but you really don't like them? And everything's a mess?" Clarke asks in one breath, and Raven and Octavia stare at her in confusion. She's starting to regret even attempting to tell them what happened last night, but in a way their confusion gives her relief.

"So you just wanted to kiss someone? Happens all the time. Why?" Raven says, and Octavia rolls her eyes at Raven's comment. "Wait, oh, my god!" Raven shouts, and Clarke clamps her hand over her mouth before she can say anything else as a few nearby people stare.

"Shut up, Raven." Clarke hisses, letting her go, and she just gapes at her like a fish out of water.

"You kissed Lexa?!" Raven hisses back, slamming her hands on the table, ignoring the stares she gets as she shakes her head. Octavia chuckles, and they both look at her as she leans back in her chair smirking slightly.

"Doesn't surprise me," she teases, shrugging indifferently. "It's Clarke. Have you seen the way she looks at Lexa?"

"Oh, yeah, it's like a lovesick puppy, isn't it?" Raven asks and Clarke groans as she buries her face in her hands, wishing she could take this entire conversation back. "She's got this look for Lexa."

"I do not have a look for her!" Clarke argues as Raven just shrugs, sticking her tongue out at her.

"I'm not the one who kissed my best friend, am I?" Raven pauses, looking over at Octavia and smiles, nodding her head in agreement. "But I mean, I wouldn't argue about it. But still I didn't kiss her. Is that why she's ignoring you?"

Clarke doesn't respond to that right away, some of Lexa's words from last night still replaying in her head. 'Sometimes I feel like you're so bad for me. But I can't stay away.' That's too personal. Lexa wouldn't be on board with the idea of Clarke telling her friends almost everything that happens between them. 

Eventually, Clarke shakes her head, "No, not really. She's still upset about the whole Finn thing, I think." It's enough to get Raven and Octavia to drop the subject, and she's thankful, knowing that if they pressed her for more, she'd end up shamelessly admitting to checking Lexa out this morning. Or that Lexa doesn't even know. Clarke would have never imagined getting the worked up over kissing Lexa. Even if it was an accident.

When Octavia and Raven shrug it off, giving her small smiles, she groans internally and wishes that she stayed home. At least there, she didn't have to worry about what other people thought of her choices.

As they drag Wells into a conversation, Clarke can only repeat one thought in her mind, 'I do not like Lexa. I could never like her.'

***

"Hey, An?"

"Yeah, Lex?"

Lexa and Anya are lying in the middle of the field, Lexa fidgeting mindlessly as Anya tries to find shapes in the clouds. They're bored out of their minds and already ate lunch. Lexa nearly jumped in joy when the school decided to change Anya's schedule again, giving them the same lunch. It gave her another excuse to not spend lunch with Clarke.

She can't tell if she's upset or jealous of Finn. Lexa still can't believe that Clarke was careless enough to let Lexa see her storm out of the bathroom after him- and there's really not a way for Clarke to maneuver her way around this one. She was with Finn in the bathroom, end of story.

"Do you think that I just imagined things this morning?" Lexa asks, thinking back to how flustered Clarke was when she woke up. It was different for them. Lexa's used to waking up with Clarke's forehead resting against the back of her neck. Lexa is not even remotely used to having her arms around Clarke's waist and waking up to Clarke's face pressed to her chest.

"No, Clarke is definitely a boob girl. I can't blame her."

"Anya."

"What? I'm serious! So what if you woke up with her face in your boobs, it's not like y- Wait. Oh, my god! Clarke's a boob girl!" Anya says excitedly, and Lexa sighs, closing her eyes. She has a headache. It feels like someone has taken a sledgehammer and slammed it against her skull multiple times. As much as she enjoys Ayna's company and enthusiasm, she wishes that Anya could be quiet for five minutes. Even when Anya is clearly trying to lighten up the mood for her. She loves Anya to death, but she wants a few seconds of quiet. As soon as she's done asking Anya for her opinion.

"Not that, An. The thing with Finn. Do you think I'm imagining it? Not everyone sneaks into the bathroom to make out, right?" Lexa asks unsurely. She just wants to know why Clarke wastes so much time on Finn. She also wants to know why Clarke wastes so much time on her. She's not anything special. She's just a foster kid who ended up lucky enough to live with her. Lexa wonders if sometimes she feels more like a burden than a friend.

"Don't worry about it, Lexa," Anya says with a understanding smile. "Clarke loves you, if it's as a friend or not. And it should mean more to her than him, okay? And if it doesn't, then she's not worth it."

Lexa only nods, resisting the urge to tell Anya that she's tired. When she hears the shuffling of a backpack, she looks at Anya, who's emptying hers. Anya smiles childishly, putting on a pair of sunglasses before putting another pair of them on Lexa. "You look exhausted. Come cram in some sleep with me." Lexa doesn't argue or complain as Anya lays back, using her backpack as a pillow, pulling Lexa down with her.

"Even if you do have something to worry about, I'm here." Anya tells her as Lexa closed her eyes, resting her head on Anya's shoulder. Anya can only smile as she presses a kiss to Lexa's temple, closing her own eyes.

They end up sleeping through fourth period and wake up to Octavia standing above them, telling them to get dressed for tryouts or leave. Anya grumbles something, ignoring Octavia's cold stare as Lexa scrambles for her things. She wants to ask if Clarke is mad at her, knowing Octavia eats lunch with her, but at the same time she's too embarrassed at the moment to really think about it. Her and Octavia weren't friends or enemies, but stuck in that weird place where they couldn't really tell if they only talked because they see each other at school everyday.

"Is Clarke okay? She's not mad, is she?" Lexa asks Octavia as Anya tries to drag her away. Octavia's expression softens at the mention of Clarke, and she shrugs.

"She was okay. Apparently she had a shit day, though." Octavia offers, and Lexa frowns. It wasn't because of her, was it? Lexa hopes not, but remembering yesterday makes her groan. She remembers telling Clarke that they would talk about it more today. But between tryouts and her homework, it's highly unlikely that they'll both be able to actually have a civil conversation.

Lexa runs her fingers through her hair nervously, and Octavia just smirks, shaking her head. "Don't sweat it, Lexa. Nothing a little loving can't fix. But you might wanna hurry up and get ready."

Lexa's almost convinced that she should go home and talk to Clarke instead of staying for tryouts, but Anya drags her into the locker room, and smacks her arm gently. "Ow!" Lexa whines, rubbing the sore spot. "You're always hitting me! What was that for?"

"I was seeing if you actually got burned," Anya says, grabbing her pair of worn out cleats as Lexa sighs, rolling her eyes. She leans against the lockers, the cool metal making her shiver slightly. "You're burned and need to use sunscreen more often."

"Well, I'm sorry that it's not everyday you and I are falling asleep in the middle of the field."

"Maybe it should be," Anya says, smirking as she holds up her hand wiggling her fingers. "Work some magic."

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that." Lexa replies with a laugh as Anya's locker closes with a slam.

When practice is over, and Lexa has learned to not block Octavia if she wants to keep her spleen, or any internal organs for that matter, she's sprawled across the top of Anya's car, watching as Anya desperately tries to figure out what went wrong.

"Did you try turning it off and on?" Lexa asks lazily as she sips from a pouch of caprisun. Anya glares at her, wiping away the sweat at her forehead before closing the hood angrily.

"God, damn it, Frank! You can't die on me now, why else would I name you Frank the Tank?" Anya says loudly, and Lexa rolls her eyes before changing her attention back to her book.

"Maybe it's because you named a shitty old pathfinder 'Frank the Tank.' The poor thing's older than you." A familiar voice from behind Anya says, and Lexa looks up again to see Raven standing there, a bag swung over her shoulder, her tan skin covered in oil. "Nice to see you, Woods." Raven adds with a knowing smile as Lexa hops down, flicking Anya's ear. She knows Anya. If Raven decides to help them, she's going to be stuck with Anya's shameless flirting. And she rather get home to Clarke.

"I don't remember calling a hot mechanic over." Anya says with a cheeky grin, and Raven laughs slightly, pushing through them to see the damage that has been done.

***

Today has been a shitty day. Clarke can say that much as she sits down on the couch next to Finn, throwing open the first aid kit. She doesn't understand him. She doesn't think anyone can understand Finn in this exact moment. He watches her carefully, with those big brown eyes, and he's acting like he's more worried about her. And she doesn't fucking get it. He had just slit his wrists, and he's giving her a look that makes her feel like she's the broken one.

"You're not happy, are you?" He whispers, flinching slightly as she dabs gently at his newest cuts with a running alcohol soaked cotton ball.

"Not with you." She replies coldly, and he yanks his arms away again. Clarke bites her lip nervously. She never meant to make Finn uncomfortable with himself. He knows she's trying to help, but sometimes she can't bite back the comments she has at his stupidity.

"Clarke, that's not what I meant. You look miserable... You're starting to remind me of myself."

"Only difference is I'm not that stupid, Finn."

Finn sighs, shaking his head, leaning into the couch. Clarke knows she should feel bad, but at this point she doesn't really feel anything. She doesn't feel sorry for him anymore. Instead she's just annoyed that he's gotten so used to her cleaning up the mess for him.

"You'd be surprised." Finn mutters grumpily, and Clarke rolls her eyes.

"Just go, okay? You'll be fine, I cleaned them. Now hurry up. Lexa should be home soon. And I really don't feel li-"

"Anya! Ugh, I'm a virgin because I want to be, not because I can be!" Lexa says as Clarke hears the front door creak open. She's not that surprised when she hears more than one pair of footsteps and Anya and Raven erupt in laughter.

Wait, Raven? Raven's the first one she sees, and she's covered in oil. No surprise there, and she hears Finn groan quietly as Raven goes, "You three make a good soccer trio. The bi-curious, the virgin, and the rock."

"I am no-"

"I almost lost my stomach when you elbowed me."

"Okay, now you're just being dramatic." Octavia argues.

All four girls pause in the hallway when they see Finn and Clarke sitting on the couch. Raven and Octavia stare at Clarke in confusion, and she ignores them as she waits for Lexa's reaction. Lexa doesn't do anything, except let her bag hit the floor with a thud. Clarke watches as Anya rests her hand on Lexa's arm.

"Okay, well, I'm gonna go," Finn says awkwardly. "I guess I'll see you guys later, um, Lexa, nice seeing you. You should eat lunch with Clarke, save her from her embarrassing friends."

He waves at Clarke, giving her that smile that she hates, knowing that he knows she's the only one who knows the truth. When the front door shuts behind them, she gives Lexa a smile. Lexa doesn't smile back, and there's an awkward silence that Raven breaks. "Anyways, you'd three make a great soccer trio. That's all."

Octavia just chuckles as she walks past Clarke on her way to the kitchen, returning with the leftover pizza from yesterday. She sits down next to Clarke before saying, "Raven, there's no way I'm going through the soccer season of you calling me 'the rock'. Sorry."

"Or the virgin," Lexa pipes up from her spot on the floor, leaning against Anya's legs. "Because-"

"You're a virgin because you want to be, Lex," Anya says, a playful smirk on her face. "We get it. But if I'm stuck with the bi-curious motto, you're stuck with the virgin. That's just how it works."

Lexa grumbles as she turns on the television, and Clarke notices that her skin is redder than usual. Leave it to Lexa to get burned during soccer practice. Clarke sighs, and settles down next to Octavia, not complaining when Raven reclines herself across them. They're all captivated by the shitty movie Anya put on, and Clarke groans internally. She knows that none of them plan on leaving soon, and all she really wants is to talk to Lexa.

It's three hours later when Clarke's in her room, Raven sprawled across her bed and Octavia tossing a ball to herself. Clarke was almost was asleep when Raven's head perks up quickly, looking at Clarke with a confused look. "Did you seen Lexa and Anya earlier?" She asks, and Clarke sighs.

"No, I just saw Lexa basically sit in her lap all night."

"No, not that. They were really comfortable with each other. Just in general. Like a couple."

"Anya's her best friend, what do you expect? Them to hate each other?" Clarke grumbles, burying her face in her pillow, not wanting to think any more about Lexa with Anya. Raven did have a point, though. She doesn't want to press it though. If anything was happening between Lexa and Anya, Lexa would tell her. At least Clarke hoped so.

"Raven's got a point, though," Octavia says quietly, shrugging. "I found them asleep on the field before practice. I mean, it's already a weird place to fall asleep, but they were close. I not trying to judge, but it was a bit weird."

"You and I sleep together all the time." Raven says, and Octavia just rolls her eyes, throwing her ball her, ignoring her whine.

"Not like them. I'm just saying, Clarke. Be careful. Lexa's not going to purposely hurt you, she cares too much about you, but..." Octavia trails off, and the conversation falls short, and Clarke just sighs. She pulls some loose carpet fibers, and tries not to think about Lexa with Anya in her room, but it doesn't help, and Octavia ends up scolding Raven for even bring Lexa up. 

***

The next morning, Raven is snoring slightly, still sprawled across her bed, and Octavia is shifting next to her, "Oh, sorry, I wasn't trying to wake you up." Octavia says sleepily, and Clarke just nods, not the mood to say anything. She knows it's her dad knocking, and he sticks his head in, a wide smile on his face. 

"Good morning!" He says, nodding in Octavia's direction, not even blinking at Raven's blinking figure. "Do you guys want me to make pancakes before I leave?" 

Raven pops up, rubbing her eyes, "That'd be great, Mr. Griffin." Clarke rolls her eyes. She's sure Raven listens better in her sleep when she's asleep. 

Clarke dad chuckles slightly at Raven, "Clarke, go ask Lexa, please?" Before she can argue, she can see him walk down the stairs through her open door. Clarke groans, ignoring the looks she gets from Raven and Octavia, and walks slowly to Lexa's room. She hesitates to knock. It was the first time she hasn't fallen asleep next to Lexa in a while. It was bound to happen, though, right? She can't rely on Lexa all the time. Things change, and she shouldn't even be sleeping with Lexa. Even if nothing happens between them, it just gives the system a reason to take Lexa away again. Clarke can't do that to her.

She ends up not knocking. Instead she pushes the door open slightly, and she surprised to see Lexa and Anya in her bed together. They're still both asleep, Anya's hand in Lexa's tightly. Clarke swallows the feeling in her chest. She really can't complain about the situation. So what if Lexa likes Anya? It'll be fine. Clarke can manage with out her. Clarke flinches herself when she accidentally slams the door shut, going downstairs where she can hear Raven and Octavia talking to her dad. Nobody asks her if she's okay, but she's pretty sure it's written all over her face that she isn't

Lexa ends up coming down the stairs, slow with sleep a few minutes, Anya trailing behind her. Clarke stabs her pancake angrily, and Anya just smiles, "Thanks for letting me stay the night, Mr. Griffin. But I gotta go." Lexa gives Clarke a small smile as she sits down next to her, quietly thanking Jake as he sets a plate in front of her. Lexa can tell she's upset. Clarke knows that much when she sees Lexa frown slightly, and Lexa takes her head underneath the table, giving it a comforting squeeze. Clarke still can't hide the fact that something's wrong. She doesn't know how to explain it, but she's angry. And upset, and it bothers her so much. It was just Anya. It's not like they were doing anything else, and Clarke bites the inside of her cheek. 

Breakfast is silent, and when Jake leaves for work, Raven and Octavia offer to stay, but Clarke tells them to go. The moment the front door closes behind them, Lexa turns on her with a concerning look. "You're mad at me." It's not a question, looking for confirmation. It's a fact, and Lexa frowns, shaking her head slightly. "Why? What did I do wrong this time?" 

Clarke just shrugs. She knows its stupid to ignore Lexa when shes trying, but Clarke can't help it. She hates the feeling. She wants to be close to Lexa, but at the same time, she doesn't. She doesn't want to rely on Lexa to fix everything. 

"Nothing. It's fine, Lex." 

"No, it's not. You're angry, and I need to know what I did to fix it." Lexa says stubbornly, and Clarke finds it so ridiculously stupid in that moment that she was jealous of Anya. Clarke knows that Lexa has chose her over Anya multiple times, but now it feels different. She's being selfish, but it's Lexa. Besides from her parents, Lexa has been the most solid, longest thing in her life. She can't afford to ruin it now. 

"Nothing. Just saw you and Anya together earl-" 

"What does Anya even have to do with this?" Lexa demands, throwing her hands up in annoyance, "She's my best friend! What do you expect me to do? Just stop being friends with her? You know, I put up with your bullshit with Finn. You've been acting strange ever since school started up again, and now you're blaming it on her?" 

Clarke can't make herself say anything, and Lexa laughs humorlessly, shaking her head in disappointment. "You know me, Clarke. I'd choose you a thousand times over her." 

"Maybe you wouldn't." Clarke whispers, running her fingers through her hair nervously. It's funny how fast things can fall asleep because of a few words. 

"Clarke," Lexa whispers back softly, but Clarke can hear the annoyance in her voice. "Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I fall in love with every girl I talk to. Yeah, I fell asleep with Anya, so what? It didn't mean anything." 

Clarke can only look at Lexa in shock. Lexa doesn't even seem to realize what she said, but Clarke can only feel her guilt growing by the second. "I- that's not what I... Lex, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel that way, I-" 

"Don't worry about it," Lexa mumbles, not managing to meet her eyes, "It's fine. I had to tell you one way or another, right?" Lexa says with a small sheepish grin, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly. "I mean, it's not something that I'm comfortable with yet, but, I, uh, I trust you." Clarke doesn't have time to respond before Lexa's mumbling an excuse and goes up stairs, locking herself in her room.


	3. BITE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Party!Griffin and caring Lexa with a dash of Anya.

_"I can be the subject of your dreams."_

Clarke immediately regrets her choice of going to a party. At the time, she couldn't turn down the offer from Finn. After everything that had happen in such a short amount of time, she didn't want to think about it much longer. So when Finn asked her, it was basically irresistible. But now, sitting on a crowded couch next to drunk, horny teenagers, she regrets it when she knows she should be with Lexa. Clarke wonders what she's up to. Lexa had locked herself in her room for a few hours by the time Finn had called her. She had knocked at Lexa's door to tell her that she was leaving. Lexa didn't respond. Clarke told herself that Lexa was fine. She was probably just listening to music or reading a book. Clarke left quietly without another word. It was easier to pretend that everything is fine than face it. Lexa would be able to fix it.

And damn it, in that moment, Clarke knew it was the shittiest thing she has ever done. Lexa had trusted her with something that makes her different. Lexa was always different. But this... Clarke couldn't even explain it. She should have stayed there. Clarke knows that. But she doesn't know what she could have done. It kills her to think that Lexa's alone in her room, hating herself when she could have fixed it. If there was an award for being the worlds shittiest friend, Clarke deserves it.

Lexa was- no. Lexa is her best friend. And Clarke wasn't going to let who Lexa loved change that. It shouldn't be that big of a problem. Everything is the same. Clarke will find a way home. They'll make up and everything will be okay. They'll be able to move on with their lives as if nothing changed. Or at least Clarke hopes that's what will happen. It's what always happens. They always manage to find a way back to each other. No matter how bad things are. This was just a small road block for them. They'll be fine. It's just a lie, though. They could never be fine after this. By leaving, Clarke was screwing things up even more. She should be home with Lexa right now, telling her that everything will be okay. Even if it's just a lie. A lie is the best thing she could give to Lexa right now. Sometimes a lie was only thing she had.

She sighs as she gets up, the alcohol already having an affect as the room spins. She immediately spots Finn talking to some girl in the crowded room. He looks up for a few seconds and gives her a encouraging smile before averting his attention back to the girl. The party had only become busier as the night drew on, the house barely containing the numerous intoxicated teenagers. Which was what Clarke expected. She would be lying if she said she hadn't snuck off to a party with Raven and Octavia before. That was before she had something that could even make her enjoy parties less. Lexa was on her mind. If anything, Clarke was overthinking it. Lexa doesn't like to draw attention. She just likes to have people know the truth. Clarke runs her fingers through her hair, and she finally settles on telling herself that what Lexa needs and wants is space.

Clarke also decides to leave Finn alone. She could stay here for another hour or so. It's not going to kill her. Before she can make her way to the kitchen for another drink, she's being stopped by a tall, dark haired and brown eyed boy who only smirks at her. "I'm Calum," he says, and Clarke can only roll her eyes. She doesn't know what's worse, that he's talking to her, or that she already can't stand him. "Can I get you another drink?"

"No, I'm good, actually." Clarke tells him, holding up her empty cup, and he just smiles, shaking his head.

"Your cup is empty."

 _Yeah, I know that,_ Clarke thinks grumpily, but is relieved when he doesn't press her or say anything else, but grabs her cup and disappears into the kitchen. She hopes that he'll manage to get distracted before he finds his way to her again. She really shouldn't have left Lexa. She should probably call Raven or Octavia, but she doesn't really feel like dragging them into this mess.

"Not a guys girl?" A voice asks behind her, and Clarke whips around, only to see a blonde girl with hazel eyes leaning against the wall, watching her with a small smile. The second thing that Clarke notices about her is that even with her white t-shirt, Clarke can still see tattoos poking out from her shoulders. She finds herself wondering what the tattoos are. Clarke just loves art. She always loved how there's a story behind every single thing. She saw tattoos that way as well, and Clarke was always captivated by them.

Clarke offers a shrug and a smile, "Depends."

The girl cocks her head slightly to the side in confusion, and raises her eyebrow as she crosses her arms over her chest. "Hm. On what?"

Clarke finds that she can't form the words, and she ends up shrugging sheepishly, giving the girl a smile. This girl was no where close to Lexa. All she can think about right now is how bad she's been towards Lexa. She left her to fend for herself. Clarke finds it ridiculous on how guilty she feels. It's not like she has never ignored Lexa. Guilt is overwhelming her. She needs a distraction. She wants to be with Lexa. But if Clarke wants to feel better right now, the girl standing in front of her is the closest thing to her.

"I'm Niylah," the girl says, giving her another smile. "I'd offer you a drink, but..."

Clarke finds herself immediately taking Niylah on her offer, and a few hours later, Clarke's pulse could be heard in her ears, mouth becoming dry. She gladly accepts another cup of beer from Niylah, to distracted by her to worry about her phone vibrating in her pocket. She stood frozen to the spot with Niylah as the taller girl towers over her, and Clarke barely notices as Niylah slides her arm around her waist. Clarke was finally noticing just how attractive Niylah was. Clarke doesn't even bother to but subtle as her eyes travel up the length of her body, her fingers clutching round her cup a little tighter. Her dark jeans clung perfectly to her lower half, a white t-shirt adorning his torso. Clarke wished that she paid more attention to her before. When Clarke finally pulls her gaze from Niylah's body, she's met with the dark focus that's was trained on her face.

Clarke had just spent the past three hours talking to Niylah about Lexa. So she's more than surprised when Niylah smiles down at her, "Dance with me," Niylah spoke in a raspy voice. She leans in a bit, her lips brushing against her ear. "It'd be fun, Clarke."

She hates dancing. No amount of alcohol could make her suddenly like it. Clarke doesn't have time to respond before she tugs her away, the cup she was holding dropping and spilling to the floor. A palm was place on her back forcing her forwards into Niylah's body. Clarke's hand fly up to her shoulders to stop her from pressing into Niylah. Even in the depths of her murky mind, her thoughts find Lexa and she knows that she shouldn't be doing this. But fuck it. She's here. Not with Lexa. She's with Niylah, and in this moment, Clarke could really careless about what will happen next.

Before she can even comprehend what is happening, Niylah slips down the strap of Clarke's tank top on her shoulder. Immediately, Niylah's dips her head, pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses to the bare skin. They're going to start attracting attention soon, Clarke just knows it. But honestly? She can't bring it in herself to care. Not when Niylah's moaning only loud enough for Clarke to hear.

And Jesus Christ, does it sound amazing.

She's drunk and sweaty and in the middle of the room with a stranger. And she's so turned on that, for once, she can't even consider the circumstances. Can't think about the consequences or the reasons, the why and hows and why-nots. She just wants. She needs. At this point, Lexa just seems like a figment of her imagination.

It's surreal, almost. She's drunk and horny and pressed against a stranger in this loud, over populated room, and she can't even bring it in herself to care. It must be the alcohol loosening her up, but the idea of someone seeing, of getting caught, just adds to the buzz beneath her skin.

Niylah's hand slips lower as she carries on kissing and biting Clarke's shoulder. Clarke hands come behind her to try and pull her closer by her shirt as she feels her stroking the skin on her thighs, just below the bottom of her shorts.

Niylah knows just where to touch her. What to do to drive her wild. Clarke's not surprised. She's so worked up now, Niylah can probably get her off in seconds. Even the slow, smooth stroking of her fingers against Clarke's thighs is making her hot and tingling as she reaches behind her and runs her hands over Niylah's back, pulling her closer and wishing that she could feel her skin against her own.

"Niylah, we gotta stop." Clarke finds herself murmuring, feeling Niylah's breath hitch against her ear, and she grins at the effect it has on her. So she obviously uses it to her advantage. "If we don't stop, we'll end up fucking right here in front of everybody."

"That's not so bad." Niylah whispers with a little moan as Clarke turns her head so that their mouths are close enough to kiss, but neither of them make the first move as Niylah presses her against the wall. "I want to take you to my room. It's right upstairs, you know. You won't have to worry there."

And she doesn't even have time to finish her sentence before Clarke pulls her through the hoard of people dancing around them.

It's one of those nights when Clarke can't make sense of anything. They're kissing messily before they even make it through the door. Hands spilling and caressing everywhere, too frantic and way too fast. A hard push from Clarke, and Niylah's back slams against the dresser. Clarke's lips are on hers before she can even respond.

(And they don't even notice the fact that all the shit on the dresser has fallen on the floor, or that they've knocked some DVD's that lay in a pile near Niylah's shut door.)

Niylah's lips are softer, fuller, than any lips Clarke ever kissed before. She finds herself thinking that she'll never get bored of them. (Ever. Even with the alcohol coursing through her veins.) She sucks on Niylah's bottom lip, while her fingers slip over the fabric of her shirt, seeking out the bare skin on Niylah's shoulders. She lets her tongue slip back and forth, feeling the texture, tasting the alcohol and the fruity sweetness of her last drink. She bites and she sucks. It's a mess. Everything is. Clarke's mind. Her hair. Her shirt is bunched up in Niylah's hands.

Clarke doesn't have it in her to take her time.

Clarke leans in for a messy kiss, but then pulling away again, hands sliding from Niylah's hips down her thighs. She slowly lowers herself to her knees. Her fingers skim up Niylah's hips, wanting nothing more than to feel her bare skin against her fingers. One deft hand moves up quickly and finds the waistband of her jeans, slipping in. She cups her for a moment, squeezing lightly, the soft pressure making Niylah squirm as she pushes into Clarke's hand.

It takes some time, and a lot of frustrated grunting from Niylah and drunken laughing from Clarke, but they eventually manage to get Niylah's jeans off. Not even bothering with her underwear. No, Clarke pushes them aside and she finds herself moaning at how wet she is for her.

And she goes slow.

Of course she goes slow. She pays no mind to the way Niylah juts her hips forward or to the way she spreads her legs. Instead, there's teasing, tingling butterfly kisses and soft licks all over her body as she lowers herself to where Niylah needs her. There are hands massaging Niylah's thighs, keeping her in place. There's filthy praise murmured against her skin and Niylah's hand comes up to slap against the dresser at the feeling of Clarke's breath against her.

"Fuck!" Niylah falls back against the wall, throwing her head back in pleasure as she feels Clarke's long fingers stroke through her. And for a split second, it's not Niylah who's whimpering underneath her. Instead is a flash of green eyes and tan skin. Niylah's breath is so heavy, coming out in gasps and small cries.

It turns Clarke on even more, makes her moan louder, gets her impossibly closer. And then Niylah pulls on her hair, and Clarke pulls her mouth away and stands back up. Clarke doesn't even have time to ask why she had to stop before she feels Niylah smash her mouth against hers, making their teeth click and their tongues tangle as she pushes the brunette's own taste into her mouth.

They kiss again, slow becoming fast, tender becoming rough, tentative becoming urgent, and she slides her leg between Niylah's thighs. She can feel wetness there, can feel it cling to her own skin, and it winds her up higher, makes her want to go down and taste her again.

She pulls Niylah's shirt off messily, throwing it behind her and it lands somewhere on the floor behind them. She let's out a soft whimper, lowering her head to suck at Niylah's collarbone as her hands rub all over her body. It's weird how much Clarke finds herself wishing that it's Lexa instead. Lexa wouldn't let her do this. Lexa would force her to sober up. Lexa wouldn't even have let her come to this stupid party. She needs another drink, but before she can say anything, Niylah's pushing her backwards until Clarke falls onto her bed. Niylah throws her legs over Clarke's hips. Clarke can only chuckle at Niylah's attempt to gain control. She wishes.

It's almost too easy for Clarke to lean up and push Niylah onto her back, nearly hitting her head against the headboard, but Clarke doesn't stop. Niylah's hands scramble to find something to hold onto once her bra is discarded and Clarke starts sucking and biting her breasts, leaving dark marks in her wake. Niylah scratches her fingers up Clarke's back, noticing that she still has her shirt on.

"Clarke, I-"

"You talk way too much." Clarke growls, cutting her off roughly. It's easier if Niylah just shuts up because all Clarke can really think of are green eyes, not Niylah's.

And something about the way Clarke growls that into her ear makes the Niylah whimper, her eyes squeezing shut tight enough to see swirls and stars and all sorts of random patterns behind her eyelids.

And without hesitance, Clarke pushes two fingers in to her and begins thrusting into her; powerful, but still slow. She sucks at her neck, making sure to leave a mark. It's good, Niylah thinks. It's fucking amazing. The light stretch, the ever-so-slight burn and she feels herself clench around her, feels the urge to draw her in deeper.

"Please. Oh my God, faster, Clarke," she groans and Clarke doesn't hesitate to listen. Her thumb juts out and presses against Niylah's clit, uncoordinated and messy and unpredictable, sending those tiny electric charges through her on every rub. On every little move. She moans out, her whole body shaking as she comes.

She gasps and jerks, the aftershocks making her push against Clarke's body. She rides out her orgasm with soft moans, and they both grow still, breathing labored. Clarke is leaning heavy against her, mouth still hot against her neck. She feels like everything is spinning. And it's not because Niylah was a mess underneath her only seconds ago. She had way too many drinks. She should be at home with Lexa. Lexa would make sure she's safe. Hell, if Clarke asked her, she knows Lexa would have managed to give her the world. As long as Clarke wouldn't do anything stupid. Like she is now.

Clarke's taken by surprise when Niylah leans up, roughly pushing Clarke back until she comes into contact with the mattress once again. Niylah doesn't hesitate to undo her bra, quickly diving in to attach her lips to Clarke's breasts. She sucks and bites and smiles against Clarke's skin when she feels her breathing become labored underneath her. Niylah mumbles something, and Clarke almost snaps at her to shut up, but she reaches her hands down and dips the tips of her fingers into Clarke's underwear, pulling back so she can see what she's doing. She tugs at the material, and she feels Clarke's hands scratch her bareback, urging her to get her off.

Taking Clarke's shudders and quiet moans as a sign to continue, she presses her forefinger to her clit, circling around it before occasionally pinching it between her thumb and pointer finger. By now, Clarke has turned into a bit of a writhing mess, Lexa's name hot on her lips and her hands scratching up her back. Niylah freezes. She barely remembers the name from her conversation earlier. She thinks about stopping and leaving, but there's a whine from Clarke. And for too long, Clarke held the upper hand and now it's Niylah's turn. She teases her, keeping her on the edge of an orgasm as long as she dares, the moans and whines nearing too much for Clarke to handle.

"Fuck, please." Chloe moans out, throwing her head back as Niylah's fingers thrust deep inside of her. Suddenly, she pulls out and her hands come down to grip the back of Clarke's thighs, pulling her closer.

"Oh, fuck. Oh my God!" Clarke's hips lift off of the mattress as her arms come to rest behind her. Niylah's hot, swollen lips kiss down her body. She trails them down her stomach as she carries on thrusting two fingers inside of her, until her lips reach Clarke's center.

She attaches her mouth to Clarke's clit, looking up and making eye contact with her as she thrusts her tongue inside of her.

"Holy fuck, I'm-." she rushes out. One of her hands scramble to find Niylah's hair, and she can't help the way her hands push her closer, harder to her center. The brunette adapts to the feeling of Clarke's hands pushing and pulling at her hair.

It doesn't take long, with the combination of Niylah's fingers and Niylah's mouth, ranging on sucking and licking at her clit, to send Clarke over the edge. Her grip tightens, she can't help it. She screams out, rocking her hips forward onto Niylah's tongue as she comes down from her high. The brunette slows down, finishing up by pressing rough kisses to the inside of Clarke's thighs and up her stomach. She pulls away, chin wet with arousal, and she wipes it with a soft, out-of-breath and drunken laugh.

When both their breathing has evened out, Niylah, she's already going on about something else. Clarke wants to her to shut up for five fucking seconds. But she figures after what just happened, she can let Niylah talk for a little while longer. Just this once. Clarke counts the minutes in her head, and bites the inside of her cheek. She even rolls her eyes when she feels Niylah's gaze on her again. It's getting annoying. The way Niylah's acting- Clarke wants to tell her to get over herself.

"You talk way to much. You know that, right?" she asks, and Niylah grins at her before leaning over her, grabbing the pack of cigarettes resting on her dresser.

"Please. You talk too much. All night all I heard about was Lexa. You even said her name when you came. Bet you thought about her the whole time, too. Sh-"

"Okay, I get it. Shut up." Clarke grumbles, not even bothering to hide her red cheeks. So what? Lexa was just a name. At least that what she tells herself. Because if Niylah had finished that sentence, it meant that her relationship with Lexa was going to get much more complicated. Clarke didn't want that. She just wishes that Lexa hadn't locked herself in her room. She wishes that Lexa trusts her even more. If she did, Lexa wouldn't have disappeared. She would have let things stay the same, too. And instead of being curled up on the couch watching some shitty movie with Lexa, she's laying in a cold bed next to Niylah. And Niylah's not much. She's still a stranger to Clarke. Which is ridiculous, given their situation.

Clarke knows that her burning cheeks only confirm Niylah's thoughts. And it's just so fucked up. She couldn't help but think about Lexa. Lexa. Lexa always manages to make her way into Clarke's mind. It just so happened to be during the wrong time, too.

Niylah only laughs as she lights a cigarette, rolling her eyes. She offers Clarke one, who shakes her head. "Obviously you're not getting anything from her, so you're very welcome."

"Don't talk about her like that," Clarke hisses, anger flowing through her easily. Niylah has never met Lexa. She doesn't know what Lexa has been through the way Clarke does. Clarke doesn't know why she let this conversation go this far. She should have left already. She should go find Finn and make him drive her home, even if it means her parents find out. Right now, she rather be getting yelled at by them than keep talking to Niylah. "If I even kiss her, I'd ruin everything for her. It's reasonable."

"Totally," Niylah replies, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Beca-"

"Clarke?" Clarke sits up immediately, holding the sheets to her chest. It's Finn, and Clarke doesn't have time to be embarrassed, "God, Clarke, get dressed." He hisses, and she can hear Niylah snicker behind her.

"It's my house," Niylah tells him, and Clarke can hear the smirk in her voice. "I think she's welcomed to stay as long as she wants. Dressed or not." Niylah talks too much. Clarke's about to make comment on it. (Again.) But Finn is throwing her clothes in her direction, a wild look in his eyes. Something is wrong. That much is obvious. But it can't be that bad. It's just Finn. Between the two of them, he ends up being the one who worries too much.

"God damn it, Clarke. Just get dressed. Please. I have to get you home. Oh, my god." He's running his fingers through his hair, mumbling to himself, and Clarke just rolls his eyes as he turns around as she starts to get dressed. She can feel Niylah's eyes on her.

"I'll see you around school, Clarke." Niylah says.

"What?" Clarke turns around to face her, too fast, and the world's spinning again as Niylah shrugs slightly.

"Yeah, I'll see you on Monday. Maybe Raven will finally introduce us."

Fuck. Clarke had honestly hoped that she'd never see Niylah again. She had hoped that Niylah had gone to the other school across town, but now that her mind has cleared a little, she remembers seeing Niylah before in one of Raven's engineering classes. Finn's gripping her hand tightly before she can say anything else, and she stumbles after him. She doesn't understand why Finn is acting all strange now. Things were fine before.

Clarke even grabs another beer on their way out. She drinks half of it before Finn knocks it out of her hands, throwing open the door to his car. She grumbles as she sits down, and Finn's making sure that she's buckled in. "I'm not a baby, Finn." She whines, pushing him away.

"No, but you're drunk, and oh, God, Lexa is going to kill me. No wonder she hates me. She knew I'd hurt you. I spent forever looking for you, and you were-" Finn murmurs to himself as he starts the car, and Clarke just frowns as she crosses her arms over her chest, leaning her head against her seat. She knows that Finn's judging her. It's been obvious since he barged in on them. It's better than Lexa, but Clarke knows that it's going to take forever to live this one down. She turns on his radio, but she instantly regrets it when her ears start to ring, and she grumbles something as she turns it off.

They drive in silence, until Finn looks at her with concern. "Can we call Lexa? Are your parents home? I can't bring you home like this. I'm so fucking stupid." He hits the wheel in frustration, and Clarke can only close her eyes. She feels sick. She can't fully comprehend what has just happened. Finn notices her sudden change in mood, rolling down her window. "Clarke, if you throw up in my car..."

Clarke shakes her head to answer Finns questions. Her phone's dead. There's no way Lexa is still awake. And her parents would kill her. And she feels sick. Not where she's going to throw up, but with guilt. Today has been a mess. Lexa was with Anya. Clarke was stupid enough to loose Lexa's trust with that. That was the thing about their relationship. Maybe any relationship. But you never loose all of their trust at once. It's always a piece by piece.

The wind on her face doesn't help her calm down. Or sober up in the slightest. Instead she's listening to Finn talk to her but not make any sense of his words. She pulls her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on them. And then she's crying. She doesn't know when, or how, but she knows why. But she doesn't want to be crying. She feels like a little kid again, relying on Lexa's words and touch to support her, but she knows it'll be a long time before that happens again.

Clarke can't tell if she's mad or guilty with herself. She missed Lexa. They've only been apart for a few hours. But she missed Lexa so damn much. Lexa would take care of her. That's what they did. They always take care of each other. But after what Clarke did tonight, why would Lexa even want to take care of her? Niylah was a bitch. Clarke was an idiot. And Lexa was going to end up being there for her. Time and time again. Lexa had always called Clarke a survivor when they were younger. Clarke always disagreed with her. If anything, Lexa was a survivor. And she swept in and saved Clarke. Clarke would be nothing without her. She'd be a girl who focused too much on the things that didn't matter. Lexa taught her all the things that nobody else could have ever taught her. The way Lexa talked, she made Clarke seem like she was the hero. Clarke almost laughs at that. She's not a hero. What did Lexa used to say?

 _"You're a survivor, Clarke. When things go wrong, you know exactly what to do."_ Lexa used to whisper. Then, after a short pause, Clarke would be able to hear the frown on Lexa's lips. _"But me? I don't know what I'm doing. Ever. I'm just left behind to clean the mess. But then you saved me."_ Then Clarke would tell her that she's wrong, and remind her everything she's been through. Abandonment. Betrayal. Clarke needs Lexa so much because Lexa had let her live in her perfect little fantasy world all while protecting her from the real one. Even earlier today, Lexa was doing that. But now Clarke can see just how screwed up everything is. Lexa had promised her forever in a world that's only temporary. Clarke knows Lexa. Lexa loves with everything she has. If Clarke ruined that, Lexa would never be the same. Lexa had never meant for this to happen. All of this was on Clarke, and Lexa would be there to save her.

Finn doesn't know how much she's hurting right now. She feels broken inside. In that exact moment, she feels like that something inside her had died and that she'll never feel the way she used too.

"I'm going to call Lexa, okay, Clarke?" Finn asks quietly as he reaches out to squeeze her hand, trying to comfort her. It doesn't. Instead the mention of Lexa seeing her like this is enough to push her over the edge.

She fucked up. Big time. Clarke can barley hear as Finn asks her more questions. She wants to tell him to shut up, to slow down. But she can't. She Clarke can barely imagine the betrayal Lexa will feel when she finds out about Niylah. He's talking on his phone in a hushed voice, and Clarke opens her window again, watching as the street lights pass over head. The wind makes her feel a little better, whistling in her ears. For now she can pretend that things are okay. But even pretending isn't enough. Lexa isn't there to fuel her imagination. She looks at herself in the review mirror for a few seconds. She looks as broken as she feels. Clarke pulls her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on them. She closes her eyes, but not fast enough to stop a tear from rolling down her face. She wipes it was miserably, only for more to fall.

Finn only looks at her sympathetically. She knows he feels this way everyday. When he wipes away one of her tears, telling her that Lexa will be with them soon, it only fuels her guilt.

***

She remembers the shock on Clarke's face, then how quickly she was to hide it, but before Clarke could have said anything Lexa was closing her door. Anya had called. Lexa ignored the first three calls, and finally gave up on the third. Anya had asked her how it went, and all Lexa could think about how it changed everything between her and Clarke. She had refused to answers Anya's questions, but somehow managed to smile when Anya playfully offered to kick Clarke's ass.

That was a good hour before she heard Clarke's quiet footsteps outside her room. She had almost expected Clarke to barge in, demand that they talk, but instead there was a small knock. Clarke said something about wanting to check in on her. Then saying something about going out for the rest of the night. Lexa knew it was a last minute choice when Clarke's guilt ridden voice splintered through the door. Lexa couldn't help but flinch slightly at it.

Lexa hadn't left her room in almost three hours when Abby came home. Abby immediately knew something was wrong. She demanded that Lexa would let her in, but Lexa convinced her that she was fine. Lexa doesn't know how she did it, but she did. She got even more terrified when she heard Jake's heavy footsteps outside her door, but Abby had told him she didn't feel okay. Lexa hated the image of a small frown on his lips as he walked into his room, leaving her alone.

Anya shows up at her window a few minutes after, dressed up in all black. Lexa rolls her eyes at the sight. And as she opened the window for her, Anya tripped over the stack of books on her desk.

"So much for being a ninja, An." Lexa says as Anya shrugs it off, smiling widely as she sits down on Lexa's made bed. Lexa loves Anya in that "she's my best friend" way, and seeing Anya on the edge of her bed with ridiculous paint underneath her eyes and a bag full of Ben and Jerry's, Lexa's glad that her and Anya are even friends. Anya's one of the reasons why she's not so lonely. That's something she could never make up for.

"I am a ninja," Anya insists, kicking off her shoes and hiding underneath the covers. "Just a _slightly_ awkward one. Wanna talk about it?"

Lexa simply dodges Anya's question with a question of her own. "What the hell is on your face?"

"Warpaint!" Anya says excitedly, popping open Lexa's favorite flavor, 'half baked' before handing it to her. "You should try it some time. With all the shit you've been through, you'll look like a badass warrior leader."

Lexa chuckles slightly, and Anya pulls her down next to her roughly, smiling slightly. "I'm really, really fucking proud of you, Lex. You're kicking the worlds ass right now. Don't forget that. And I love you. Don't forget."

"Bu-" Lexa knows she should have said thank you. Told Anya that she loves her too, because honestly, where would she be without her? In some ways, Anya was more important than Clarke. She knows that. But Clarke hasn't left her mind. At least not yet.

"Clarke might not be happy that you told her. Hell, maybe she's a bit freaked. But I'm glad you told her. I'm glad that you're comfortable with who you are. Don't let other people take that away," Anya leaned in and kissed her cheek. "You're doing great, Lex. Someday you'll be living in a cute little loft in New York City, with your future girlfriend or wife. You'll be happy. And I'm gonna call you and say, 'I fucking knew it, Lex!' And then you'll probably hang up because you're gonna have very important things to do that night."

Lexa scoffs, "Please. You won't have to call. You'll be my extremely annoying roommate."

"Pfft, with my ninja skills, they won't even know I'm there. Plus, I'll only be there when I'm not busy touring the world to play soccer. So of course I'm gonna have to call you to make sure you're still alive."

They spend the rest of the night in Lexa's bed, lazily eating Ben and Jerry's. Anya was the first one to doze off. Lexa was nearly asleep next to Anya when her phone started to ring violently. She curses quietly to herself before she silences it, not even bothering to look at the screen. Anya mumbles something in her sleep before rolling over, her arm snaking its way around Lexa's waist.

"Tell the bastard to stop calling." Anya whispers, and meanwhile Anya's sleepy voice provides her some comfort, she still feels awful. Things were changing too fast today. Clarke had gotten jealous of Anya. And Lexa couldn't really understand why. Clarke always had that impact on her. They knew each other so well, but there's always a few things that still manage to complete catch Lexa off guard.

But now Lexa really just wanted to sleep. Right now, she really just wanted to lean into Anya's warmth and sleep for a few solid hours and wake up with Anya. And then wake up next to her with her stupid grin and make pancakes. But she was worried about Clarke. But Clarke was most likely with Raven or Octavia. Maybe both. Hell, in this exact moment, Lexa would be okay if Clarke was with Finn just so she wasn't alone. She doesn't want Clarke to be guilty. She knows that Clarke is probably beating herself up right now. But she is really fucking tired, and when Anya sloppily presses a kiss to her shoulder, she allows her eyes to close again. She leans back into her pillow, and Anya mumbles something else.

When her phone rings again, she curses as she picks it up.

"I will block that bastard's ass for you." Anya growls, and Lexa holds up her hand to shut her up. Her phone has been ringing all night. The least she could do was answer it. She doesn't bother to look at the ID. "Hello?"

"Oh, thank god. Lexa? You finally answered. I messed up. I need your help," It's not Clarke. Instead, it's a quiet, wild voice. She knows who it is. Finn. She doesn't understand why Finn, out of all people is calling her and is telling her he needs help. "Clarke won't stop crying. I think she's having a mental breakdown, or something and- Clarke, yes it's Lexa. Shh. She keeps asking for you."

"Oh. Um, where are you?" Lexa asks, and Anya groans, her grip already tightening around Lexa.

"I, actually uh, stopped by your house." Finn says awkwardly, and Lexa sighs. Of course Finn is already here. He's been the one trying to call her for the past thirty minutes. She feels even worse now, knowing that it was because Clarke needed her.

"I'll be there in a few minutes. Don't move, Finn."

Anya watches her as she hangs up. Lexa sighs. "An, I love you, but Clarke needs me."

Lexa knows that Anya bites back a comment as she nods in agreement. "Okay. I'll see you at school Monday, then." Lexa frowns.

"What? No. Wait here, it'll only take a few minutes. I promise." Lexa argues, and Anya laughs quietly, shaking her head in disbelief.

"It's Clarke," Anya whispers. "You'd spend all night with her if that's what she wanted. I'll see you on Monday." Anya's slipping out of bed, grabbing her sweatshirt and slipping her shoes on.

"Bu-" the argument dies in Lexa's throat when Anya just gives her a smile.

"Don't worry 'bout it, Lex."

Lexa sighs again as Anya climbs out of her open window, not looking back. She can see Finn's jeep across the street. She wonders what would have happened if she just decided to ignore her phone for the rest of the night. Lexa doesn't bother to be quiet as she walks down the stairs, knowing that Abby and Jake are heavy sleepers. Finn's leaning against his car by the time she comes out, and he runs his fingers through his hair nervously.

"Lexa, before yo-"

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't punch you in your perfect teeth." Lexa growls, pushing past him and throwing open his car door, where Clarke sits. She smells like alcohol and smoke. Lexa heart breaks for the shuddering sob that escapes Clarke, and she spins on her heel. "Did you drug her?!" Lexa demands, and Finn shakes his head.

"Wha- No! I took her to a party. I lost her for, like a hour, and when I find her she's completely wa-"

"You took her to a party?" Lexa says slowly. She's aching to punch Finn. She doesn't know where such stupidity comes from. "How fucking stupid are you? Taking Clarke? I don't care if she wanted to go!"

"Lex?" Lexa and Finn both look over at Clarke. Stepping away from Finn, Lexa pushes a strand of loose hair behind Clarke's ear. In this exact moment, Clarke reminds her of a child. "Lex, I fucked up so bad." Clarke whispers, and Lexa sighs.

"No, Clarke, you didn't. Whatever you did, it's not a problem, okay? Let's get you inside, okay? You'll be fine, love." Lexa wipes away another tear that rolls down Clarke's face. She wonders how long Clarke has been crying. From her bloodshot eyes and tearstained cheeks, Lexa knows it's been a while. Clarke can only nod, sniffling as she throws her arm around Lexa's neck.

"Here, I'll help." Finn mutters, and Lexa glares at him. When she's done helping Clarke, she's going to kill him. Then she's going to bring him back and kill him again. She's not going to just let Finn walk away. Knowing him, he probably cares less about what happens to Clarke. He just wanted to get her out of his business.

Finn follows behind quietly as Lexa helps Clarke up the stairs. She keeps mumbling something about fucking things up, and Lexa sighs. Clarke's obviously not in the right mind. "How much did she drink, Finn?" Lexa asks. She's not that angry anymore. Right now, she's more concerned about Clarke than she is about dealing with Finn.

"I don't know." He whispers.

If she wasn't ready before, she's ready to push him down the stairs now. She pretends that Finn isn't here, and closes Clarke's bedroom door behind them. Clarke nearly falls off the bed when Lexa tries to get her to sit down. She pulls out a piece of gum, unwrapping it before handing it to Clarke.

"Chew and maintain, Clarke." Lexa mutters as she starts to take off Clarke's shoes.

"Lexxxaaaa," Clarke nearly howls, and Lexa groans quietly. Jake and Abby may be heavy sleepers, but they'll wake up eventually if Clarke insists on keep making so much noise. She knows that she can't do anything about it, not when Clarke's not in the right mind. "Before you get pissed, I'm sorry. I fucked up."

"No, you didn't. Finn was being stupid. Let's get you cleaned up, okay?"

"I wanna take a shower." Clarke whines, and Lexa bites the inside of her cheek.

"N-now?" Lexa stutters, looking up at Clarke.

"Yeah. I..." Confusion crosses Clarke's face as she looses her train of thought. Lexa's thankful. In the state she's in, Clarke would probably die trying to take a shower. "Shower." Clarke demands, throwing her feet off the edge of her bed, and stumbling towards the door that leads to their bathroom. Lexa quickly grabs a towel and some clean clothes.

When she gets to the bathroom, Clarke's already dropping her jacket and t-shirt on the floor. Lexa turns on the water, and is about to leave. Clarke can handle a five minute shower by herself, right?

"Uh, Lex? I need help. I can't get my pants off."

Right. Of course she can't.

"Um, o-okay." Lexa stutters at the sight of seeing Clarke in her bra and black jeans. Clarke smiles widely. And Lexa looks away to hide her blush. Clarke most likely won't remember anything in the morning. It's not that big of a deal. Clarke's just drunk and obviously needs help. But that's still not enough to keep Lexa from freaking out slightly as Clarke grips her shoulders to help herself as she unbuttons her jeans. Clarke can handle the rest.

That thought quickly disappears as Clarke struggles even more to pull them down. Lexa swallows roughly as she pulls them down for her. "Thanks, Lex. What would I do without you?" Clarke slurs.

"Just take your shower now," Lexa mumbles, ignoring the warmth of Clarke's hip against her hand. "I got you some clean cl-"

"Lexa?"

Lexa knows exactly what Clarke needs, her back to her now. She should have gotten Jake or Abby. It's too late for that now, though, and Lexa sighs. "Can you really not take off your own bra, Clarke?"

"It'd be hotter if you do. And my arms are tired."

It takes everything in Lexa to not leave, and she bites her lip nervously. She brings shaking hands to the clasp, and she tries to ignore the way Clarke leans into her. But Clarke's so warm, and she has her hair pushed to the side, leaving her neck bare an- No. Lexa refuses to let her thoughts get the best of her. She's about to pull away when she notices a faint bruise on Clarke's neck. She notices another one on Clarke's collarbone and a few red lines on her back. Lexa knows exactly what it means. She wants to pretend that it's just part of her imagination, but it explains why Clarke was so upset earlier. She slept with someone, end of story. Lexa takes a step away when the garment falls to the floor, and she's staring at her feet as Clarke gets into the shower.

A few minutes later, Clarke's calling her for help again, and Lexa blindly hands her the towel she grabbed, shoving the clothes she got into Clarke's arms. "Shout if you need me. You can get dressed, right?"

Lexa doesn't wait for her response as she storms out, closing the door quietly. She's ready to yell at Finn when she sees him leaning against the doorframe to Clarke's room.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think she'd drink that much, she said she wanted to go, and I-"

"I don't care how damn sorry you are, something bad could've happened to her! How stupid are you? It's like you're trying to hurt her! Guess what, Finn? I won't let that happen. Now get the hell out of my house before I-"

"Clarke's the only one who understands me," Finn whispers, and Lexa's surprised by the sudden change in their conversation. "You don't like me. That's fine. I can live with you hating me. But I can't live with Clarke hating me. I need her."

Lexa scoffs, crossing her arms over her chest. "I need Clarke. She's my entire life. And sh-" _runs off to have sex with a stranger._ Lexa doesn't finish her sentence as Finn cuts her off.

"No. Hear me out," Finn argues, slowly rolling up his sleeves. "Clarke's the only one who helps. That's why I'm here so much. She takes care of me."

Lexa's about to roll her eyes, tell him that it's an awful lie, but then she notices the scars on Finn's arms. She doesn't understand why he's showing her. But she understands why he went to Clarke. Clarke takes care of everyone. She likes to make sure that everyone's okay. It makes more sense. Clarke taking care of Finn. She feels like a fish out of water. She had completely misinterpreted Finn. Lexa saw him nothing more than a douchebag. But now it all seems like an act. She doesn't know what to say, and she's thankful for the diversion as Clarke calls for her again.

She helps a half asleep Clarke climb into her bed. "Lay with me?" Clarke mumbles, grasping her hand tightly, and Lexa only shakes her head, tucking a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ear. Lexa knows that Clarke's not able to tell that something is bothering her. Lexa can't even think about laying down with Clarke while knowing a few hours ago, Clarke was sleeping with someone else.

"Not tonight, Clarke," Lexa whispers. Clarke frowns slightly, and Lexa gives her a small smile. "But tomorrow, okay? We'll spend the whole day watching movies, okay? Sound good?"

Clarke mumbles something in agreement before she falls asleep, and Lexa sighs in relief. Its silent for a few minutes, and Lexa hasn't let go of Clarke's hand.

"You like her, don't you?"

Lexa can only glare at Finn as he gives her a kind smile. She understands him better. He's tolerable now. But in that exact moment, it just makes her dislike him even more. What happens between her and Clarke shouldn't matter to him.

Finn holds his hands up in surrender, the smile disappearing, "Don't worry. I'm not going to tell anybody. I can promise you that."

"I don't like Clarke." Lexa grumbles in defense, and Finn chuckles slightly.

"Hate to break it to you, but if you don't like Clarke, you wouldn't look at her the way you do." Finn replies, and Lexa can hear the smile on his voice. She just rolls her eyes.

"Get the hell out of my house, Collins. Before I beat your ass."

***

Lexa is shaken awake by Clarke. She's more upset that she hasn't been able to stay awake all night to make sure nothing else has happened to Clarke.

"Why are you sleeping on the floor, Lex?" Clarke asks, flinching at her own voice, and Lexa ignores Clarke's question as she props herself on her elbows, running her fingers through her hair.

"How do you feel?" Lexa whispers. "Headache?"

"Headache." Clarke confirms, groaning quietly as she leans back into her pillows. Glancing over Clarke's alarm clock, Lexa sees that it's almost one. She should go get Clarke a cup of water. Bring her some food and see if she's up for it.

Lexa ignores Clarke's questions when she leaves. It's barely ten minutes later when she's back upstairs, handing Clarke a cup of water with ibuprofen and a plate of toast.

She doesn't want to press Clarke, but she wants to know what happened last night. If Clarke even remembers what happened. She wants to know why Clarke was so upset. It hurt her to see Clarke like that, and she doesn't even know the reason. No. She does. But she wants to hear it from Clarke. She wants to know if Clarke still trusts her. Clarke mumbles a thank you and grabs a piece of the toast.

"Do you remember anything from last night?" Lexa asks.

Clarke freezes. They're both silent for a few minutes, and Clarke eventually shrugs. "Nothing happened." Her eyes doesn't meet Lexa's. She's lying. Lexa knows that. And it's enough to anger her. She dropped everything last night to take care of Clarke, and Clarke lies to her. She'd be okay Clarke said she didn't want to talk about it. That's different than lying.

"You're lying, Clarke. I-"

"Look, I did some stupid things. And I don't need you judging me for them!" Clarke snaps, and Lexa sighs. Clarke's clearly upset with what she had done. Lexa can understand that. But she wants Clarke to know that she can still trust her, and it's obvious that Clarke doesn't feel that way anymore. No matter what Clarke has done, Lexa would still do anything for her.

"Clarke, I will choose you every god damn time," Lexa whispers. She feels guilty. She would think about picking Anya, too. But Anya was right. She would pick Clarke over her. And she can't decide if it makes her a bad person. Anya is always so understanding. But Anya can handle herself. And Clarke has always seemed to need her. "I don't care how shitty you feel. I don't care if you hate me. I'll pick you. I'll carry you. In case you haven't noticed, I want to be here for you. You're not going to scare me away anytime soon." She exhales nervously, pressing a kiss to Clarke's temple. Clarke grabs her arm, whispering something back. Lexa doesn't hear it. But Clarke's folding back the blankets, pushing herself to the side, making more room for Lexa. She looks up at her with her wide blue eyes, and it reminds Lexa of the first time she had met Clarke. Curious. Gentle.

Lexa knows exactly what Clarke wants. She doesn't want her words. She wants Lexa to be able to say it with her actions. She wants her to stay. She wants Lexa to prove to her that's she's not lying. And Lexa has no issues with that. It's going to take some time working through this- but Lexa had promised Clarke she's not going anywhere. And that's a promise she'll keep. And if it's not a promise she can't keep, Lexa knows it's going to go down in flames. She tries to bury the ideas of Clarke sleeping with someone in the back of her mind. It's not any of her business, but everything's different when it comes to Clarke.

She lays down next to Clarke. Lexa can't help but let her fingers wander to the dark spots on Clarke's neck. She brushes over then gently, wondering how things would've played out if she was the one who left them there. Clarke mumbles incomprehensibly, her fingers tracing the scar on Lexa's arm. Clarke has done it multiple times before. Now, it sends chills down her back, and goosebumps rise on her neck when Clarke whispers, "You're my hero, Lex. Don't let me go."


	4. FOOLS

_"I need time to replace what I gave away."_

* * *

  
Things between Clarke and Lexa are only rockier once the weekend ends. Lexa's pissed that Clarke hasn't admit to sleeping with someone, and Clarke pretends that nothing is wrong. Which only pisses Lexa off even more. Lexa knows that she can't just control Clarke and everything she does, but she hoped by now Clarke would just say it. She doesn't understand why Clarke is pretending. They obviously grew up. Obviously things change and they want to do different things. But it bothers her more than she would have expected. After dropping everything to make sure Clarke was alright in the dead of the night, Clarke acts like it was nothing out of the ordinary. But it is. Lexa has never seen Clarke like that. It's obvious that something was bothering her before she even decided to go to the party. Which makes it Lexa's fault for not noticing and being able to intervene. That's one of the worst parts about it- and the fact that it's very obvious that Clarke doesn't trust her with this information. Lexa would even settle down for a sugar coated version of the truth than loose all of Clarke's trust at once.

On Sunday, they wake up the same. Lexa's hand is griping Clarke's right hand and Clarke's free hand is thrown over Lexa's chest, tracing designs on Lexa's arm around the area Lexa's scar rests. Clarke's face is buried in her neck, one of her legs thrown over Lexa's waist, pinning her down. Usually Lexa would stay until Clarke woke up, just in a way to stay in bed, comforted by Clarke's warmth and even breathing. But this time, Lexa can barely stand to look at her much less spend her time with Clarke today. She loves Clarke with all of her heart, but she can't decide if she can handle Clarke pushing her away. It would be easier to just walk away like Clarke wants her too. It takes everything in Lexa to not ask Clarke if she's okay when she's obviously not. It's how they work. If one of them is upset, the other immediately knows without words. But they always ask if they're up to talk about it. If Clarke was going to lie, what was the point in asking her for the truth? At this point, Lexa has just decided to act like nothing is wrong.

Lexa starts to sit up, letting go of Clarke's smaller hand, but Clarke's grip on her tightens. Lexa sighs, looking over at Clarke.

"Don't gooo," Clarke whines, her voice heavy with sleep. "The soccer season doesn't even start for another four months, and tryouts are now? That's stupid."

Lexa doesn't respond or make an excuse as she gets up, pulling her hoodie over her head. She needs to go to school with Anya for soccer. It's the last practice before the teams are announced. Lexa's sure that Clarke has a project or something. Either way, Clarke would find a way to pass time. Lexa's eyes run over Clarke's neck as Clarke sits up sleepily, the sheets bundling up at her waist, a small whine coming from her. Over the past two days, Lexa has looked at the same spots on Clarke, she's expecting for nothing to change. But the bruises on her neck are almost gone, and she can't see them from where she stands. If they weren't there, Lexa would lean over and Clarke would give her a kiss on the cheek, mumbling something about trying to have fun before falling back asleep with a small smile. But the bruises change everything. It makes Lexa angrier that they were even there in the first place. And that Clarke hasn't told her yet. Lexa knows that the inevitable between them was happening, but that doesn't mean she's ready for it. Things are different as she leaves without a word, knowing that Clarke eyes never leave her. She finds herself flinching when she accidentally slams the door shut behind her.

Lexa pauses at the top of the stairs. It's not important; Clarke sleeping with someone else. Things like this happen as they got older. She had just always imagined Clarke trusting her with it. Lexa had always imagined that it would be just the two of them, too. Conquering the world like when they were younger. Everything is changing so fast. Soon they'll be off to college and never see each other again, and she's wasting her time be upset about something that she always knew was going to happen between them. Lexa wasn't going to be the only one who knows all of Clarke's little quirks. Or her annoyingly endearing habits. Lexa deep down, Lexa hoped she would be the only one. Sometimes, she still does. Lexa sighs as she starts down the stairs instead of going back to Clarke.

Lexa had planned to give Clarke her space on Sunday. So that's what she's going to do; leave Clarke wrapped up in blankets and with her laptop to the house by herself and spend the day at Anya's after practice. It turns out that they didn't have practice. Instead their coach is trying to get them to raise money before the season starts.

And as it turns out, Lexa can not _stand_ Niylah Shunter. She could deal with Raven boldly flirting with her and Anya while they're forced to sit underneath the scorching sun in hopes to get enough money for soccer and whatever Raven calls her club before their principal decides to cut the budget. But she can not stand the sly smile Niylah gave her when Raven introduced them. Lexa hates Niylah. She wouldn't want to spend a single day along with her. If standing under the sun and pathetically trying to wash cars wasn't bad enough, Niylah Shunter is worse. And here she is, sitting in a chair next to Anya listening to all of the bullshit Niylah is saying.

Even Octavia can't stand her. The fact that Raven can stand seeing her 5 out of 7 days of the week is a surprise to Lexa. Lexa looks over at Anya, who gives her a cocky smile as she adjusts her hat, her eyes hiding behind sunglasses. Lexa rolls her eyes at Anya's appearance. Anya mumbles something as she reclines back in her chair.

It is ridiculous. Five girls trying and pathetically failing to raise money for their school. Octavia yelled at their coach for it, saying something about how the soccer team is better than their football team and that they shouldn't be the ones getting cut. Lexa wasn't going to argue with that, but soccer season hadn't started yet. Creating the doubt and making Lexa spend her time with insufferable people. Or more specifically Niylah. Lexa has the urge to just get up and walk away, but Anya is her ride home. That and she doesn't want to see Clarke right now.

"This is bullshit," Raven complains, looking up from whatever she had started building in her hands. "C'mon, Lexa. If Anya can show off her abs, so can you. At least then we might get a pity wash."

Lexa just chuckles nervously, rolling her eyes as she adjusts the hat Anya slapped onto her head. "I am not taking off my shirt just so you can have more eye candy, Reyes."

"I bet Clarke would like that." Niylah mumbles under her breath behind her, and Lexa whips around to look at her.

"What the fuck did you just say about Clarke?" Lexa demands, and Niylah just gives her another smile.

"I said she'd like having you put on a show. That's all. You know Clarke swings both ways, right? And apparently you're at the top of her list, but you know since you two are sisters and all, it-"

"Shut. Up." Lexa stands up so fast to get leveled with Niylah that the crappy chair she was using falls over. Niylah crosses her arms and shrugs, acting indifferent. She's so angry that it feels like her veins are on fire. That not even Octavia and Anya could stop her from punching Niylah when she looses it. No matter how mad she is at Clarke, nobody, absolutely nobody can talk bad about her. If they do, Lexa will end them. "Have any other shit you want to say? Say it to my face when you have the chance."

"I would, but maybe you'd want to hear it from Clarke."

Lexa shoves Niylah away from her, and she trips over the toolbox Raven had dragged along with them. Lexa could ignore a small comment about Clarke. Not everyone was going to love her the way Lexa did. That was acceptable. But hearing Niylah talk about Clarke like she's nothing is going to far. Niylah was assuming the worst about Clarke. And with that stupid smug smile, Lexa had enough of it.

Niylah doesn't fall. But Lexa wishes she did, because she honestly deserves it. It would have given her enough time to ignore the looks from Raven, Octavia and Anya. Raven and Octavia look a bit shocked, as if Octavia actually thought she wouldn't start a fight. Raven stares opened but doesn't do anything besides toy with the end of her prothetic. Anya smiles at her, almost encouraging her. As if to say, that's my girl. Go get her Lex! If Niylah hadn't shoved her back, Lexa would have rolled her eyes at Anya while giving her a sarcastic thumbs up.

"You don't get to talk about Clarke like that."

"Just saying the truth, Woods."

"What, that you can't keep your mouth shut? I already knew that." Lexa spits. Nobody has called her woods in a long time. Woods was like a ghost. Nobody brought it up. Lexa was thankful for that. She was basically a Griffin. And Niylah saying it, knowing it was going to sting hits close to home.

Niylah shoves her again, and this time, Lexa falls. Right on top of Raven and Lexa becomes even more furious, and she scrambles back to her feet. First Clarke. Now Lexa's almost convinced she just broke Raven's leg. And Niylah doesn't even seem to care. Niylah barely acknowledges Raven.

"What, afraid people are gonna know that you wouldn't hesitate to sleep with your sister? I gotta say, that's fucked up."

Lexa doesn't think twice before her fist connects with Niylah's face. There's suddenly shouting and Octavia pushes her away from Niylah, who's nose is now bleeding. She's yelling at Niylah and she can barely hear herself as she feels a pair of arms wrap around her waist and lift her easily. She knows who it is. And in that moment Lexa's torn between giving up or squeezing her way out of Anya's grasp just to punch Niylah again. Just to make sure she doesn't talk about Clarke again.

"Anya, put me down, I-"

"You can beat her ass when you won't get suspended, Lex." Anya mumbles, and Lexa sighs in defeat. It was stupid to punch Niylah. And it was stupid for Niylah thinking she can waltz in and whatever the hell she wants. Anya sets her down on the hood of her car. Lexa feels like a little kid again, like when she pushed Finn. She almost excepts Anya to be prodding her like Jake, trying to get some information, but Anya already knows why. When it comes to Anya, she's an open book with no ending.

"She was a bitch, Lex. I get it. Don't let it get to you, alright?" Lexa crosses her arms over her chest stubbornly as Anya chuckles slightly, shaking her head. Anya grabs her hand a squeezes it before mumbling, "It was a good punch, though." Anya sits on the hood next to her, and Lexa can only smile, even though Niylah looks like she's ready to kill her from a few feet away.

Lexa doesn't respond. Niylah has disappeared, probably to get ice. She looks over at Raven. Suddenly her anger is replaced with guilt, and she leaves Anya alone, sitting across from Raven.

"I'm sorry," Lexa mumbles to her, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly. Raven glances up at her before looking back down at her leg and grabbing something from the toolbox. "I didn't mea- I didn't think that would happen. It's just th-"

"You were defending Clarke. I get it." Raven says, and Lexa's almost sure she can hear a hint of a smile in Raven's voice.

"No, it's not. Is it broken?" Lexa asks. This is probably the longest conversation she's had with Raven, and she feels so guilty she's sure she's going to cry. Raven looks up at her, and then starts laughing suddenly. "What?"

"It's ju-" Raven shakes her head, shoulders shaking as she looks back down at her leg again, then back at Lexa. Lexa's probably more confused than she should be. "Oh, my god. That's hilarious!" Raven stops laughing, but when she sees Lexa confused expression she looses it all over again. "One second ago you were punching Niylah in the face and now you're almost crying because you thought you broke my leg? Lexa, it's fi-"

"Well, I didn't know if I hurt you or not. I just wanted to make sure. Jesus, Raven." She starts to get up, but Raven stops her.

"Aw, no, Lexa! Hey, I forget you aren't used to it like Clarke and Octavia are. No biggie. The leg's fine. I swear, it's lucky." Raven swings it around, and Lexa sighs. "See, Stan still got it!"

"You named your leg? I mean, people name their cars bu-"

"Are you laughing at Stan?" Raven asks with complete seriousness before she starts laughing again. "Lexa, it's fine."

Lexa only nods as she starts to trudge her way back to Anya. "Hey, Lexa?" Raven calls behind her. "You know, you don't always have to badass Lexa around me and Octavia. We're friends with Clarke, so you're stuck with us, too." Lexa returns the smile.

  
Their soccer coach finds them a few minutes later, ignoring Niylah's bloody nose. Lexa was hoping that he would decide to cut their pathetic attempt at getting money short and make them practice, but instead he decides to cut them loose. Which for today, is better. Lexa's not sure if she can handle spending anymore time around someone who isn't Anya. Anya wastes no time turning on the radio in her car before dragging Lexa into the seat next to her. And it's one of those days where her and Anya drive around with the windows down, no specific designation in mind.

They end up at the food store. Anya's in the mood for baking. Lexa wasn't going to argue, not when the only things she can think about are Clarke, Niylah and almost breaking 'Stan'. She couldn't remember the last time her and Anya did something without it getting interrupted. This time she's determined to not let anyone get in the way- even Clarke. So when she sees Costia at one of the checkouts as they walk by, Lexa nearly drops the carton of eggs Anya has shoved into her arms.

"Lex, if you drop those eggs, I will kill you."

"You won't be saying that when you try some of my cookies."

Anya snickers as she adds a pile of chocolate chips to Lexa's arms and Lexa just sighs, not bothering to say anything else. The past three days have been an emotional roller coaster for her. She wishes it would stop. But this always happens every once in a while- where she's put on edge. At the beginning of the school year. And it's not the stress of school starting up again, but it's around the same time she was left on the curb and Jake had found her. Ever since she was little, living with the Griffins she was terrified that her family come back. And it's stupid because she knows they could come waltzing right back in any minute- but it's always worse when school starts again.

Anya drags her to a checkout. She looks around and sees that Costia is gone, and she's glad she doesn't have something else to add to her problems. Anya nudges her, and she's not sure if it's to get her attention or just one of Anya's signs of affection- either way, Lexa barely notices as they make their way back to Anya's car.

Less than thirty minutes later, they're the only ones in the Asher household as Anya blares music from her speaker and Lexa's pulling another batch of cookies out of the kitchen.

She tries her best to be as energetic as Anya, but it doesn't happen. She spends her time watching as Anya makes the cookies.

Anya had immediately noticed that something is wrong, but Lexa insisted that she's fine. It's also clear that something's bothering Anya, so as always they end up giving up on the other to speak. The tension between them quickly turns into a comfortable silence as they end up watching a movie on Anya's ratty old couch in the basement. Lexa falls asleep with one of her legs thrown over Anya and her face resting in her stomach. When she wakes up, Anya just looks down at her with that same lopsided smile that always manages to make Lexa feel better. She hasn't gotten used to waking up in Anya's arms. Even when they lived together. Lexa was to used to Clarke's blonde hair and blue eyes and gentle touches. And occasionally a small whine as Clarke tries to convince her to stay. Anya doesn't give her that. She's comfortable with Anya, but she never gives Lexa the same sense of belonging Clarke somehow manages to give her everyday. Not that Anya made her uncomfortable- it's just how it was.

Anya's smirk doesn't meet the look in her eyes. And as thankful Lexa is for Finn calling her a few nights ago, she can't help but feel guilty for leaving Anya. She hasn't told Anya about Finn, but Lexa has made peace with him. Even when he called Saturday afternoon to check in with Clarke when she was ignoring him. Lexa was starting to believe that she was wrong all the time. About everything. Except Anya. Lexa was always right when it comes to Anya. And Anya was clearly disappointed about Friday night. So was Lexa.

"You talk a lot in your sleep. I've never noticed it before," Anya tells her, and Lexa just smiles sheepishly. "Usually, it'd be annoying, but since it's you I decided to ignore that." Lexa knows that she shouldn't bring it up now, especially since Anya's in a good mood, but before it was clear that Anya's annoyed with her. Anya trying to lighten the load on Lexa. She always does. Lexa has been avoiding her problems with Clarke, and she doesn't want to do that with Anya. She's afraid that it'll all just somehow manage to go wrong and change everything. Avoiding her problems worked in the past, but it's Anya.

"You're mad at me." Lexa replies, and Anya sighs as she lazily flicks through the television channels.

"I'm just a bit disappointed, there's a difference." Anya counter back, and Lexa props herself up, forcing Anya to look at her.

"If you were a mess like Clarke was Friday night, I'd be there to help you, too." Lexa assures her, but Anya won't have any of that. She shakes her head, still frowning slightly.

"Lex, I love you. I'd always pick you first. And I'm okay with you picking Clarke first," Anya pauses, exhaling nervously. "I'm just disappointed that you're not doing things that make you happy. You always put Clarke and I first. Just think about yourself for once, please. You don't have to hold the whole world on your shoulders."

Lexa is quiet at that. She never saw it that way. She was just trying to help Clarke and Anya. Lexa just wants them to happy. If it means they push her around, that's fine. It's not something she can't handle. She didn't think that Anya would be disappointed about something like that. If it meant that they were happy, she would do anything.

"Well, I have to take care of my girls," Lexa finally settles on, and Anya frowns. "Who else is going to take care of you two if I don't?"

"Let me take care of you. When's the last time you actually did something you wanted to do, Lex? Besides camp out here with me?"

"I got to take a nap on you. Thanks for being my pillow, by the way." Lexa mumbles against Anya's shoulder. She doesn't feel like moving. She's too comfortable, used to the feeling of Anya's fingers pressing to her spine and the vibration as Anya mumbles a response that mixes in with the sound blasting from the television. Lexa doesn't comprehend her own actions as she she nuzzles in closer, her lips brushing against Anya's neck. The response is immediate. Anya's fingers dig deeper against her spine, her other hand gripping Lexa's waist.

"Lexa." Anya exhales, but it's barely there. Lexa's not sure of what it is. If it's a warning or not. Anya's eyes are clamped shut, and Lexa almost regrets it. But she doesn't. Being pressed against Anya and the faint smell of detergent through Anya's oversized sweatshirt feels so right. Maybe it's because she's upset about Clarke and is lonely. She tries to blame it on that, but she knows that it's not the truth. Everything about Anya right now feels so natural, and she doesn't want that feeling to go away. In her life, Anya has been the most sturdiest thing. Things with Clarke always somehow go wrong. But Anya always understood her. Despite the fact that Anya might have disagreed with her.

"Sorry," Lexa eventually whispers back, scolding herself for doing something so stupid. "I- I got too comfortable. Sorry." She's pushing herself up, mumbling another apology, and Anya watches her carefully with a small frown.

It's a disaster. Lexa's fumbling with her hands, and Anya's looking at her with an expression that Lexa's never seen on her before. She can't tell if it's because Anya's surprised and confused, or if it's because Anya's just watching her, either way, Lexa doesn't mull on it for much longer. She let her mind get ahead of her, and it's a shitty mistake to make; kissing Anya.

Anya's lips are slightly chapped but perfectly soft at the same time. Lexa's eyes flutter shut and when Anya puts her hands on the sides of Lexa's face to hold me where she wants her, it's like she's afraid that Lexa's going to pull away. But it doesn't happen. Lexa's hands find her hips. (All while shaking) and Anya pulls away too soon. It's been such a long time since Lexa has been able to focus on just one thing. Even if it's kissing her best friend, she doesn't regret it. Lexa's eyes finally open again when Anya whispers her name, and she can't help but smile. Anya looks so damn unsure, it just wins her heart. She's used to Anya always giving her confident smiles and cocky comments, but now Anya has nothing to say, and it's amazing. Lexa can't remember the last time she saw Anya with so much emotion in her eyes. And it's because of her.

Lexa should go get her head cleared. Take a walk, anything to convince herself that she didn't kiss Anya just because she was lonely. Lexa doesn't want to be that person.

"That, uh, was an interesting change." Anya mutters. Lexa can only nod in agreement, and they both laugh uncomfortably.

"That's not happening again, is it?" Lexa asks, rubbing the back of her neck nervously, waiting for Anya's response. But Anya has already averted her attention back to the television, giving Lexa her answer. Even then, Lexa can't help but feel like she's letting Anya down. She adores Anya. But now, she's starting to wish she had stayed home with Clarke. Things with Clarke might be changing, but that's what always happens between them. Now things were changing in Anya, and Lexa dreads it.

* * *

 

Clarke hates herself. The past two days have been spent ignoring Raven and Octavia. Her parents have been busy with work. And Lexa had ran off to Anya's house. Clarke could deal with that. But she can't deal with Lexa giving her a smile that doesn't meet her eyes, or refusing to look over at her as she left this morning. She wishes her dad was home to talk about it. He always seemed to help her mend things between her and Lexa.

She glances up at her door. The one Lexa slammed shut almost three hours ago. She almost expects Lexa to barge in with her brown hair in a ponytail, curls sticking out and shinning with sweat as she gives Clarke her small smile. But it doesn't happen and Clarke's left alone with her laptop and watching Grey's Anatomy.

Clarke jumps when there's a knock on her door, and few seconds later Jake pokes his head in. He's smiling widely, and Clarke smiles back, despite the heavy feeling in her chest. "Dad? What are you doing home so early?"

Jake shrugs, "I came home early to see my girls. Where's Lexa?"

"She, uh, said something about soccer and Anya." Clarke informs him, and when Jake's smile disappears for a few short seconds, the heavy feeling in her chest grows. Maybe if she had just came clean to Lexa and told her the truth about Friday night, Lexa wouldn't have felt the need to leave. She knows that Lexa was hoping Clarke would trust her, but she just can't tell Lexa. She's pretending that if she avoids it long enough, it'll go away.

"Well, that's okay. Wanna take a walk with me? Grab some ice cream?"

Clarke takes his offer. She pulls on a clean pair of jeans and a shirt before running down the stairs, where Jake is waiting by the front door. She had been so worried about her relationship with Lexa that she had completely forgotten about her dad. She had almost forgotten how when she was younger, every Sunday afternoon they'd walk to the small ice cream shop a few minutes away. They even took Lexa. Lexa was so surprised. She looked so small and innocent with her face pressed to the glass and debating on which flavor to choose. She wishes she was young with Lexa again. At the least, back then, she didn't have to worry about what would happen between them. Jake would tuck them in every night and they'd fall asleep without a care in the world. Now, she's constantly afraid that she'll do something wrong. At this point, she's convinced that she should stop trying now. These days she's always doing something wrong. Pissing Lexa off. Not talking to Octavia and Raven. Ignoring Finn's calls and voicemails. She's a walking pile of mistakes right now.

Jake smiles as they walk and finds a small pebble. He does what he always does- ask her about her week at school, and she tells him. She tells him how she hates the kids in her biology class and how Lexa has been saving her ass in math. She gets a small laugh from him then. She wants to tell him everything. How she wishes that he'd stop spending so much time at work, especially when mom is getting called in to surgery more often. How she's been so stupid the past few weeks and how she's not sure if she can handle it much longer, but she doesn't. She smiles back as he starts to tell her about a project at his work. And if she tries hard enough, everything is okay. It's just a normal day with Jake. Her mom will come home after her last scheduled surgery and then Jake will start to make dinner. And after dinner, she'll struggle with her math homework before Lexa decides to help with the same small smile, and Clarke ends up helping her with her human anatomy class. And after a while they'll fall asleep in Clarke's twin sized bed and nothing will be wrong.

No. She can't do that. Not after what she did with Niylah. Clarke hasn't had it in her to tell Lexa, but she knows that Lexa knows. Clarke's waiting for Lexa to snap. Lexa has put up with everything Clarke has put her through. She also wishes that Lexa would just stop being so damn nice to her and yell. Lexa is the only person she knows who hasn't yelled at her. Yet.

"Clarke? You alright?" It's her dad. He's giving her a concerned look that Clarke shrugs off as she tries to push Lexa to the back of her mind.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired." Clarke says, returning the smile as Jake hands her a cup filled with ice cream. She smiles slightly when she sees that it's chocolate with crushed graham crackers.

"Your favorite, right? Unless that changed."

"No, this is good. Thanks, dad." Clarke says, trying to sound enthusiastic. She gives him another forced smile. She knows he notices that she's not okay, even though he returns the smile. He gets a gleam in his eye, and Clarke knows what's going to happen. He's going to somehow tell her a true, embarrassing story about her when she was younger.

They usually make her laugh until her stomach hurts, mostly because Jake is great at telling them. She remembers telling him he should become an author. That was only a few weeks ago; when she was missing him so much it had started to hurt. Her and Lexa hadn't seen him for almost a week. She's used to her mom not being around, but her dad was always there. Until they got older and suddenly he wasn't. Which wasn't his fault. Clarke and Lexa don't need Jake or Abby to be home everyday, but it'd still be nice to actually see them. Lexa was better at being separated than Clarke did. Lexa had been rejected once. Clarke knows that Lexa's still afraid of that happening again, but even then, she's adapted more to their parents being busy than Clarke has. Clarke still finds herself checking the garage and the study room looking for Jake while Lexa doesn't blink an eye and tells her what the plan was for dinner.

"When you were younger, you used to ask me if I could make you fly. Do you remember that?" Jake asks her as they sit down at one of the old tables outside. The sun is already setting, catching on glass and poking through trees. Clarke can't wait to draw it later. To answer her dad's question, she shakes her head. She doesn't remember at all, and he already has all of her attention. He laughs quietly and smiles at the memory. "You used to ask me everyday I came home for work. So I'd pick you up and run around the house. If your mother was home, she'd tell me to be careful and listed all the things that could've happened if you hit your head. I'd tell her not to worry. That I wouldn't let anything happen to you."

"You always promise me that," Clarke says, trying to hide her frown. He's not as happy as she thought he would be. Instead, it sounds depressing. As if he's not sharing a happy memory but something that hurt him. "And Lexa. You always tell us, Dad, don't worry about it."

Jake ignores her comment, deciding to continue his story. She wants to tell him to stop if it makes him that upset. "You stopped asking me that when I found Lexa. I still haven't decided if it's because you suddenly grew out of it, or if Lexa gives you that feeling."

Clarke stabs at her ice cream with her plastic spoon. She then realizes that Jake grabbed her a green one. When she was younger, she always insisted on the green one, and Lexa always got the blue. She's missing Lexa so much right now, and it's only been a few hours. She doesn't know where Jake is going with this. She's not sure if she really wants to find out. Yeah, Lexa always makes things easier for her, but she doesn't understand why her dad wants to talk about it. He's never been one to pry into her social and romantic life, and she hopes that he won't start doing it now.

"Lexa has always been there for you. Two steps behind in case you fall. You know that, don't you?" Jake says when Clarke can't form any words. She taps away nervously at the table. Nearby, a kid falls over and starts to cry. Jake ignores this, and Clarke knows he's being serious about whatever he has to say next. She almost offers the kid help, but he gets up quickly, walking away with a new hole in his pants at the knee. "Clarke."

"Yeah?" Clarke does her best to not sound annoyed. But she is. Her and Jake have never talked about Lexa. It's like stepping into foreign territory; slow and most likely dangerous. She knows that they both love Lexa, but she's afraid of what he'll have to say. How they're closer than the average best friends. How it's not normal for them to fall asleep every night in each other's arms. She already knows this. It's also not normal for girls her age to go to a party and get drunk. Then hook up with someone all while imagining their best friend.

Suddenly, it feels like it's a thousand degrees outside despite the small breeze and the shade she's sitting in. She plays nervously with the hem of her shirt as Jake watches her carefully.

"I'm starting to think Lexa takes better care of you than your mother and I." Clarke freezes, looking up from her ice cream. This conversation has taken an unexpected turn. She thought that maybe Jake would try to talk about how she feels about Lexa. So she's very surprised to hear that he's worried about his parenting skills. She doesn't know what to say. Jake hasn't been a bad father. Neither has Abby. She wonders why this is suddenly coming up as a problem.

"Lexa and I take care of each other. It's just what we do." Clarke says, even though she knows it's not what Jake wants to hear. He wants to hear, it's okay, dad. You've been busy with work. We still love you. You're doing great. It's not that they were lies. She just couldn't bring herself to say it when Lexa has been by her side time and time again. And after all this time, she's letting a petty hook up get in the way. She remembers the first time her and Lexa had gotten into a fight. A real fight. It was over something stupid. Probably over Finn. There was slamming of doors and a deadly silence at dinner. Lexa avoided her gaze. They both avoided their parents careful questions about what was wrong.

Clarke was convinced she was going to have to fall asleep by herself that night. But she didn't. Lexa never failed to make her way to Clarke's room at night.

_Clarke's nearly asleep when she hears the knock on her door. For a spilt second, she thinks it's one of her parents, but she knows it's not them. They never need her for something this late. She knows it's Lexa. Even after their fight over some stupid boy, Lexa's willing to come over here and spend her time with her._

_The door opens slowly and Lexa sticks her head in. Clarke knows Lexa is still upset, but with that endearing smile on her face, the one that she save only for her is plastered on. It was as if they hadn't spent the whole afternoon arguing. Clarke can't help it. She wants Lexa to openly express how much she dislikes Finn, "Did I mention I don't get you, Lex?"_

_Lexa shrugs, the smile disappearing as she responds, "It's my job to make sure you don't get hurt. Even if it's from a stupid boy like Finn. Because that's what we do. You and I, we take care of each other, Clarke."_

Clarke remembers how serious Lexa was. It was almost as if Lexa's life depended on it, making sure she was happy. Now she's now so sure, but Clarke would do anything for Lexa. Right now it might make her sound like a hypocrite because she shouldn't be lying.

"You do. What would we do without Lex?" He asks with a quick laugh, and Clarke nearly shudders at the though. She does not want to see a world without Lexa. If Lexa wasn't there, everything would be thrown off. Clarke's never letting Lexa go. She'd never be able to bring herself to do that.

"I'm not letting her go." Clarke tells him, and his smile widens.

"I'm glad you're saying that, kiddo. Lexa's special, isn't she?"

"Yeah. She's... She's Lexa." Clarke settles on, knowing that she'll never be able to find the right words to describe the feelings Lexa gives her. They take the long way home, and when they get there, both of them are surprised to see Abby's car pulled in the driveway.

Clarke's even more surprised to find Lexa sitting on the couch munching on a bag of pretzels as Abby calls from the kitchen, "Lexa, don't spoil your dinner!"

"But, Mom! I didn't eat lunch!" Lexa complains, and Clarke can't help but smile. For a long time in a while, everybody was home. And everything felt normal. Jake makes his way to the kitchen, and Lexa smiles at Clarke, nodding to the spot on the couch next to her. Clarke hesitates, but quickly gives in. They sit in silence, watching the baseball game Lexa had put on.

Clarke looks over at Lexa- who looks completely bored, and she looks down at Lexa's hand. One of them have light bruises over the knuckles, and Clarke frowns. Before she can ask about it, Abby's calling them for dinner.

Dinner is boring. Jake and Abby talk about work, and Lexa doesn't meet Clarke's eyes. All Clarke can focus on are Lexa's hands. Her left hand is dotted in bruises. Jake and Abby don't notice, but it's all Clarke can focus on. She knows that it means Lexa lost her temper. She just can't tell if it was with herself or someone else. Clarke knows how Lexa gets. Lexa just shuts down. She refuses to talk to anyone for as long as she can pull it off.

Lexa looks up suddenly, and sees Clarke watching her. Lexa gives her a smile, and Clarke's surprised. She thought Lexa would avoid her, just like she has been the past few days. Clarke ends up returning the smile before Lexa turns her attention back to her food, and Clarke's back to Lexa's hand.

Dinner's clean up in silence and Abby insists that Clarke helps her clean up. Clarke doesn't argue- even though she rather talk to Lexa. When Abby tells her to sit down, Clarke heart skips a beat. She's afraid of what's to come- maybe her parents found out about Friday night. But it would make more sense if her dad was here to talk to her, too. But she knows Lexa. Lexa wouldn't have ratted her out- no matter how mad she got at Clarke.

"How's Lexa?" Abby asks, and Clarke can't help her confusion.

"Well, she's in her room. Why don't you go ask her yourself?" Clarke responds, and Abby sighs. Abby gives her a small smile, but it doesn't comfort her. Both of her parents asking her about Lexa are putting her on edge. It's not something her parents normally do- and needless to say, it's creeping her out.

"Yes, I know, Clarke. But I'm asking you. Is everything good between the two of you?"

"We're fine." Clarke answers quickly. She doesn't want to talk about Clarke. Anything that happens with her and Lexa have always stayed between them. Lexa was one of the people in her life that she is terrified of loosing. She refuses to talk about Lexa in a bad way.

"How would you feel if we adopted her?" Abby asks, and Clarke stares at her. Her mouth falls open, but she can't form the words, so she closes it again. If her parents adopted Lexa, it would mean that Lexa would be her sister. Clarke can deal with that, right? Lexa is her best friend. They are already like sisters. It's different calling Lexa her sister, and not her best friend.

"I think Lexa would be happy. So would I." Clarke finally mumbles, giving Abby a forced smile. It would be good for Lexa, to be able to stop worrying about being taken away again. Clarke wants Lexa to stop worrying about her past. But Lexa being her sister? She's not sure about it.

"We thought maybe we'll surprise her with the papers for her birthday, see if that's what she still wants." Abby tells Clarke, and Clarke can only nod before going upstairs. She runs into Lexa in the hallway, who's listening to music and gives her a concerned look but doesn't say anything as Clarke closes her bedroom door behind her. She should be happy. After having Lexa live with them for almost eleven years, she was going to get the one thing she always wanted. Clarke can't take that away from her. Lexa deserves it. Lexa deserves just about anything she asks for, really. Yet here Clarke is, trying to convince how good it'll be for Lexa. She tries to ignore the feeling in her stomach.

The next few hours pass by quickly as Clarke's left alone with her thoughts. Her parents say goodnight to her, and she's positive that Lexa isn't coming tonight, so she climbs out her window and sits on the roof. She doesn't know how long she sits there, watching as cars drive past, but it couldn't have been long.

"Not worried you'll fall off?" Lexa voice is in her ear, and she turns around, her face inches away from Lexa's. Lexa's leaning out the window, a smile on her face. For a few seconds, Clarke wonders if Jake and Abby changed their minds and asked Lexa tonight- but she knows they would have wanted her there.

"Please, you're the clumsy one." Clarke responds as Lexa climbs out the window, sitting next to her.

"Needed some inspiration?" Lexa asks, genuinely curious, and Clarke shrugs as she looks over at Lexa. Clarke could draw Lexa a hundred times just because she wanted to. She would draw Lexa a hundred more times if she were bored. Whenever Lexa's around her, nothing else matters. Nothing else gives her the same wow that Lexa does with a simple look. Clarke finds herself reaching for Lexa's hand. She finds it in the dark, her thumb ghosting over Lexa's knuckles. Clarke's about to ask Lexa about her day, but Lexa's green eyes meet hers. Even in the dark, Clarke can see them and the outline of Lexa's face. They seem to be brighter than usual, dancing with laughter.

Clarke knows that Lexa knows she's concerned about her. But that doesn't stop her from her being surprised when Lexa brings their intertwined hands to her lips and kisses Clarke's hand. She's about to make a comment about Lexa being a hopeless romantic, but Lexa asks her quietly, "How was your day, Clarke?" The way Lexa says her name makes Clarke feel like she could talk just about anything for hours on end, and Lexa would listen.

Shitty. You were gone. But dad came home early. So it was good, I guess.

"Good, I hung out with dad today."

Lexa smiles, "I could tell. You still have chocolate on your face."

"What?!"

Lexa laughs, and Clarke can't help but smile. She really wishes Lexa would laugh more often. Better yet, she wishes she was the one making Lexa laugh. "I'm kidding. But you were always a messy eater when we were younger."

Clarke shrugs it off, "How was your day, Lexa?"

Lexa grimaces. Then shrugs, giving Clarke's hand a squeeze. "I rather hear about yours, Clarke." Lexa prods gently.

_No, you don't. If I say anything else you'll find out about Niylah. I can't do that._

"You can tell me about yours, first." Clarke settled on, and Lexa sighs. Clarke sees the familiar stone expression Lexa gets when she's angry, her jaw clenching, and Clarke knows she was right about what she suspected with Lexa's hand.

"Well, I uh, I almost broke Stan." Lexa says, and the seriousness in her voice throws Clarke off.

"Stan is invincible, Lex. Raven was just toying with you." Clarke tells her as she manages to hide her laugh. Lexa nods in agreement.

"Yeah, that was fine. But I met this girl, Niylah today and she wouldn't shut up. At all. She started saying shit about you and Raven. So I lost it and punched her. Then I came home and ate dinner with my family. That's all. Now, tell me more about your day." Lexa says quickly, and Clarke sighs.

"It was boring," Clarke tells Lexa. "Really boring."

"Really? That's a shame; someone as interesting as you having a boring day." Lexa says, and Clarke looks at her. She offers her a smile, but then it immediately falls as Lexa's eyes fill with guilt. But Clarke knows it isn't Lexa's. It's Lexa realizing that Clarke is upset while she's happy. Lexa has always been that way, putting Clarke's feeling before her own. Clarke's afraid that someday it'll be what hurts Lexa. Clarke can't tell her. She's afraid of what will happen when she tells Lexa. Clarke's afraid that she's about to fall apart and Lexa will be there, just like she always is. But she's terrified that this time, it'll hurt Lexa, too. And Lexa doesn't deserve that.

"What's wrong, Clarke?" Lexa whispers, frowning as she subconsciously lets go of her hand. Clarke finds herself reaching for it blindly, not wanting to let go. Ever.

"I, uh, I have something I need to tell you. Because I've been so incredibly stupid and I felt that I couldn't tell you before." Clarke tries to prepare herself for Lexa's response. Lexa's looking at her with those green eyes, filled with so much love, Clarke wonders if Lexa will ever look at her the same way again. Clarke hadn't planed to tell Lexa about Niylah today. If she was completely honest, Clarke would have never told Lexa. But after hearing that Lexa had already met her makes her want to hide in the corner of her room, wrapped up in a blanket. Niylah and Lexa. She was stupid enough to wish that they would never collide. But they did. And here she is, her hands all sweaty as she sits on a roof next to Lexa, her best friend that she had slept with somebody else.

Lexa gives her an encouraging nod, and Clarke takes a deep breath. The worst thing that could happen is that Lexa avoids her for a few days, right?

"AtthepartyIsleptwithNiylah." Clarke breathes out so quickly, she barley hears it herself. Lexa just cocks her head slightly to the side, reminding Clarke of a confused puppy.

"What?" Lexa asks with a nervous chuckle, and Clarke can't tell if it's because Lexa didn't understand a word she said, or if Lexa is surprised.

"At the party. Friday night. I slept with Niylah Shunter." Clarke hates how easy it is to say now.

Lexa looks at her. Blinks. Then she stands up, mumbling to herself before standing in front of Clarke. Clarke's afraid that Lexa's going to slip and fall off the roof. "Tell me this is a joke, Clarke." Lexa says, her voice dangerously low. "A pathetic joke, right? Anyone but her, Clarke."

"That's how my life feels right now." Clarke mumbles, and she feels tears prickling at her eyes. She wishes that she never went to that party. At this point she wishes she would just stop making such horrible decisions. She has no excuse for what she did. They both know it. "Lexa, I..."

And that's when Lexa snaps. "No, Clarke! _You_ don't get to feel bad. Who was there to take care of you? _Me_. _I_ was there. I knew you slept with someone since you came home looking like a mess," Lexa starts pacing again.

"Lex, calm down, you're going to fall off." Clarke says stupidly, watching as Lexa slips and catches herself quickly.

"I didn't think you would hide it from me. And I didn't think you would be so impossibly stupid to sleep with someone like Niylah! Obviously, I was wrong."

"I was drunk! It was stupid, okay? I don't need you telling me that, Lexa!"

"Maybe if you'd just stop for one second and realize it, Clarke, you wouldn't have to apologize all the damn time!" Their voices quickly grow louder. Clarke regrets even thinking about telling Lexa. She has never seen Lexa like this.

"What?" Clarke asks. What the hell is she supposed to realize? That she made a mistake? That was crossed of her list. Lexa just shakes her head and mumbles something as she climbs back into Clarke's room.

"Lexa! Hey, wait!" Clarke grabs her wrist. "What the hell do you mean, Lexa?"

"Just forget it! Forget I sa-"

Her door flies open, and both of her parents stand in the doorway, looking at the two of them with surprised expressions. Lexa looks away, suddenly guilty, and Clarke lets go of her wrist, not able to look at any of them right now. She had completely forgotten about her parents. It's obvious that they heard most of her and Lexa's conversation. No. Not conversation. It was an argument. Her and Lexa's first, real argument. That her parents got the full scoop of it.

"What's going on with you two?" Jake asks, finally breaking the silence. "You two never fight."

"Yeah, well, things change, Dad." Clarke mumbles. She looks over at Lexa again. They were changing too fast.

"Lexa?"

"I should get to bed." Is Lexa's quiet response. She pushes past Jake and Abby, who give her cold looks.

"Your father and I are both off tomorrow. We'll talk about this after school." Abby informs her before following Jake down the hall. Clarke's left alone, and out of anger, she kicks one of her boxed set of charcoal away from her. She's too angry to fall asleep, but she's too tired to stay awake. Clarke glances at her closed door, expecting Lexa to storm in any second. They'll apologize and Clarke will fall asleep tracing the scar on Lexa's arm. But it doesn't happen.

And for the first time in years, Clarke falls asleep alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Thank you all for reading!*  
> PLEASE LEAVE KUDOS AND COMMENTS TO DETERMINE FUTURE/CONTINUATION OF STORY!


	5. EASE

_Your touch, my comfort, and my lullaby_

* * *

 

 

Lexa feels like she's been hit by a train. Which is a feeling she's felt before. But this time, it's worse. Because she feels like Clarke is the one who was in charge of the train. She slams her locker shut, only to jump when she sees Anya leaning against the wall. Anya's frowning slightly, and Lexa sighs. She feels like she has a sledgehammer on the inside of her skull, and she doesn't think she can handle Anya's playful comments today.

 

"You have your 'I'm angry leave me alone' face," Anya says, and Lexa sighs again. Sometimes she wishes she wasn't so close to Anya, because Anya knows everything. She's not like Clarke. She shows that she cares differently. Not prying her for information, but stating the obvious that makes it almost impossible for Lexa to not tell her. Lexa shrugs in response, ignoring the look from Niylah down the hall. Her nose is bruised, and Lexa wants to go up to her and punch her again. But she shouldn't. Right now, Lexa just needs to calm down and wait things out. With Clarke. With Anya. Lexa wants to blame it on school and soccer practice for being on an edge lately. But anyone close to her would know that's a lie. "And for someone who's going to be sixteen in two days, you don't seem very happy.”

 

Lexa shrugs. Things haven't been exactly the best for her the past few days. She could handle Niylah being a bitch on sunday. But she couldn't handle knowing that Clarke slept with Niylah. Every time Niylah or Clarke crossed her mind, which was a lot, she wanted to yell at them. Or punch them. Both would be fine, too. No. She wouldn't want to say anything she would regret later to Clarke. But Niylah makes her so freaking angry.

 

"Lexxxaaa." It's Anya trying to get her attention. Again. It doesn't work well, considering all that Lexa can focus on is Clarke talking to Niylah. It's obvious that Clarke is angry. She's giving Niylah that stubborn look that Lexa usually ends up laughing at- but this time, it bothers her. Clarke shouldn't be angry. Clarke made that choice. And whatever they're talking about is clearly bothering Clarke. Lexa wants to use it as an excuse to walk over there to Niylah.

 

"Hmm?" Lexa eventually responds, looking at Anya. She tries her best to act like Clarke isn't twenty feet behind her, talking to Niylah. Instead she forces herself to put all of her attention into Anya. And has Anya always had t-

Anya kisses her. It's not her normal peck on the cheek, or the ones where she misses and their lips brush. It's Anya pressing her lips to hers and Lexa's suddenly aware that Anya is also holding her hand. Then Anya pulls away, leaning in to whisper something in her ear. "Don't let Clarke and Niylah get to you, Lexa.”

 

Lexa can only watch as Anya disappears down the hall. Nobody is looking at her. Nobody cares. Lexa's thankful for it, especially with her ears burning and her mouth hanging open in shock. Her heartbeat is ringing in her ears. Lexa's sure she's never been like this before- not even around Clarke. Clarke. She looks over and Clarke- and it's obvious she saw the whole thing. Lexa can't decide if that makes her happy or not, so she ignores the look from Clarke and starts down the hall to her chemistry class as the bell rings.

 

Chemistry is a hard class. Lexa doesn't care about atoms or the periodic table. Instead she wants to find Anya and find out what this morning was all about. Niylah sits at the table in front of her. Every few minutes, Lexa looks up to find Niylah smirking before turning her attention back to her lab partner who's ranting about what went wrong- and Lexa just doesn't care. Her mind wanders for a few seconds, but then she remembers Anya kissing her, and her mind is all Anya. Who needs to take chemistry when they could have Anya? Anya. Usually it's Clarke who is on her mind like this. But right now, she could really care less about their fight last night. Friends fight. They'll get over it. No worries. At this point, Lexa just knows they'll end up getting over it. It's like they have a tether that makes sure they don't stray too far from each other.  The same with Anya. Nothing could make her completely forget about her.

 

Anya. Lexa knows Anya's in her strength and conditioning class right now, which means if Lexa texts her, there's no way Anya will respond. She should have signed up for it all year, like Anya did. She rather be in the gym with Anya than sitting here in the cold chemistry room, looking at the clock every five minutes.

 

"Lexa," it's her lab partner. Lexa hasn't bothered to memorize his name. It won't matter anyways, not since she'll only be taking this class for another two months. "I figured out number seven. It's that Major periodic trends include electronegativity, ionization energy, electron affinity, atomic radius, melting point, and metallic character. The-“

 

"I got it, thanks." Lexa didn't mean to sound rude. But the kid was smiling like he had just figured out the meaning of life or he had won the lottery. And she didn't care. Right now she wanted to be with Anya.

 

"Are you sure?" Lexa rolls her eyes at his question  when he glances down at her blank sheet of paper.

 

"Yeah, yeah," she waves him away with a sigh. "I'll just do it for homework tonight." He frowns, mostly because when he talks Lexa usually listens because chemistry is boring and easily the hardest class she has ever taken. But today she just doesn't care about what he has to say. 

 

“Are you sure? You know that our midterm it tomorrow, right?”  He asks, and Lexa freezes. She had completely forgotten. Lexa just shrugs again, nodding. 

 

“Yeah. I can live with one C on my transcript.”

 

The bell rings, and Lexa shoves her paper into her bag.

 

She runs into Anya in the hall, and nearly drops her bag. Anya smiles widely, shaking her head as Lexa fumbles nervously. "Lexa, please tell me you're not up for school today.”

 

"Pft. What type of question is that? Get me away from here." Lexa knows she's sounds too eager. And that she'll regret it later when she has to make up work for her last three classes. She could care less. Anya gives her a teasing smile, and Lexa lets herself fall against Anya.

 

"Pleeeeasseee." Lexa says dramatically as Anya mumbles something about dropping her.

 

They end up holding hands as they walk to Anya's car. And when Lexa throws her backpack into the back seat is when she notices the bottle of vodka on the floor. For a few seconds, her mind flits back to how Clarke came home Friday night smelling like alcohol and then it's gone because Anya's smiling at her, "Don't get any ideas, Lexa.”

 

Lexa laughs, brushing it off with a shrug of her shoulders. "No promises."  Anya laughs, and Lexa only smiles. 

 

She wonders what her life would be like if she never met Anya. She hates that she always does this, too. Think about things that put her in a bad mood when she should be happy. Instead she's thinking about everything that could have gone wrong when she shouldn't worry at all.

 

As Anya starts to drive, Lexa notices the way the sun catches on Anya's brown eyes. How they seem to melt into a green and become a color of their own. Or the way her mouth turns slightly up when her favorite song comes on the radio. It's not a full smile. Or one of Anya's playful smirks. It's a ghost of a smile and Lexa can't believe she never noticed it before. It's the first time Anya has caught her attention. Lexa has always know that Anya was pretty. Anya was one of the most beautiful girls she has ever met. But this is the first time Anya has actually caught her attention.

 

Lexa hates that she's never paid that much attention to Anya before. She sees Anya almost every day. It's not like Lexa has an excuse for not noticing before. She's never given Anya the credit she deserves. Lexa was too busy paying attention to Clarke. But now know that Anya can be the reason she looses her mind. She could easily loose her mind, and the way Anya kisses her would work each time.

 

"What? What's that look for?" Anya asks when she notices Lexa staring, and Lexa smiles to herself as she looks at her lap.

 

"Nothing," Lexa says, even though Anya can probably see her red cheeks. But it wouldn't matter, because right now, Lexa knows that Anya is hers. "It's nothing." And it is nothing. Lexa's just happy she's realized more about Anya. Maybe she was already supposed to know everything about Anya, and maybe it makes her a bad friend for not knowing, but she's happy. It means that's there's more things to find out about Anya.

 

Anya just rolls her eyes, not believing her and Lexa's smile grows bigger when she knows what Anya has in mind as she gets on the highway. The highway leads to nothing but the beach. It's been a while since Lexa's gone with Anya.

 

Lexa's never been here with Clarke. That makes it more important to her, knowing that it's something just for the two of them. It's not something that Lexa can somehow ruin because she's worried about Clarke. It's theirs.

 

Lexa falls asleep on the way there. Anya's already smothered in sunscreen, complaining about how she always burns easily. For once, Anya didn't try to wake her up, and Lexa's looking up at her. She's still wearing the tank top she was wearing at school and her bathing suit pokes out. She's now wearing a baseball cap on backwards with a pair of sunglasses, and Lexa snickers at the sight. "I didn't know I was friends with a frat boy.”

 

Anya rolls her eyes, throwing another suit at Lexa. "You know, most people would say 'thank you for being a good friend and driving me to the beach' but no. You're welcome anyways.”

 

"You're so dramatic.”

 

"Whatever," Anya huffs, throwing open the door. "C'mon get your suit on. I didn't drive you here for nothing.”

 

Anya leaves her alone for a few minutes and Lexa nearly stumbles out of the car when she's done. It's then that Lexa realizes that they're the only ones there today. She finds Anya  laying on her towel lounging in the sun, basking in its warmth. Lexa lays down next to her, although she knew it wouldn't last, seeing that the tide was already coming in and some dark clouds overhead. 

 

Lexa stares at the bottle of vodka she grabbed from the backseat of Anya's car. was setting and her wine bottle was almost empty. Lexa glances over and Anya and her soft brown eyes looked out to the water without their usual mirth. Lexa wasn't happy today. Anya wasn't happy today. 

 

Yesterday Lexa had the worst fight of her relationship with Clarke. Lexa knows she should be trying to fix it, go back and apologize for overreacting. She knows that Clarke feels guilty, but she's sitting here with Anya, who's clearly not happy. So it leads to the only thing Lexa knows she can do. Let Anya talk about what's bothering her and maybe let her have a few sips of vodka at one of Anya's favorite place in the whole world, the sea. Lexa knows she rather be at a soccer field, but school sucks. 

 

"Wanna talk about it?" Lexa asks, tipping the bottle towards Anya. Anya doesn't meet her eyes, but she takes the bottle and Lexa sighs. She should check in more with Anya. She's gotten so used to seeing Anya everyday and Anya being vocal about most of her thoughts that she forgets too actually check in. They're always doing something like playing soccer or watching a movie- now it's never them making sure the other is okay. Sometimes they need that extra push.

 

Anya blinks. Then she just shrugs, taking a shaky breath. "Lexa..." She mumbles, taking a sip of the bottle Lexa had handed her. "Do you ever just wonder, 'why the hell am I here?' Because I do all the damn time." Her hair lightly blew in the cold wind. She was shivering and, honestly, she looked like hell but it was clear she didn't care or she was too upset to even care. "But, y'know, you make everything better. Thats your job.”

 

Lexa plays nervously with the sand. Sure, she's seen Anya upset before- but this time is different.  It's clear that Anya hasn't gotten sleep in a while, that she's been off for a while and Lexa was too busy being worried about Clarke to realize it. Until now. "Anya, there's nothing wrong with you if thats what you think, okay? You're beautiful and funny, and you're so selfless it's crazy... I- I wouldn't be anywhere if it weren't for you." 

 

Anya shrugs again, shaking her head slightly as she takes another sip. Lexa wants to take it away from her, make Anya talk, but instead she starts to wallow in her own self pity, too. 

 

They sit there in silence, passing the bottle between them. The first sip burns Lexa's throat. The second one doesn't bother her much. It's after her third sip she remembers that one of them has to drive back home, so she tells Anya that she can finish it if she wants. It's only her first year of high school and so much stuff has happened, Lexa's not sure if she's even going to survive the next three years. And her Senior year will be her first year without being able to see Anya. 

 

They were sitting in quiet for at least a hour when Anya pipes up, "Did you know that people can un-adopt you? It's a really shitty thing, actually; probably worse than never being adopted." 

 

Lexa waits for Anya to say anything else, but Anya’s done talking. She’s waiting for Lexa to say something, and Lexa has no idea what she’s supposed to say, “What makes you think they want to get rid of you?” Lexa was at her house less than twenty four hours ago. Everything was fine. At least as far as she knew. Nyko was there, being annoying as always. Anya’s father came home at 6, and her mother already had dinner on the table. Nothing was out of the ordinary. 

 

“Well, when you see reversed adoption papers in the mail, you know that means something.” Anya replies sourly, and Lexa sighs, running her fingers through her hair, wishing she could give Anya the benefit of doubt, but she doesn’t know what to do. 

 

“How do you know its you? I mean, maybe it-”

 

“Because them getting rid of Nyko is so much better, Lexa. They don’t want us anymore. End of story.” Anya grumbles, leaning back to take another sip, but Lexa rips the bottles from her hands. 

 

“No. You’re not drinking because you feel bad about yourself. You just do worse things when you’re drunk.” Lexa snaps. Even if Anya’s right, she wasn’t going to let Anya drink herself to unconscious and regret it, only making herself feel worse. She certainly wasn’t going to sit by and watch. 

 

“Not everyone’s as stupid as Clarke, you know.” 

 

Lexa swallows roughly. She should just ignore Anya’s comment, but as guilty as it makes Lexa feels, she agrees with Anya. Clarke shouldn’t have done what she did, and yeah, Lexa’s upset over what Clarke did, but she would never call Clarke stupid. Being drunk was a mistake. 

 

“Yeah, well, you’re drinking because you feel sorry for yourself. Thats what Clarke did.” Lexa has no idea how Anya will respond to being compared to Clarke. She knows there’s always been a bit of a feud between them, even if they’ve never said anything about it. Anya shakes her head in disbelief, and Lexa regrets saying anything. She needs to stop letting her mouth get the better of her- starting fights with Clarke, and possibly another one with Anya. Lexa doesn’t need to be having a rift with Anya, too. She just can’t let it happen, not when she’s letting what she’s feeling get the best of her. She’s too confused to be saying anything. Anya hasn’t left her mind for hours, and she’s acting like Anya doesn’t mean much to her. 

 

“I guess you’re right,” Anya says with a sigh. “Maybe I  was reading into it too much.” 

 

Lexa’s happy that there’s suddenly a turn in there conversation, but she’s still slightly unhappy from what she said. Anya’s nothing like Clarke, and Lexa knows that Anya absolutely hates being compared to her. They’ve only been here for a few hours. A few more hours until Lexa has to go home and see Clarke again, but right now she’s going to drive Anya home. Maybe offer her some comfort, if Anya wants it. Maybe she stepped to far today and Anya doesn’t want to talk to her. Then she’ll have to go home early and explain to Abby and Jake on one of their rare days off why she wasn’t at school today. And she really doesn’t want to do that. She wants to be able stay with Anya. 

 

Lexa helps Anya to her feet, and sighs. She has too keep reminding herself that whatever happens is what happens. That she can’t control the things that happens to her. Unless it’s what happens between her and Anya. She’s just been so god damn _stupid._ It’s Anya. It shouldn’t be so hard for her to voice what she’s been feeling. Nothing would change between them, anyways. They wouldn’t let it happen. 

 

Anya gives her a sloppy smile, and it’s as if the past few minutes hasn’t happened at all. “You probably don’t know this, but you’re a good kisser. Just throwing that out there.” 

 

“An, you-”

 

“Lex, I promise you I'm not drunk. I’m just stating something you should know. Relax.” 

 

Lexa doesn’t know what to say to that, so she decides to treat it just like any other comment she gets from Anya. She just smiles and shrugs before taking the car keys from her and starts making her way. Probably not the best way to deal with it, but she’s too unsure to do anything else at this point. 

 

* * *

 

The drive back to Anya’s house is full of uncomfortable silence. The radio doesn’t work, so Lexa doesn’t even have the option to turn on music. She rolls down the windows instead, listening to the wind whistle in her ears. She wonders if Anya’s right. If her parents are really thinking about reversing her adoption. If they are, it doesn’t make sense. Anya’s turning eighteen in two years. It’s not like it’ll make much of a difference. Lexa has no idea what it’s like to be constantly safe in a sense of belonging somewhere and having it ripped away after a few years. She’s still afraid that someday that the Griffin’s are going to decide that they don’t want her. Even though she knows that they wouldn’t do that, she’s afraid that someone else would change that for her. 

 

When they get to Anya’s house, every single light is flipped off. For once, she feels out of place at her house as she scrambles for the envelope that Anya saw as she sleeps a few feet away on the couch. 

 

She’s crossing a line that she can’t uncross, but she’s itching to find out if Anya’s right. It’ll break Anya even more than it already has if she is. Lexa’s about to give up, that maybe Anya’s parents already got rid of it, but then she sees the all too familiar red font of ‘California Department of Social Services’ 

 

Lexa nearly spills a glass of water all over their mail, and she curses herself for being so clumsy. Anya stirs a bit, but doesn’t wake up, saving Lexa from a heart attack. She opens the envelope as cleanly as possible, knowing that they’ll open it up again. Even if they don’t, Lexa is ninety five percent sure that she could go to jail for opening someone else’s mail. 

 

The letter on the inside slips to the floor and Lexa curses loudly again, this time waking Anya. Lexa mentally slaps herself for being so loud, and Anya for being such a light weight. “Lex? What the hell you doing?” Anya asks quietly, and Lexa just shrugs. 

 

“Nothing. I,uh, I was just looking around. Y’know. Making sure your parents are keeping up with the taxes. Important stuff, huh?” 

 

Lexa barely hears the sigh that escapes Anya’s lips. Lexa can’t tell if it’s because she’s upset or if she’s trying not to loose her temper. It’s neither of those as Anya sits up, asking, “Did you find them?” 

 

Lexa would have attempted of hiding the envelope in her hand but Anya already knows. Almost as if Anya was waiting for Lexa’s curiosity getting the best of her. “Hey, if you’re gonna open it, I wanna read it.” Anya tells her. Lexa wishes that she had enough time to read it before Anya woke up, because then maybe that way she’d be able to lighten the blow. She hesitates to sit next to her on the couch, and Anya takes the paper from her, reading it intensely 

 

“An, its not gonna help…” 

 

“Who the fuck is Lincoln?” Anya shouts, flying to her feet. “This is crazy! I don’t know if I should be happy… or feeling bad for the poor kid.”

 

Lexa smiles, taking the paper back from Anya. She puts it back on the desk, knowing that she’ll have to leave it exactly where she found it, but at this point, she doesn’t care. Anya seems to be happy again. That’s all that really matters. They’ll find out who this Lincoln kid is later.

 

“If you ask me, I think it’s celebration worthy.” 

 

Anya laughs, throwing her arms around Lexa’s neck. At first, Lexa’s a bit surprised. She thought that Anya was still pissed off at her, but she ends up hugging Anya back, burying her face in Anya’s neck.

 

Lexa doesn't end up talking to Jake and Abby after school, like they said they would. Instead she's behind the closed door of Anya's bedroom, Anya's legs thrown over her waist as Lexa's hands fist the fabric of Anya's shirt. Her eyes are shut- and Anya's kissing behind her ear. She can barely think- barely breathe- but there's still one thing on her mind. It's been on her mind all day.

 

_How the hell did she end up like this?_

 

Anya's lips are soft and warm, but that doesn't stop Lexa from forgetting about everything that happened yesterday. And today. She had skipped her last two classes; not wanting to deal with the smirk Niylah had given her in the hall or the concerned glances from Clarke during lunch. They had refused to talk to each other today, but that has never stopped the bond that pulls them together.

 

And here she is, her lips swollen from kissing Anya, her shirt bunched up and she's not sure if Anya is doing this because she's bored, or if she actually wants it to mean something. Either way, Lexa doesn't want it to ruin their friendship. Anya means too much to let go because of some heated kisses and wandering touches.

 

Suddenly Anya pulls away. Before she can stop it, a small whine passes her lips. Lexa doesn't want Anya to stop. She's thankful for the distraction. She wants to keep kissing Anya, no matter what it means. If it means that it’s only something more for her, and not Anya, so be it. 

 

"You're not happy.”

 

"Wh- No! Hey, I'm happy. I- I’m happy. In fact, I’m really happy. You’re still here, I'm happy about that. A-”

 

“Now, you’re just ranting, Lex.” Anya mumbles, giving her a small frown with a concerned look.

 

Lexa taps her fingers on Anya’s hip nervously. She shouldn’t say anything. Anya’s happy, and there’s going to be nothing more between them. End of story, but Lexa’s not sure if she’s going to be happy with that. Too many times she has let someone or something important to her slip through her fingers. “You haven’t told me what this means. Just because you’re bored, or, like is i-”

 

Anya takes Lexa’s face in her hands, making sure that Lexa doesn’t look away. Lexa’s heart is pounding, wondering why she even started this conversation. Right now, it should be about how Anya feels- the last few days have been too hard on her, and Lexa’s still worried about what it means for her. Like an idiot. 

 

“Do you really think I’d do that to you, Lex?” 

 

“N-no, I ju-” Lexa stops mid sentence, and sighs. 

 

“You don’t have to explain yourself, Lex. I get it. We’ve never talked about it before.” Anya says, and Lexa’s thankful that Anya’s understanding. The last thing Lexa needs is ruining whatever this could be with Anya. Anya seems to be determined to make sure that doesn’t happen. “Lex, whatever this is, I’m fine with it. It’ll be whatever you want it to be, okay?” 

 

* * *

 

Her birthday is on the first day of fall break. So she's not surprised when she wakes up and Anya's the one next to her instead of Clarke. She looks over at her alarm clock. It's 8:45. She doesn't want to get up, or see Clarke, if she was being honest with herself. Anya doesn't say anything when Lexa rests her head on her shoulder, on of her hands sliding underneath Anya's shirt and rests on her stomach.

 

"You're always warm." Lexa mumbles, and Anya chuckles softly. Lexa has always thought she was going to wake up next to Clarke, or that she was going to end up alone because of her attachment to Clarke, but Lexa was happy enough falling asleep next to Anya and waking up next to her. Nothing has changed between her and Anya. Besides the obvious. They have always been comfortable with one another. Lexa just never thought it would lead to this- but she's fine with it.  As long as the both of them were happy, she's completely fine with it. They don’t say anything, and Lexa can’t help the smile that spreads on her face as she lets her fingers brush against Anya’s skin. Not in the way when they’ll end up with their clothes thrown everywhere, but in the way when both of them don’t want to get up and they try to make an excuse. 

 

“Happy birthday, Lex.” Anya mumbles, kissing her cheek before letting her head fall against her pillow. Lexa closes her eyes again, knowing that she’ll fall back asleep easily, especially since Anya’s here. Clarke hasn’t passed her mind for the past two days, other than the times they awkwardly sat next to each other during lunch and when Jake and Abby were watching; they had to act like they made up already. 

 

Which, obviously hasn’t been the easiest thing to do since Lexa started to date Anya. It doesn’t matter. Clarke’s going to have to deal with it. Even if Lexa never even dated Anya. It shouldn’t be such a big deal. 

 

Lexa feels like she’s only managed to get another five minutes of sleep when there’s a knock at her door, and her and Anya sit up. Lexa waits for the sound of retreating footsteps, a sign that it’s just Clarke waking them up at the request of Jake and Abby, but it doesn’t happen. “Yeah?” Lexa calls, and Jake pokes his head in. 

 

“How’s my birthday girl?” He asks, smiling widely. Lexa can’t remember the last time she had even seen Jake upset about something. He’s always smiling for some reason. It makes Lexa wonder what he has managed to pull of for her this year. She hopes it’s nothing too dramatic. She rather stay at home all day and spend time with them for her birthday than go out and do something. Honestly, she wouldn’t have mind spending it with just Anya. 

 

“Do you girls want pancakes for breakfast?” 

 

It takes Anya less than five minutes to be downstairs with Jake as Lexa stands next to Clarke awkwardly as she watches Jake and Anya interact. Jake’s just one of those people who make everyone feel at home- Lexa wonders how he does it. 

 

Clarke fidgets nervously, and Lexa waits for her to ask her anything- she’s been waiting for it to happen. Lexa hasn’t has the courage to ask her about Niylah, and Clarke hasn’t been able to ask her about Anya. It’s strange for them, anyways. Both of them know that it’s a stupid thing to fight over, but are both stubborn to admit it. 

 

It ends up being Clarke who talks first, “You seem happy with her.” It’s forced. Lexa even watches as Clarke inhales sharply, trying to keep her cool. 

 

“I’ve always been happy with Anya.” Lexa answers, hoping that it’s a safe enough answer to give Clarke. It’s obvious that they never thought of what would happen when they started dating. It’s like Clarke had the same mind that Lexa had. That things wouldn’t change, and it was a stupid, native thing to believe. Lexa didn’t think Clarke end up going to parties every weekend, either. 

 

“Well, either way, I’m happy for you.” Clarke says, and Lexa watches as Clarke wipes her hands on her jeans. She patiently waits for Clarke to say something else, to say that she doesn’t like Anya, but it never happens. Instead, Clarke says, “Happy birthday, Lex.” and then Clarke just gives her a small smile before she disappears into her room, maybe to call one of her friends. 

 

Clarke not saying anything hits Lexa like a slap in the face. She had hope that maybe after a while, her and Clarke would be able to trust each other again, but Clarke not saying anything hurts more than the ugly truth would have. Lexa brushes it off as Jake smiles at her again, telling her to hurry up. 

 

The next few hours are easy. Clarke eventually comes out of her room, and Abby comes home from work early. Lexa hadn’t expected to get anything for her birthday. She really hadn’t. It’s not like there was anything she needed, or something that she really wanted. So when Anya tells her to sit on the couch and Clarke whips out the camera that they haven’t used since they met, Lexa doesn’t know what to expect. 

 

Even Abby’s smiling, handing Lexa a package. She looks over at Clarke, who just nods happily, encouraging her to open it. Lexa honestly doesn’t know what to expect, and she opens it carefully. The first thing she notices is the familiar red font. It’s her second time seeing it this week, and she doesn’t bother to try to make the connection. It’s not like the system has actively done things to help her. 

 

She opens the envelope, not bothering to make sure she doesn’t rip the paper on the inside. Clarke whispers something, about being careful with it, but Lexa’s already looking at it. Lexa doesn't have to read it to know what it means, not when she notices Jake and Abby’s signatures at the bottom of the paper. 

 

Lexa doesn't know what to do, if she should say thank you or if it’s okay that she just sits here in shock- and she feels tears well up in her eyes. She tries to blink them away, but when she hear Clarke say, “All you have to do is sign it, too.” She looses it. 

 

Getting adopted had always been one of the most important things to her. When she finally looks up at Clarke, she sees the relief in her eyes, as if Clarke thought Lexa wouldn’t want it. Lexa knows that she should thank Clarke for making this happen. Lexa has never talked to Jake and Abby about it. Anya a few times, but only Clarke really knew how much it would mean to her. 

 

“Thank you, Clarke.” Lexa mumbles before pulling her into a hug. She would have regretted it, but Clarke hugs her back. Out of instinct, Lexa buries her face in Clarke’s neck. She catches herself before she presses a kiss there too. It’s been such a long time since Lexa had actually hugged Clarke, and for a few seconds, Lexa feels completely consent with how things had turned out right now, until Clarke pulls away. 

 

“You don’t have to sign it right now, Lexa,” Jake tells her, his smile fading a little. “We still want it to be what you want. You can think about it for a few days, if you want. Whatever makes you happy, okay?” 

 

Lexa can’t form any words, so she just nods. Getting adopted. She would be lying if she said that it wasn’t what she wanted. But now that it seems to be coming true, it’s staring her in the face, and there’s only two ways it could end. It either fixes things between her and Clarke, or they drift farther apart. Lexa knows it’s most likely to be the second one. Getting adopted will just be part of collateral damage on her and Clarke’s relationship. Lexa glances over at Anya. Out of habit, she had gone to Clarke again. Maybe Anya was right. No matter how much Lexa cares about her, Clarke will always be her first choice. Even if Lexa hates it. 

 

Anya doesn’t seem upset, and Lexa’s thankful. She wants Anya to stay, but she knows it won’t happen. Lexa’ll think about her adoption and Anya’ll leave her with the excuse of it being an important choice. And Lexa knows that. But now that it’s right in front of her; she has no idea what she really wants. 

 

Lexa hugs Anya, too. She’s relieved when Anya hugs her back, and presses a kiss to her cheek. “Congrats, Lex.” Anya doesn’t bother to hide her happiness, Lexa can tell that much. Under Anya’s mask of happiness, Lexa can only suspect that there’s a doubt in their relationship already. Lexa wants to explain that she’s trying to get out of the habit of sharing things with Clarke. That she can’t just shove everything that became a habit with Clarke to the curb. Anya already knows this, though. Lexa knows that much, the way Anya’s been patient with her, reminding her that nothing would happen to them, that the system can’t touch them. 

 

That’s one of Lexa’s biggest fears. That somehow the system will find out about how comfortable she’s with Clarke, that they’ll say it’s not acceptable. If Lexa decides to sign the papers, then she won’t have to worry about that anymore. Lexa’s never been afraid of loosing Anya. 

 

 

Lexa lays back on the hammock, feeling herself swing for a while before coming to a stop. In the distance there was traffic, but far away enough not to bother her. She thought of her adoption papers, sitting on the counter in the kitchen. Just last week that thought would have sent her into a near panic attack, and relief that she wouldn’t have to worry about loosing the Griffins. But now, she’s not sure if it’s the best option. She just turned sixteen. In two years, when she turns eighteen, the papers won’t matter. She closes her eyes and drew in a lung full of the woodland air. She let the sound of birds fill her ears instead of the ticking of clocks. Here ten minutes was a long time and so the day stretched out like a small eternity. She couldn't stop the bad things that could happen with her adoption, but she could control the good things. She’d be happier, less concerned about the things that she knows happen in the system too well. 

 

But then there was Clarke. If she got adopted, she just knows that it’ll bring them farther apart. Lexa can’t explain it. She just knows that’s what will happen between them. And Lexa’s not sure if she wants them to end that way. Clarke is way too important for her to loose. Lexa has no idea what she would do if things between them got worse. 

 

She hears the sliding glass door open. It can't be Anya, she had to go home. It’s not Jake and Abby- they insisted that they didn’t want to influence her choice to sign the papers, too. 

 

Which leaves her Clarke.

 

Clarke. With her bright blue eyes and gentle touches. Clarke who Lexa got mad at because of some stupid mistake Clarke made. Lexa should have forgave her when Clarke came clean. Lexa’s the one of the stupidest people she knows. She’s terrified of loosing Clarke, and she keeps ending up in situations where she’s so close to loosing Clarke, Lexa’s surprised she’s made it this far. 

 

Lexa forces herself to open her eyes, looking up at Clarke. Clarke’s wearing her old soccer jersey, and the sight still makes Lexa smiles. Clarke has always looked better in her clothes than Lexa did. “Hi,” Lexa breathes out, not sure of what to say, and Clarke smiles. 

 

“Hi.” Clarke whispers back. Lexa throws her other leg over the edge of the hammock, gesturing for Clarke to sit next to her.

 

“Come on,” Lexa says, holding back the apology thats on the tip of her tongue. She hates how angry she got at Clarke. It’s something that was out of both of their control, and Lexa went to blame it on Clarke. Clarke hesitates, and Lexa frowns, “Clarke, I’m so sorry. I- I… it was a bitch move for me to get mad at you like that. I was out of line, and y-”

 

“Today’s your day, Lex. We don’t have to talk about that.” 

 

“But, I-”

 

“Why don’t you tell me about Anya?” Clarke’s not upset. She’s actually trying to make a conversation, and as much as Lexa appreciates the attempt, she doesn’t want to talk about that. She wishes that she could make it up to Clarke for automatically going the worst way to handle their situation. 

 

“She’s good. I’m happy with her, and I want it to last, y’know, but it probably won’t because I'm a shitty person,” Lexa says quickly, and she can see the surprise on Clarke’s face. “And I want to apologize to you, but you won’t let me.” 

 

“Lexa, you don’t have to, I-”

 

“Yes, I do.” Lexa argues. Clarke doesn’t know how important it is for Lexa to apologize to her. It’s not enough for her when Clarke decides to just brush it off. 

 

“I already forgave you, Lex. I already know how sorry you are. It could have been a lot worse.” 

 

“But-” Lexa decides not to push it, sighing. Clarke wants her to drop it, so she can let it go. Or at the least try. 

 

“The only reason I didn’t tell you is because I didn’t want you to think I was a slut or something, Lexa.” 

 

Lexa stares at Clarke at that. She could never think that. They fight. Clarke and Lexa can admit to that. But Lexa would never put Clarke down like that. She might have been upset over it, but the thought has never crossed her mind. 

 

“I would never think of you like that,” Lexa whispers, grabbing Clarke’s hand, rubbing the inside of her wrist where’s there’s some dried up paint. “You’re not a slut, okay? You’re Clarke freaking Griffin and you deserve everything you want. You’re too good for this world. Hell, what did I do to deserve you?” 

 

“I don’t know, what did you do?” Clarke teases, and Lexa laughs. She knows that Clarke was only teasing, but she wonders what turn their conversation would have taken if Clarke actually agreed with her. 

 

They don’t talk about anything else. Everything is fine; for now. Lexa knows that Clarke’s afraid of the same thing: that Lexa getting adopted means that absolutely _nothing_ can happen between them.


	6. THE QUIET

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! So, this chapter is a bit longer than the others. I hope you guys don't mind. Also, thanks for sticking with my shitty story so far, it means a lot! Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy this one. ;)

_“I'd rather be black and blue, than accept that you withdrew.”_

* * *

 

Lexa and Clarke stand shoulder to shoulder, staring at the last blank line that awaits Lexa’s sloppy signature. They have been spending the last day of their fall break looking at it. Jake and Abby had left for work already. Neither of them could sleep, not even curled up in Clarke’s room on the floor with their hoodies pulled over their heads and a blanket thrown over their legs. Spending the last night of being able to stay up all night with Clarke, Lexa had to constantly remind herself that, no, she could’t reach for Clarke’s hand or look at Clarke for too long. All things that Lexa knows she’s going to miss if she writes her name down on that stupid line. It used to be her dream. Now, it scares her. There’s only two ways this goes; she doesn’t sign it, and if anything changes in the future, she’ll be happy with Clarke. But she’ll most likely leave Jake and Abby heart broken. Or she’ll sign her name, and she’ll no longer be afraid of the power the system has had over her for the longest time. Jake and Abby will be happy. If she signs it, Clarke will distance herself. Clarke has always been better at doing that than Lexa. Even then, they’ll always have a bond that pulls them back together. 

 

Clarke’s watching her carefully with wide blue eyes, and that’s almost enough for Lexa to say, _you know what? Fuck it. You’re worth more than my adoption. Let’s run away together._ In that exact moment, Lexa feels that she could do it. Drop everything and leave with Clarke. They’re reckless and dumb enough to do it. Lexa doesn’t say it, though. She’s positive that if she says that, Clarke would end up forging her signature because, just like everyone else, she does’t want to affect Lexa’s choice. Lexa hasn’t told Clarke that she’s one of the biggest factor of her choice. Lexa also hasn’t told Clarke that aside from Jake and Abby, Anya’s the second biggest factor of her choice. 

 

Anya and Clarke are so similar in ways, it scares her. If she was being completely honest. She’s lucky that meanwhile, they dislike each other, they still respect each other enough to keep their cool when the other one’s around. If Anya were the little voice in Lexa’s head, she’d probably be cursing at her and telling her to pick up the pen already. Lexa hears Anya’s voice ringing in her ears. 

 

 _“Even if the Griffin's never adopt you, they love you. They're your family. The people who left you aren't your family. Papers or blood don't make a family, Lex.”_ Anya told her that years ago. It was barely even four years ago, but if feels so much longer than that. Sometimes, Lexa feels like she’s been with the Griffins for only a few months. That she’s still the lucky, little kid Jake so happened to save. Anya is like a fortune cookie. She’s always giving advice, expect her advice is actually _useful._ Anya was the one who helped her come to terms with a lot of things. That the Griffins may not have wanted to adopt her. Sure, Anya was wrong in the end, but the years leading up to today, Anya helped her accept that. _Shit_. Lexa should probably call Anya, tell her that she’s making her final decision today, but Clarke is here, too. Right now, Clarke is the only person she wants with her. 

 

Lexa wants to know what Clarke is think in this exact moment. If Lexa signs the papers, she’ll be Clarke’s sister. And Lexa has never seen Clarke as her sister. It’s obvious that Clarke feels the same way. They’re stand way to close to be sisters; just friends, but they are standing too far away to be lovers. If she wanted to, her skin could brush against Clarke's, and they’ll probably smile at each other like they always do. 

 

Neither of them have said anything since they’ve woken up at an ungodly hour, and are down her ego stare at the papers. Almost like they both believe if they stare long enough, the decision will be made. Lexa wants a distraction, _anything_ that’ll take her mind off of it, or something to happen that makes her not want to sign it. Lexa wish it was as simple as it was for her in seventh grade. If ti was back then, Lexa would have already signed it and happily calling herself an official Griffin. 

 

She’s not sure if she wants to be an official Griffin. Or if she’s just not ready. The Griffin’s feel like home. They _are_ home. They’re family. Lexa doesn’t know what to do, because Anya was right. Papers and blood don’t make a family. Love does. It’s the relationship she has with them. Lexa doesn’t need papers to say that she has a family. She already knows that she does. Especially with Clarke right next to her. She can do almost anything, as long as Clarke is with her. 

 

“Do you want me to leave so you can think about it?” Clarke asks her, and Lexa shakes her head. 

 

“I’m just weighing my options,” Lexa tells her, convinced that she’s finally going to settle down on a decision, but she’s dying for Clarke’s opinion. “What do you think?” Lexa asks her, and she sees a ghost of a smile on Clarke’s lips, her blue eyes locking with hers. 

 

“You really wanna know what I think, Lexa? I think that this has been a dream of yours for as  long as you can remember, and now that it’s finally happening, you’re not sure of what to do. But you know what? I wouldn’t want to disappoint myself like that. I would’ve signed those papers the day I got them.” Lexa has never seen Clarke so serious. Lexa looks at her, not sure of what to think of Clarke’s words.  Her eyes are so _blue_. Lexa has always been captivated by them, and now, she’s not sure if she should be signing the papers, because, only fools are stupid enough to let Clarke go. Only fools fall for her, too. Lexa’s sure if she had the chance, she would give everything she had to Clarke. But now, it’s Clarke who’s offering her these things, and Lexa just doesn’t want to take it. If she signs these papers, its basically signing Clarke out of her life. 

 

“Well, I’m not sure, it’s just tha-“

 

“Lexa, if you finish that sentence I will sign the papers for you.” Clarke says, and Lexa grabs the pen from Clarke’s hand. Their skin brushes, and it’s not the first time, and it certainly won’t be the last, but Lexa still freezes for a few seconds, trying to read Clarke and hope that her heart isn't beating too fast. 

 

“Fine, fine,” Lexa huffs. She clicks the pen a few times nervously, and she can feel Clarke burning holes into her back. Lexa understands that Clarke is trying to make her do what’s the best for her. But Lexa can’t help but wonder if what is the best for her is also the best for the both of them; Not signing the papers. Walking away from one of the most important things in her life. Maybe if Anya was the one here with her, Lexa would have already signed them. Knowing them, they probably would have already been at the park playing soccer or at Nyko’s hockey game this weekend. “Really think I should do it?” 

 

“Lexa…” 

 

“No. We haven't talked about us, either. If I sign this we’ll be sisters. We won’t be able to do what we always do. And I’m not sure if I ever want to let that go. Even if it means I don’t have a family.” 

 

Lexa wonders if Clarke had actually forgotten their conversation before the school year had started. Maybe it was stupid of them to even have that conversation, anyways. They both knew that it was ridiculous to believe that they even had a chance. 

 

* * *

_Lexa laughed quietly as Clarke sat across the small table in their living room, her eyebrows furrowed. Jake and Abby had gone to work, as usual. But today was an unusual rainy day in California, so Clarke and Lexa had resided to board games and books. Clarke obviously groaned when Lexa pulled out the worn out chess board, but decided to play. Now they sit, and Clarke’s frowning, trying to come up with a move. It doesn't matter, anyways. Clarke has managed to loose all of her pieces besides the queen. Lexa had expected Clarke to give up at this point, considering that Clarke has already tried moving it like a hundred times, but ends up putting it in it’s original place._

 

_“What?” Clarke grumbles, shaking her head. “Do you find my misery in this game funny?” She asks dramatically as she puts her queen in front of Lexa’s king, shaking her head._

 

_“Well, after trying to teach you how to play for three years, I figured you would have learned the basics, Clarke.”_

 

_Clarke groans, leaning back in her chair. “Can we take a break? My head hurts already.” Lexa watches as she disappears into the kitchen, coming back with two cokes, handing one to Lexa. Clarke turns on the tv, and Lexa laughs. Clarke shrugs this time, flipping through the channels until Grey’s Anatomy comes on. Clarke rolls her eyes, “This show is so inaccurate sometimes, I hate it.”_

 

_“Well, it is made for entertainment, not future surgeons.”_

 

_Clarke looks over at her, and she’s not smiling from Lexa’s sarcastic comment, but she’s not upset. Instead she grabs Lexa’s hand, twisting it gently to see the inside of Lexa’s wrist. Lexa doesn’t bother to tell her that there’s nothing there; not when she’s gotten so used to checking in like this occasionally._

 

_“I hate it when I’m home alone with you like this.” Clarke whispers._

 

_“W-what? Why?” Lexa tried her best to not be offended by Clarke’s words, and she knows there’s probably more to them, but she doesn’t know how to react to it. They always seems to have conversations about this, but neither of them have enough courage to say exactly what they feel._

 

_“Because I can’t do the things I want to do with you.” Clarke mumbles, looking away._

 

_Okay, one of them had the courage this time._

 

_Lexa hears her own breath catch, and she finds herself yearning for more of Clarke’s touch when she pulls her hand away. Lexa wishes that she could say something, anything, but she can’t find the words, and Clarke runs her fingers through her hair, laughing nervously._

 

_“We should just forget that I said that. Because we’re foster sisters. We’re not allowed to do that. I couldn’t ask you to give up being here, especially since you’re happy here. I mean, it’s ju-“_

 

_Lexa has never seen Clarke so nervous before, and she finds it endearing. For once, it wasn’t Lexa who was nervous about what she was saying. Lexa couldn’t help herself as she leaned over and kissed Clarke’s cheek, and out if instinct, Clarke pulls her closer before whispering against her neck, “Not many sisters do this, huh?”_

 

_“Well, we’re best friends, too.”_

 

_That gets a chuckle from Clarke, who smiles, “Yeah, I don’t think best friends do what we do.”_

 

_Lexa raises her eyebrow, “You still haven’t told me what you want to do with me.”_

 

_“Huh? I don’t think I should say that.” Clarke says, and Lexa sighs, not wanting to press. She knows that for them, there’s a lot of lines that they shouldn’t even cross, even if it’s a simple conversation. “I want to hold your hand, and I hate falling asleep when you’re gone. It’s so much easier for me when I know you’re right there. And sometimes, I just think about how easy it’d be for me to lean over and kiss you when you have that stupid nerdy smile of yours. And I want to steal your clothes, wear your soccer jersey. I mean, I guess sisters share clothes, but it’s different. I j-“_

 

_“We’ll never be sisters. I don’t think we were meant for that.” Lexa cuts her off. If she had let Clarke talk any longer, Lexa’s sure they would have crossed a line that would have ruined everything that’s happened in her life the past six years._

 

_“But if you get adopted, legally, we’ll be labeled as sisters, and then, that’d be even more fucked up.”_

 

_“Then we’ll wait for whatever we want when I turn eighteen.”_

 

_“You’d still be giving up a family. And that’s a long time, Lexa. We haven’t even started high school.”_

 

_“I don’t care, because, sometimes when I’m with you, I don't need a family.”_

* * *

 

Lexa sighs, clicking the pen one last time. Things change. All of those things they said aren’t important to each other anymore, right? Clarke wouldn’t be lying to her, just so she would decide to get adopted, right? Clarke shouldn’t lie to her. Not right now. Right now she wants Clarke to give her a reason to not sign it, for things to stay the same for them. Looking back on that day only gives Lexa more doubt than sold ground. Maybe she had wanted it so desperately before because she was afraid she wouldn’t want it when she got older. Like now. Now she wonders why she wanted it so much, because even then, she knew it was going to complicate things. It was going to make her gain and loose things. All choices are like this, but this is the first time it means so much to her. 

 

“Lexa, you’ll finally be completely safe if you sign it,” Clarke whispers. “I wish I could give you that protection, but I just can’t.” 

 

Lexa looks at the blank line that eagerly awaits her name, again. Then she looks up at Clarke again. She wants to argue, but she knows what Clarke will say. That Lexa deserves to have this, and right now, Lexa feels that she doesn’t deserve anything the Griffins have done for her. Much less being adopted. She wishes there was a way for her to pay them back. Lexa sighs, and quickly scribbles her name on the line, not giving herself enough time to regret it. The tips of Clarke’s mouth turn in a smile, and Lexa doesn’t feel as relieved as she thought it would, even though sometime this week, she’ll be getting her new birth certificate with her, Jake and Abby’s names on it. Which will mean Clarke is going to be her sister. 

 

Before they were even legally sisters, they locked eyes too long to be just friends. 

 

“Good job, Lex,” Clarke eventually says, and Lexa only nods in response. She’s afraid that her voice will give it away that she’s still not entirely sure that she wants this. She wants to be with Clarke, but she also wants to call Anya and let her know that she signed them. Lexa finds herself leaning more into Clarke’s touch when she squeezes her shoulder. “It’s good for you.” 

 

Lexa starts to repeat Clarke’s words in her head, hoping that if she says it long enough, she’ll start to believe it. 

 

She doesn’t believe it when they decide to go back to their normal activities when they’re bored. They decided that the living room is safe enough for both of them to hang out in without anything happening. Clarke sits in the corner, groaning in annoyance as she crumbles up another piece of paper, tossing it to the side. Paper litters the floor around her feet, and Lexa watches this as it happens over the edge of her book. She rather be watching a documentary on squids, but their wifi is down. Besides, watching Clarke is much more interesting than reading or any documentary Lexa would end up watching. 

 

“Struggling there?” Lexa finally asks, letting a teasing tone slip into her voice, and Clarke looks up from her paper. Clarke shrugs, clearly still upset with how her drawing has turned out, and Lexa can’t help but laugh. “What are you even trying to draw?” Lexa realizes a few moments later that she shouldn’t have asked, because she knows how important art is for Clarke. 

 

Clarke blushes as she answers, ducking her head to hide behind her notepad again, “Nothing much. Just doodling.” 

 

Lexa lets it go, burying herself back into her book. Every few seconds, she sees Clarke glance at her before sketching again, or whatever she’s doing, and Lexa has to ignore it. She doesn’t tease Clarke, but she does fall asleep reading with as knowing smile on her lips. 

 

Clarke notices that Lexa has fallen asleep after looking up ( _again_ ) and smiles to herself. Lexa has always been a lightweight. Clarke had gotten so wrapped up in wanting to draw every single detail of Lexa, she had barely noticed that she feel asleep. Clarke wonder how long Lexa has been sleeping. Clarke sighs, and gets up. She can let Lexa sleep for a few hours. Clarke can only imagine how tired Lexa had gotten after everyone waiting on her to sign the adoption papers. Lexa laying on the couch while laying on her stomach, her feet hanging off the edge with a little smile, probably because she was thinking about the papers was a perfect sight. Lexa’s green eyes, as usual, stole the show. Clarke could tell Lexa was happy based off of her body language, but her eyes told another story. They showed that same worn out expression Clarke has seen in her eyes from the day she met Lexa. Lexa, who was constantly struggling with what has happened to her. Today, it wasn't as bad. Lexa looked relieved, and Clarke was happy that Lexa felt that way. Clarke hates that she doesn’t like the reason _why_ , though. She promises herself to never, _ever_ voice these thoughts to Lexa. Or anyone else, for that matter. 

 

If it weren’t something Lexa wanted, Clarke doesn't know how things would have played out between the two of them. It still would be a struggle for both of them; with the system in the back of their heads. Clarke hates it; how much pain it’s put Lexa through. Clarke has met a lot of good people. People who are nice enough that Clarke wouldn’t mind talking to them. But Lexa is the only _good_ person Clarke has met. Lexa’s that one person Clarke knows who doesn’t deserve any of the bad things that happen to her. Lexa deserves everything the world has to offer. 

 

Clarke finds herself back in the kitchen where the papers rest on the counter. Lexa’s sloppy hand writing on the line next to her parents. Clarke has to repetitively tell herself that it’s the best thing for Lexa. If she told Lexa that she didn’t want her to sign it, Clarke would have been so unbelievably selfish that she wold’ve regretted it for the rest of her life. She hadn’t told Lexa, because Clarke knows that Lexa wouldn’t have even consider signing the papers. Either way, Clarke’s happy that Lexa made the choice on her own. 

 

It’s going to be hard. No doubt there. Clarke’s going to have to be extra careful with what she things of Lexa. She won’t be able to fall asleep curled up in bed next to Lexa on the cold nights. She won’t be able hold Lexa’s hand or even look at her a certain way. All of the things Clarke had hoped for with Lexa can’t happen, because if the foster care system finds out, it won’t take long before they try to take Lexa away. Clarke has heard about it; she’s not sure if it’s true or not, but Lexa would be the one blamed. Hell, Clarke has even read about cases where the kid who was adopted serve time in juvie. Clarke promised herself that she would’t put Lexa at risk like that. 

 

The only way to do that was to let Lexa get adopted. Clarke knows that never in a million years would she even consider seeing Lexa as her sister. Lexa was so much more than that. Clarke sighs again, shaking her head. She’s so fucked up, Clarke wishes that it was simpler for her and Lexa. She has to remind herself what she told her parents before they signed the papers. “ _It doesn’t matter, Dad. There’s nothing going on between me and Lexa.”_

 

_“It should be ‘Lexa and I’, Clarke.” Her dad replied teasingly._

 

_Her heart sinks a little more, but she manages to wave him off, “Whatever. There’s absolutely nothing going on between Lexa and I.”_

 

Her parents weren’t entirely convinced. Clarke doesn’t blame them for not believing her right away. Her mother tried to remind her that nothing could happen between her and Lexa at all if she got adopted. Clarke didn’t need reminding; she already had it etched into her brain, telling her at the worst moments that they couldn’t happen. 

 

Now she doesn’t have to worry about it. Lexa signed the papers. Now, they can get on with their lives. Clarke can focus on school, and Lexa can focus on soccer. They’ll do different things. That leaves enough time for nothing to happen between them, right?

 

Clarke is suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that she had just lost Lexa. Lexa’s only a few feet away in the other room, sleeping on the couch, but Clarke can’t help but feel that Lexa is nowhere near here. She feels like Lexa is on the other side of the world. Lexa has always been one of the most important people in her life. Clarke _has_ to be happy that Lexa has finally gotten something she wanted. But Clarke doesn’t feel happy for Lexa, and she hates herself even more for it. Lexa has gone through so much, and Clarke can’t even try to be happy for her. No. _No matter what, I’m happy for Lexa._ Clarke tells herself. _Lexa deserves this. I’m not going to take it from her. She deserves everything that she could possibly want._

 

Clarke’s phone goes off, startling her out of her thoughts. She looks down at the screen, only to see Octavia’s name appear on the screen. Clarke wants to ignore the call. To disappear into her room and curl up in a ball, or maybe even go back to the living room and finish drawing Lexa. _That can’t happen. Nothing supposed to be happening between you two._

 

Clarke is still considering to ignore Octavia, but she knows that if she does, Raven and Octavia will take turns blowing her phone up. She also knows that from experience, if she ignores both of them, both of them will decide to invite themselves over at ungodly hours just to make sure she’s okay. Or what Raven would say, “ _We have to make sure you’re not screwing fuckboys. Because if we don’t who does?”_

 

“What?” Clarke says, trying not to sound pissed off. Even though Octavia seems to call at the worst time. 

 

“Jesus. Someone’s cranky. Why have you been MIA all break?” 

 

“Did someone die?!” Raven yells in the background, and  Clarke’s positive she hears the affects of a video game, too. Clarke rolls her eyes. Octavia is right, though. She’s been ignoring them all break. It wasn’t because Lexa was considering getting adopted- it was something else. Clarke can’t explain it. Sometimes, she just goes through short phases in her life where she doesn't want to talk to anyone, and it’s not because she’s angry or she’s upset, it just is. 

 

“Lexa’s getting adopted.” 

 

“WHAT?!” She hears both of her friends say in union, and Clarke pulls the phone away from her ear. She takes a few seconds to regain her hearing, and runs her fingers through her hair. 

 

“Yeah. She’s getting adopted. Well, technically, since she already signed the papers, she’s been adopted for like, half an hour now, but yeah. Lexa’s adopted.” 

 

The line is silent for a few seconds, and they all try to soak in the news. The past few weeks, Octavia and Raven have been making fun of her, for her now ‘obvious’ crush on Lexa. Clarke wish it wasn’t true, because then she’d be over Lexa in a few days. But Lexa’s more than some stupid high school crush. Hell, Lexa wasn’t a crush. Clarke loves Lexa. She would go crazy without Lexa. Nobody else annoys her, and at the same time makes Clarke have such an urge to kiss her.  

 

“Maybe it’s a scam.” Raven eventually pipes up, and Clarke shakes her head at the ridiculous excuse Raven has just come up with. Even Raven knows it was stupid. Clarke’s just thankful that Raven was trying to be a good friend. 

 

“No. I told my parents that it would’ve been a good birthday present for Lexa. Getting adopted was all she ever wanted, and now it’s happening. I guess it sucks, but I’m happy for her.” 

 

“Isn’t she your sister now?” Octavia asks. 

 

Clarke groans, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Well, we were foster sisters before. Now she’s my sister legally, so please, _please_ don’t remind me how fucked up it is. I already know.” 

 

“Kinda hot, too.” 

 

“Okay, Raven, you are officially excluded from this conversation,” Octavia says, and there’s some shuffling around before Octavia comes back. “Okay, she’s playing video games again. Want to come over and talk about it?” 

 

Clarke remembers how hurt Lexa had seem the last time Clarke left with out much explanation after something important had happened to her, and Clarke shakes her head even though Octavia can’t see her. “Not today. Maybe this weekend.” 

 

“Okay, as long as you come to our first soccer match. Then I’ll buy you all of the Ben and Jerry’s you want.” 

 

“I thought soccer doesn’t start until spring.” 

 

“It’s a tournament. Five games. More of some pre-season shit and stuff, I guess. Plus, Lexa will be looking fine in that jersey of hers.” 

 

“Fine. But I’m only coming for the Ben and Jerry’s.” Clarke says, though it’s because there’s nothing wrong with her watching her sister play soccer, is there? Octavia seems satisfied with the answer and says a quick goodbye before hanging up. 

 

Clarke sighs. If things weren’t complicated between her and Lexa, they certainly were. She tries to regain her balance, and puts a smile on her face, even though she’s sure Lexa is still sleeping on the couch. Clarke’s right. The only difference is that it’s raining, and Clarke grabs her sweatshirt before throwing a blanket on top of Lexa, even though Lexa rarely gets cold. 

 

She spends the rest of the day trying to draw, but there’s always something wrong with a stroke there, or the shading here, and Clarke wonders why she likes drawing and painting, because half of the time, she hates the ending product, but Lexa has always praised her for it. Maybe she’ll end up loosing motivation to draw, too. 

 

Lexa’s awake before Jake and Abby come home. Clarke has to force the smile thats on her face when she sees how happy her parents and Lexa are. For the first time in what seems forever, Lexa seems genuinely happy. In that moment, Clarke can only think, _I need my drawing pad. I should be drawing this right now._

 

Of course, she doesn’t. But she does force herself to remember every little feature of Lexa. The way her mouth turns up in a smile, where a few strands of hair stick out. After dinner, she goes back to the privacy of her room and draws it completely from memory. 

* * *

 

 

“THAT’S A RED CARD! YOU BASTARD!” Raven shouts, leaning against Clarke as she tries to get a better view of the field. Octavia was on the grass, blood coming from her nose. “HEY, IF YO-”

 

“Raven, I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think he can hear you.” Clarke says, referring to the referee. Her hand was clamped over Raven’s mouth. She doesn't want to have everyone looking at the two of them all day. Sure, she was worried about Octavia, but she was already back on her feet, talking to Lexa and Anya. The referee, standing a few feet away pulls out a yellow card. Almost out if instinct, Lexa and Octavia look at her at the same time. Clarke waves quickly, holding Raven back as she starts shouting how the girl who elbowed Octavia should be getting a red card. Raven starts yelling again, and this time Clarke manages to tone her out, watching as Lexa jogs to stand next to one of the opposing players. Clarke tries not to focus on how that, somehow, she can still see the outline of the muscles in Lexa’s shoulders. And her arms. Clarke tries to scold herself, telling herself that she’s here to support her friend and her newly founded _sister._

 

Clarke only pulls her eyes from Lexa when the two boys sitting in front of them turn around, their eyes narrowed. “Raven, now would be a good time to shut up.” Clarke hisses as they tower over the both of them. Clarke wants to slap Raven to get her to shut up, but Raven falls silent after a few seconds, wide-eyed.

 

“You two go to Arkadia?” The taller one asks gruffly, and Clarke wants to ignore them, or try to have a polite conversation, but Raven, as always, enjoys causing trouble. 

 

“Yeah! Got a problem with that, ass?” 

 

“Raven….” Clarke grabs her elbow in case they have to make a run for it, and suddenly she remembers Stan. Raven can’t run with him. 

 

“Yeah, I do, actually. Yelling about my girlfriend like that.” The boy replies again, and Clarke mentally groans. Only Raven would purposely cause trouble between two boys that are twice the size of either of them. The taller one, a slim build and medium height, with brown hair that hangs just above his ears, dark blue eyes, and a prominent nose seems to tower over them, even though he at the most, has three inches on them. His friend is a little shorter, with short black hair and blue eyes. He’s somewhat muscular and seems fit.

 

They can’t be that big of a threat, right? Clarke hopes not. There’s too many eyes around, but Raven can’t keep her damn mouth shut. Clarke tries to figure if she can defend her and Raven. Raven, with Stan is an easy target, unfortunately. If it weren’t for him, Clarke knows that the two assholes in front of her wouldn’t be a big problem. Raven would be able to help scare them off. But it’s just Clarke. She’s never had to do anything drastic to protect herself or her friends, but she knows somethings, thanks to Lexa insisting that she should know how to protect herself, also with the help of her dad. 

 

“Well, I had a problem with her treating my best friend like that. Don’t you know some damn respect? I don’t freaking care if your girlfriend was playing a sport, nobody touches my friends like that.” 

 

A few curious eyes land on them, wondering what their exchange is about. Clarke hopes that the more eyes that are watching them, the less of a chance there is of something bad happening. Clarke was wrong. The boy is obviously short tempered, and clearly doesn’t care that Raven is two times smaller than him. He pushes her shoulder, not extremely hard, but hard enough for Raven to loose her balance. 

 

“Hey! Don’t touch her!” Clarke shouts, pushing the guy away from her, more forcefully. Now, everyone’s watching them. Even the players on the field have stopped to see what could possibly be more interesting in the stands. Raven gets back up, and she’s ready to say something. Clarke grabs her arm as a warning, and one of the boys raises his hand. Clarke expected it, anticipated it, and in the moments after landing she let her body relax. Clarke face stings. Raven finally shuts up. Suddenly, there’s eruption of yelling, and Clarke wonders why it didn’t happen before. 

 

Clarke’s in shock, so she stands there for a few seconds, and then sees Lexa over the shoulders of the shorter one, his eyes wide, like he didn’t expect his friend to hit Clarke. He did, anyways. The fact that Lexa’s over his shoulder makes Clarke wonder how much time has passed. A few minutes. Six? Ten? She doesn’t know. Her face still stings; like when she’s out in the cold for too long at a football game with Lexa. Usually they get hot chocolate and they’re fine. 

 

“Haven’t you heard of picking on someone your own size?” Lexa asks, her voice cold and stern. Low and dangerous. Clarke regrets coming here. Lexa, getting off the field just to make sure she’s okay. Only Lexa would do that, but it doesn’t make her any less concerned. Clarke watches as Lexa’s fists ball up- and Lexa doesn’t do that when she’s angry: she shakes and her jaw clenches. Her hand’s shaking, and Clarke knows what the fist means. 

 

“I don’t agree with that, bu-”

 

There’s a sickening crack as Lexa punches him. Clarke flinches at the sound, and the guy who hit her, his brown eyes widen in shock too. Clarke should have never come here, god damn it. Raven shouldn’t be intervening, and as always, Raven doesn’t care. She’s yelling again, and if they didn’t have the entire crowds attention before, they certainly did now. 

 

“JUST SO YOU KNOW, I’M PROTECTED BY THE ADA, SO I CAN SUE YOUR ASS! YOU SICK BASTARDS!” Raven shouts, struggling against Anya and Octavia. Lexa’s now standing next to Clarke as both boys sulk away, the shorter one holding his nose. 

 

“Are you okay?” Lexa asks, grabbing Clarke’s face her hands soft and soothing compared to the boy’s touch. Clarke flinches slightly, but Lexa doesn’t seem to notice. “They didn’t touch you, did they?” 

 

“I’m fine. They pushed Raven, though. That’s all.” The lie comes faster than she expected, and she sees Lexa’s frown; knowing that she’s lying. 

 

“I guess she’s really planning on suing them, then.” Lexa says distractedly as Clarke inspects her hand. The wounds on her hand from punching Niylah had barely healed, and now their open again, small dots of blood appearing through cracked skin. “Your face is going to bruise if we don’t get you ice.” 

 

Clarke doesn’t care. She cares about the blood on Lexa’s hand. “Lexa, your hand is bleeding.” 

 

“That’s how you know if you hit that shitty bastard hard.” Lexa grabs her elbow roughly, and Clarke, still dealing with the whiplash of what has just happen, pulls her arm away roughly. “Let’s get you clea-”

 

“Lexa, don’t touch me!” 

 

They both freeze. Clarke can feel Octavia, Anya and Raven watching them closely. She hopes that they are too far away to hear her, but she knows they heard. Everyone heard. She should have asked her parents to stay when they got tired and left during the third game. She should have gone home. Clarke can see the hurt in Lexa’s eyes. Lexa was just trying to help; Clarke knows this. But Clarke thinks that they won’t ever be able to look past this. Sometimes, its the smallest things that have the biggest impact on a relationship. 

 

“Clarke, I would _never_ , ever hurt you.” Lexa whispers. Clarke barely hears her. She wants to say that she knows Lexa would never do that. But Clarke’s too shook to do anything. This isn’t open for discussion, Clarke decides. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. It happened, and now it’ll be forgotten about. 

 

“I- I don’t know that,” Clarke whispers back, and it breaks her. Clarke knows what Lexa meant. Lexa would never hit her; never somehow physically hurt her. But there are other ways Lexa has already been hurting Clarke. Those weren’t in Lexa’s control. She never talked to Lexa about them, anyways. “Go finish your game, Lexa.” 

 

But the game’s already over. Lexa takes a step back and sighs, shaking her head. She looks at her feet, and Clarke can’t help but think she looks like a sad, broken child. Lexa’s green eyes are welling with tears, and Lexa blinks them away furiously, “When you get to Raven’s, ice your cheek. And call Mo- Abby. She’ll want to check in on you.” 

 

Clarke only nods in response, and as Lexa walks away, she wonders if it’s as hard for Lexa as it is for her. 

* * *

 

The television is blaring, the occasional explosion and series of gunshots coming from it. Octavia and Clarke it on the couch, with Stan in their lap, Clarke’s holding a pint of melting Ben and Jerry’s to her face. Raven’s on the floor, laying on her stomach. They haven’t said anything since the game, besides when Clarke called her mother to let her know that she was okay, and Lexa was at Anya’s house. Which Abby already knew. But other than that, they haven’t said anything. Not about the crack in Raven’s nearly $60,000 leg and that Raven wasn’t going to be able to fix it, anyways. Not about the red mark, and soon to be bruise on Clarke’s face. Clarke’s face was the less important of the two, anyways. Stan was supposed to last her another good three years, giving her enough time to get another one before college. Now, obviously, Raven’s going to have to hope her parents can afford another one on top of college. Or win the lawsuit she insisted was going to happen. 

 

Raven’s parents are out of town, so Clarke’s not sure if they even know that they’re camping out here, or they thought they were going to be at her or Octavia’s place. Raven seems completely serious about suing the men they ran into at the game, that with a little of hacking and research, they were able to find out their names. John Murphy and Atom Ogden. 

 

Clarke sighs as she pulls the pint away from her face, pulling out the spoon she grabbed. 

 

“Clarke, you need to leave it on longer, or it’ll bruise.” 

 

“I know. At this point I really don’t care, Octavia.” Clarke mumbles as she pops off the top of the lid. She wonders if she was to harsh on Lexa earlier. Or the broken line between them is getting bigger by the second. She doesn’t really care that a complete stranger had hit her today, she’s more worried about Raven. Yet, she feels like she can’t say any of her thoughts. Right now, Raven and Octavia probably think she’s being to blunt. 

 

The television shuts off suddenly, and Raven’s struggling to turn around to look at them. Raven, who was either _always_ sarcastic or angry, has tearstained cheeks and more welled up in her brown eyes. She shakes her head in disbelief and tosses her video game remote to the side. She overpowered her throw, and it crashes against the wall. All three girls ignore it, just like they decided to do with the blood stains on Octavia’s jersey and the crack in Raven’s leg. 

 

“You should, Clarke. You should fucking care! Okay? They hit you, for christ sake! They broke Stan and this time I can’t fix him, and I should have shut up when you told me to, but I didn’t. My parents are out of town, an- You _should_ care. I’m going to be stuck on crutches and a wheelchair until I get a new leg, and you’re going to be bruised for like a week, and Bellamy’s got a freaking drug problem and isn't going to college anymore. So yeah, life might suck and you're sick of it, but you should always care, Clarke.” 

 

Clarke and Octavia have never seen Raven like this. Not because they aren't close, but because Raven’s never let them see. At least, not this bad. Clarke feels that  no matter how close you get to someone, you’ll always learn something new from them. Clarke stares, openmouthed, trying to come up with a response, and Octavia’s moving to comfort Raven. Clarke gives up on saying anything and joins them on the floor, wiping away Raven’s tears and wishing even more that she hadn’t showed up to the games. 

 

 

* * *

 

Lexa smiles lightly against Anya’s shoulder, replaying the last few hours in her mind. Clarke, being scared of her was something Lexa never thought could have happened. _I don’t know that._ What had Clarke meant like that? Lexa hopes she’s not digging in too deep and assuming it’s because of her adoption. Her new, official birth certificate came in, reminding both of them just how real it was. Lexa is adopted. An official Griffin. Her and Clarke are sisters. Nothing can happen between them. 

 

Anya was in her thoughts somewhere, too. Usually the, _oh, I should call Anya. Let her know I finally signed the papers. Invite her over. That’s what girlfriends do, right?_ And that was about it. 

 

Lexa’s worried about Clarke, and Raven. Even Octavia.  She’s worried as hell. But if nothing can happen between them, then she should at the least _try_ to move on. She leans back, pulling away from the warmth of Anya, looking at her. 

 

“Thinking about Clarke?” Anya asks.

 

_Yes._

 

“Nope, not really.” Lexa replies. 

 

“Then why do you look so serious?” 

 

Lexa frowns at that before replying, “I guess I just have a resting bitch face.” 

 

Anya erupts in laughter. Lexa smiles, laughing a bit herself. The grip Anya has on her tightens, and Anya’s all cute, smiling and laughing, and Lexa wants to pull on the strings of her sweatshirt, but to see how she’ll react, but she doesn’t. “We should probably go to bed.” Anya says, and Lexa rolls her eyes. 

 

“Mmm.” Lexa hums, not wanting to go to bed, or have an excuse to get out of Anya’s bed. After everything that happened today, she wants to lay down next to Anya for as long as she could, even though it’s not possible. “I don't really feel like going to sleep.” 

 

Which was true. It’s almost one in the morning, and Lexa feels wide awake. 

 

“Too bad,” Anya mumbles, “I’m exhausted.”

 

“Really?” Lexa mumbles back. Anya never sleeps. She’s the one who’s never tired, and Lexa can’t help but laugh a little. Maybe Lexa should get some sleep. She’s been laughing at things that aren’t even remotely funny for the past few hours. 

 

“Well, no. But I should go to bed before I do something stupid.”

 

“Like what?” Lexa looks over at her at that, and Anya shakes her head, shrugging it off.  Lexa’s not sure why, but she leans forwards to kiss Anya again. She was to remind herself that they’re dating, and she shouldn’t need a reason. Her hands  grip Anya’s hips tighter, and Anya’s closing the space between them, pressing their bodies together. 

 

Lexa’s back hits Anya’s mattress, and thats when she realizes how fast they’re moving. She’s got a hand underneath Anya’s shirt, pushing it over her head. Lexa’s heart is racing as her shirt hits the floor next to Anya’s. It’s a little too fast. Her heartbeat is ringing in her ears, Anya’s got her legs thrown over her waist and kissing her neck, and Lexa doesn’t know what to do. Where to put her hands, if she should say something, and she wants to do something before things get awkward. 

 

The doorbell rings. Lexa barely hears it as it echoes off the walls of the house. It’s an ungodly hour for someone to be at Anya’s door, or any door, really, but it doesn’t stop Lexa from racing down the stairs without grabbing her shirt. Answering her girlfriend’s door at one thirty in the morning in nothing but a sports bra and shorts was not how she thought her night was going to go, but she assumes it’s fate. 

 

She throws the door open, her heated cheeks cooling down immediately from a small breeze. In front of her stands a tall dark man, his head shaved and tattoos poking out from his black t-shirt. They stand there for a few seconds, him looking down at her with observant brown eyes, and Lexa looks back up at him. She hears Anya coming down the stairs, and both of them refuse to walk away. Eventually, quietly he says, “I’m guessing you’re Anya?” 

 

Lexa realizes he’s talking to her, as he adjusts the backpack thrown over his shoulder, and she shakes her head quickly. “Anya’s girlfriend,” Lexa gestures to over her shoulder, “That’s Anya. I’m Lexa. I’m guessing you’re Lincoln.” 

 

Lincoln nods his head. “That’s me. Am I going to have to find another place too crash, or am I allowed in before it starts raining?” 

 

“Y-yeah, uh, come in, I guess? Anya’s parents aren’t home, and they won’t be until tomorrow night, an-”

 

“I’m only here to discuss why they are going through the trouble of reversing my adoption,” Lincoln says. He doesn't sound hurt, or betrayed. Instead he sounds defeated. “Then, hopefully, I will be back on my way.” 

 

“If they adopted you, too, how come I’ve never heard of you? Or seen you?” Anya demands. “I mean, we are basically brother and sister.” 

 

 _Clarke and I are sisters._ Lexa suddenly remembers _. Oh, god. Sisters._

 

“Could be due to the fact that I am almost ten years older than you, Anya.” Lincoln answers simply, not providing them any more information, and Lexa can feel hundreds of questions for him at the tip of her tongue, and he looks over at her, now smiling slightly. “Once I turned eighteen, I became a Marine. Clearly, for that has not worked out for me. Most of my squad was killed. I guess they do not see me as useful to them anymore.” 

 

“So, now you’re randomly coming back because…?” 

 

“Well, we all belong somewhere, don’t we, Lexa?” Lincoln asks with a playful wink, trying to ease up the conversation. He ignores the fact that it came from Anya, waiting for an answer from Lexa. Lexa nods quickly, afraid that if she answers him, she’ll end up saying that Clarke feels like home, when she should be saying that about the Griffin’s. Anya’s a part of her family. Lexa’s obviously comfortable with her, and they’re an important part in each other lives, but Anya doesn’t make her feel like she could belong anywhere. 

 

“Yes, sir, we do.” Lexa says, and she hears Anya snicker at her, and Lexa rolls her eyes. Lincoln laughs, and Lexa ends up smiling slightly. 

“Sir is too formal for me, Lexa. And if I’m going to get along with my sister, I can only assume I will have to pretend to enjoy your company.” Lexa rolls her eyes again at the teasing glint in Lincoln's warm brown eyes, and Anya sighs. 

 

Anya asks Lincoln if he needs anything, an offer he politely declines. They also end up calling Anya’s parents to let them know that Lincoln showed up suddenly. It was an awkward conversation, at least it was for Lexa, so she ends up dozing off for a bit at her spot on the couch. They don’t sleep. Instead, Lincoln and Anya tease each other as if they have grown up together, and they end up talking about Lincoln’s experience in the system and his life as a Marine, which grabs Lexa’s attention the most, and she feels at ease with the conversation, careful to keep her questions to a minimum and tries not to invade his privacy. 

 

Even then, Lexa feels as if she has barged into a very important meeting that she has no contribution too as Anya and Lincoln talk until the early hours of morning, and only then does Lincoln fall asleep on the couch and Lexa follows Anya up the stairs, slamming the door shut behind them. 

* * *

 

 

Lexa had forgotten that it was homecoming. Which is awful on her part, because she’s supposed to picking Anya up in less than an hour, and she’s still waiting for Clarke to get out of the shower and tell her which dress she would wear. If it weren’t for Clarke, Lexa would’ve spent the night locked in her room listening to music and wondering if it was actually possible that Anya and Lincoln can actually become that close in a week. Lexa isn’t one to judge, given her position with Clarke. Lincoln is a genuinely good person. Lexa can say that much. She feels sorry for him, after everything he’s been through. She’s learned that his biggest reason for coming back, besides in desperate need of a job, he was lonely and missed his family. He was just lucky enough to come home to a sister and a brother. 

 

She had also forgotten what Clarke’s room looked like. She forgot that Clarke’s closest looked like a tornado went through it and that she usually leaves her pencils and and pieces of crumbled up paper. It changed slightly, all of her clothes and her bed and dressers pushed to one side of the room, giving Clarke more room for the easel and paint that sit in the middle of her room, newspaper spread on the floor. The painting was covered, and Lexa had ended up staring at the ceiling, counting as the seconds passed, trying to distract herself from seeing Clarke’s work. Clarke usually lets Lexa see it one way or another, but now it doesn’t feel the same, and Lexa has to remind herself that she shouldn’t ask about it. Clarke obviously wants to keep it private. The shower’s still running, and she starts counting the seconds again. 

_1\. 2. 3. I wonder if Clarke’s going to dance with Finn. That won’t be as bad as Niylah. Atleast Finn’s a good guy. Anya told me to wear something green. Hopefully Clarke has a green dress nice enough, or Anya’s gonna kill me. Clarke still hasn’t showed me her dress. I wonder what it looks like._

 

_4 seconds. Huh. Clarke’s been in the shower for like, ten minutes. She never takes that long._

 

The door opens without a knock, and Lexa doesn’t sit up or look, for that matter. She hasn’t been in Clarke’s room for almost a month, and it’s long enough for Jake and Abby to not expect to see Lexa sprawled across Clarke’s bed, staring at the ceiling. She hadn’t bother to look, assuming it was Clarke. 

 

“Are you really going to wear a dress to homecoming?” It’s not Clarke. Lexa shoots up at Jake’s deep voice, trying her best to ignore the worried look in his eye, telling herself that even Jake knows that nothing is happening between her and Clarke. She wouldn’t have signed the papers otherwise. 

 

“Huh, Anya said that I should.” 

 

Jake laughs. “Lexa. In a dress,” He smiles, and Lexa just stares at him, not exactly seeing where he’s going with this. Lexa wants to cancel homecoming, but according to Clarke and Anya, it’s part of the full high school experience. “I don’t think you’ll last a full ten minutes.” He jokes, and Lexa shrugs, sheepishly looking away. She’ll get out of her dress the first chance she gets. Clarke would probably have to wrestle her into one.

 

“Yeah. I guess I’ll just have to deal.” 

 

“Or you could wear a suit. You’ll be more comfortable.” Jake says, and Lexa shrugs. She doesn’t own a suit. The nicest pair of clothes she has is the few skirts and shirts Clarke had forced her to buy from American Eagle. T-shirts and jeans with a pair of Vans or sneakers are just so much easier.  

 

“But I don’t even have one. Besides, it’s not like I-”

 

Jake just shrugs and holds up a green tie, “It’ll bring out your eyes.” 

 

Ten minutes later, she was awkwardly trying to button her cuffs, the green tie Jake gave her hanging from her neck, waiting to be tied. She finally manages to get the button through the hole, and looks at herself in the mirror. Jake had managed to get her a suit that fit almost perfectly, and she wonders how he knew what would fit her and what wouldn’t. Hopefully Anya will like it. If not, Lexa’ll just have to deal with it. She likes the suit, at least. More than she thought she would, so that’s good. Lexa fumbles with her tie for a few minutes, and sighs. Jake will have to tie it for her. Only once. 

 

Jake’s waiting at the bottom of the stairs for her, and holds up a pair of shoes, “I don’t want you breaking your ankles in heels, and you look better in the suit anyways. You wear size 10, right?” 

 

Lexa nods, and he laughs, “Thank god you’re not short compared to your foot size anymore. Finally proportional. C’mere. I’ll show you how to do the tie.” Jake takes the next few minutes telling her the basics, and Lexa’s surprised that there’s more than thirty ways to tie a tie, and that Jake knows most of them off the top of his head. 

 

Jake steps away, and takes her in, and nods to himself, obviously pleased with the outcome. “Always knew you were a suit girl.” 

 

“Uh, thanks?” Lexa says unsurely, and looks up when she hears a door slam, and Clarke’s running down the stairs the same time Abby appears with a camera. 

 

“Girls before you go, we need to take pictures!” Lexa sure she can hear Clarke roll her eyes, but Lexa smiles, grabbing Clarke’s arm. 

 

“Yeah, Clarke. We _have_ to take pictures. Don’t you know the rules of school dances?” 

 

“But we need to pick up Anya an-”

 

“Anya will understand if we are a few minutes late, Clarke.” Lexa assures her. But all Lexa really wanted was for there to be a reason that they could have a framed photo of both of them smile with her arm around Clarke. Lexa wants to tell her that she looks amazing as always, but she’s sure that it’ll raise even more suspicions about her and Clarke with Jake and Abby. 

 

Clarke gives her a pointed look that says, _Lexa, don’t blow it. I’ll hate you if you do. We can’t take pictures together, you know that._

 

Lexa, feeling much bolder than usual, ignores Clarke’s pointed look, and telling herself that Jake and Abby aren’t watching as she snakes her arm around Clarke’s waist, pulling her closer. She leans down a bit, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s temple before whispering, “You look lovely, Clarke. As always. Whoever dances with you tonight is very lucky.” Lexa faintly hears the click of a camera, and smiles slightly to herself. Clarke, on the other hand, has a frown on her face. She’s fuming as she picks up her heels, and doesn’t say another word as she storms out the door, not bothering to look back to see if Lexa is following her. Lexa grabs the car keys, noticing that Clarke forgot them and says a quick goodbye to Jake and Abby. 

 

“Clarke!” Lexa calls after her, and even though Clarke’s a good twenty feet away from her standing next to their car, she hears her sigh. 

 

“Lexa, just open the door, will you!?” Clarke nearly shouts back, and Lexa groans loudly, pinching the edge of her nose.

 

“I’m not driving you to some shitty school dance neither of us really want to go until you tell me what’s wrong!” Lexa shoots back, knowing that if they fight, for them, it’ll be better to get it out of the way now. They’re always fighting. Over something. Lexa hates it. She hates drama. But she would rather have her and Clarke have another disagreement than be ignored by her for another week. The quiet from Clarke always hits her the hardest.

 

Clarke shakes her head, crossing her arms over her chest stubbornly, and sighs, “Then we’ll never get to that shitty dance.” 

 

“Clarke. Talk to me.” Lexa says desperately. She has to stop herself reaching for her arm. Lexa has already said Clarke’s name so many times tonight, it’s becoming a chant. All Lexa wants is Clarke. All of her thoughts consist of Clarke. She wants to be able to go to this shitty school dance and hold Clarke’s hand. She wants to be so close to Clarke that she can feel her heartbeat, but it’ll never happen. Lexa’s with Anya. Most importantly, she adopted. Clarke can’t be on her mind like this. 

 

“No.” 

 

“Fine. I’ll talk, then.” Lexa says, taking a deep breath, getting ready to tell Clarke that she regrets signing the papers, that she regrets ever thinking about dating Anya, that she’s been making such a mess of things. Lexa never has a chance to say anything, though. 

 

“I hate you, Lexa. You are so _unbelievably_ stupid!” Clarke says loudly, and Lexa takes a step forward, but Clarke pushes her away. “No! Lexa, don’t you noticed what you’ve been doing? I- doing that in front of my- _our_ parents and demanding to take pictures with me when you should be so nervous to take Anya, you can’t even think straight. And then you look so freaking hot in that suit and you tell me these things, its not cool! Alright? Lexa, I-”

 

“I’m sorry,” Lexa mumbles, and suddenly her tie feels too tight. She can barely breath, and she loosens it a bit, looking down at Clarke. “I’m so sorry, Clarke. I… I just wanted a picture with you. I wasn't thinking when I did that, I just knew that I wanted to hold you. Everyth-” 

 

Clarke’s wrapping her arms around her neck, pulling her in for a hug. Lexa closes her eyes, trying to brand the memory in her mind. Clarke smells like perfume for the dance, and Lexa misses how she normally smells like. Not like the overpriced perfume she rarely wears, but the faint odor of paint that always seems to stay with her. 

 

“I’m sorry I got so angry.” Clarke whispers into her ear. Lexa doesn’t respond. The hug from Clarke was good enough. They’ve said everything they needed to say to each other, and at the same time, they haven’t said anything to each other.

 

Suddenly, Lexa remembers Anya. Anya would be pissed if she’s any later than she already is. Anya could care less about the dance. But their coach tells them that it’ll look better for them in some way. So, Anya’s forcing Lexa to suffer with her. Lexa wants to stay here with Clarke. She’s even hesitant to let Clarke pull away from their hug. 

 

“I was serious when I said whoever dances with you will be lucky, Clarke.” Lexa tells her as she opens the door for her, and few seconds later when Lexa starts the car, she gives Clarke a teasingly smile, “Now, were you serious when you said I look hot in a suit?” Lexa teases. She hadn’t expected a response, but Clarke nods. 

 

“Anya’s lucky to be on your arm, Lex.” 

 

Lexa gets to Anya’s house in less than five minutes, and spends ten minutes talking to Lincoln as he dramatically reminds them that they have to take pictures, too, and she can tell Anya’s slightly annoyed. Lexa hoped Clarke wouldn’t be too bored waiting for them. As she holds Anya’s hand and hears music blasting through her car, she sighs and apologizes. Then she drives back to her and Clarke’s street in a last minute carpool with Octavia and Raven. 

 

Lexa didn’t mind. It gave her another reason to be looking back in her review mirror at Clarke, since Raven and Octavia have been painfully distracting. She’s almost convinced at one point, Raven attempted to push Octavia out of the car as Clarke watched on, her face not giving anything away. 

 

The dance itself is awful. However, after a few cups of spiked punch, (okay, a lot more than a few), Lexa’s finally able to focus on Anya. She forgets that Clarke’s off somewhere on the dance floor with Finn, and that Lexa should probably be watching them. Well, not them. Clarke. She wanted to make sure that Clarke had fun tonight, but that thought had became muddy as she took a hold of Anya’s hand. 

 

“You know, you already took the pictures to make our school look good. Now you can relax and dance with your girlfriend.” Lexa tells her, nearly tripping over her own feet. She was starting to be thankful that Anya hadn't put on a lot of makeup, just like Clarke. Because if she told herself long enough, the same sent of overpriced perfume and soft skin would be enough to convince her that it was Clarke. However, when she looks down at Anya, she’s greeted with brown eyes instead of Clarke’s blue ones. Lexa misses them already. 

 

“Never thought I’d hear you say that.” 

 

“Say what?” 

 

“You know,” Anya says, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. “Call yourself my girlfriend when you obviously want to be with Clarke so badly.” 

 

Lexa is stunned, and her hands shake slightly as she tries to come up with an explanation, but she can’t. Besides Clarke, Anya’s the only other person who knows her better than herself. Lexa can’t say anything. She’s not sure if she even wants to say anything. 

 

“Don’t worry, Lex. I get it. You can’t have Clarke, you thought that you could convince yourself that you’re in love with me. Classic Lexa move, trying to hide what you really feel.” Anya’s not upset, or angry. Instead, she chuckles slightly, and Lexa’s surprised Anya even finds the situation humorous. 

 

Then Lexa notices Anya looking over at Raven, who’s laughing at something Octavia had said. Lexa finally starts to laugh herself, realizing how stupid both of them can be. “An, this is why we’re best friends. Go ask Raven out. She is clearly interested in you.” 

 

Anya just blinks. 

 

“I’m sorry, let me put that in Anya language,” Lexa teases. “Anya, pull your head out of your ass and realize that Raven thinks you’re hot. She swings both ways.” 

 

Anya still just stares at her as she processes what Lexa says. Lexa shrugs, and then smiles. “Trust me on this one. I wouldn’t do anything that doesn’t help you get laid, you know that. Go talk to her.” 

 

“But-”

 

“It’s Raven. You’ve already talked to her, like, what? A hundreds of times. Just ask her out. Besides, Clarke and Octavia like you, so you don’t have to worry about them. It’s all cool.” 

 

Anya still refuses to move, and Lexa’s ready to threaten her and say she’ll ask Raven out for her if she’s really that nervous about it, but Anya leans up and kisses Lexa’s cheek. “You’re a good person. You know that, right? And about Clarke-”

 

“I’ll get over it.” Lexa assures her, but Lexa’s already doubting her own words. Clarke is one of those people that she should never let go. Lexa was already stupid enough for picking her adoption over Clarke. Only fools do that. Only Clarke could make not talking or seeing her hurt so much. Nobody had that power over Lexa. Clarke held Lexa’s world in her hands- no, Clarke was her world. 

 

“I was going to say that. I was going to say that you can pretend that you’re not adopted. Just for tonight. I won’t tell anyone.” 

 

“Anya, we ca-”

 

“One night is better than none at all, right? Don’t blow it, Lex.” 

 

At that, Anya leaves her alone. Lexa doesn’t want to think about what Anya said, because then Lexa’s going to be thinking about how she’s not dancing with her, and that Finn is, or that Niylah was the one who was able to kiss Clarke and not her. Lexa takes a deep breath, trying to keep her control. She’s made it a month without thinking about Clarke like this, until tonight. She can do it for a lifetime. 

 

Across the floor, Finn’s kissing Clarke’s cheek, and pretends to ignore it, but Finn nods her over, and her hands shake, and she can feel her heartbeat in her ears, the music seeming to die out completely. Lexa knows that it’s only because Clarke’s looking at her. 

 

“I see that Finn is the lucky man, tonight.” 

 

“I guess he is.” Clarke says, shifting uncomfortably.

 

“Do you want to go home?” Lexa asks, throwing her thumb over her shoulder. “I have no problem driving you home.” 

 

“No, I… I’m fine.” 

 

“Are you sure? It is fine, I'm sure. I will just come back for Raven and the rest of them.” 

 

“No,” Clarke sighs, and Lexa tries to brace herself for the worst, that Clarke doesn’t want to be this close to her, that Lexa should just act like their sisters, but both of them know that they can’t do that. “I just… I really want to kiss you right now.” 

 

“Then kiss me.” Lexa’s surprised herself. She hadn’t expected to respond so fast, or respond at all. She didn’t expect to be so straightforward. “If you really want to, do it. I won’t stop you. I… We can pretend for just tonight. Just you and I.” 

 

_Nothing else matters. Only you. It will always be only you._

 

Lexa doesn't say the rest of her thoughts. She waits for Clarke to respond. The silence has never been so loud, in those short seconds waiting for Clarke to respond. Lexa’s heart is racing- she said too much. She implied the impossible. Nothing can happen between them. Clarke’s blue eyes don’t leave her. They’re bright, but sad. 

 

“Only for tonight.” 

 

“It is better than nothing at all, isn't it, Clarke?” 

 

“If people find out-”

 

“If people find out, it will be worth it.” 

 

It’s enough to convince Clarke. Or maybe both of them are feeling reckless tonight, or maybe, it’s because they both know that it’s what both of them want. They don’t care about the consequences. They never had, if they were honest. But Lexa wanting to get adopted did. 

 

Clarke’s hand slips into Lexa’s their fingers intertwining. Nobody looks at them, or nobody cares. They gather Raven, Octavia and Anya and shove them into the back seat of their car. Lexa groans when they start to demand that they stop for food, but seeing Clarke laugh, Lexa gives in. She pulls into a booth at Sonic and waits for them to order, watching Clarke the entire time. She had to let go of her hand before, and Lexa wants to reach for it again. Anya and Raven are flirting. Octavia’s pretending that nothing’s happening, and Clarke looks over at her again. Lexa smiles. 

 

Everyone’s happy with their milkshakes, and Clarke demands to play music. Lexa doesn't put up much of a fight, and ends up singing along with Clarke. She drops Anya off first, then Raven and Octavia at Raven’s house. 

 

It’s half past one. Lexa doesn’t want to go home. She doesn’t need to go home when Clarke’s holding her hand. 

 

“Still worth it?” Lexa hears Clarke ask. 

 

“For you, it always is.” 

 

Lexa’s tie is off in four simple movements the moment she steps into Clarke’s room. Clarke pulls her in again, kissing her gently. Lexa fumbles with the handle, making sure the door is locked. Lexa’s hands are pulling Clarke closer, her lips moving desperately against hers. Lexa’s not sure how they ended up this way, or how they even made it to Clarke’s room, since they couldn’t stop laughing  and kissing as they stumbled up the stairs. Jake and Abby are still sleeping, surprisingly. One of Lexa’s hands leave Clarke’s waist and finds her hair. 

 

Lexa lets out a small whine when Clarke pulls away. They’re both breathing heavily, foreheads touching, and Lexa refuses to open her eyes- for this exact moment. She’s afraid that if she opens them, Clarke will change her mind and tell her that they can’t do this, or that somehow Jake and Abby will find them like this, a tangle of a limbs, swollen lips and heavy breathing. 

 

“Lexa…” Clarke mumbles, and eventually, Lexa opens her eyes. She’s instantly greeted with Clarke’s blue ones, and she feels relieved. Nothing’s happening but them kissing. The way it should be. Lexa has always been telling herself that she could never have Clarke, for two reasons. 

 

Clarke is too good for her. Clarke has always been too good for her. Lexa could never do anything to deserve Clarke’s love, but here she is, and Clarke’s look up at her in such a way that Lexa doesn’t know what to do. 

 

“We only said kissing.” Clarke says, finishing her sentence. 

 

“We also said just friends.” Lexa whispers back. It’s how they’ve always been. Making promises that they will never end up keeping. Clarke is so bad for her, not in the sense of getting hurt. If Clarke ends up hurting her, it would only be her fault. But Clarke is so addicting. The taste of her lips, the curve of her body, the sound of her laugh and the color of her eyes. The feeling of their skin brushing. Lexa can never get enough. Her mind tells her that Clarke’s no good for her, but her heart’s made up on Clarke. There will never be another Clarke. 

 

“I know.” 

 

Lexa understands where Clarke is coming from. It takes all of her willpower to walk away, opening Clarke’s window. Then, she disappears into her own room for a few minutes to change into her pajama’s. When she comes back, Clarke is sketching, and Lexa lays down know to her, grabbing hand and kissing it, only because she wanted to kiss Clarke one last time tonight. 

 

It happens when they're about to go to sleep. Lexa is focusing on the puffs of air fanning her neck as Clarke intertwines her legs with the girl below her. They've been close since they met, often sharing a bed. But now it feels so different. Lexa isn't sure what it is this time. Maybe it’s because they’ve spent the past half hour with lazy kisses and some wandering touches. Lexa hand has often found comfort in the small of Clarke’s back, or in her hair. It's never been anything. Until it is. They’re comfortable enough for it to not be anything, they’re just happy enough that they both agreed to pretend that nothing affects them tonight. 

 

It's raining like the droplets want to bruise the worn streets. The fog has allowed finger doodles on windows and newly drawn pictures to fill Clarke’s notepad. It's so strange how the rain can do that to a person. To Lexa it makes her feel cleansed but also filled with rage at the world and a hunger for love. Lexa finds herself thinking about bitten, pink lips and a raspy voice. She doesn't even realize that they belonged to a real person until they slid in bed beside her; scratching, claiming that it was freezing. For a few seconds, she was so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she had almost forgotten that Clarke was there, too. 

 

Lexa wasn't cold, but she only because she had changed into a thin sweater, so she assumed that must have been it. She wanted to tell Clarke that she wouldn't be cold if she didn't insist on sleeping in only a big t-shirt and undies, but that was an argument for a different day.

 

Lexa removes her headphones and quieted the beautiful hum of Lana's voice shaking through the earbuds. She instead listened to the way Clarke dramatically said, "Brrr," to get sympathy from the girl beneath her.

 

Lexa smiles and let her hand trace the curve of Clarke’s shoulder.

 

"I love when it rains.” Lexa murmurs, even though Clarke knows this already. 

 

Clarke hummed and tightened her grip on Lexa’s torso, “Yeah, except when it gets this damn cold. But, yeah, I guess it’s nice.” 

 

Lexa found herself chuckling, “Yeah, well, at least you're more cuddly."

 

Clarke scoffed and looked up at her, "I'm consistently extremely cuddly, the cold just motivates me to initiate it.”

 

Lexa laughed and admired the pink of Clarke's cheeks, "Shit, sorry. I was unaware of how passionate you were about this.” She teases. She wants to lean in, give Clarke another kiss, just because she looks so cute right now, her hair over her shoulder, it just makes Lexa wonder if she would have seen Clarke like this if she didn’t sign the papers. 

 

Clarke simply smiled and the room fell silent. Lexa heard the small, steady beat of rain against the window pane, smiling at the memory of the small banter her and Clarke had when she had refused to close it at first. She felt Clarke shift and Lexa’s hand fell to Clarke’s hipbone. Lexa breathes slow and deep from her nose. She may or may not have a slight obsession with hipbones; as strange as it may be, and Clarke’s were sharp and soft at once. They were protruding enough to be just the right size for Lexa’s hand, and the skin of her hip allowed Lexa’s nails to rest there.

 

So- Maybe Lexa should move her hand. Except, even through the material of Clare’s panties; she felt her skin heat up. Then there's a loud boom of thunder that makes Clarke jump, and- okay yeah her thigh just moved. Lexa didn't know she was wet until the material of her panties was stuck there and no, no this is so wrong.

 

"Lexa," Clarke whined in response to the eerie flash of lightning that illuminates the features of her eyes wonderfully.

 

Lexa let her fingers massage Clarke scalp to soothe her, and the girls head fell once again to rest in Lexa’s neck.

 

"I don't like storms, why can't it just rain? Why does it have to be so loud?” She was whining and her lips moved along Lexa’s neck as she spoke, unknowingly leaving Lexa breathless.

 

Lexa murmured in agreement, even though she loved every part of the rain. She was more concerned with the warmth of Clarke’s center against her thigh, and the way the atmosphere of the room was suddenly different.

 

Lexa knows she can’t be over thinking this, because Clarke definitely just shifted. It's impossible for her to be imagining the sudden press of Clarke’s thigh to her, because she can tell how undeniably wet she is. It's confirmed that Clarke noticed because she stills completely for a moment, lowering her hips to Lexa’s  thigh. Lexa almost moans when she feels the slick, wet material of Clarke’s panties on her own leg.

 

Lexa let out a shaky sigh and tightened her grip on Clarke’s hip, her nails digging into the flesh there, “Clarke?"

 

Clarke simply hums, moving her thigh forward, making Lexa shoulders go slack against the shitty mattress, which creaks a little as they shift. 

 

“Hmm?"

 

Lexa bites her lip and takes the time to watch Clarke’s lips as they moved to a small smirk. Lexa was so lost, she never thought this would happen. She would normally analyze every shift in the air, but now all she cared about was Clarke. All she wanted to do was touch her and promise her the things she wished could be promised to herself.

 

Deep down, though, she wishes that this isn't just exploring each other on a whim, she wants it to be real. She can’t let it happen just because they feel like breaking the rules. Lexa can’t let Clarke be this close to her and let her go afterwards. 

 

She's watching Clarke when she sits up and gently tugs on Lexa’s calf so that she'll lift her thigh. When Lexa obeys, because it's Clarke, so of course she'll listen, Clarke sits so her heat is rested solely on Lexa’s thigh, and the little gasp she makes is enough to cause Lexa’s nails to dig harder into her hip. Lexa is completely mesmerized in the way Clarke’s hips twitch forward on her thigh, her eyes going closed for a moment. Lexa could watch her like this forever and wouldn't complain, it was beautiful.

 

Lexa wanted to hear Clarke, though. She couldn't hear her as much as she needed to, they were in Clarke’s room, he room right next to Jake’s and Abby’s  for fucks sake, but she needed to hear her; a little at least.

 

So, Lexa sits up, straining her muscles, feeling her hair fall onto her back. Clarke looked at her wide eyed, feeling like she did something wrong. Lexa shook her head, "You're so good, Clarke. Can we- Can we get these off?" 

 

She gestured to her panties and Clarke smiles small and simple, raising her hips, letting Lexa have the honors. Lexa paused to bite her lip and looks at Clarke again, wanting tot make sure Clarke was really sure. Lexa tries to pull herself together. Clarke is really underneath her, and her hands are shaking. The look of fondness on Clarke’s face is what reminds Lexa that they both want this. It’s her and Clarke. They’ve always been close. Lexa grabbed the waistband with such delicacy; never wishing to rush or harm Clarke.

 

It was so intimate, somehow, the way the material slid off her legs and past her ankles. Lexa set them against the wall to prevent them falling out of the bunk and raising suspicion. It feels too much like reality to Lexa at this point. There's too much outside sound. She falls against the pillow again, and takes Clarke’s hand to drag her into their previous position.

 

It's so different and it's so much better. Lexa feels the scalding skin of her best friend's center resting on her thigh and holy shit, she's wet and Lexa is able again to focus on the unsteady breathing and the rain falling.

 

Lexa bites her lip and pushes her leg up for Clarke’s benefit and the girl moans high and soft and it is the sexiest thing Lexa has ever heard in her life. When her body reacts to the pleasure, her thigh slides to Lexa and it's just so much to feel.

 

"Fuck," Lexa chuckles and Clarke hums and lowers her head to kiss dangerously close to Lexa’s lips.

 

Lexa hand is then at Clarke’s waist and smooths down to run over the crescent shaped marks on her lovely hipbones. Lexa lets her hands slide under the fabric of Clarke’s T-shirt, running them down the curve of her ass, lightly gripping the soft skin there. Lexa decides that she could never write poetry that truly describes the beauty of Clarke whispering her name. Clarke rolls her hips; causing them both to gasp and try to control their sounds. It goes on like this for a while, the heat filling Clarke’s room. Lexa feels like a ton of bricks are on her chest, but it's just the tips of Clarke’s hair dancing along her sweater.

 

Lexa’s heart feels like it's beating so fast that it's going to explode when Clarke’s hand is sliding down her torso. Lexa bites her lip and takes a deep breath, Clarke’s thin fingers slipping below the fabric of her panties.

 

Then Clarke is peppering open mouthed kisses on Lexa’s jaw and then she licks a stripe along her skin, only to leave Lexa feeling like she's going to pass out. Soon enough Clarke’s hand is sliding down the outside of Lexa’s folds and Lexa can feel how wet she is when Clarke touches her. Lexa feels Clarke rub at her and she knows that she's never even made herself feel this good.

 

Then Clarke starts rolling her own hips on Lexa’s thigh and the thought that Clarke is getting off on making Lexa feel good, is intoxicating. Thunder booms outside the window and it makes both of them jump, but the increased pressure makes them moan, quickly quieting themselves.

 

Clarke rubbed along Lexa, slowly slipping one of her fingers inside of her entrance, loosely lifting and dropping her wrist, pulling soft groans from Lexa, urging her to slide a second finger inside her, feeling her get even more wet.

 

Lexa feels like she's on fire, wondering if she could actually see the stars past the window, or if it was just the arousal. Or if the feeling of Clarke’s skin on hers is distracting her. She watches Clarke sit up, lowering her thigh a little to accommodate her new position. Clarke shuddered and removed her fingers from Lexa’s entrance, using her thigh to prevent any loss of pleasure. Lexa’s eyes travelled with Clarke’s fingers as they rose to her big lips, slipping past them as they closed around her fingers.

 

Clarke hummed and moved to take the black lace off of Lexa, setting the panties on her own. Lexa bit her lip in self consciousness, but her stomach still stirred with arousal. Clarke took her seat back onto Lexa’s slick thigh, her hand falling to Lexa’s stomach to steady herself as her hips rolled forward.

 

There had been a slight change in position and now Lexa’s heat is on the lower half of Clarke’s thigh. Lexa felt herself frown because she didn't want this to be the last time she see Clarke’s eyes so dark and hear her voice so breathy. She wanted to focus on the beauty of the moment, but it was hard not to wish for it to happen later. Then Clarke’s hand was light on Lexa’s cheek, "S'not just tonight, Lex.”

 

Lexa’s eyes fluttered closed for a moment and she let herself breathe it in. She would normally ask her if she was sure, to fill that shaky space in her gut wondering why Clarke would ever want this with her again, let alone right now. She would normally shake her head and not let her hopes rise too high. Except now, with Clarke hand shaky and soft, she believes her. She doesn't for the life of her know why, but she believes her.

 

“Okay."

 

Lexa’s eyes open and there's a small smile on Clarke’s lips and she really wants to kiss her. She doesn't let herself though, because that would be too much, wouldn't it? It's so strange that lips intertwining is more intimate than thighs doing the same.

 

It's now that Lexa realizes that her hand is once again on Clarke’s hip. So she uses it to her advantages and rolls her hips to tell her to continue, because it's easier this way. It's easier to focus on the moment- this physical attraction only now being acted upon, then how warm her heart feels against Clarke’s.

 

Lexa’s mind tries to shut her down; tries to worry her out of this. Make her obsess over how she's never done anything remotely sexual with a girl let alone Clarke, but she doesn't let it. She doesn't stop this because Clarke is moaning her name; soft and sweet, and the familiar small twin size bed has never felt more spacious and warm. Lexa’s breathing is uneven and her voice keeps coming out in little whimpers and she finds herself wanting to kiss this girl more and more. Clarke’s lips are right there- just a few inches away. They're soft and pink and beautiful, and they're guilty for starting all of this. Lexa smiles small and can't help but slide her hands in Clarke’s hair and lean in as close as she could without their lips touching, "This okay?”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes but nods nevertheless, “I was waiting for you to do it, you idiot," she's smiling and it's just so effortless- the way she wrecks Lexa. 

 

 _I love you._ Lexa thinks when she sees Clarke’s teasingly smile. _God, I love you so, so much._ She would let Clarke wreck her. Fuck, she wanted Clarke to. She wanted Clarke to make it too hard for Lexa to bare it when their lips are only centimeters apart. She wanted it to hurt more when the heat of Clarke skin left hers. Lexa wanted it to be acceptable that Clarke is the only thing on her mind. 

 

The way Clarke’s lips press onto her's, and how she moves her thigh forward slow and steady, rolling her hips in timing of the languid kiss. Lexa thinks she's either shaking or Clarke is- maybe it's both of them or maybe it’s just Lexa overthinking again. Either way she's shaking, and her hand feels sweaty tangled up in Clarke’s hair.

 

Lexa makes a mental note to remember how it felt when Clarke’s nail accidentally scraped along her cheekbone when she deepened their kiss.

It gets even more overwhelming somehow when Clarke uses all of herself; their bodies rolling with pleasure and beauty. Lexa feels her heart jump up and down rapidly, losing her self control. Her thighs clenched around Clarke’s and the movement made the girl above her moan. Clarke’s head went back in a fury, her eyes shut and a quiet whisper of Lexa’s name on her lips. Her hands closed around Lexa’s shoulders, digging into the flesh.

 

Watching Clarke lose it like this, feeling her come along her thigh, is too much. Lexa grabbed Clarke’s hip and shuddered forward onto her thigh, everything going white. She bit hard on her lip until she felt someone's lips against her's. It's messy and frantic and Lexa gains her eyesight but she's sure she's lost the ability to move. She feels heavy and relaxed and like she couldn't form sentences, but when she looks at Clarke again, she knows that if she started explaining her perfection- she couldn't stop.

 

Clarke has a sleepy smirk above her, her lip between her teeth. Her hands are still on Lexa’s collarbones; like if she moves, everything will break. Lexa understands. This calm feeling of a long overdue admittance of attraction, this dull feeling of, _Maybe this is what okay feels like_ , is too much. It's so fragile, and Lexa’s ears feel like they're ringing. She starts to let her thoughts take over but instead she stared at the little freckle on Clarke’s cheek.

 

"Is it still raining?" When Lexa speaks she doesn't recognize her own voice- it's so wrecked and vulnerable. When Clarke speaks though, everything stops.

 

"Either way, you’re staying." There's more than one meaning to that and Lexa just shrugs softly, listening and hearing droplets fall against the window.

Lexa replies, "It's still raining, so we don't need an excuse in the morning."

 

Clarke chuckles a little, "So you _are_ staying, then?”

 

Lexa hums and opens her arms as far as she can without brushing the curtain. Clarke smiles and moves to lay along the wall, her leg across Lexa’s body. Lexa matches her breathing to Clarke’s and falls asleep with the girl's lips against her neck. It's beautiful.

 

 

“Lexa,” Clarke said, barely above a whisper.

 

Lexa was frozen in place. She was expecting Clarke to tell her that she should leave, that she’ll have to leave before the sun comes back up, and Lexa doesn’t want too. 

 

“Clarke, what are you doing-”

 

“Shhh…”

 

Clarke gently places a finger on Lexa’s lips, the contact making her breath hitch. Even though she was making her intentions obvious, they had never talked about what they would do when the consequences came. Now, they’re going down that road again. Lexa isn’t going to do anything stop stop it. Clarke lifts a leg and placed a knee on one side of Lexa. Lexa turns her face away, suddenly self-conscious. Clarke’s arms wrapped around her neck, pulling herself to within inches of Lexa’s face.

 

“What, are you shy now?” she cooed into Lexa’s ear.

 

Lexa’s heartbeat was going crazy again as Clarke scoots up, pushing their bodies together and resting her elbows on Lexa’s shoulders. Clarke pushed her hands through Lexa’s hair and nestled next to her ear. “I don’t want tonight to end.” Clarke whispers. 

 

Knowing that Clarke was sitting on her lap in nothing but thin panties made her want to rip off any clothing separating us but for some reason, Lexa’s confidence had left her. Clarke had caught her off guard and her bold attitude left Lexa feeling helpless. Lexa’s hands are gripping the bed as Clarke nibbled on her earlobe, making Lexa let out a little gasp. Clarke giggles at Lexa’s reaction and turned Lexa’s head in her hands to face her, pulling away a little bit. As their eyes met, Lexa feels desire shoot through her. Clarke has lust in her eyes but she was smiling, her white teeth flashing in the moonlight.

 

“You’re so cute when you’re nervous,” she said teasingly, her breath hot against Lexa’s face.

 

Lexa smiles then, trying to relax. It takes her a few seconds to form words with her trembling lips. “And you’re intimidating when you take control. I’m not used to it, it’s throwing me off.”

 

“Apparently I’m doing a good job,” Clarke says in a low, sultry voice. Her blue eyes studied Lexa’s face, glancing down at her lips.

 

Lexa tries to steady her breathing and brought her hands up to tangle in her unruly hair. Their lips a breath apart. For what feels like forever, nothing happens. Then they’re kissing again, “Lexa…” Clarke moans into her mouth.

 

Finally Lexa couldn’t take it anymore and pushed their open mouths together, her lips molding to Clarke’s and their tongues darting over each other. The kiss is sloppy and full of need, their hands at first ravishing each other’s hair before exploring their bodies. Lexa’s hands slip under Clarke’s shirt, sliding from her panties up to the middle of her back over hot skin. Her tongue still exploring Clarke’s mouth, she begins to unhook Clarke’s bra. Suddenly, Clarke pulls away from the kiss and grabbed both Lexa’s arms.

 

“Not so fast,” Clarke chides with a playful tone.

 

Confused, Lexa tries to kiss her again but she pulled back. She peeled off her robe, fully exposing the curve of her breast and her smooth shoulders. Desire overcoming Lexa again, trying to take her shoulder in her mouth but Clarke pushes her away, letting Lexa know that she can only watch. Slowly, refusing to break eye contact, Clarke undoes the clasp on her bra. She holds up the robe and let it fall to the ground, her chest still rising and falling from the intensity of the kiss. Starting from the thin fabric covering her center, she ran her hands up her stomach and over her breasts while letting out a sensual moan. Lexa’s own hands were in fists, jealous of Clarke’s thin delicate fingers tracing her curves and roaming over her shoulders. Lexa becomes acutely aware of the throbbing between her legs as Clarke’s hands traveled down her body once more to settle on Lexa’s thighs.

 

Clarke reaches behind Lexa, and grabs the bottom of Lexa’s sweater, pulling it over her head. Lexa’s hair falls over her eyes so she can't see Clarke’s face, but  she hears Clarke let out a rushed breath of fascination at her exposed body before Clarke.  Lexa moves her hair out of her face and saw Clarke’s eyes widen as she took Lexa’s breasts in her hands, kneading softly.

 

“Fuck,” Lexa grunted, throwing her head back. Lexa tried desperately to touch her too, but every attempt was met with a swat from her hand. Clarke pushes Lexa back on the bed, almost roughly, and took a breast in her mouth. Lexa moans in satisfaction as she swirled her tongue around her nipple, pinching her other between her fingers. Lexa’s center was growing hotter by the second, still under her panties and thick pajama bottoms. Clarke knows how sensitive Lexa is and is clearly using  it to her advantage, driving Lexa crazy with her tongue while torturing her by not letting Lexa touch her.

 

“Clarke, this isn’t fair,” Lexa said, almost laughing. Clarke smiles, amused at Lexa’s frustration while nibbling her nipple. Lexa furrowed her brow as Clarke repeated the action on her other nipple, trying to control herself by gripping the sheets. Finally, Clarke kissed the top of each breast and left a trail of open mouthed kisses up to Lexa’s jawline, before kissing Lexa gently on her lips. Lexa’s hands flew to the back of Clarke’s head as she opened her mouth to deepen the kiss. This time, Clarke doesn't try to pull Lexa hands away but maintained her control with her tongue, delving into her mouth with unbridled desire before sucking and nipping at Lexa’s bottom lip. Clarke brought her hands down to Lexa’s hips, applying pressure with her thumb just above the waistline of her pajamas.

 

Clarke’s knees stayed on either side of Lexa as she pulled down her pants and Lexa eagerly kicked them off. Clarke pulls away from the kiss and looks down at Lexa’s face, full of hunger. Her lips were swollen and red and her hair was a mess but she looked so stunning, Lexa could have cried. Clarke’s eyes pierced her with an exquisite lust and she bit her lip. Lexa feels a pang in her chest and wanted nothing more than to hold Clarke close to her, but Clarke breaks the stare and started her way down Lexa again, leaving haphazard kisses on her breast, her ribs, her stomach, her-

 

“Clarke!” Lexa cried out, gasping. Clarke looks up at Lexa with satisfaction on her face, her mouth still hovering over her center. All of her teasing had almost pushed Lexa over the edge and she was about to come with her panties still on. Lexa’s entire body was trembling as Clarke playfully licked her again over the fabric, making her hips buck under Clarke.

 

“These are cute,” Clarke remarked with a smile, referring to Lexa’s superman boy shorts. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment. Lexa hadn’t exactly dressed for a sexy night, but the cotton panties were drenched nevertheless. Clarke takes the red waistband in her teeth pulling down the boy shorts while locking her gaze with Lexa’s.

 

“Clarke…. Please….” Lexa breathed out, her chest heaving and her hair sticking to her face. A thin sheen of sweat had appeared on both of their bodies.

 

Without warning she covered Lexa’s entire center with her mouth, sucking on her clit before laving Lexa’s folds with her tongue and lips. Lexa gasps, pushed her head down farther, grinding her hips into her. Her warm mouth felt like heaven, sucking and swirling against her. After licking her with a flat tongue all the way up her center, Clarke brought her head up. Lexa whimpers, not wanting her to stop.

 

“Tell me what you want, Lexa,” she said boldly, her face shining and her mouth red.

 

“Fuck. I want you inside me,” Lexa gasped, hungrily.

 

Clarke thrust two fingers into her burning core as she brought her full lips back to Lexa’s straining clit. Lexa let out a cry as suddenly her legs were wrapped around Clarke, her hands grasping at the sheets, her body involuntarily curling up and lifting her back off of the bed. The only things in the world were her mouth, her hand, her moans matching Lexa’s as waves of pleasure washed over her. Clarke kept her hand in place, fingers curling against her sweet spot, her tongue swirling over Lexa’s clit, only stopping when Lexa’s cries became grunts and her hands were pulling Clarke off.

 

She licked Lexa one final time, her hips bucking as Clarke’s tongue grazed against her oversensitive clit. Breathing heavily, she crawled her way back up to Lexa. Lexa’s eyes were almost closed and Lexa felt and utterly spent, but most of all, Lexa felt completely hers. Clarke laid against her, their bodies molding to each other, and Lexa looks down at her, playing with a stand of Clarke’s hair.

“That was unexpected,” Clarke remarked with a sly smile.

 

“Maybe you should throw me onto the bed more often,” Lexa replied, still breathless.

 

“If you’re going to react like that every time maybe I will,” she retorted with a smirk, a mischievous glint in her blue eyes.

 

“I didn’t expect it either,” Lexa told her honestly. “I guess I-”

 

Smiling sweetly at Lexa’s lidded eyes, Clarke lazily kissed her.

 

“I need you more,” Clarke said, her words laced with passion.

 

Mustering her strength, Lexa flips them over. Her long, dark hair draped over both of them, her eyes still locked with Clarke’s. She positions her knee between Clarke’s thighs, massaging her center slowly. Her mouth opened in surprise, her face which minutes ago reflected power and control now yielding to her desire. Clarke tries to lean up to kiss her, but Lexa keeps her down with her hands on Clarke’s shoulders, giving her a sly smile. Clarke whines quietly then, knowing it’s Lexa’s own way of payback from earlier. 

 

Lexa’s intoxicating gaze pierced into me from above, her brunette locks framing her face and cascading around them. She was an absolute vision, even with her cheeks flushed red and her forehead glistening. Her pale skin reflected the moonlight, her luscious curves and taught muscles glowing.

 

This was more like the Lexa Clarke knew, taking control of the situation. Then again, Clarke has never seen this side of Lexa. And she’s not entirely convinced that she can live with only seeing it once.

 

 

Now it was Clarke’s  turn. Her frustration was mounting as Lexa explored her body with her eyes, biting her lip. She kept her hands on Clarke’s shoulders but she had her hands free to move the hair out of Lexa’s face, admiring her beauty as she lowered her face to Clarke’s breast. She kissed and sucked on the exposed skin, even leaving a love bite. Lexa wasted no time getting rid of Clarke’s panties, either. Lexa fit her arms under Clarke’s thighs, lifting Clarke’s center up to her mouth. Clarke moans at the sight.

 

“Lexa,” Clarke sighs, her hands gripping Lexa’s on top of her thighs. Lexa slows down for a few short seconds, only to grip one of Clarke’s hands, their fingers lacing together.

 

Lexa moved her plump lips to Clarke’s inner thigh, sucking and licking everywhere but where Clarke wanted her to. She was dripping at this point, whimpering in anticipation. Lexa smiles, enjoying watching Clarke squirm. They both let out a low moan as her lips latched onto Clarke’s clit and she moved her head in circles.  _Oh my God_ , _she’s good at this_. Clarke thinks, interlocking their hands again, wanting it to be enough to encourage Lexa. Clarke gasps at the foreign feeling but quickly pushed Lexa closer with her legs, trying to make her go as deep as possible. Clarke’s hips thrust even higher as she detached a hand from Lexa’s to tangle in her hair.

 

“Lexa, please,”  Clarke begs, her eyes shut tight.

 

She moved her head back and forth, trying to push her long tongue as deep as she could. Lexa brought her soft lips to Clarke once more, this time kissing so gently, Clarke could cry. Lexa’s hand traveled down to Clarke’s center, sliding up and down her slick folds painfully slowly. Clarke’s hands were touching every part of Lexa she could, traveling up her back to her soft curls as her lips were moving in rhythm with her hand. Then, all of the sudden Lexa pulled back and locked eyes with Clarke with a new tenderness. _I love you,_ Lexa thinks again _. I love you so fucking much, it hurts sometimes, Clarke._

 

The swelling of emotion only increased Clarke’s desire as Lexa’s hand continued its rhythm, building her up excruciatingly slowly. “Lexa,” Clarke sighed, as Lexa kisses her neck. Her fingers continued their rhythm, curled against Clarke’s sweet spot.

 

“Lexa,” Clarke whimpered. Sensing the urgency in her voice, Lexa increased her pace a little with her palm rubbing Clarke’s clit with every stroke. Lexa brings her head up to rest on Clarke’s forehead.

 

Clarke’s nails raked down Lexa’s back as her pace continued to build. Her long slender fingers were reaching to the core of her being, her nails were scratching all over Lexa’s back as she let out a string of moans. Finally, Clarke’s bucking hips forced Lexa out of her and she fell onto her side curled into a ball, completely overwhelmed.

 

“Clarke, are you okay?” Lexa asked with a soothing tone. Clarke couldn’t find it in her speak yet so she grabs Lexa’s arm and wrapped it around her. After a few minutes, Clarke turned so she was facing Lexa.

 

“That was really intense,” Clarke says with a chuckle.

 

“Yeah, I could tell,” Lexa replied, smiling. “I look like I mauled by a tiger.” she jokes, motioning to the long scratches on her arms and red marks where Clarke had grabbed her.

 

Clarke gently let her fingers run over the red marks carefully, “Sorry.” she mumbles, leaning down to kiss Lexa’s collarbone, where a few droplets of blood have appeared. 

 

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about.” 

 

They fall into a comfortable silence. After a while, Lexa leans in a leaves a small trails of kisses from her neck to the corner of her mouth, and Clarke has to bite back the words that have been on the tip of her tongue all night. _I love you._  

 

Half an hour later, Lexa lay against the blankets of the bed, running her fingers across Clarke’s damp sweat-covered skin, as the blonde girl curled into her embrace. “Still worth it?” Clarke murmured, her voice quiet, her words hushes against Lexa’s chest. She figures that it’s the safest alternative of telling Lexa that she loves her. 

 

“Only for you, Clarke.” Lexa replied as she pressed a kiss to the crown of Clarke’s head.

 

Just for tonight, Clarke’s satisfied with that answer.


	7. DKLA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ik lexa with glasses is everywhere but i couldn't resist

_Distance makes the heart grow fonder; said by someone stronger than me_

* * *

 

Clarke doesn't wake up alone, like she has gotten used to the past few weeks. Instead, Lexa’s a few inches away from me, her mouth slightly open as she sleeps. Her arm dangles off the edge of the bed, and in the night, Clarke’s sheets moved, Lexa’s long toned legs poking out. She’s sleeping on her back, and Clarke looks at the marks on Lexa’s back, smiling softly at the memory of Lexa teasing her about it.

 

Last night took such an unexpected turn, Clarke was so surprised when Lexa had boldly pulled her closer for a simple picture. Kissing her temple and whispering in her ear. They weren’t supposed to do that, but it had felt so right. Clarke was terrified, though. Lexa was putting everything she had worked for on the line. Clarke half expects someone to barge in on them, telling every little thing that is fucked up about their situation. Her heart felt like it was going to jump out of her chest when Lexa found her after Finn had encouraged her to go after Lexa, no matter what the consequences would be. A few minutes later, it was Lexa, as always, made her forget about them. 

 

 _“We can pretend for just tonight.”_ Lexa had whispered, her green eyes shinning in the dark room. _“Only you and I.”_  

 

Clarke almost wishes that it wasn’t enough to convince her. Her and Lexa would never be able to pretend for just a night. They’ve been trying to fool themselves their entire lives that nothing was happening between them; all the small touches and looks that lasted too long to be just friends, the constant need to be around each other isn’t only for one night. Clarke couldn’t have let Lexa believed that is what she deserved. Lexa was always putting herself down, even without realizing it. Clarke wants to tell Lexa that she’s so much better and stronger than she thinks. Clarke wishes that Lexa never drove them home last night. Maybe, for them, doing what they’ve always dreamed of was really the best option for them. Lexa, the only person that Clarke has truly loved. If Lexa left, a part of Clarke left, too. Clarke would do to make Lexa stay. No matter what the cost. But Lexa would never let her do that. They fight a lot in that sense. They refuse to let the other give up something for them. 

 

 _"S'not just tonight, Lex.”_ Clarke remembers telling Lexa, her hand resting against her cheek. Her breath was uneven, and their lips where inches apart. Lexa’s eyes were closed, and Clarke knows she was doing the same thing Clarke was. Telling herself that Clarke’s words were true; that maybe; just maybe, someday they could be together again. 

 

Last night didn’t happen because they were upset and shared a bottle of stolen liquor between the two of them, like most people would seem to think. It happened be Clarke loves Lexa- and having Lexa right next to her for one night- the one night they were supposed to be pretending that Lexa didn’t sign the papers, she couldn’t _not_ let it happen. Clarke doesn’t regret it. At least, not yet. She doesn’t dwell on that; because Lexa’s sleeping next to her peacefully and snoring slightly. She can bask in the feeling of what it would feel like to wake up next to Lexa like this. 

 

Clarke closes her eyes. Looking over at the time lets her know that they’ve got less than five hours of sleep last night. Clarke doesn’t mind. If anything, it gives her more time to be with Lexa. Her room is chilly, and she notices that her window is open just a crack, and she rolls her eyes. Lexa, most likely, had gotten up in the middle of the night just to open it. It was the little things like this that made Clarke fond of Lexa. Lexa had habits that didn’t seem normal, but they were the cutest things ever.

 

Her fingers find Lexa’s spine. Her skin is soft and warm underneath her touch, and Clarke faintly remembers Lexa talking about getting a tattoo there. _The first thing I'm doing when I turn eighteen._ Lexa had joked. Clarke wants to reach for her paint and draw some random painting on Lexa’s back, but she’s not sure if Lexa would be fond of waking up to her back covered in paint. Even then, Clarke didn’t want it to be a reason that Lexa leaves her bed. 

 

There’s creaking outside of Clarke’s door, and Clarke heart skips a beat. One of her parents are up, maybe both, probably to get ready for church. Clarke remembers them saying something yesterday about going, and that they planned on letting her and Lexa sleep in. Unless that plan had change, and her father never leaves the house without checking in on them. There’s another creak of floorboards, and this time, Lexa shifts. 

 

“Clarke?” Lexa mumbles, her voice raspy, and Clarke wants to tell her to shut up; even as Lexa’s fingers wrap around her hip, pulling her closer. Lexa doesn’t do anything else, expect push herself onto her elbows, looking at the door when she hears the second creak. Clarke has to tell herself that them getting caught is more important then the fact Lexa’s warmth has left her. Her brown hair falls down her shoulders, and they both stare at the door, waiting for more signals that Jake and Abby are moving around and could possible barge in any second. 

 

Then Lexa looks over at her, pushing her hair to the side as she kisses her bare shoulder. Clarke’s not sure what to think that Lexa doesn’t even care that Jake and Abby are awake, and most likely making breakfast downstairs. She should protest, tell Lexa to stop, but Clarke’s protest dies in her throat as Lexa nips at her skin gently. 

 

Sensing her worry, Lexa stops, “They left already. I heard the garage door close.” Then Lexa kisses her shoulder again, and her lips rest there. Nothing else happens. They don’t say anything, and Lexa doesn’t move. Clarke leans into Lexa’s embrace. 

 

“You sound tired.” Clarke mumbles back.

 

“Can you blame me? You wore me out last night.” 

 

Clarke blushes, and responds, “You know, we have about two hours until they come back.” Clarke whispers, and she can hear the smile in Lexa’s voice. 

 

“Is that so? I wonder what we could possibly do in that time.”  

 

They end up spending the entire time kissing. Nothing more; nothing less. Clarke can’t notice how when she starts to pull away, Lexa’s grip on her hand tightens a little bit, barely strong enough for Clarke to notice, and when Lexa opens her eyes, they immediately find hers, and Lexa mumbles something that Clarke doesn’t respond too, because she’s too captivated between looking at Lexa swollen lips or her eyes. 

 

Clarke phone goes off, and they both flinch at the sound. Lexa reaches for it, and almost answers it until she notices that it’s Abby who’s calling and hands it to Clarke, ignoring how her heart beats a little faster. “Hey, mom.” Clarke says as Lexa reaches for her shirt that Jake had given her, listening for a sign that Jake and Abby are on their way home. 

 

“Hey, Clarke. Your father and I are so sorry that we haven’t been able to come back home all day. I had an emergency surgery, and I’m on my way to LA right now, and your father’s stuck in a meeting…” 

 

Lexa ignores the rest as she notices that it’s two in the afternoon. Lexa could have only imagined what it would have been like if Abby had came home in a rush for an extra pair of scrubs. Or if Jake hadn’t been pulled into a meeting.  She tunes in again when she hears Clarke talking again.

 

“Wait, so you won’t be home until…?” Lexa smiles as she hears Clarke. She looks over at Clarke, and rolls her eyes. Clarke’s trying to sound concerned, and Lexa finds the entire situation hilarious. 

 

“At the latest, Monday night. And your father might not be able to come home, either. He has to help with planning all weekend.” 

 

“Oh.” Clarke, successfully, sounds disappointed this time. 

 

“I’m sorry, Clarke. Where’s Lexa?” 

 

“I think she’s at the field with Anya. I’ll let her know when she gets home, mom. Don’t worry.” 

 

“I left her a message. Tell her that when she sees my name, she’s supposed to hit the green button, okay?” 

 

Clarke laughs at that, and Lexa rolls her eyes again. “Alright, mom. I will.”  Clarke hangs up before Abby can say anything else, and Lexa groans. 

 

“I’m not _that_ bad at picking up my phone, am I?” 

 

“Well, you always pick up when I call,” Clarke responds. “You’re just good at playing favorites.” 

 

“I don’t play favorites. You’re just the easiest one to bare.” Lexa jokes, and Clarke dramatically rests her hand on her chest. 

 

“Hmm.” Clarke hums, as if she’s agreeing with her. Lexa sits up again, throwing her feet over the edge of Clarke’s bed, and Clarke’s hand grips her elbow. “Where are you going, Lex?” 

 

Lexa shrugs, acting nonchalantly, but seeing Clarke’s mood change so fast just because she had sat up is humorous to her, especially since Clarke’s frowning, and maybe Clarke’s a little too old to be frowning, but Lexa finds it adorable. 

 

“I’m taking a shower. I’m sure you’ve heard of it.”

 

Clarke gives her a look, and Lexa’s not sure of what to expect next. Clarke leans in to kiss her again, and Lexa’s not sure if she’ll ever get used to Clarke kissing her. Clarke’s lips are chapped and Lexa can feel a hint of a smile, and she pulls away. It wouldn’t have made a difference, because Lexa can’t pull her eyes off of Clarke’s lips. 

 

“Lexa? Clarke?” It’s Jake calling them, and Lexa doesn’t have time to be worried. Clarke just kisses her again before pushing her off the bed. 

“I guess you can go take your shower now.” Clarke says dramatically as Lexa picks up one of her socks- knowing that someone as attentive as Jake would notice the difference. 

 

“ _Now_ you want to get rid of me?” Lexa asks, and she can hear Jake’s footsteps on the stairs. 

 

“Lex, you’re lucky we have to share a bathroom, ju-”

 

Lexa leans down and presses a quick kiss to Clarke’s cheek, knowing that if she kisses Clarke’s swollen lips, she probably won’t be able to stop. And then Jake will find them. A disaster waiting to happen. “Just see what he wants. And I’ll see you later tonight, right?” 

 

“Don’t get any ideas, Lexa.” Clarke says as she closes the door in Lexa’s face. 

 

It turns out that Jake was only demanding that they go out to dinner. With Abby out of town for some emergency surgery, Jake said it was the perfect time to spoil them. If he notices the tension between Lexa and Clarke, he doesn’t say anything. Lexa tries to focus when Jake talks to her, but she can’t stop looking at Clarke and thinking about how stupid she is for signing the papers. And when Jake brings it up happily, Lexa feels guilty. She tries to reach his level of happiness, but she can’t help but focus on the disappointing look Clarke gets. After the last few hours of pretending that it didn’t happen is a slap to the face when Jake reminds them. 

 

If that wasn’t bad enough, when they get the mail, Lexa’s new birth certificate comes in, with Jake and Abby’s neat signatures and her sloppy one underneath theirs. Clarke barely looks at it, except to say congratulations, and Lexa feels sick. She stumbles up to her room, and on the middle of her bed, there’s two pictures of her and Clarke from the other night. The first one is of Lexa kissing Clarke’s temple, and the second is when Clarke’s looking up at her. Lexa laughs, wondering how Abby managed to get them developed so fast, and at the fact that Clarke’s angry at her in the second one. There’s a little note, and in Abby’s handwriting it says, _See it as an early christmas present._

 

For the next week, Lexa’s pondering exactly why Abby decided to print the pictures for her. 

 

Abby comes home Monday night. She doesn’t seem to think of anything of Lexa’s legs thrown over Clarke’s lap as she reads another book, watching as Clarke struggles to focus on her homework. There’s a football game playing in the background as Jake finishes up his blueprints, and Lexa has to tell herself that if Abby doesn’t say anything, her position is fine. Clarke looks up at her, only for a few seconds before she sighs and looks at her homework again. When Lexa starts to have trouble seeing the board, Abby forces her to visit the ophthalmologist. A few days later, a grumbling Lexa is walking around with glasses, much to Clarke’s humor. 

 

That weekend, Clarke basically forced Lexa to go over to Anya’s house. Their parents had brought up not seeing Anya around as much, and Lexa had to explain to them that her and Anya had broken up- and if the timing wasn't any worse, Lexa’s sure they would have turned to Clarke for an explanation. Lexa also had to spend and hour explaining that her and Anya were still friends, and that if she was honest, Anya was probably already sleeping with Raven. 

 

So, three weeks after homecoming, Lexa’s being dropped off at Anya’s house by Clarke, who threatens her with not being allowed to go into her room on Sunday night, and reminding her to cover up her neck when she gets home. Clarke probably has plans with Octavia, and Lexa hopes that Raven’s not over Anya’s, because she wasn’t able to give Anya a warning. 

 

Anya answers the door a few seconds after Lexa knocks. “Oh, look. It’s the virgin.” 

 

Lexa has to stop herself smiling, and shrugs. She still hasn’t gotten used to her glasses, and pushes them up her nose again, “Just be thankful I knocked this time. I don’t think you and Raven need anymore embarrassment.” 

 

Anya just rolls her eyes, “It’s not my fault that Nyko doesn’t listen when I tell him to not come home.” 

 

“It’s not his fault that he didn’t know you two were going at it on the living room couch,” Lexa shoots back. “I’m just glad I didn’t walk in on that.” 

 

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. It’s not my fault that Rave-” 

 

“Okay!” Lexa says, covering her ears dramatically. “I think I get it.” 

 

Anya just smiles, and Lexa barely hears her as she asks about Clarke, and it takes all of her willpower to not immediately say, _I love her. She’s great. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of her._

 

Lexa shrugs instead, “Clarke’s doing good, I guess.” 

 

“Lexa, you’re so bad at lying. I can _hear_ you smiling. Spill.” Anya says, crossing her arms over her chest, tapping her foot. 

 

“Oh, nothing,” Lexa says as she turns on the television. She knows that she’ll wind up telling Anya anyways. Anya was the one who told her she should go after Clarke. Even if Lexa told her, Anya understands the struggle of being in the foster care system and wouldn’t rat them out. But Lexa’s still afraid that if she talks about it, somehow, the entire world would find out. “You’ll just need to come up with a new nickname is all.” 

 

“WHAT?!” Anya shouts, sitting down next to her. “Lexa, c’mon, how will I tease you now? Wait. You and Clarke? Oh, my fucking god! I didn’t think you’d actually do it! You’re growing up so fast.” 

 

“An…”

 

“Lex, don’t worry. You know I wouldn’t tell anyone. I-”

 

“No, it’s not that. I think I love Clarke. I know I’ve always wanted to get adopted but Clarke… She’s just so much better, y’know? But I’ll never be able to tell her how I feel.” 

 

Anya laughs, “The system has never stopped you before, you’ve just never had enough courage. And judging on how nervous you get around Clarke, you’ll never be able to tell her.” 

 

Lexa doesn't respond. She’s not sure what to think of that. What if Clarke was waiting for her to say it? Out of the two of them, Lexa has always been the more sensitive one when it comes to their relationship. It’d be more likely if Lexa said it first. 

 

“Aw, that wasn’t supposed to make you feel bad, Lex. I’m just saying, Clarke would say it first.” 

 

* * *

 

That Monday, Lexa’s fist has another meeting with Niylah’s face. With Christmas Break rounding the corner, most of the students were just happy enough that they weren’t going to have to go to school for almost the next month and a half. Niylah, however, as always has other plans. 

 

“Hey, Clarke. I’m having a party this weekend. I’d really like it if you came over.” 

 

“Niylah, drop it. I’m not coming. I already regret sleeping with you enough as it is.” Clarke responds with a sigh as she closes her locker. Lexa was across the hall, talking to Anya and Raven, and she looks up in time to see Clarke looking at her. 

 

“Well, I just thought since Lexa’s officially adopted, you’re still not getting anything from her, so I figured why not?” 

 

Clarke looks back up at Niylah as she hears Lexa’s locker slam shut. Clarke doesn’t have to look tot know that Lexa’s shaking, and Anya’s probably in tow. “Niylah. I’m not sleeping with you again. Get over it.” 

 

“Hey. We have a problem over here?” Lexa asks, and Clarke watches as Niylah swallows nervously as Lexa steps between the two of them. Lexa has a good inch or two on Niylah, but in the moment, the difference looks so much bigger. 

 

“No. I was just inviting Clarke to my party this weekend.” 

 

“Why? So you can sleep with her again? Well, Clarke doesn’t want to. Get over yourself.” 

 

Clarke’s not sure who’s more surprised by what Lexa says. Her or Niylah. Lexa’s jaw is clenched, and she looks down at Niylah. Clarke waits for Lexa to say something else, but she doesn’t. 

 

“Sounds like you’re jealous, Lexa.” Niylah says. 

 

Clarke doesn’t look away when Lexa punches her, and Lexa turns on her heel, her face red, not even looking at Clarke as she pushes past a few kids who had stopped when they heard Niylah’s body hitting the lockers. Clarke doesn’t look back at Niylah, but chases after Lexa. 

 

“Lexa! Hey, Lex, wait!” Lexa ignores her, and Clarke sighs. She probably should give Lexa some space, but she can’t stand letting Lexa walk away, even if she knows they’ll make up. She seen Lexa walk away too many times now. 

 

Instead of calling after her again, Clarke follows her silently to their car. Lexa’s fuming. She paces in the middle of the parking lot, and Clarke wants to tell her to stop, or grab her hand and remind her that Clarke hasn’t though of Niylah in months, but Clarke knows better. Lexa’ll talk when she wants too. 

 

“I can’t stand her, Clarke.” Lexa finally says. “I really can’t. I… It’s selfish, but I hate the idea of you sleeping with anybody that’s not me. It just…” 

 

“I’m yours.” Clarke whispers, and Lexa looks up suddenly. Clarke knows that Lexa has never actually something to call hers. Her living with them wasn't her home, but it was the closest thing to it. Her and Lexa have had the conversation so many times, it’s branded in her mind. 

 

“What?” 

 

_Anything you want, I’ll give you. Anything it takes to make you stay. I’ll do that for you. I’m yours._

 

“I’m yours, Lexa,” Clarke steps closer. She knows it’s dangerous as she grabs Lexa’s hand in the middle of the parking lot, but nobody else is with them. Lexa looks down at her, her green eyes bright and surprised. Lexa opens her mouth to say something, but Clarke doesn’t give her the chance. “You don’t need to worry about me being with anyone else. I’m all _yours,_ Lexa _._ ” 

 

Lexa’s still shaking, and Clarke’s not sure of what to expect. Maybe she should have given Lexa the space she obviously needed, but over the past two months, even the idea of not seeing Lexa was too much to bare, so her favorite classes had become the worst part of her day, and lunch was a little easier, seeing Lexa across the room with Anya, and occasionally Raven dragging both of them over to their table. 

 

“Clarke, you shou-”

 

“I mean it,” Clarke says sternly. “I’m yours.” 

* * *

 

 _Clarke would love this_ , Lexa thinks hazily as she forces herself to open her eyes. Their white bedsheets are a tangled mess, but Lexa doesn't mind as she watches the sunset slowly, wishing that Clarke was still next to her. Her eyes flit to her desk, where Clarke's sketch book lays next to a pile of books Lexa has read in the past month. Lexa should get out of bed. She should get dressed and go back out into the real world. She should take a shower. Clarke's only been in the shower for a few minutes. It's not too late to go join her, but even the temptation of joining the blonde in the shower isn't enough to motivate her in that exact moment. She's happy. At peace. And she always feels that way with Clarke, but today is different. The past two months have made Lexa feel more at home than she has her entire life. Being able to lay next to Clarke while reading a book, or being able to wake up next to her without worrying. 

 

Okay, there was a lot of worrying. Jake and Abby have gotten more impatient waiting for Clarke to open her bedroom door, so Lexa’s gotten used to slipping underneath Clarke’s bed and having to listen to Clarke’s parents- _her_ parents remind Clarke that they’re supposed to be sisters and that they’re worried that they’re forgetting that Lexa can’t sneak into her room anymore. Since Jake and Abby basically decided they couldn’t be alone anywhere, Lexa was sure that she was going to have to burn her renewed birth certificate that sat on her dresser. Clarke, of course, wouldn’t let that happen.

 

So, they ended up moving to the shitty tree house Jake had built for them when they were seven years old. And then, when Clarke had almost sprained her ankle because Lexa wasn’t paying attention, they moved to the car. The car was a disaster. Anya catching them in the backseat because Lexa was late for a soccer match was almost as bad as been caught by Jake as she walked away, saying, “Stay protected. And don't let your parents know that your car smells like sex.” 

 

They gave up on being secretive. Well, not completely. With Jake and Abby getting busier at work again, they don’t have to be as careful around the house, and since it’s christmas break, they don’t have worry about something slipping at school.

 

With a sigh, Lexa sits up, running her finger through her hair. They have been in bed all day, after all. After Lexa made them breakfast like she started doing every weekend after Jake and Abby leave for work, and they decided to blow off any plans they had with their friends. They knew Anya could manage to keep them contained. For a while. Lexa's surprised that a nosy Raven and Octavia haven't made their way to their house, storming into Clarke’s room, or that Anya hasn't blown up her phone notifications.

 

She almost leans back into her pillow and closes her eyes, but she doesn't want to fall back asleep, so instead she forces herself to her feet and into the bathroom. There's a pair of paint covered jeans on the floor from Clarke's latest project, and Lexa smiles fondly at the memory of Clarke refusing to let Lexa come into her room, and when Lexa had managed to slip through the doorway, she was greeted with a flushed Clarke, her white shirt and jeans covered in paint. Lexa ended up getting paint on herself, too. 

 

Lexa pushes the curtain back slightly and Clarke just smiles when she sees her. "How nice of you to join me." Clarke teases, and Lexa responds by kissing the tip of her nose.

 

"Well, I am helping us benefit earth by conserving it's water," Lexa responds as Clarke rolls her eyes. "And I really wanted to see you naked again," Lexa pauses and shrugs, "I guess." She adds nonchalantly, causing Clarke to smile.

 

"Oh, okay, I might have to see what I can do about that, then." Clarke replied with a cheeky grin as Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke's waist. Lexa doesn't regret starting this relationship with Clarke. Having to hide wasn’t a big issue. Her and Clarke were remotely private people, and while they both enjoyed the rush on most days, and they had already formed a schedule. School. On Monday’s and Thursdays, Lexa has soccer practice. Clarke was able to paint. If it’s a Wednesday, they have to be in the living room doing homework on opposite sides of the room as Jake walks through the door at 5:30. On the weekends, Abby has two morning surgeries and Jake plays golf. Abby usually ends up joining him at the clubhouse, leaving her and Clarke alone. Lexa hums in response, and begins to drop open mouth kisses from behind Clarke's ear, down along her neck and across her shoulder. 

 

They stood silently for a minute, Lexa running her hands over Clarke abdomen, where there were still some traces of paint. It was one of Lexa's favorite things about Clarke- no matter how many times Clarke cleaned up, there always seemed to be a hint of paint left behind. It's become something that Lexa finds endearing, and if there's no traces of paint, somethings wrong. It was a comfortable silence, one that came from years of shared experience and intimacy. But as the seconds dragged on, that comfort eased into a familiar heat that laced every caress with purpose. Lexa's lips soon moved guided by an even baser need, as she kissed along Clarke's shoulder, back up to her ear.

 

"You know, you're missing a great sunset right now." Lexa murmurs, knowing it was one if Clarke's favorite parts of the day. Most of the time, Clarke manages to sketch something after, and Lexa loved watching- even if it was a drawing that Clarke ended up crumbling and throwing it to the side- she saved it. It was also Lexa's favorite part of the day, partly because it happens every night, but it's never the same. But mostly because Clarke manages to capture that.

"Hmm. Are you going to tell me what it looks like?" Clarke asks, resting her head against Lexa's chest.

 

Lexa almost sighs- because she's terrible at explaining things like that for Clarke, and it's Clarke's job to do it, "Well, it burned my eyes because I looked at it too long," Lexa knows Clarke rolls her eyes, and she smiles slightly, before going on, "But you know how it is. You can see the city, and th-“

 

"Was some of it pink?" Clarke murmurs, and Lexa racks her brain to recall.

 

"Yeah, there was a lot of pink. And then I thought about how much you'd like it. So I came here and joined you for your shower just to tell you all about it." Clarke presses a kiss to her collarbone, and Lexa smiles slightly. She should leave, cook the dinner she promised Clarke,  since Jake and Abby won’t be home until late, but she rather stand here with Clarke until the run out of hot water. Lexa closes her eyes when Clarke starts to scratch her hip, not harsh, but a gentle graze up and down. It's a familiar feeling- and Lexa briefly wonders what it would be like if it wasn't, but quickly shakes it from her mind, because it means that it wouldn't be Clarke in the shower with her- and she doesn't want that.

 

Lexa finds herself pressing another kiss to Clarke's shoulder- more urgent then the last, her grip tightening around Clarke, and Clarke notices, turning around to face her, with a small smile. “I’m right here, Lex." Clarke whispers before kissing her, a long lingering kiss that still manages to make Lexa's head spin and smile like a kid when Clarke pulls away. Lexa didn't want to leave before- and she certainly doesn't want to now, but she pulls away from Clarke, grabbing a towel and kissing her again while mumbling something about cooking dinner.

 

Clarke joins her a little less than ten minutes later, wearing nothing but one of Lexa's old soccer jersey (that they kept at Clarke's request of course) and a pair of underwear. Lexa can only roll her eyes, already knowing that tomorrow will be the same as today, and she doesn't mind.

 

"Soooo," Clarke says, sitting on the counter, "What's for dinner?”

 

"We're out of fresh food so I decided to play a game of 'let's see what's left and is edible'," Lexa responds, opening a container of left over spaghetti from a few days ago. "It hasn't gone well so far." Lexa adds, and Clarke just shrugs, taking the container out of her hands.

 

"I have dibs on the spaghetti then.”

 

They end up sharing the spaghetti while curled up on the couch and watching some shitty vampire movie. The rest of the world doesn't exist. Lexa's head in Clarke's lap as Clarke braids her hair, and Lexa struggling to keep her eyes open. Clarke chuckles at the sight, because no matter where they are, Lexa always somehow manages to fall asleep while she braids her hair.

 

Lexa doesn't fall asleep this time, and grabs Clarke's hand when she's done, kissing her fingers gently while tiredly saying, "Thank you." Clarke's response is a kiss on Lexa's cheek. They spend the next few hours in a comfortable silence, and stumble back into their, well _Clarke’s_ room when Lexa decides she can't stay awake anymore.

 

Lexa tugs Clarke's pillow forward and tuck her arms under it, pressing her cheek into a cocktail of perfume and shampoo that turns the flip into some kind of disastrous traipse trick. "Comfortable?" Clarke asks.

 

"Hmm." Lexa responds, and she doesn't even have time to slip underneath the covers before the bed is dipping as Clarke settles on top of her with a knee on either side of her hips.

 

"I knew you were pushing yourself too hard today." Clarke chides, moving Lexa's hair out of the way before resting her hands at the base of her neck. Lexa's about to argue that they were in bed all day, but with Clarke's thumbs brushing over skin, she presses down and kneads the knots there, making her grunt. “Hurts?"

 

"Fine," Lexa mutters, face contorted against the sting and Clarke decides to keeps going. Working around in circles until the tightness gives and the tension eases. She blows out a breath. "And I was with you." Clarke's chuckle is a low hum as her hands move across Lexa's covered shoulders.

 

"You're always with me, Lex." Lexa doesn't know what to say to that, because Clarke's right. They're inseparable. They're not the type of couple who's always touching or ditching their friends just to be together, because they really can’t, but they probably do more things together than necessary. Lexa stays quiet and fiddles with the material of the pillow case from the underside, unseen, as silence falls over them. It lets Lexa's mind drift, though not far, and she finds herself concentrating on Clarke's hands and the press of her thighs. The way heat spreads across her back, wherever Clarke touches. It's nice; soothing. Definitely one of the many perks to having Clarke as a girlfriend, because there's no way she'd let a perfect stranger put their hands on anybody she cares about, she has no idea where they've been.

 

 

"Well, I mean-" Lexa starts, but Clarke cuts her off anyway, fingers mapping a pressure trail toward the base of her spine.

 

"Do you have any idea how attractive you are?" If the sincerity in the question hadn't knocked Lexa off her feet, the sudden feel of Clarke's hands on her bare skin definitely did it. Beneath the pillow, her arms stiffen and she balls her hands into tight fists, slamming her eyes shut again.

 

"I hope that I am, since we've been dating for almost four months, right?" Lexa knows Clarke's enjoying this- knowing full well just how much of an effect she has on her. She's never really thought of it before- and she didn't feel like thinking about it before. Her and Clarke didn't really need to have this conversation. Her and Clarke ended up together because that's what happened.

 

A vaguely disapproving hum comes from behind her and her hair stands on end, goosebumps crawling along her back and neck, chased by Clarke's hands. She wasn't aware of how shallow her breathing is until she can suddenly hear it, and the pounding of her heart, like it's being amplified. Lexa knows she's making this a bigger deal than it should be, that Clarke's touches are nothing but innocent, but it's Clarke. Clarke always has an effect on her, no matter what she does.

 

"I don't tell you enough. You tell me everyday, but I never tell you." Clarke says above her and it's as Lexa parts her lips to take a steadying breath that Clarke's thumb finds a knot, and presses down. The groan is out before Lexa can stop it, and Lexa drives her face into the pillow in an attempt to muffle it, as well as hide her red cheeks. She can only imagine how proud Clarke's of the affect she's having on her right now. Lexa can imagine Clarke just wanting to see how long she can last, and Clarke mumbles something that she misses.

 

"You're hot, Lex." Lexa hears that just fine though, Clarke's matter-of-fact tone clear as day. She wonders why Clarke's so insistent on the topic. "You're super hot. Not just your looks." Clarke assures. Hesitantly, Lexa mutters an awkward "thank you" that Clarke happily accepts, before running her hands down to her hips where she holds them still. She taps her thumbs a few times, then pulls her hands away completely to leave Lexa feeling cold, but that doesn't last long. Before Lexa can ask what she's doing, Clarke is leaning over her, her chest pressing into her back and stealing the question away. "You know," she murmurs, "I bet it'd would feel better without the shirt." And she tugs at the end of Lexa's sleeve for emphasis.

 

"You're just looking for an excuse for me to take my shirt off." Is Lexa strained argument, one that Clarke neither admits or denies; just presses a smile to her shoulder and then straightens. Clarke trails her hands to the hem of Lexa's shirt, where she toys with the material.

 

"Only if you want to, Lex. I know we've done stuff like this before but if it makes you uncomfortable, don't." She sounds different now, not scared or sad, but something. Apologetic maybe, worried she's crossed a line again. Which, since Homecoming, there hasn't been a line to cross. Her and Clarke had no lines. It was just the two of them, getting as much time as they could with eachother. Lexa pauses, biting at my lower lip. 

 

"Do you want me to?" Lexa asks eventually, knowing if it got worse, Clarke would want too talk about it. They always do this. No matter how many times they've been together. Gentle kisses and touches, and seeking approval.

 

"Yes." Clarke doesn't hesitate for a second.

 

"Yeah?" Lexa teases, finally able to say something that won't embarrass herself, hoping that the teasing tone will remind Clarke that's she's comfortable. She inhales quickly and lifts herself a few inches off the bed with her forearm. Just enough so she can reach for the back of her collar to tug her shirt forward.

 

"Better." Clarke says as she brings both hands to her right shoulder. 

 

"It's fine." Lexa murmurs, afraid to say anything else, afraid that if she says anything, it'll ruin the comfort between them. She wants to ask what's bothering Clarke, but then she doesn't want to pressure her. Lexa settles on biting her lip again and burying her face back into her pillow.

 

"Good." Clarke replies. 

 

"It's not fair," Lexa says, into her pillow, her voice shaking slightly. "How good you are at this.”

 

"You're just being dramatic, Lexa." Clarke says, but Lexa can hear her smile.Her hands start to move again, "You just really like it." Clarke teases, causing Lexa to roll her eyes.

 

"Only because you're an overachiever at everything you do," Lexa says. "And I'm an amazingly supportive girlfriend." 

 

 _Girlfriend._ It hangs in the air, and Lexa buries her face deeper into hers- well, Clarke’s pillow and almost groans. They aren’t dating. Right now, they’re being teenagers who are ignoring what everyone has been telling them. That they’re sisters, that it’s wrong for them to be doing this, and Lexa’s tired of it. She just wants to be able to call herself Clarke’s girlfriend once or twice. 

 

“Oh, so now we’re dating?” Clarke teases. Lexa would normally counter something back, but this time, she keeps quiet. It always hits her at the wrong times; the feeling that she could never be good enough. She causes enough trouble already, and now she’s with Clarke, throwing away everything Jake and Abby have done for her, and it’s so selfish, Lexa’s starting to hate herself for it. 

 

Clarke fingers play trace shapes her shoulder, following random line, around and around, with a touch so feather-light it's maddening. Tickles. But not enough for Lexa to want her to stop. So she just keep flexing and clenching my hands under the pillow again, and try not to move. 

 

They could be letters for all Lexa knows; She really doesn't care. Clarke could be permanently marking Lexa with drawings, and she wouldn't stop her. And Clarke already has. Whenever Clarke's gone, Lexa finds herself tracing a finger behind her ear where Clarke kisses has been kissing her even few minutes for the past four months days, or her forearm where she either traces or colors on. 

 

"I wonder..." Clarke hands feel like they're everywhere at once, her voice a velvet whisper inside Lexa's head, "If it has a lasting effect.”

 

 _You already have a lasting effect. You know that_ , Lexa thinks as fingers wander to the sheer fabric of Lexa's bra strap and Clarke's nails catch purposefully on the hooks. "What do you think, Lex?" And then she's there again, breasts pressing lightly into her back as warm breath drifts over the nape of her neck. 

 

"Maybe it does." Lexa responds immediately. Clarke unsnaps the clasp on the first try and with just one hand, and then her hands are back, a gentle touch at Lexa's elbow, then her shoulders, meeting in the middle and wandering downward in a lazy manner. Maybe it's a sign they've gotten too used to this; that they're not being as careful as they should be, but Lexa doesn't care. She can't remember the last time she hasn't care about someone that wasn't Clarke.

 

 

"You have really soft skin," She comments from behind Lexa, almost conversationally, and Lexa lets out a weak chuckle. "I mean, I knew that, but..." Clarke trails off it's flattened beneath the weight of Clarke as she falls forward again, hands on either side of Lexa, and leaves a single kiss at the base of her neck.

 

"You always smell good, too." Clarke adds, and another kiss. Firmer this time and placed at the juncture of Lexa's neck and shoulder. She's sure Clarke's going to the reason of her premature death.

 

The ends of blonde hair glide over her skin as Clarke turns her head to press a kiss to the same spot on the opposite side and when Lexa gives in and release the whimpering shambles of an exhale, Clarke's mouth becomes bolder. The line of Lexa's shoulder is dotted with kiss after kiss, leaving her head spinning.

 

 

Clarke drops her forehead to rest between her shoulder blades and breathes out, “I… I think I love you, Lexa.”

 

"No," Lexa immediately regrets the word that pushed its way out of her mouth- especially because it's not what she wanted to say, not even close. She just wants Clarke to stop for a few seconds so she can look at her. Clarke's thumb strokes small circles at her hip, just above the rise of her pants. Maybe Lexa was wrong. There's one more line they can cross. They just did.

 

"Lexa. Are you okay?" Lexa can hear the pain in Clarke's voice when she's asks, and her chest tightens. She didn't want Clarke to pull away or feel like she's done something wrong.

 

"I..."

 

Lexa lies back, her eyes find Clarke and the expression being framed by her slightly curly hair is indescribable. Lexa can't find any word that fits, though there are many she can probably use. 

 

Clarke runs the tip of her fingers through Lexa's hair. Then over the line of her jaw and across her neck, where they stop. They tap a short rhythm against Lexa's collarbone before moving on and Lexa watches the way Clarke follow the path of her fingers. They walk along her shoulder to where the strap of her bra has slipped down and she frowns, "Are you okay, Lexa?" Clarke asks carefully, about to push it back up when Lexa lifts her hand to touch the underside of Clarke's elbow. Her blue eyes snap to hers then, and Lexa has to take a steadying breath before she can compel the words to leave her.

 

"I didn't mean it like that. I don't want you stop. I love you, too. I-" Lexa's mind flits back to the small box hidden in her drawer, and she wants to ask the question that's been sitting on the tip of her tongue for months now, but she sighs instead. "I'm just tired.”

 

Clarke hasn't moved an inch since Lexa last spoke, her hand still hovers in place at the bra strap and attention still centered on her face. The air between them feels thick, filled with static, and Lexa's almost positive that if one of them doesn't say or do something in the next five seconds her skin is actually going to crawl right off of her body. But Clarke doesn't say anything, and Lexa bites her lip in anger, looking away.

 

"Don't worry about it, Lex." Clarke finally says then, just like that, it's the same thing. No matter how many times they've been together, it always starts with the same gentle touches and slight uncertainty.

 

Lexa has the need to lean forward and kiss Clarke, to run her hands softly over her hip, still upset the way earlier turned out. Lexa hands find Clarke's thighs, pulling her closer before leaning forward a little, just enough to press a kiss to Clarke's collarbone.

 

 _Please forgive me_ , Lexa silently begs, knowing that Clarke understands. It's what they do after they fight. Even before they had gotten this close. Lexa always asked for Clarke to forgive her. 

 

“Lex-"

 

Clarke stops when Lexa leans up this time, kissing her cheek, barely missing the corner of her mouth.

 

_I'm sorry._

 

Lexa hesitates before kissing her gently on the lips, _I love you_. She pulls away after a few short seconds, their lips barely brushing, noses bumping. In the past four months, its happened so many times before, Lexa knows exactly what to expect. _Don’t go._

 

After a few seconds, Clarke nods and lowers her gaze and, a moment later, Lexa feel palms brushing the top of her forearms. Fingers work their way under her hands and Clarke turns one over, taking it in both of her own and starts tracing more patterns. Lexa can practically hear her thoughts turning, over and over.

 

It doesn't take long for Clarke to convince Lexa that things are fine, and they’re back into their previous position, Lexa wrapping her arms around the pillow again, waiting for Clarke's eager touch.

 

"I want to try something," Clarke whispers.

 

Lexa closes her eyes again, inhaling sharply, wondering if it's what has been bothering Clarke this entire time, "Clarke, if you're choosing now to have a kink, I swear to g-“

 

"Shhh," Clarke murmurs, leaning forward to kiss the back of her neck. "Calm down, Lex. It's nothing like that. I promise.”

 

"Can we try it a different day?" Lexa asks softly, hoping not to disappoint Clarke, not sure if she really wants to try anything new right now- it's one in the morning for God sakes. But when Clarke shifts, Lexa regrets it, grabbing blindly for her hand. "Actually, why not? Do anything you want to do." Lexa murmurs.

 

"Are you sure?”

 

Lexa nods in response even though she's struggling to keep her eyes open, only the sound of Clarke's voice keeping her awake. She's surprised when the warmth of Clarke starts to leave her, and she lets out a whine, "Clarke, wh-“

 

"Coming right back. Promise." Clarke says quickly, smiling widely and climbing off of Lexa. For a few seconds, Clarke disappears from Lexa’s line of sight. Clarke's back quickly, and Lexa doesn't even bother asking what she's up to when she smells paint.

 

"What should I paint?" Clarke asks, her hands tracing shapes on Lexa's bare back again, and Lexa sighs deeply, trying to think of something that Clarke hasn't painted, even though she knows Clarke has painted everything at one point or another.

 

"Anything that inspires you, love." Lexa finds herself mumbling sleepily, and she rubs her eyes, trying to stay awake. She wants to see the look on Clarke's face when she finishes painting. She knows that it probably won't happen. Clarke wore her out today.

 

"You don't mind if I paint on you, do you?”

 

"I'm yours. Anything you want." Is Lexa's response, and Clarke leans forward again, pressing another kiss to her shoulder, trying to think of something that Lexa would like. Lexa lifts her head, trying to look back at Clarke. Clarke knows that she can do anything she wants- she already has Lexa's undying support, even if it's using her back as a canvas, Lexa doesn't mind. Instead, she feels more awake, excited to see what Clarke will come up with.

 

"Okay. Try not to move, okay?" Lexa nods, resting her head against Clarke's pillow again, closing her eyes as Clarke's nails drag across her skin gently, and Lexa knows that she's planning carefully, creating an outline in her mind.

 

Lexa shivers when Clarke's hands are cold, covered in paint. Clarke mumbles a sorry, but doesn't stop. Clarke's always been better at challenging her emotions into her art, and when there's a stroke on her shoulders, Lexa wonders if its green or blue, wondering what Clarke has on her mind in this exact moment. She tries to ask Clarke- genuinely curious, but Clarke just shushes her, kissing her cheek and promising her that she'll tell her later. Lexa eventually gives up, and falls asleep shortly after that.

 

It gives Clarke time. She knows Lexa's asleep, the slow, deep rise and fall of Lexa's back, and Clarke bites her lip nervously. She's used to tracing an outline before painting, or having a specific goal in mind, but this time she didn't- and she was reminded of Lexa's eyes. Green. The most beautiful shade of green Clarke has ever seen- and that's how she spends the next hour, letting her hands do the work, not really making the connections or paying attention to what she's doing- and it's been a while since Clarke has felt this carefree with her art.

 

Clarke doesn't bother to get up and wash her hands when she's done. Instead she switches the light off, and out of habit, she feels Lexa wrap her arm protectively around her waist, and Clarke reaches for her hand, closing her eyes. 

 

Both girls fall asleep with a smile on their faces.

 

* * *

 

When Clarke wakes up, Lexa isn't there, but the dried paint on her hands reminds her what happened last night. The sun is shining through their window- leave it to Lexa to always forget to close the curtains.

 

Clarke contemplates on getting up, but before she can make a decision, Lexa barges into their room, her curly hair pushed to the side, wearing simple jeans and a white blouse, two cups of Starbucks in her hand and a paper bag in her mouth. Clarke can't help but laugh at the sight, and Lexa rolls her eyes, setting the coffee on the nightstand next to her.

 

“Passion fruit tea or something, right?" Lexa asks, kissing the tip of her nose as she hands it to her before adding, "You're up early, love.”

 

“After years of living with me, you still can't remember my Starbucks order?" Clarke teases as Lexa sighs, and as she turns around Clarke can see a bit green poking out of Lexa's collar on her neck, and she smiles.

 

"Well, I can always take it back," Lexa responds as she pulls off her jeans, sliding back underneath the blankets, starting to unbutton her blouse. "I got you the right bagel, though," Lexa mumbles. "I think.”

 

"Thank you." Clarke says, and Lexa's already pulling off her bra, pulling the blankets up to her chin.

 

"Hmm. No problem. Did you finish painting last night?" Lexa asks curiously, looking at her intensely- the way she does whenever she asks Clarke about her art, and Clarke nods in response. "What did you paint? You'd promise you'd tell me all about it.”

 

Clarke doesn't recall promising Lexa that, but she remembers wanting to taking a picture with her phone, knowing that Lexa would ask her about it. Clarke never got around to it. She grabs her phone.

 

“Hey, Lex. I need you to lay on your stomach again.” Clarke says, and Lexa eyes the phone in her hand.

 

“Clarke, what ar-“

 

“I just want to take a picture of your back, relax.” Clarke says, and Lexa sighs, but listens to Clarke’s request anyways. Clarke places her hips on either side of Lexa again, and snaps a photo quickly. “Maybe you can do that thing with your hands again.” Lexa mumbles, and Clarke laughs, leaning forward to whisper in her ear. 

 

“I’ve got different plans. It’s our last day before mom and dad are off from work.” Clarke mumbles against Lexa’s neck, the only part of her back she didn’t paint last night. 

 

“Nope. Not until you tell me what you painted,” Lexa says, twisting her hips to look up at Clarke. And Clarke doesn’t want to talk about what she painted, not when Lexa’s underneath her, doing that thing with her eyes and her hair. 

 

"I, uh, I painted the forest," Clarke says with a shrug, "Because I was thinking about you, and well, you told me to paint something th-“

 

“I’m sure whatever it is, I’ll love it.” Lexa says with a proud smile, and Clarke finds it endearing. Lexa hasn't even seen it. 

 

“Yeah, bu-”

 

Lexa cuts her off with a kiss, content with the answer, and Clarke's thankful for the distraction. She can talk about her art. But if it was inspired by Lexa, which most of it is, she still gets nervous when she tells her about it. Clarke then deepens the kiss quickly, pulling away to kiss Lexa's neck. Lexa, however, holds her hands up and firmly places them on Clarke's chest to prevent her from getting too near.

 

"And here I was thinking you wanted to spend some quality time with me," Lexa says, laughing when she sees Clarke's confused expression.

 

Clarke's expression quickly changes to a smile when she replies, "I do want to spend some quality time with you," she pushes Lexa down again, her blonde hair falling around them in a curtain. Lexa smiles sheepishly when Clarke's bright blue eyes meet her green ones- already anticipating Clarke's next move. "In bed." Clarke adds with a shrug.

 

Lexa's hands are shaking as she grabs Clarke's hips, bringing her lips to Clarke's. They are already panting and it has only been seconds. The exhilaration and excitement flows between them, pulling them together as Lexa feels her bite her lip, hard. Lexa pulls back slowly, her eyes staying closed just a bit longer to savor the moment before Clarke completely let loose on her.

 

Her hands go for Clarke's hair but Clarke’s own hands grab both of Lexa's wrists, pinning them above her head. She allows her blue eyes to burn into hers yet refuse to speak, Clarke doesn't have to. Lexa knows exactly what is going on in her head. Her cheeks heated up and turned a bright pink while her green eyes stay glued to Clarke's lips.

 

Still holding her hands to the bed, Clarke leans in closer, allowing her lips to kiss right under Lexa's ear. It is her weakness, something Clarke had discovered shortly after they started dating- and has used it ever since- because her response is consistent. Feeling her lips on her ear, and Clarke feels her long legs tremble, a breath of air escaping her lungs and leaving her throat. It's filled with lust and desperation, the perfect combination to fuel Clarke's fire.

 

She leans forward again, this time kissing Lexa's bare collarbone, letting go of her hands. “I figured I’d give you a break today, Lexa.” Clarke whispers, and Lexa groans playfully. 

 

“I just wanted to read today.” Lexa says, and Clarke rolls her eyes, but stays in her position, knees on either side of Lexa. 

 

“Okay,” Clarke responds. “Read.” 

 

An hour later, it’s getting hard for Clarke to focus.

 

 _Really_ hard. Because straddling her girlfriend’s lap mid-sentence seemed like a great idea when she was halfway to winning an argument and getting way too cocky about it. In hindsight, though? Clarke hadn’t really thought it through.

Lexa still has her glasses on, holding onto her copy of _True Grit_ with a tight grip. Somewhere in the back of Clarke’s mind she remembers that it’s one of Lexa’s favorites. Not that she’s showing any indication of this as the tips of her fingers go white from the way she clutches the cover like it’s the only thing keeping her grounded, and maybe it is. Her eyes are trained on Lexa, her mouth hanging half open. Clarke can see the tip of her tongue threatening to lick at her lips but Lexa is frozen. Which is good, that means she’s not arguing and in no way winning the best ice cream flavor debate. That’s not to say Clarke isn’t about to.

 

She doesn’t stop moving against her. “Mint chocolate chip even looks fake.” Clarke bites her lip and grinds into Lexa’s lap. “It’s all uh, it’s all food coloring. And its weird that you can tell. Like, make it natural.” 

 

She’s not even sure Lexa is registering her words. Her hands start to slip and the book slides down to rest on her chest, her fingers never releasing their grip on the pages. Clarke takes it as a challenge and picks up the pace of her movements. 

 

“Whatever you say, love.” Is Lexa’s small response, and Clarke frowns. Today’s their last day to not being worried about getting caught, and Clarke had really hoped it would be filled with other actives, not Lexa reading her favorite book. Again.

 

They’ve been at this for at least five minutes now, and the friction is starting to get to her, which means it’s definitely getting to Lexa. Lexa’s finally looking at her, over the frame of her new glasses, and she’s got this look that Clarke’s not sure what it means. Lexa barely smirks, and Clarke wants to say something else, but she doesn’t. 

 

Clarke’s grip on the headboard tightens when she grinds down _just right holy shit_ and she’s really glad that she wasn’t talking because she can barely contain the moan caught in her throat. Clarke grips the wooden frame and adjusts her knees, spreading her legs a little more.

 

More contact is good. More contact is always good. More contact feels _so good._ Not being able to touch Lexa is a nightmare. She picks up her speed, rocking back and forth into Lexa until she can hear the bed start to squeak. (Which is unsurprising, she’s slept in this twin sized bed since she was four years old. It’s not built to withstand two sexually frustrated teenage girls. _Especially_ at the rate they’ve been going at it for the past two months.)

 

She ducks her head because _holy shit_ and her hair falls in her face. Clarke steadies herself against the headboard with one hand while she uses the other to push her hair out of the way. “And pecan is just nutritionally the better op-” 

 

It’s then that Lexa decides to move for the first time, her hips bucking against Clarke’s and she can’t control her words anymore, letting out a breathy, “ _Fuck, Lexa_.” Clarke takes a deep breath and slips out, “The better option,” between thrusts like there was never an interruption.

 

Clearly she doesn’t pull it off because it doesn’t work. Lexa casts her book aside, fully participating now. Her hips push upwards in tandem with the press of Clarke's and her hands move to grip Clarke by the waist. They squeeze at her sides and pull at her shirt, which Clarke decides is completely unacceptable. Lexa isn’t playing fair and they’re getting dangerously close to addressing the fact that this is actually happening. Two can play at that game.

 

Clarke pushes back from the headboard and the shift of her weight assists in an agonizingly slow grind. Almost out of habit, she pries Lexa’s hands from her sides and presses them back into the pillows by Lexa’s head, lacing their fingers together and holding tightly. Lexa lets her, even bites back a moan and Clarke is starting to realize this is exactly what she wants, what they both want. It could almost be romantic, the way they need each other. She makes a mental note to find it endearing later that night when she isn’t completely blinded by lust.

 

They were arguing about something, and she knows later they’ll pick up the argument again later because _when have they not_ but right now it feels irrelevant and pointless and all kinds of insignificant because Lexa is thrusting upwards into her downward strokes and everything just feels kind of incredible.

 

It takes an incredible amount of willpower to slow down, but the look on Lexa’s face makes it worth it. She whimpers (yes, actually _whimpers_ , which Clarke knows Lexa is beating herself up for already) when Clarke slows her movements to an almost painful pace. She’s in denial, her hips still canting upwards of their own accord. Or maybe it’s intentional. Lexa wants friction, not the stagnant speed Clarke’s adjusted too. Clarke squeezes her fingers roughly around Lexa and she gets the message.

 

_Stop._

 

With another whine, almost a moan, she does. Clarke bites her lip and gives in to habit, or maybe it’s instinct. Her mouth finds Lexa’s and it’s dry. She feels a sense of pride at this, and the way that Lexa’s hands struggle against hers when she tries to launch herself at Clarke’s lips.

 

Lexa’s just as wrecked as she is, maybe even more.

 

The kiss doesn’t last long and Clarke is already shifting herself backwards before Lexa can even put her tongue to work (and it’s almost a shame). The friction builds slowly, in that way that she knows it’s bound to erupt between five seconds and five centuries from now. That kind of ambiguity drives her crazy in the best way possible. Clarke can’t tell if what she’s feeling is heat or tension or maybe she’s just wet but even through their jeans, it’s undeniably _sex_. Clarke rolls her hips, grinding circles against Lexa. She inhales sharply at the shift and Clarke smiles, more than a little pleased with herself.

 

She wants to touch Lexa, or have Lexa touch her.

 

She considers each option in the seconds between each of her careful, deliberate thrusts. But there’s something about getting off in her bedroom thats next to her parents, when they can come home any second, grinding on her ridiculously attractive frustrating (in more ways than one) girlfriend that gives Clarke an immense amount of satisfaction. Maybe it’s because she _knows_ how close she is or maybe it’s because she can tell by the way Lexa is breathing and gripping at her hands that she’s even closer. She knows at least part of it is knowing that Lexa won’t come until she does, and she still hasn’t worked out exactly what it is about that that makes everything so much hotter.

 

These thoughts run through her mind before she can even realize that she’s picked up speed again and Lexa is matching her thrust for thrust. She decides in that moment that this might be the most turned on she’s ever been, which doesn’t mean much considering this is a recurring thought when Lexa’s beneath her, but still. Clarke’s almost 100% sure that it’s true this time. Because what they’re doing is, at it’s core, erotic, and carnal, and a little bit desperate. And if Clarke has anything to do about it, this is definitely something they’re going to repeat.

 

They’re both moaning now, and it’s like Homecoming all over again, neither of them thinking of who could walk in, neither of them caring if anyone could hear, neither of them noticing the sounds spilling from their mouth until the other starts to mirror them. She’s louder than Lexa, and that’s to be expected. Clarke can feel how close they both are and she leans forward, somewhere between kissing Lexa and burying her face in the crook of her neck. Their breaths are coming hard and fast and then _Clarke’s_ coming hard and fast and she falls into Lexa’s neck, biting down hard - harder than she intended. It doesn’t even phase her, Lexa just thrusts harder, rougher. She’s in the throes of what is possibly the best orgasm she’s ever had when Clarke remembers that Lexa won’t come until she knows Clarke has. (Except for that one, singular occasion that Lexa more than made up for.)

 

Clarke rolls her hips in a circle again, at the peak of her orgasm and whispers, “Now,” just in time for Lexa to fall apart underneath her. She lets out a sound that Clarke knows she’ll deny for the rest of her life while they grind into each other for as long as they both can manage.

 

Clarke slumps against Lexa’s chest in a heap and presses a kiss to her neck. She feels a little bad about the intensity of the bite and it’s the only skin she can reach without putting in the impossible amount of effort it would take to raise her head. They lay like that for a few minutes. Lexa’s breath evens out before hers does and Clarke feels a hand run through her hair a few times. She pushes herself onto her elbows, a smile on her face to match the one Clarke is giving her.

 

“So.” Clarke says. “That happened.”

 

“It did.” Lexa agrees, stroking the side of her face. She tucks one of many out of place strands of hair behind Clarke’s ear.

 

Clarke presses a kiss to her lips. The contrast is blaring, this kiss is soft. Lexa cups her cheeks and parts her lips gently. (These are Clarke’s favorite kisses.) When they pull away, she laughs.

 

“What?”

 

“We fogged up your glasses.”

 

Lexa just smiles and kisses her again. 

 

“Okay, Clarke, you have to promise not to laugh at me,” Lexa says as she pulls away, and Clarke finds it hard not to when she sees that Lexa’s glasses are still fogged up. “Because this is a serious question.” 

 

“Well, that doesn’t make me worry at all, Lex.” 

 

“It’s not anything _bad_. Well, maybe it is. But that’s not my point, Clarke.” 

 

“Alright. I’m listening.” 

 

“I was just thinking, you know, maybe we’ve been having too much sex. And, it’s great. Well, _you’re_ great. But I mean, I can’t walk past you at school and not think about it, y’know. And then it’s really embarrassing be-” Lexa’s getting all flustered, stumbling over her words, and Clarke can’t take her seriously. Not that she can’t. Just seeing Lexa get all nervous and worried right now is adorable. 

 

“You know, most couple worry about not having enough sex, Lexa,” Clarke replies, able to hold back her laughter. “Besides, it’s not like we’ve been doing it everyday.” 

 

“We haven’t left the bed in the past three days, Clarke. And it’s not that it’s too much, really. I’ve just been thinking lately, and I’m terrified that someone will find out. But I don’t want us to stop. I just want to be able to take you out on dates and walk you to class to annoy you for an extra five minutes. An-”

 

“Who says we can’t do that?” Clarke asks, suddenly able to match Lexa’s mood. “If that’s what you’re so worried about, we’ll just go to the next town over. Nobody’ll know us there. Raven and Anya’ll be happy to cover for us, anyways.” 

 

“I just…” Lexa sighs, clearly growing annoyed as she pinches the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes. “I just don’t want to rob you of a normal relationship, Clarke. It’s not normal for us to wait until your paren-”

 

“Our parents.” 

 

“Right, _our_ parents. That sounds so bad, I… I don't want you to feel like I’m the only option. Clarke, I’d tell Jake and Abby in a heartbeat to reverse my adoption. An-”

 

“You’re talking crazy, Lexa. I’m fine with the way things are.” Clarke say, and kisses her cheek. “I don’t care that we have to hide. Unless _you_ do…”

 

“I don’t,” Lexa says quickly. “I was just making sure you don’t.” 

 

* * *

 

Two hours later, Jake and Abby are home, and Lexa’s forced to face reality again as Jake has to call her multiple times before she looks away from Clarke. Nothing interesting has happened when they were at work, and when they ask Clarke and Lexa what they did today, both quickly mumble some lies. That’s basically how the rest of break goes. Clarke and Lexa find something to do outside of the house besides on christmas, and Jake and Abby don’t suspect anything. If they do, they don’t say anything about it. 

 

Lexa remembers that when her and Clarke were little, Christmas morning was the same as every other morning. Waking up next to each other, trying to find Lexa’s lost sock in the sheets. Then they waited exactly five minutes before running down the hall to Jake and Abby’s room, yelling about how santa came. 

 

This year isn’t much different. She wakes up next to Clarke, and Clarke teases her for loosing her sock in the sheets again. Lexa kisses her, partly to get Clarke to shut up, also because she won’t be able to for the rest of the day. Not with their parents around. Then they decide that Jake and Abby deserve to sleep in a go downstairs to make breakfast. 

 

It’s when Abby comes down the stairs Lexa realizes she forgot to get Clarke a christmas present. Lexa curses herself, and Clarke gives her a look. _Ugh, I forget everything._ Lexa thinks, running her fingers through her hair. _Except for what Clarke likes in bed._

 

“I forgot to buy Anya something.” Lexa explains, and Clarke just shrugs. Abby gives her a look, and Lexa tries to ignore it. Expect, thirty minutes later Lexa’s at a pet store with Abby’s credit card in her hand. She was surprised that Abby even gave her her card, much less tell her to buy whatever she wanted to buy for Clarke. 

 

_Maybe a puppy’s too dramatic. Then Clarke’ll know I was lying when I said I forgot to buy Anya a gift. Maybe I can say he was in the garage._

 

“Are you looking to buy today? If you are, we’ll let you in the pen with them.” Lexa just nods, and when the boy opens the small door, two black and white puppies try to squeeze past them. Lexa picks one up and puts back in, and she calls Anya. 

 

“Anya, I need you to come to the pet store right now.” 

 

“You’re at the pet store, Lexa? What the hell? _Why_?” 

 

“Well, I forgot to buy Clarke a gift an- Hey. Don't eat my shoe!” Lexa tells a small golden retriever, and she sighs when he finds out that her shoe laces are more entertaining. 

 

“So, you’re buying a puppy?” 

 

“Well, do you have any other ideas? What did you get Raven?” 

 

“Lexa, I fucking hate you. I’ll be there in ten minutes!” 

 

She’s not sure how long she’s been sitting in the pen. But the moment she sat down, all of the puppies were suddenly interested in her. For at the most, two seconds before they started playing with each other again, expect for a small Australian Shepard that refuses to leave her alone. She pets him behind his ear, and he closes his blue eyes, (that remind her of Clarke, and it’d be cute if they matched anyways) and tries to lick her again. 

 

“Anya, just come in. It’s like a ritual experience. One just _picks_ you. You don't pick it.” 

 

“So, he what, imprinted on you?” 

 

“Kinda, but its more like Harry Potter, y’know? The owner doesn’t choose the dog, Anya. The dog chooses the owner.” 

 

“Lexa, you’re crazy. You can’t just buy Clarke a dog.” 

 

“Just come in here with me, _please_.” Lexa begs. Clarke had texted her a few minutes ago, and Lexa hasn't had time to look at it, too preoccupied to decide if she should buy the merle Australian Shepard now sleeping in her lap. 

 

With a dramatic sigh, Anya opens the door and sits down across from Lexa. She’s mumbling things to herself, even as most of the puppies attack her. After a few minutes, she’s only left with a Bernese Mountain dog sitting next to her. 

“See?” Lexa whispers. “I _told_ you!” 

 

The puppy next to Anya barks. 

 

“Even the dog agrees!”  Lexa says, and Anya shakes her head. 

 

“I can’t believe you’re convincing me to buy a dog for Raven. Aw, she even has the same eyes!” 

 

“See it this way, you buy Raven a dog, you won't need to get her anything next year. And, it’ll be good for her, too.” 

 

Forty minutes later, Anya and Lexa are in the check out lane with two carts filled with stuff for their, well, Clarke and Raven’s dogs. Lexa nearly forgotten about the brand new Nikon camera sitting in her back seat as she loads up her trunk and help Anya load up hers. 

 

“My parents are going to kill me,” Anya says. “However, Raven will _love_ me.”  

 

“Abby really shouldn't have told me I could buy anything for Clarke. I highly doubt she wanted me to buy a dog.” 

 

“We’re getting laid tonight, it’s inevitable.” Anya says as she clips on the purple collar she had gotten for her dog, and hands Lexa the red one. 

 

“What if Clarke doesn’t like him?” 

 

“Lexa, sometimes I really wonder how you’ve made it this far with her.” 

 

Lexa just rolls her eyes at the remark as she climbs into her car, making sure the dog is still sitting in the passenger seat. “Just try not to kill her before you make it to Raven’s okay?” 

 

Anya ignores her and drives away. Lexa almost considers going back in and seeing if she can return everything, but she decides against it and calls Clarke. 

 

Clarke picks up on the second ring, “Lexa? You’ve been gone for three hours, an-”

 

“I’m going to be home in ten minutes, Clarke. And I’ve got a big, well,” Lexa glances over at the small dog, who surprisingly enough is sitting still. “A small surprise for you. Be on the front porch, okay?” 

 

“Lexa, what are you doing n-”

 

“Are you going to come out or will I keep it all to myself?” 

 

It starts to snow when Lexa pulls into the driveway. Clarke’s already there, a sweatshirt hood pulled over her head and is in shorts. She’s shivering as Lexa rolls down the window. Clarke mutters something about it better being good, and Lexa just smiles as she opens the door, and Arlo, (what she decided to call him until Clarke picked a name) jumps over her and basically pounces onto Clarke. 

 

“Wha- oh, my god. Calm down, yo-” Clarke gives up on talking and starts petting Arlo, and after he’s calmed down enough she picks him up. “You’re just the cutest little thing, aren't you?” Clarke asks him, and Lexa frowns. “Don’t worry, Lex, you’re in second place.” 

 

“What are you going to name him?” 

 

“Wh- Lexa! You actually bought a _dog_?!” Clarke exclaims. 

 

“Well, he’s still a puppy. You can call him a dog in a few years.” 

 

“Lexa, I’m-”

 

“I already bought everything he needs. And you a brand new camera.” _Well, Abby payed for all of it. Oh, god, she’s going to kill me. Damn Arlo, looking at me with those stupid puppy eyes._

 

“Lexa, I-”

 

“Merry Christmas, Clarke.” Lexa says and kisses her cheek. 

 

Jake and Abby don’t seem too upset that Lexa bought a dog. Or that Lexa had made it clear that the dog was for Clarke. And Clarke only. Instead, they seem happy and end up playing with him for a while. The tv eventually gets turned on for a few football games, and Clarke and Lexa are locked in the basement with Arlo. Clarke still hasn’t decided a name, and Lexa has to stop herself from calling him. 

 

“I’ve finally picked a name,” Clarke announces. “I’m naming him Zeus.” 

 

“Zeus?” 

 

“Yes, Zeus. Like the Greek God of the skies? Only one third of the big three? The first born son of the Titian Kronos?” 

 

“I know who Zeus is, love. I just never thought you ever show your inner nerd.” Lexa says with a smile. 

 

“Whatever.” Clarke grumbles, but leans in to kiss her anyways as she mumbles a thank you. Arlo- _Zeus_ bounds up to them wagging his tail and dropping a ball in front of Lexa. She throws it, and this time it bounces off the wall, over his head and for a few seconds he’s confused before he disappears from her sight, only to return with the ball a few seconds later. They repeat for a few hours until Zeus decides that he’s no longer interested in chasing after the ball, or in Lexa for that matter and walks over her to curl up in Clarke’s lap. He lets out a loud sigh, and they both laugh. 

 

A few hours later, they’re in Clarke’s room after Clarke had paused in the living room to give her parents more wine. It’s less than thirty minutes and they can hear Jake and Abby laughing as they pass their room. Shortly after, there’s a loud crash and more laughing. 

 

“Well, we won’t have to worry about them tonight.” Clarke says. 

 

“How much wine did you force them to drink?” Lexa asks, even though she’s preoccupied with seeing how many Goldfish she can get to fit on a sleeping Zeus before he wakes up. 

 

“I only encouraged them to forget about us, thats all. I didn’t force them to drink anything.” Clarke informs her. 

 

Lexa rolls her eyes, but it doesn’t stop her from leaning in to kiss her. Clarke doesn't waste any time, pulling Lexa closer, and her hands slip up her hips, pushing up her t-shirt with it. Lexa pulls away, only to unbutton Clarke’s, ( _her_ shirt). The last button refuses to come undone and Lexa yanks on it, sending it clattering on the floor. 

 

“You… Can’t blame me this time.” Clarke says breathlessly. 

 

“You shouldn’t have worn it anyways.” Lexa replies, but freezes suddenly. “Zeus is right there.” She whispers.

 

“Lexa, he’s sleeping. And he’s a _dog_.” 

 

“But he’s a _baby_ dog.” Lexa argues. 

 

“Lexa, you’re such a fucking nerd.” Is Clarke’s response, and Lexa gives in as Clarke easily flips them over, and Lexa thinks back to a few days ago how Clarke had used ice cream out of all things to get laid. Lexa just smiles up at her, and pushes Clarke’s bra strap down her shoulder. Clarke stops her, “No touching.” She whispers in Lexa’s ear, and Lexa groans. 

 

“Clarke, I hate you.” 

 

“I know,” Clarke chirps happily, kissing down Lexa’s chest, “But you won’t hate me in a few minutes.” She kisses down her neck, biting and sucking at her skin. Her fingers trace shapes on her thighs. Lexa just wants to get over this. She wants to reach for Clarke, to kiss her again, but every time she even starts to move, Clarke pins her hands down, and Lexa’s forced to remember what it feels like when the warmth of Clarke leaves her. 

 

Lexa always gets nervous around Clarke, and Clarke’s the opposite. Teasingly, Clarke lets her nails dig into Lexa’s hip, and scratches slightly. “God, damn it, Clarke. I get it. You’re enjoying this but just-”

 

Clarke leans up on her elbow, kissing Lexa’s jaw, and she guides the hand already under her girlfriend’s shirt up to her ribs.  She traces the lines there, the strokes of her fingers slow and reverent.  Her lips linger on Lexa’s skin with each kiss and her thumb brushes the underside of her breasts.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa says lowly, “What are you doing?”

 

“I’m going to help you relax,” Clarke says quietly as she kisses down from her jaw.  She licks and nips her way to the pulse point, and Lexa shudders. Lexa has to refrain herself from pulling Clarke closer, having no idea what she would do if she did. 

 

“What—“ Lexa starts to say, but whatever she was going to say turns into a shaky inhale as Clarke sucks on the skin of her neck. She pulls back before she leaves a bruise even though she aches to mark up Lexa’s skin.  She contents herself by pressing her lips over the spot in soft kiss.  

 

“Just let me take care of you right now,” Clarke says lowly.

 

“What about the dog?” Lexa says unevenly. She feels stupid for worrying so much about the dog, but Lexa doesn’t want to find out what’ll happen if he wakes up in the middle of them going at it. 

 

Clarke shifts under the sheet so that she just hovers over Lexa.  She dips her head down, raking her teeth against her girlfriend’s collarbone.  She slips her tongue into the hollow of Lexa;s throat, tasting the skin there before looking back up and whispering, “I guess you better do you best to stay quiet?”

 

“I’m rarely the loud one,” Lexa hisses.

 

“True, but you occasionally can’t help yourself, either. And this time you better,” Clarke says, stare heavy on her girlfriend.  She wishes she could make out the flecks of green and gold in Lexa’s eyes right now, but she can still tell through the light slipping through the blinds how dark and wanton that gaze is.

 

And then Lexa nods her head, and that’s all the go ahead that Clarke needs. No matter how many times they’ve been together, they both always make sure it’s okay.  Her lips reattach themselves to Lexa’s neck, and she lets her fingers trace the soft skin of her breasts.  Lexa arches into her hands, and Clarke can feel her own panties growing increasingly damp.  She entwines their legs, so that she’s straddling a thigh and her own is pressing into Lexa’s center.

 

One of Lexa’s hands fist itself into her hair as Clarke nips at that slender neck.  Lexa pulls gently, just enough to signal where she wants her.  Clarke complies, shifting upwards to meet her girlfriend in a kiss that burns through her and sends her stomach flipping over itself.  It’s not blistering or violently passionate, but rather a slow steady press of interlocking lips.  It’s an expression of love and yearning all on its own as their kiss continues, lips sliding perfectly together. Clarke slips her tongue into Lexa’s mouth as she rubs her thumb over a nipple.  She finds herself instinctively clenching her muscles as Lexa lets out the lightest of moans.

 

Clarke breaks from the kiss, looking down at her.  “That’s not being quiet Lexa.”

 

“Fuck you, You’re not being quiet, either.” Lexa whispers back.

 

“Just shush and relax,” Clarke says.  She’s unwilling to tease Lexa too much with the exam hanging over her—this is about taking care of her girlfriend right now.  And Clarke would only be kidding herself if it weren’t also a little bit about her craving to touch Lexa after all this time either. And she knows that this is one of the few things that can actually stop Lexa from feeling guilty for getting adopted.

 

She presses her lips against Lexa’s again, silencing any further protest.  It quickly evolves to an exchange of messy, open-mouthed kisses, tongues brushing against teeth and lips and each other.  She runs her fingers back over one of Lexa’s nipples, reveling in the stiff bud.  Clarke's rolls it between her fingers and then tweaks it.  Lexa’s breath hitches in their kiss and her hands latch onto her hips.  Clarke rocks her body, pressing her thigh more into her.  She trembles at feeling the friction from Lexa’s thigh against her clit and the way the hands on her hips curve around to gently grope her ass.

 

She can’t help but pick up the pace of her hips, and she separates from the kiss with a gasp.  She rubs more forcefully, her blood running hot.  Lexa’s head tilts back, brow furrowed and mouth open.  Clarke keeps rocking, the bed creaking with the movement and then—

 

A small bark comes from across the room. 

 

Clarke freezes, heart pounding and cheeks growing warm.  _How could she just forget like that?_ She’s embarrassed, and she knows Lexa well enough that she can see the mortification in her gaze.

 

“Okay, no more…puppies,” Clarke says, and it’s followed by a rustle of sheets and then silence.

 

“ _Oh my god_ ,” Lexa mouths, a hand going over her eyes. “What are we gonna do with _kids_?!” 

 

Clarke collapses downwards onto her, an embarrassed giggled slipping out of her mouth.

 

“It’s not funny,” Lexa hisses. “That little shit better be sleeping now.” 

 

“Okay, it really isn’t,” Clarke amends softly, growing serious.

 

“I’m never going to be able to fall asleep now,” Lexa says quietly.

 

Clarke runs a hand down her arm, taking her hand in hers. “Yes you will,” she whispers. Clarke watches her lick her lips in indecision as she waits patiently for answer.  She’ll be happy to follow whatever makes Lexa happy, but she can’t deny that her heart races when Lexa bites her bottom lip and nods her head.

 

There won’t be anymore teasing and Clarke will be sure to keep the risks of getting caught minimal, even if it’s by the small dog on the edge of their bed.   She’ll show Lexa how much she missed her, even if it they were only separated for a few hours, and she’ll make her forget all about the new birth certificate.  So Clarke kisses her with gentle purpose, letting go of her hand so she can reach back up under her pajama shirt.  She keeps the pace slow, leisurely rubbing her hand up and down Lexa’s abs before traveling back up once again to her breasts.  She palms them both individually before taking a nipple between her fingers.  For a third time that night, Lexa’s breath catches at that action, and, for a third time, it sends a flush of _desire_ through Clarke’s body.

 

She breaks from their kiss and presses her lips down Lexa’s jaw, neck, and chest until she gets to the hem of her shirt.  Clarke sends her hand back down Lexa’s ribs and stomach, removing it from underneath her shirt.  Hand now free, she grabs the low neckline keeping her from Lexa’s breasts.  She has never been so grateful for such soft, loose material as she is able to pull it down just under one of her breasts to expose a hard nipple.  Clarke kisses down to it, and breathes over it just long enough for Lexa to writhe in anticipation.

 

Then she tongues the nipple with a simple flick, and Lexa’s back arches.  Feeling her girlfriend curve into her and her hand come to the back of her head, fingers delving into hair, all Clarke can do is take it into her mouth.  She lets go of the pajama shirt as she swirls and flicks her tongue over the nipple, trusting the material to stay out the way as she eases her hand down to the waistband of Lexa’s pajama shorts.

 

Lexa seems to stop breathing as her fingers slide underneath the material of her shorts and panties.  Clarke can’t help a shaky breath as she dips low enough to meet the warm wetness between her girlfriend’s legs.  Lexa releases her own breath with a shudder of her body at the first touch of Clarke’s fingers to her clit. Clarke wishes she could remove all the clothes between them.  Lexa’s body is gorgeous—smooth lines of lithe muscle and full curves and beautiful scars. Digits slick and wet, Clarke is suddenly overcome with the desire to remove her hand and taste Lexa on her fingers.  She squashes the want.  She’ll have all weekend to explore her girlfriend’s body all over again.  For now, she dips two fingers inside of her, heart pounding as Lexa clenches around her.

 

She starts sliding in and out slowly, and Lexa whimpers.  Clarke leans up higher, propping her weight on the arm not busy drawing those kinds of reactions from her girlfriend.  Even though it means leaving Lexa’s breasts behind, Clarke is able to watch the expressions play across her face as she picks up speed.  Lexa brings a hand up over her mouth, no doubt determined to keep silent after what happened earlier. The sleep shorts restrict her movement some, but Clarke is nothing if not persistent.

 

Lexa’s other hand has found its way to the back of her neck, gripping it tightly.  She shudders and tenses, and Clarke knows she’s close.  She also knows the best way to send Lexa over the edge is to focus on her clit.  So she slides in one final time, curling her fingers inside of her, and the hand on the back of her neck tightens almost painfully.  She slides back out, and Lexa’s grip momentarily eases. But then Clarke’s traveling up her soaked folds, back to her clit, and setting a swift pace.

 

Lexa’s right leg starts shaking uncontrollably, and her eyes squeeze shut.  Clarke rubs her fingers over her clit again and again, and Lexa’s hips rock with her pace.  Her arm burns, but she only notices distantly.  Then the trembling stops, Lexa’s body stiffens and her head tilts back even further.  Her hand falls from her mouth to the bed, and Clarke’s gaze flicks to where Lexa’s hand furiously grips the sheets. 

 

Everything seems to slow as Lexa comes undone.  Clarke’s heart is somewhere in her throat as she watches her girlfriend ride out the pleasure.  Lexa shudders violently, back arching off the bed.  A soft, breathy moan slips from her parted lips. And _oh god_ how Clarke missed this—Lexa is absolutely beautiful. And when Lexa comes down from her high, there is not the slightest hint of disturbance from across the room.

 

Lexa pulls her down into her arms, kissing her briefly.  She sighs contentedly after they separate, head lolling back onto her pillow.  Clarke’s own body aches, her panties damp, but she pushes away the flush of need.  She has all weekend to look forward to.

 

“I love you,” Lexa whispers lazily after a moment. “And I’ll definitely be taking a turn tomorrow.”

 

“I love you too,” Clarke says.  “And I don’t doubt you will.”

 

They’re quiet for a few seconds, and then Clarke looks over at Lexa again. “So, we’re gonna have kids?” 

 

“Wha- no, no, I- God, I actually said that?” Lexa asks, her face turning red. “Oh, my god. Just forget that, okay? I-”

 

Zeus decides it’s a good time to come bounding up to them, and Clarke can only laugh as Lexa tries to avoid his attack. “Ow, you little shit- Zeu- biting my hand will _not_ help you. Clarke, control your dog.” 

 

* * *

 

The next day, Lexa ends up driving through two inches of snow while trying to convince Clarke that since christmas passed, she shouldn’t be blasting christmas carols through their car. “You know, I’m really starting to wish that California actually lives up to the expectations of never snowing,” Lexa grumbles as she tightens her grip on the steering wheel. “This is just bull.” 

 

“I’m starting to wish you’re still in that christmas spirit,” Clarke says with a smirk. “But,” She sighs dramatically, “All good things must come to an end.” 

 

“Maybe there’ll be a part two tonight.” Lexa replies. Deciding to take Clarke out of town today wasn’t the best choice, but when Anya was more than happy to cover for them, Lexa wasn't going to turn down the opportunity. She managed to get tickets for some art show thats only here for a week, so she figured she wouldn’t let them go to waste. 

 

“Okay, Clarke, so we’re not just here for the special edition of christmas Starbucks, obviously. But, um…” 

 

“Oh, you big nerd! We’ve been dating for almost five months now, and you can’t tell me what we’re doing?” 

 

“Well, there’s this art gallery an-”

 

Clarke gasps. “No. Is it Gerhard Richter? His art is only in Germany, so there’s no way its him. But he was ranked for, like, the greatest painter two years ago. Which he totally deserved. Have you seen his paintings? And his photos?!” Clarke says excitedly. 

 

Lexa holds up the tickets. “All I know is that he’s from Germany.” 

 

When they get to the gallery, it’s like watching a kid go to the zoo for the first time. Clarke’s obviously struggling between looking at his paintings or his photography first, and Lexa laughs. “We’ve got all day, Clarke. We’ll look at everything if that’s what you want.” At that, Clarke takes Lexa’s hand and drags her to a picture. There’s more people here than Lexa expected, but she doesn’t mind as she listens to Clarke rant about one of his paintings. 

 

By the end of the day, Lexa’s surprised that her feet hurt from doing nothing. She’s played in soccer games longer than this, but seeing the smile on Clarke’s face is worth it. “So,” Lexa starts. “Which one was your favorite?” 

 

“Oh, god, I don't know. They were all great, and it was amazing. Thanks, Lexa.” 

 

Lexa shrugs, and is greeted with cold air as they walk out the doors. “Anything for my girl.” 

 

“Seriously, Lexa. You were probably bored out of your mind, so thank you.” 

 

Lexa just smiles sheepishly and takes Clarke’s hand, pulling her down the sidewalk. Lexa’s cold, but Clarke’s warmth is enough for her to not complain about it. They don’t talk, and they don’t need to. Enjoying each other’s company is good enough, even when a few people stare at their linked hands, and Lexa notices a guy looking at Clarke, she throws her arm over her shoulders, and gives him a look. 

 

“Next year, I'm gonna take you to New York City for new years,” Lexa says, and Clarke looks up at her, waiting for her to go on. “You’ve never been, and I know you’ve always wanted to go, and I can’t blame you. It’d be the perfect thing for you to paint.” 

 

“But why new years?”

 

“Well, we’d probably be in the city, which means we’ll be able to see the ball drop. So, I’ll be able to do this,” Lexa kisses her, a soft quick kiss, “And-”

 

“This,” Clarke leans up, kissing behind her ear, “And nobody would care.”

 

“Yeah, it’d be nice, wouldn’t it?” Lexa asks as Clarke’s arms snake around her neck. Lexa had almost forgotten that there’s other people around, but she doesn’t have time to care, not when Clarke’s right in front of her. She pushes her glasses up her nose again, still not used to the feeling of them, and Clarke laughs quietly. 

 

“We can do the same thing right here.” Clarke whispers before kissing her again, and it’s longer than their first one. Lexa knows that the way Clarke kisses her will always catch her off guard. Lexa doesn’t mind it, though, because the way Clarke’s lips move against hers will work each time. 

 

 

 


	8. TALK ME DOWN

_"And I wanna get close to you, ‘Cause your hands and lips still know their way around"_

* * *

 

Class has never been so boring. 

 

Tapping her pencil impatiently against her calculus textbook while counting down the seconds has been Lexa’s only form of entertainment. She had already finished the pretest her teacher handed out, and stared at the text she received from Clarke for a good ten minutes. 

 

_Mom AND Dad have work today…_

 

_And I’m still sick. Come save me._

 

Lexa had to cover her mouth to hide her smile and her small laugh. Clarke, unfortunately had gotten sick one of the last days on break. Lexa almost stayed with her today, but one, Jake and Abby would never had let it go, and two, Clarke had told her that she couldn’t miss the first day back to school, no matter how much she wanted to stay and take care of Clarke. Three, Lexa’s sure she’s missed too many days of school this year, all in the span of five months. Jake and Abby haven’t made the connection that her and Clarke have been happier for the past five months, precisely 162 days (not that Lexa had been counting), and Lexa just assumed that Jake and Abby thought the worst had come. 

 

She pulls her phone out of her pocket, about to type Clarke back, and noticing that it’s only 2:05. There’s no way Lexa was going to make it through another fifty minutes without seeing Clarke or Zeus, who she had gotten used to biting her ankles when she walks through the door. Not to mention with the traffic because of school ending, she was going to have to add at the least, another ten minutes. 

 

The intercom sparks to life, and Lexa sighs. She’s been more nervous than more since break has come to an end. She hates it, but she has to remind Clarke that she can’t litter her neck and chest with bruises, and in return, Clarke had forced her to do the same. Lexa wasn’t going to be able to wear shorts for a few days. Not that it mattered, but for people who looked close enough, and there’s plenty of people who do that in high school will notice that Clarke’s written all over her. The sound of her name, the feeling of her lips, the small traces of paint that are sometimes left behind. Lexa was written all over Clarke, too. The way she catches Clarke’s brushing her own fingers against her cheek or how three of Lexa’s old jerseys have weeded their way into Clarke’s wardrobe, including a few of the shirts Jake had given to Lexa. 

And almost every night, Lexa let Clarke paint on her back, even if it meant staying up to four in the morning and talking about it with Clarke. Running on barley two hours of sleep was worth it if Lexa saw Clarke. It’s a weird habit they have gotten into. They stay to their retrospective lives; Lexa hangs out with Anya and plays soccer. Clarke can be found at Raven’s house and playing video games with Raven and Octavia. Occasionally, they all hung out together. Lexa wasn’t the closest with Raven nor Octavia before, but after getting to know them, they’ve become an important part of her life, too. If Raven wasn’t yelling during a soccer match, or distracting Anya, something was thrown off. Raven and Octavia usually woke Clarke and Lexa on Sundays, the morning after most of their soccer games, with a still groggy Anya in tow. It was strange how they operated, but it worked. Without a doubt, Clarke the one who tied them all together. 

 

 

Clarke has always been an important figure in her life. Lexa knows this, but she’s never notice exactly how much Clarke had meant to her until a few months ago when they we're both dragged to homecoming. Until that night, Lexa knew they were always going to find their way back to one another. That was the night Lexa almost lost Clarke. Not physically, where Lexa would never see her again, but where Clarke couldn’t be the one she could confide in, or be able to connect to her. She was stupid, ever thinking she could make it without Clarke. Clarke is the only thing that keeps her grounded. It’s not Jake and Abby, or her framed birth certificate that sits on the dresser in her barely used room, but Clarke. 

 

“Can we please see Lexa Wo- Lexa Griffin to the counselor office?” Lexa looks up from her phone as eyes zone in on her. Her thumbs hover over her phone screen, still working to type out a response to Clarke. _Do you want some Ben and Jerry’s, too? Or the psychology homework you’re going to miss?_

 

Lexa just presses send and shoves her textbook into her backpack. If she could find out why the office needed to pull her out of class fast enough, she could leave early. If not, she was probably going to be later that normal. The school counseling is either two minutes, or two hours. There’s no in-between. She sends Clarke another text. _Might be early, might be late. Don’t know yet._

 

Lexa tries not to immediately think it’s because they think there’s something wrong with her. In middle school, she dealt with it enough because they were afraid that she would become too aggressiveor an introvert because she was part of the foster system. She hadn’t tried explaining to them that Jake and Abby didn’t abuse her, because she was too stupid to realize that’s what they had thought. Eventually Jake had yelled at them for assuming that Lexa needed that kind of help without asking them first. Now, three years later, she’s going to be stuck in one of those crappy chairs thinking about Clarke while having to deal with whatever she did this time. 

 

She passes Anya’s class on the way there and waves. Anya gives her a look then shooes her away. Lexa rolls her eyes when Anya pulls a pair of goggles over her face and turns her attention back to Raven, in their AP Chemistry class. She takes the turn to the counselors office.

 

Lexa stands outside the door for a few seconds, telling herself that it’s probably some stupid thing; nothing important. She doesn’t bother to knock before opening the door, and she groans. She already hates the room. The blank white walls and the curtains over the window, and the stupid chairs facing each other and an annoyingly clean desk. 

 

“You must be Lexa. I’m Ms. Chapman.” Lexa looks down at her. She’s barely five feet and she almost laughs. She doesn’t want to be here. If the worst came to it, she’d let Jake yell at them again, just for the sake of being left alone. 

 

“Look, I’m sure for whatever reason I'm here for, you’re wrong. I’m fine. I’m very happy, actually.” She has to bite back the rest of her thought. _Clarke makes me happy._

 

Ms. Chapman makes her sit down in a chair, anyways. Lexa wants to look at her phone when it vibrates again, most likely another text from Clarke. After getting comfortable, well, as comfortable as she can get, Lexa’s not very surprised to see that Ms. Chapman is looking at her documents from the system. She sees a few from the school, mostly old report cards and some medical things for soccer. Lexa resists the urge to tell her that there’s nothing wrong with her. She wasn’t going to find anything wrong with them. 

 

_Unless this is about Clarke._ Lexa taps the arm of her chair nervously at that thought. _It’s not about Clarke, don’t be ridiculous. You haven’t done anything. Clarke hasn’t done anything. You’ve been playing it safe._

 

“What can you tell me about Niylah?” 

 

It’s the first thing Ms. Chapman has actually said something other than introducing herself. Lexa shrugs. Niylah was better if she wasn’t shoved into her face. Or talking to Clarke. Or looking at Clarke. Or _sleeping_ with Clarke…  If she left Raven alone after the thing that happened that the beginning of the year, Lexa wouldn’t have such a hard time dealing with her. Also the thing about sleeping with Clarke and touching Clarke when it should have been her. Lexa shrugs. There’s many reasons she has to dislike Niylah. Most of them revolved around Clarke. But Lexa would be lying if she said that the whole scene with Niylah and Raven at the beginning of the year, almost breaking Stan didn’t piss her off, either. 

 

“What do you mean? She’s Niylah. I don’t know her that well, I shouldn’t really say anything.” Lexa figures it’s a safe enough of an answer, and Ms. Chapman scribbles something onto her notepad. Lexa tries not to let it get to her. It’s probably just some shitty notes, but they’re about her and Lexa has had enough with people just assuming things about her. That since her parents abandoned her, she must be messed up somehow mentally. They didn’t seem to notice or care that Jake and Abby had taken her in, and that she was fine. Most of the time. If she racked her brain hard enough, she could remember her mother calling her down for breakfast, humming to herself as she poured Lexa a cup of orange juice. It was her favorite. It _still_ is her favorite. She remembers her father better; his crooked smile, his green eyes and dark hair. Her mother always talked about how Lexa looks just like him. He had always asked her about her school day. Their conversations on that never lasted long, because they ended up pouring their time into the book he had brought home that day. One day, he’d bring an encyclopedia about dinosaurs, and the next, they would be reading about squids. 

 

“So that’s why you’ve fought with her physically twice this year?” Lexa had gotten so sidetracked, trying to remember her parents, that she has to take a few seconds to remember that she was being asked about Niylah. 

 

“Okay, maybe she shouldn’t have talked shit about Cl- My sister. It’s none of her business saying stuff about Clarke that isn’t true.” Ms. Chapman scribbles something else down, the pen scrapping the paper filling the room. 

 

“And the second time?” 

 

“She was pressuring Clarke. She can’t leave her alone.” Lexa notices that her foot has been tapping against the floor. She’s not nervous. It’s just some thing that the school probably does. Checking in on the kids like her. It sucks. But if she’s going to be able to see Clarke after this, she doesn’t care. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, anyways.

 

“So punching her way the way to stop her?” 

 

“Niylah only seems to listen if you do,” Lexa snaps. “She doesn’t get that when Clarke tells her no, she means _no_. If anything, you should be talking to Niylah. See how many times she refuses to listen to people who don’t want to sleep with her.” 

 

Chapman doesn’t scribble anything down this time. Instead, she looks over at Lexa and clicks her pen. One. Twice. A third time, and Lexa almost snaps again. “I didn’t want to ruin your christmas break,” She says calmly. “So, I have a proposition for you. You can either join GSA or you’ll have to come here twice a week to work on your anger. I told you today because I didn’t want you to express your anger to your parents.” 

 

“Anger? Look, it’s not my fault tha-“

 

“Pick one or the other. You have until Wednesday.” 

 

“Can I leave now?” Lexa asks sharply. Lexa doesn't even wait for a response, and she’s careful to not slam the door behind her, because she doesn't have an “anger” problem. She never did anyways. If Niylah didn’t annoy her so much, it wouldn’t have happened always. It’s not Lexa’s fault that she has to deal with people like her. 

 

“What’re you going to do?” Lexa whips around, and sees Niylah leaning against the locker, a smirk on her lips. “See, you hate me. I get it, hit me a few times, I don’t care. However, my parents do. So, here we are.” 

 

Lexa decides to ignore her. She pushes past Niylah to get to her locker, grabbing her Biology textbook. Niylah stops her. “Look, I honestly didn’t think my parents would do this. I-”

 

“Forget, Niylah. Just let it go.” Lexa shoulders her backpack again and leaves her there, leaning against the lockers. In this moment, she could careless about hearing what Niylah had to say. She was tired; thinking about her parents. Her head was starting to hurt, and she’s thankful for the distraction when her phone vibrates again, reminding her that Clarke had texted her back. 

 

Lexa smiles as she reads the text: _Pray you’ll be early. I’m dying home all alone, lex._

 

Lexa doesn’t type back a response, but throws her backpack into the backseat of their car, ignoring the crinkle of Clarke’s homework she had gotten for her. It only takes her ten minutes to get home, and Zeus is already sitting in the window by the front door, his tail wagging quickly behind him. He scratches at the window when Lexa opens the door, and she pats his head before he can try to jump into her arms. He had already gotten too big for it, but Lexa usually gives in if he tries. “Where’s Clarke, boy? She’s still sick, huh?” Zeus barks in response, and nips at her ankles when she starts up the stairs. 

 

“Hey! Don’t bite me.” Lexa tells him, taking the rope hanging from his mouth and throwing it down the hall before throwing open the door to Clarke’s room. Tissues litter the floor, and Clarke sits in the middle of her bed, the same three blankets Lexa had wrapped her up in this morning are still tightly around her body. 

 

“Lex,” Clarke groans, “It’s way too hot in here now.” Lexa’s careful not to step on Clarke’s laptop, and opens Clarke’s window to let some cool air in. “That’s not what I meant.” Clarke whines, and Lexa rolls her eyes as she picks up Clarke's laptop.

 

“Did you do anything today, love?” Lexa asks as she presses a kiss to Clarke’s forehead, pulling one of the blankets off of her. 

 

“If sleeping counts, then yeah.” Clarke mumbles, and Lexa nods in agreement as she pulls the other two blankets off of Clarke, wrapping her arms around her. “What are you doing? I’ll get you sick. Not that I’m complaining, bu-”

 

“Clarke, I haven’t gotten sick since I was seven. I’m immune to everything.” 

 

“Scientists must hate you, then.” Clarke mumbles, and when Clarke buries her face into her neck, Lexa can feel exactly how warm Clarke is. 

 

“Yeah. But that doesn’t matter, I’ve got you.” 

 

“You’re such a romantic.” 

 

“Only for you.” 

 

“You’re such a sap,” Clarke tells her, but Lexa knows that Clarke secretly loves it. Even it if was stupid and made Lexa a sap, she didn’t care. It was enough to make Clarke smile. “Are you gonna tell me about your school day?” 

 

“It was awful. And stupid. I got called to the counselor today,” Lexa groans as she recalls the counselor looking at her through her thick rimmed glasses. She had already forgotten her name. Not that it mattered much anyways. She was going to avoid her as much as she possibly could. “She told me I could either go to therapy and learn how to control my anger, or I join GSA, which is just as bad.” 

 

Clarke laughs, “Did she say anything before that?”

 

“That she waited after break because she didn’t want me to ‘express my anger towards my parents’. It’s not funny, Clarke.” Lexa adds when she hears Clarke laugh. 

 

“You have to admit, it’s a little funny.” 

 

“She said she thought that it’d be better if I joined GSA because then I wouldn’t feel like a reject!” Lexa exclaims. “Which, by the way, I don’t.” 

 

“I know, Lex. Don’t worry about it, it’s not that big of a deal.”

 

Lexa doesn't mention that Niylah was the reason why she was called to the office in the first place, not wanting another reason to annoy Clarke. But when Clarke had asked about her day she couldn’t help but start ranting. She also doesn’t mention how her parents had suddenly started to flood her memories again; It’s not important. Lexa doesn’t want to remember them, anyways. 

 

Two hours later, Lexa’s making soup with Zeus at her heels while Clarke takes a bath. Not a shower. A bath. The first forty five minutes, Clarke complained how the last time she took a bath was when she was in first grade, and Lexa had almost given in and let Clarke do whatever she wanted, but when Abby called and reminded them she was going to be late, Lexa told her she had no choice. More complaining followed, this time with a demanding Zeus. 

 

Lexa phone vibrates, and she rolls her eyes when she sees that it’s a text from Clarke. 

 

_This is stupid. I don’t need to take a bath._

 

_You’re being dramatic. Now hurry up, I’m making you dinner, you crybaby._ Lexa types back quickly before looking down at Zeus. 

 

“What are we going to do with her, buddy?” He wags his tail in response, and Lexa figures while Clarke’s still complaining about taking a bath, she wouldn’t miss having her favorite meal. She tosses Zeus an extra piece of chicken before basically drowning the other in tomato sauce and parmesan cheese the way Clarke does. 

 

_Baths are only fun with you. Come back up here._

 

_Hey. How come I smell spaghetti sauce??_

 

_Lex, I hate you._

 

Lexa ignores the flow of texts from Clarke, and a few minutes later, Clarke walks into the kitchen with her hair still wet and wearing a pair of pajama pants Lexa hasn't seen her wear in forever. Lexa smiles when she notices that Clarke’s wearing one of her old soccer sweatshirt.

 

“This is why you’re sick, Clarke. Dry your hair.” 

 

“Okay, mom.” Clarke mumbles, turning around. It’s ten minutes of Clarke and Lexa bickering in the bathroom with the hairdryer. Lexa can’t stay too mad at Clarke for too long, and with Zeus whining at the closed door, Lexa decides to let Clarke be cranky. 

 

“You know, if you go to be-”

 

“I’m not sleeping without you, nice try.” Clarke replies. 

 

“Okay. I just thought maybe you need more sleep, is all.” Lexa says, trying not to sound too worried, but when Clarke looks up at her, she manages to smile. 

 

“You’re cute when you’re worried. Your eyebrows get all scrunched together.” 

 

“I’m no-” Lexa tries to argue, but Clarke gives her a quick kiss. 

 

“You always worry about me. Even without realizing it.” 

 

They end up taking a walk, only because Clarke insisted on it. _If I'm stuck in that house for one more minute, I’m going to shoot somebody._ So Lexa put Zeus on the leash and grabbed Clarke’s had before Clarke actually started to think about making her threat becoming reality. 

 

When Clarke hasn’t said anything for a few minutes, Lexa almost starts to worry again, and she has to tell her that she shouldn’t worry about every little thing Clarke does. Or doesn't do for that matter. Zeus pulls on his leash, and Lexa trips, not expecting it. Clarke laughs. And that’s it. Lexa’s left with the silence and thinking about what had happened today at school. It was ridiculous how much Lexa had missed her in the short eight hours they were separated. Clarke had become a part of her. Clarke was always a part of her. It wasn’t because they’ve known each other for almost their entire lives, but it was because time and time again, Lexa had chose Clarke over everything, and Clarke did the same. Lexa has never truly known what it was like without Clarke. And she doesn’t want too, so on the hard nights when she remembers exactly how much she has fucked up by getting adopted, and on those nights, when Clarke wakes up, she’s greeted with a, “Did you even sleep, Lex?” And a gentle kiss. That’s more than enough to convince her everything is and will be fine, even if the wrong people found out. 

 

Lexa grabs Clarke’s hand again and kisses her cheek, taking a deep breath to tell herself that she’s just over thinking everything. She had almost forgotten that she was still in her boring town, and that Her and Clarke weren’t in one of the towns over; where they usually go when they get to bored at home, and so when she sees Niylah across the street, she lets go of Clarke’s hand. Clarke gives her a confused look, and Lexa just nods in Niylah’s direction. When Clarke notices her, too, Lexa watches has Clarke’s jaw tightens, and her hand balls into a fist. Clarke was never really the one to get angry, much let it show. Lexa has to tug gently on Clarkes shirt to remind her that they’re walking; that they need to act as if everything is normal. Niylah doesn’t notice them. Yet. Lexa was just starting to get comfortable again, when she hears Niylah’s voice ring out. She had been too bust debating if she should tell Clarke the conversation she had with Niylah or not, that she misses what Niylah has said, and Clarke’s grumbling something to herself. 

 

“None of your business, Niylah.” Clarke says, and Lexa frowns. Clarke’s eyes were glossy, her voice still raspy from her cold, and she was shaking. A small breeze passes and Clarke shakes even more. It was stupid ridiculous moments like these when Lexa hated how powerless she still is. Even after her and Clarke had started dating; successfully at that, the System and the faint memories of her biological parents still haunted her. Lexa was nothing more than a fuck up, and someone as beautiful and ethereal as Clarke was stuck with her. 

 

When Niylah is a small speck down the street, Lexa lets out a huff. “I’m sorry, Clarke.” 

 

“For what? If anything, I should be the one sor-“

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Clarke,” Lexa tells her, lacing their fingers again, knowing that Niylah is out of sight. “I’m sorry for being such a burden. It’s ridiculous that I can’t even enjoy a nice walk with you, so I’m sorry.” 

 

Clarke doesn’t say anything. She stops walking, and so does Lexa. Zeus tugs on his leash impatiently, and Lexa ignores him as he lets out a small whine. Clarke still doesn’t say anything as her fingers run up the inside of Lexa’s wrist, up her bicep and rest there, and Clarke looks up at her. Lexa gasps. She’s not sure if she will ever get over Clarke’s beauty, much less the fact that she’s been waking up every morning next too her, and will be for the rest of her life.

 

“Lexa,” Clarke mumbles, her voice soft and quiet. They’re dry, cracked a little and Lexa still wants to kiss her. She doesn’t care if Clarke is sick; they could be in a middle of a fight, and Lexa would still crave Clarke. “I don’t _care_. Not about Niylah, not about who can see us. I care about _you_. And if you want to kiss me right now, then do it. We shouldn’t have to hide. You shouldn’t feel guilty because I love you, Lex. It’s just how it works.” 

 

“I love you, too, Clarke.” Lexa tells her, feeling satisfied at the moment as she grips Clarke’s hand tighter, bringing their entwined fingers to her lips, kissing Clarke’s knuckles. Lexa could never get enough of Clarke’s hands. Smaller than hers, and somehow, magically, they were always warm. Lexa couldn’t get over how Clarke’s delicate hands could make an amazing picture with a few strokes. Or how they could calm her with a simple touch.

 

“Sometimes I forget how sweet and adorable you are.” 

 

Lexa can hear the smile in Clarke’s voice before she looks down at her before they start walking again. “What’s that supposed to mean, Clarke?” 

 

“Well, you’re always frowning. You’ve got this badass vibe. If I didn’t know how inaccurate that is; I’d be terrified of you.” 

 

“So, I’m intimidating is what you’re saying.” 

 

“Lex, you’ve got looks that could kill. You intimidate the boys on the varsity football team.”

 

“Well, our varsity football team sucks; they’re all like green beans. I could take any of them on,” Lexa says, thinking back to the tall scrawny boys that somehow have managed their football team. “Perhaps Anya and I should try out next year. Teach them how to play.” 

 

“I already worry about you enough when you’re tripping over a sprinkler in the middle of a soccer match, Lexa. I don’t need to worry about 300 pound boys trying crushing you, either.” 

 

“That was one time.” Lexa groans, recalling the game Clarke had addressed easily. It’s not her fault that the school she was playing at had a sprinkler in the middle of the field, waiting for the perfect moment to screw anybody up. She was more fortunate than the player from the opposing team who tripped over it while she was walking backwards and fell. Lexa was surprised that she only had a concussion after seeing a fall like that. 

 

“You also tripped over your own foot and ended up doing a summersault, Lexa. In the middle of the game. The _same_ game.” 

 

“And I still got the goal, love. Your point is?” 

 

“You’re not playing football. You’re already hot enough playing soccer, okay?” Clarke grumbles, and Lexa just grins. “See? That’s what I'm talking about. You’re the complete opposite of what people think of you.”

 

“Then you’re lucky, because you’re the only one who sees it.” 

 

When they get home, Abby’s sitting on the couch, her nose stuck into a book. Lexa and Clarke don’t say anything about it; especially since Abby doesn’t get on their case. Anya comes over a few minutes after, and Lexa’s forced to help her reschedule their last few games. 

 

“If we play against ToncDC, we’ll have a better chance of going to the playoffs. Ontari Queen is hurt.” Anya tells her.

 

“Isn’t this like cheating? The coaches are supposed to do this,” Lexa says. She could careless about who’s hurt and which team. She loves soccer, sure, but she could live not winning one game this season. “And if we do loose, they’ve lost two games. Which means we’ll still be able to go to the playoffs. I’ve never even heard of the other two teams, An.” 

 

“They’re undefeatable, Lex. Where’s your head at? We played them during the preseason.” 

 

“Then we’ll make them defeat able. Simple. We’ve got Octavia, nobody can get past her. And we’ve got you, an-”

 

 

“You’ll be screwing Clarke underneath the bleachers.” 

 

Lexa sighs. She drops her pen, and wheels around to look at Anya, who’s staring at her ceiling. “Okay, what the hell is your problem?” Lexa asks, her voice shaking, trying to stay calm. Anya doesn’t answer, and pulls out her phone and starts tapping away. She mumbles something with a shake of her head, and Lexa’s jaw clenches. She knows that Clarke and Anya aren't the best of friends, but nobody should talk about Clarke like that. Even if it’s her best friend. “You know, you can be such a hypocrite sometimes, Anya.” 

 

Lexa  can hear Anya’s phone hit the floor. “What are you talking about?” 

 

“You missed a match last week because you were screwing Raven! Nobody gets mad at you for doing that, though. It’s automatically wrong because it’s Clarke, right? C-”

 

“Lex, keep your voice down, Abby’s gonna hear.” 

 

“Be-” Lexa stops. She hasn’t noticed that she was raising her voice. She sighs, and runs her fingers through her hair. “Sorry.” Lexa murmurs, suddenly feeling tired. Anya shakes her head, mumbling an apology, too. 

 

“I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s just that Raven and I got into a fight today, and I’m a hundred percent sure that Raven doesn’t want to see me ever again, and it’s stupid. Because we were fine in Chemistry and the-”

 

“What did you guys even fight about?” 

 

Anya huffs, shoving her hands into her pockets, “It was stupid. I was being a jerk. I… It was stupid. And childish. Don’t worry about it. Maybe’ll I’ll be able to fix it, I don’t know and its stupid because…” Anya pauses, then shakes her head, deciding that whatever she was going to say wasn’t worth it, and Lexa sighs. “Lex?” 

 

Lexa looks back up at Anya, and is surprised to see tears threatening to spill. “You love Clarke, right? You fight with her but you wouldn’t actually ever want to hurt her or leave her or… I don’t know. I can’t make it without Raven. I love her and I fucked up.” 

 

Lexa’s shocked, her mouth hanging open. Anya’s never been so open before, or looked so small with tearstained cheeks. “I, uh, I’d start with apologizing to her. With flowers. And then if she decides she’s not angry at you anymore, you can tell her. Or tell her when she’s still angry. Or maybe get her video games instead… Uh-”

 

“Thanks, Lex.” Lexa can’t respond as Anya’s kissing her cheek, slamming her bedroom door behind her as she leaves. 

 

Jake comes home shortly after Anya had left, and Lexa’s left alone to finish the schedule, sitting dangerously close to Clarke as they all squeeze into their couch. It’s obvious that Jake is in a bad mood, and it’s also obvious that Abby and Jake don’t want to talk about it in front of Lexa and Clarke, so when they’re getting ready for bed, Lexa’s not surprised to hear them arguing. 

 

“Lex?” Lexa looks over at Clarke suddenly, and Clarke offers her a small smile that only makes her worry. “I… You’re right. I’ve been telling myself that nothing is going to happen to you, but we both know that’s a lie. It’s just easier to pretend that what we’re doing isn’t stupid and reckless.” 

 

Her heart drops, and she takes a deep breath; trying to prepare herself for what’s coming next. Lexa hated that she could see it coming; Clarke telling her that it wasn’t going to work out. That waiting until they turn eighteen is too long, that after all the reckless shit Lexa had done, they weren’t going to make it. 

 

Maybe they weren’t meant to be, or it was just the wrong time. Or maybe they were meant to love each other from afar. Close enough to see, but never close enough to touch or have. 

 

“I’m sorry, Lexa.” 

 

“I get it,” Lexa mumbles, biting her lip to keep if from shaking. “This whole thing is stupid. We’re being stupid. It’s just some high school fling, right? Nothing more.” She blinks quickly. She wasn’t going to let Clarke see her cry. Lexa knew that they wouldn’t last, no matter how much she wanted them to. She knows that Clarke doesn’t want to hurt her, but she still refuses to give Clarke the satisfaction of seeing her cry. She was going to be fine, seeing Clarke everyday is more than she could ever ask for. 

 

“Lexa, I-” 

 

“I was being selfish, anyways, Clarke. Asking you to do this. I’m sorry.” 

 

It’s funny how fast things change. Two minutes ago, saying Clarke’s name would have made her smile like an idiot. Two minutes, saying Clarke’s name meant that Clarke was hers. Now, it just hurts her to say it. 

 

“Lexa, I can’t do this to you. Take away everything you’ve been given.” 

 

“I would give it up in the blink of an eye.” 

 

Clarke doesn’t say anything in response to that, but Lexa can tell that she’s getting ready to cry, too. “I, uh, I’ll see you in the morning.” Lexa mumbles. 

 

And just like that, when Lexa walks out, closing the door behind her, she’s sure she’s just crossed a line she can’t uncross. Lexa had forgotten that in her room, there was a stack of books by the door. They fall over, with a small thud, and Lexa steps over them, not wanting to do anything but curl up in a ball. When her head hits her pillow, she hears paper crumbling, and throws her pillow angrily across the room, knowing that the drawing Clarke had gave her all those years ago was still there. 

 

Lexa doesn’t cry. She doesn’t have it in her. Knowing that Clarke was in the room next to hers was still enough to give her some hope. She can’t fall asleep. After an hour, she hears Zeus whining at her door, and scratches at it. Clarke must’ve let him out. Lexa doesn't bother to let him in, and soon enough, he figures out how to open it with a nudge of his nose and a paw on the handle. He immediately jumps onto the bed next to her, licking her face. When he curls up in a ball, Lexa doesn’t tell him to move, but rather buries her face in his fur and tries not to think of Clarke in the next room, all alone. 

* * *

 

The next day, when Lexa walks through the school doors next to Clarke, she can see Raven and Anya talking again, both with smiles on their faces. After last night, things between Lexa and Clarke were awkward. Lexa sleeping through her alarm clock, and running into Clarke, spilling orange juice all over the both of  them. Clarke had taken a shower, and Lexa had to remind herself that she couldn’t kiss Clarke’s bare neck and get rid of the towel wrapped around her. 

 

If that wasn’t bad enough, Lexa had reached for Clarke’s hand when they gotten into the car quietly. Both of them agreed wordlessly that it didn’t happen as Lexa backed out of the driveway. 

 

And here they are, awkwardly walking next to each other, trying avoid looking at each other, anywhere but at each other. Lexa didn’t make note of Clarke’s bloodshot eyes, and in return, Clarke didn’t make note of the dark circles underneath Lexa’s eyes. 

 

Lexa doesn’t say anything as Clarke walks away, not saying anything. Watching her walk away was even harder; it’s always easier to be the one who walks away. It’s even hard to not look back. Clarke does look back, a small glance over her shoulder. Lexa sighs as she pretends not to see it, walking to her locker, a few feet away from Anya’s. 

 

“Hey, Lexa.” Raven says nicely, smiling at her as Anya closes her locker with a clang. “How are you?” 

 

_Terrible. Tired. Missing Clarke._

 

“I’m good, thanks for asking,” Lexa settles on with a shrug. “You?” Lexa tries to ignore Raven laughing at something Anya had whispered into her ear. Lexa’s fingers slip in her lock, passing 15. Now she has to start over. 

 

“I’m good,” Lexa hears Raven reply chirpily. “Where’s Griff?” 

 

Lexa groans as she passes her number again. She slams her hand against the metal, shaking her head. “I don’t know, I haven't talked to her, Raven.” Lexa tries her best to not sound annoyed with the Latina. Raven doesn’t seem to bothered by Lexa’s tone, shrugging, but Anya gives her a questioning look, mouthing, _What’s wrong?_

 

Lexa only gives her a shrug. She wasn’t in the mood to talk about Clarke, or think about Clarke. It hurt too much to remember that she was stupid enough to have hope. The bell rings, and Anya grabs her wrist before she can storm off. “Rae, I’ll be there in a second, ‘kay?” Anya turns her attention back to Lexa, crossing her arms. 

 

“Something’s bothering you. Spill.” 

 

“Nothing’s wrong, An. I’m just tired. I-”

 

“You haven’t had a bad day since you started dating Clarke. What’s wrong?” 

 

“Nothing. Clarke, uh, dumped me? I don’t know what to call it. She didn’t really break up with me, but she was talking about getting caught and… Yeah.” Lexa finishes pathetically. She looks down at her sneakers, and notices a small dot of red paint on the black fabric. Now, she’ll have to clean her shoes, too. Anya mumbles something about talking to Clarke, and Lexa just runs her fingers through her hair. This time it wasn’t in a braid, normally how Clarke ends up doing it before school. 

 

“Look, Lexa, I need to okay? It’s not about Clarke. But you should know.” 

 

“Wow, that doesn’t make me concerned at all.” Lexa says sarcastically. 

 

“Lexa, I’m serious. You can’t get mad, okay? You can cut class, but don’t do anything stupider than that, okay? Promise me.” Anya had taken a careful step forward, her hand resting on Lexa’s arm. “Promise me, Lex.” 

 

“Fine,” Lexa grumbles, finally pulling her eyes off of her sneakers, looking at Anya, “I promise.” 

 

Anya nods, satisfied with her answer and lets out a sigh. “Your birth mom is back in town. I ran into her over break, and she’s…”

 

Lexa doesn’t hear the rest. Her head is spinning, and she has to lean against the lockers to steady herself. She should’ve told Anya that she didn’t want to hear anything about her mom. She barley remembers her, and now she pops back into her life. Lexa simply did not want to deal with it. She had already fucked up with Clarke and the Griffins. She certainly didn’t want to meet the person who was supposed to love her more than anything, didn’t. 

 

“Lex?” Anya’s voice is gentle. Right now, Anya’s the only thing keeping her grounded. Keeping her from completely going over the edge and just giving up. Lexa’s done with everything that’s been getting thrown at her. 

 

“Are you sure it’s her?” 

 

“Positive. I’m sorry, Lex.” 

 

* * *

 

That Friday night, with Clarke and Raven in the front row of the bleachers, and Anya patting her back in a congratulations, Lexa has almost forgotten that she wasn’t happy. She scans the crowd quickly when she notices that Anya’s not looking at Raven, but a woman standing away from the crowd. 

 

“Don’t look at her, Lex. Or Clarke. Don’t think about them.” Anya says, tugging on her shoulder. Lexa nods. The past week, she’s been following Anya’s orders like a puppet. She knows that right now, if anyone was going to help her make the right decisions, it was Anya. 

 

They were in the fourth quarter of one of their last games. One of the most important, with the playoffs in four weeks. They were down 0-1, and has much Lexa hated to admit it, it was because she couldn’t focus. She had cut class almost everyday that week, and she’s lucky their coach is even letting her play. The referee has to get her attention, and she jogs to the center line. Octavia and Anya stand on either side of her, and the referee places the ball in front of her. Lexa sizes up her newest competition, a girl taller than her, with dark brown eyes and hair pulled back. 

 

The whistle blows, and Lexa passes it to Octavia. They’ve done it so many times, and Lexa’s able to step side the girl as Octavia passes it back. Anya wasn’t in her line of sight, and with the ball at her feet, Lexa nearly trips as she’s elbowed in the ribcage. She barley kicks it as she falls over, a tumble of limbs as she takes down the other girl with her. 

 

In the background, she can hear Monty Green screaming into the PA system that nobody pays attention too, and the girl next to her cursing. “That’s a yellow card. Fuck you, Woods.” She spits, standing up quickly. 

 

“Yeah?” Lexa spits back as she helps herself up. “When and where?” 

 

Crossing her arms stubbornly, the girl shakes her head. “Only in your wildest dreams.” And with that, she starts walking away, her head hung low as she sees that the tied score. 

 

“What the hell does that mean?” Lexa shouts after her, and Octavia pulls on her arm roughly. 

 

“Lexa,” Octavia says sternly, lowering her voice. “You’ve been in three fights this year. Don’t start another. I know that you and Clarke broke up and it fucking sucks, but pull yourself together. You can just walk away. Just _walk_ away, Lexa.” Octavia pushes on her shoulder when Lexa starts to push past her. 

 

“But-”

 

“Lexa. I know that you feel like you have to do it, but you don’t. I used to be the same way. Every time someone said something that pissed me off, it made me feel like I just had to prove them wrong. It’s just the world trying to get under your skin. And guess what? You’re a lot better than this.” 

 

Octavia’s not the one to give little pep talks, or give Lexa advice. They were teammates, sure. They were friends. Not close the way Lexa and Anya are. Lexa nods, and Octavia pats her shoulder, “It was a good play, too.” She tells Lexa. She manages to smile at that. 

 

Their coach calls a timeout, and she’s expecting him to tell her that she shouldn’t play anymore, and she wasn’t going to argue. She was able to get a goal- after a game of screw ups. She’s had too many things on her mind to play. 

  
“This hasn't been our best game, girls!” He says loudly, and a few pair of eyes land on Lexa. “Lexa, that was an amazing play. We’ve got two minutes left, and I'm sure you girls don’t want to go into overtime, do you? It’ll be simple, Anya and Lexa go back in as forwards, and Octavia falls back as center midfield. They get the ball this time, so if they get past Griffin and Asher, I'm expecting you to do some magic, Blake.”  

 

“Whatever you say, coach.” Octavia says. 

 

“Good. Everything else stays the same. Are we clear on that, girls?” There’s a union of yeses and Lexa jogs back onto the field with Anya. Anya’s smirking; as usual, getting ready to launch as soon as they pass the ball. 

 

Lexa closes her eyes- and waits for the whistle. The students on the bleachers are roaring, and if she listens close enough, she can almost hear Clarke and Raven yelling. After a few seconds, the whistle blows, and Lexa’s eyes fly open again. The same girl as before is towering over her, and she passes the ball to the right, where Anya’s waiting. Half of the crowd groans when they realize that Anya has the ball, and Lexa smiles as Anya gives her a playful wink as she passes by. Lexa runs after her, knowing exactly what Anya will say after the whistle goes off again. 

 

_That was too easy, Lex. They could give us a challenge, don’t you think?_

 

The ball near hits Lexa in the face when they manage to deflect Anya’s attempt. Suddenly, there’s dirt flying, her shoving the other girl out of the way, and three pairs of feet trying to gain control. Lexa manages to get it- only for a few seconds before she passes it to Anya again. 

 

Monty Green voice fills her ears again, and Anya’s shouting happily, but Lexa can’t match her happiness. They won the game; not for the first time, and Lexa’s sure it wouldn’t be for the last time, either. “C’mon, Lexa!” Anya yells, “You could smile for once!”

 

She gives her a forced smile, and Anya laughs, shaking her head. “I’m sorry. I know it’s hard for you to be happy right now.” 

 

“It’s good that you’re happy,” Lexa tells her. “Or I’m sure I would be dead by now.” 

 

That makes Anya frown, “Don’t say that, Lexa. I need you to stay here, okay?” 

 

Lexa can’t find the words, so she nods. Their coach is smiling, giving them high fives, or rather forcing them to give him high fives. A chorus of _good game_ comes from the opposing team, and they mope away. Lexa wants to join them and go home and curl up in her bed. 

 

Anya doesn’t let it happen. 

* * *

 

The next morning, when Lexa wakes up to Anya and Raven standing over her, she nearly has a heart attack, “Holy shit!” She says loudly, gripping her comforter tighter, over her chest. “What the hell are you guys doing in here?! You know this isn’t normal, right?” She ask them. 

 

“Oh, what are you going to do about it?” Raven asks, tossing her a clean shirt. Lexa hadn’t bothered to change out of her uniform last night. “Kick us out? You wouldn’t do that to your best friends would you?” 

 

Lexa rolls her eyes as Anya tells her to take a shower. 

 

“Lexa Woods, you are filthy,” Raven announces. “Now, listen to Anya so we can prepare you for the greatest three day weekend of our lives.” 

 

To Anya and Raven, the greatest three day weekend of their lives was dragging her and Clarke into the middle of nowhere, cramped into Anya’s small car. Lexa had managed to convince that Raven should sit in the backseat with Clarke, not wanting to spend four hours in silence with her. Much less than the two and half days Anya and Raven were going to force them to deal with each other.

 

Lexa has decided to not question how they also convinced all of their parents that this was a good idea, or how Raven was going to be able handle walking on a trail. She learned the hard way that she shouldn’t question Raven, even if it’s because she’s trying to look out for her. Simply put, Raven makes it clear that she can go take care of herself. 

 

The first half of the car ride is bearable, since she falls asleep with her knees tucked underneath her chin, a hood pulled over her head. The second half is more bearable than she thought it would be, talking to Anya. Anya and Raven seem oblivious to the fact that Lexa and Clarke haven’t spoken a word to each other for a week- and this weekend was going to help. Lexa had assumed that Clarke didn’t want to talk to her, and since Clarke hasn’t done anything to prove that she was wrong, Lexa has just been keeping to herself. 

 

“Do you guys even know the first thing about camping?” Clarke asks Raven and Anya, and Lexa snickers at that. Anya can barely cook herself scrambled eggs, even if her life depended on it. So the fact that Anya was even open to this idea was bizarre. Lexa couldn’t see Raven enjoying this, too absorbed in making home explosives and video games. 

 

“Yes, now shut up, Griffin, we’re almost there,” Raven says and flicks Lexa’s ear, “Stop laughing. I happen to be highly experienced when it comes to camping, okay?” Lexa rolls her eyes, and Raven flicks her ear again. 

 

“Ow! Anya, tell your girlfriend to stop abusing me.” 

 

“Like she’d yell at a cripple.” Raven says, then gives Lexa cheeky smile. “Besides, she loves me too much.” 

 

Clarke has stayed quiet the entire ride, and Lexa almost asks her what’s wrong, but she decides against it, biting her lip and turning around to look out the windshield again, ignoring something that Raven says. Anya still hasn’t answered any of Lexa questions, and Lexa’s ready to hate whatever happens, or be prepared for the worst. 

 

Eventually, after an hour of driving on a dirt road, Anya pulls up to an empty spot next to a lake, and Lexa groans. Two days with Raven, Anya, and a Clarke who refused to talk to her in the middle of nowhere wasn’t how she planned her weekend to end up. She would’ve expected Octavia to come up too, maybe lighten the load of trying to talk to Clarke, but Lexa was left to fend for herself. 

 

Anya has to push her out of the car, and nearly pokes her eye out with a fishing pole. “Now, I know you’ve never been fishing, but Raven and I are counting on you. You and Clarke are smart enough to figure it out, anyways.”  

 

“Have fun!” Raven says loudly, shoving Clarke in her direction. Lexa doesn’t say anything as Anya slaps a hat onto her head, and a small cooler into her hand. 

 

“They’re fucking crazy,” Clarke mutters. “This is ridiculous.” 

 

Lexa settles on thinking that it was going to be the closest thing she has to a conversation with Clarke this weekend. She should be thanking Anya for the distraction from the things at home, but Clarke was just a constant reminder of what she fucked up. 

 

It takes them nearly thirty minutes to get to the middle of the lake, after several sarcastic comments and almost having a shouting match. Clarke mumbles something for the thousandth time, and Lexa had been so focused on not responding, or even looking at Clarke, but she whips around to face her this time. 

“You know, if you’re going to be salty, the least you could do is _shut_ up.” Lexa snaps. 

 

“What the hell is your problem?” 

 

“Nothing! You’re so cranky, its freaking contagious, Clarke. Just stop grumbling how bad your life is for five seconds and be quiet! It’s not that hard!” 

 

“You can just leave, you know!” Clarke says loudly, slamming the cover back onto the cooler. 

 

“Yeah, because I can walk on water. Wouldn’t that be fun.” Lexa replies, crossing her arms over her chest. Clarke shakes her head, and groans. Clarke’s not looking at her, instead she’s watching the water, lapping against the side of the boat, but Lexa can’t tear her eyes off of Clarke. 

 

The hook of her nose, or how some strands of hair fall in front of her blue eyes, and the faint bruise on her neck. 

 

Lexa sure as hell didn’t leave it there. She tries to look away, but she sees another one that disappears under the collar of Clarke’s shirt. It takes Clarke five days to move on. Lexa wasn’t that angry before, but now, she’s furious. Clarke apologizing for breaking up with her, and saying that she didn’t want too, but it’d be better for both of them. Only for her to start sleeping with someone else. 

 

“Niylah?” Lexa asks, gripping the handle of the fish pole tighter, still finding the whole situation bizarre. If Raven and Anya thought that this trip would somehow magically bring Lexa and Clarke back together, they were dead wrong. It was just bringing them father apart. Right now, Lexa feels as if they’re as close as strangers, wasting their time talking on a broken line. 

 

“What?” 

 

“You’re neck- it was Niylah, wasn’t it?” 

 

Clarke shifts awkwardly, covering up the fading bruise. “It’s none of your business, Lexa.” 

 

“Of course it’s my business, Clarke! You break up with me, and it takes you four days to move on?” 

 

“Oh, get over yourself! Okay, Lex? I didn’t want it to happen, I had to tell her to stop, you idiot!” 

Lexa was getting ready to yell, to have a response to whatever Clarke was going to tell her next, but instead her mouth hangs open as she stares at Clarke. “W-what?” Lexa stutters, suddenly feeling like an idiot. Their conversation has taken such a sharp turn, Lexa had forgotten why they were even fighting in the first place. “She… Why didn’t you tell me?” 

 

“And make you feel even more guilty after breaking up with you? I know you. You’re blaming yourself right now.” 

 

“Because if I didn’t get adopted, none of this would have happened. If I…” Lexa trails off, trying to find another excuse, anything for Clarke to not feel like this. Clarke should’ve told her. Even if Lexa couldn’t do anything about it. She hated to know that Clarke feels like she deserves everything that has happened to her. “If I didn’t love you, you wouldn’t have worry.” 

 

“Lexa. Don’t say that. I… I still love you. I love you enough to let you go.” 

 

“It’s not what you want,” Lexa mumbles, immediately feeling guilty. Clarke’s now looking at her, her blue eyes never leaving her. “You didn’t have to do this.” 

 

“And take everything away from you? Lexa, you’re asking me to do something crazy.” 

 

“It’s not loosing everything if I have you.” 

 

Raven and Anya have managed to set up two tents when Clarke and Lexa get back. They even have a pit for a fire, and Lexa regrets not believing them when they said they would be fine. Her and Clarke haven’t said anything since they’ve fought, but Lexa has caught Clarke sneaking glances at her, and Clarke has caught her. 

 

Lexa found the whole situation bizarre. They both admitted that they both didn't want to be away from each other, and Clarke was still too hardheaded and stubborn to let things return to normal. Lexa’s convinced that Clarke would stay that way until they turn eighteen. Two years- and Lexa knows that it’s a long shot. 

 

Once it starts to get cooler, Lexa watches as Anya starts a fire in less than a minute, without any matches. She rolls her eyes as Anya brags about it, and when Raven tosses Lexa a bag of marshmallows, she sighs. 

 

Lexa wasn’t sure of what she expected. But sitting close to Clarke and a fire while watching Anya and Raven get comfortable with each other and acting disgustingly in love, she can’t help it as she finds Clarke’s warm hand and wraps in in her cold one. Clarke doesn’t pull her hand away, instead, she moves closer, her face in Lexa’s neck. “I’m sorry.” Lexa hears Clarke whispers over the crackle of the fire, and she leans back, to look at Clarke. 

 

“It’s okay. We’re okay, aren’t we?” 

 

Clarke nods, and rests her head on Lexa’s shoulder as she tosses more wood into the fire. It’s almost like nothing has changed. 

* * *

 

Lexa was right. Nothing has changed. It’s only a few seconds later when her and Clarke are in their tent, “We’re not supposed to be doing this,” Clarke sighs softly, keeping her head tilted to the side as Lexa continues to press opened mouth kisses against her thundering pulse point. Her fingernails make a path down the length of Lexa’s bare back, and she can already feel her body heating up. They’re supposed to be sleeping, in separate sleeping bags, backs to each other and as far away as they can possible be in the small tent, but here they are, convincing themselves that they can be together one more time- before they have to go back home. 

 

“Don’t go.” Lexa whispers as she slowly spreads Clarke’s legs, never taking her lips away from Clarke’s neck. Hours ago, they were ask close as strangers, still struggling to deal with the fact that Clarke had ended them. They fought; they made up. Or it seems like they’ve made up. Now, the world around them doesn’t matter. Clarke can’t remember the last time it truly did. 

 

“We can’t control that.” Clarke intended to something else, but her breath catches in her throat when Lexa’s hands find the heat between her legs. Clarke’s legs inadvertently start to dig into the skin of Lexa’s back, and then her head lolls to the side when Lexa starts to kiss down the valley between her breasts. 

 

Clarke’s hands get lost in Lexa’s hair, and she briefly marvels at how long it it is. Lexa always teases about getting it cut, and Clarke secretly hopes that Lexa never gets around to it. She’s certain that Lexa would look good with any hairstyle, but she enjoys having something to hold onto at times like this. 

 

“We can pretend. Just a little while longer.” Lexa murmurs as she quickly slides down Clarke’s body, leaving wet, open mouthed kisses in her wake. Clarke lets out a confused and shaky protest when Lexa moves her hand from her legs. She lifts her head to see what Lexa’s doing, and finds Lexa looking up at her intensely, a thousand of emotions in her eyes. Clarke should stop this before they hurt each other even more, but she guides Lexa’s hand back to where it belongs. Lexa complies, and Clarke sighs in relief when Lexa resumes her ministrations. Her breathing picks up again, and Clarke’s certain that she won’t even last ten minutes.

 

She grips at the sleeping bag underneath her and stars down at Lexa reverently, feeling her heart expand as green eyes lock onto her. Clarke breathlessly urges Lexa to go a little faster, to press down a little harder, but Lexa doesn’t give her what she wants. Lexa whispers three empty words, and just when Clarke gets used to the torturously slow pace, Lexa applies a little too much pressure, and a sharp gasp falls from her mouth. 

 

She can feel the signs of her release building up inside of her, she feels the tightness at the base of her stomach, and Clarke has to remind herself to breath. Her vision starts to get spotty and then everything is crystal clear. The pressure building between her legs disappears, and for a few seconds, Clarke is so confused, that she can do nothing but stare at the top of the tent in disbelief. She lifts her her head to see why Lexa has stopped, but instead of Lexa’s bright green eyes, all she sees is the top of her head. 

 

Clarke chokes on her next intake of air when she feels Lexa’s tongue on her, right where her fingers haven been seconds ago. Her head quickly falls back down onto the pillow, and her eyes slam shut. She reaches for the closest thing within reach, Lexa’s left, and for a few minutes, she just focuses on the feeling building up inside of her. It’s more intense this time around, and Clarke numbly wonders how Lexa got good at what she does. It surely can’t be from experience- because no one’s tongue should be as nimble as Lexa’s is. It should be be so easy to push Clarke over the edge, yet Lexa does it effortlessly, and Clarke can’t hold back the tidal wave in her stomach. Lexa doesn’t stop after just one, but in that moment Clarke is to sensitive she has to twist her body until she’s out of Lexa’s reach. 

 

Lexa settles for kissing Clarke’s trembling inner thighs, biting and sucking gently, and Lexa’s nails scratch lightly at her hips. Clarke just lies there and recovers for a moment. When her breathing evens out, she brushes sweaty strands of hair out of her eyes and tightly wraps her legs around Lexa before flipping them over, and she leans down and presses an insistent kiss against Lexa’s lips. 

 

“Clarke,” Lexa mumbles, her fingers resting against her collarbone. “You can sleep, you know.” A small teasingly smile makes its way to Lexa’s lips, and she kisses Clarke’s forehead, “Anything you want, love.” 

 

_Love_. 

 

Clarke hates how much affect a simple word has on her. She went days without hearing Lexa talk to her, much less call her love. They always ended up like this; unable to resist each other and whispering _I love you’s_ into each other ears. Clarke knew that Lexa meant it. Lexa still does, with careful fingers tracing her hip, green eyes watching her to make sure she’s okay when she doesn’t answer. Lexa was always going to be the same gentle and considerate person Clarke has known. Nothing was ever going to change that. Not even Clarke tell her that they can’t do this. Every time Clarke asked Lexa if she was sure she was okay with them, Lexa gave her the same answer every time. 

 

This time, before Clarke can ask Lexa anything, Lexa kisses her cheek and whispers, “Only for you, Clarke.” 

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Clarke wakes up alone in the tent. There’s not a sign that Lexa was even in there with her. She grabs a sweatshirt, and notices that it’s actually Lexa’s; one that she stole months ago. She stumbles out of the tent, blinded by the sun for a few moments, but sees Lexa and Raven arguing by the fire pit. “No, that’s not how Anya did it!” Raven says, holding up some flint. “Alexandria Woods, get the fuck out of my way and let me start the fire.” They don’t hear Clarke come out over their arguing, and Clarke decides that it’s safest to watch from a distance; for now. 

 

Lexa laughs, crossing her arms over her chest. “Was that supposed to intimidate me, Reyes? If so, you need to practice your methods.” 

 

“This is seriously coming from you? You cry when Clarke kisses you!” 

 

Lexa gasp dramatically at that. “Clarke said she wouldn’t tell! It was one time, Reyes!” 

 

“Whatever you say. You’re not so badass as everyone thinks.” Raven chirps, and Lexa step to the side, grumbling to herself as she watches Raven start the fire, rubbing the back of her neck. Clarke can’t help but watch. Lexa’s sweatpants hang low on her hips, her hair swept to one side, exposing her neck. And her back muscles. Even from here, Clarke can see them through the thin fabric of Lexa’s shirt. Lexa’s barefoot, and Clarke wants to yell at her before she manages to do any real damage to them. 

 

Lexa turns around, facing her, and smiles when she sees Clarke. “C’mon, Clarke. Raven’s making us breakfast. Hopefully she won’t burn it.” 

 

“I am more than capable of cooking breakfast, Woods!” Raven shouts, poking at Lexa with a stick. 

 

“For someone so short, you’ve got a big temper, Reyes.” Lexa replies with a smirk. That stupid smirk. It makes Clarke want to grab Lexa by the fabric of her shirt and kiss her. Wordlessly, Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa’s waist from behind, burying her face between Lexa’s shoulder blades. 

 

“Lovebirds.” Clarke hears Raven mumble as Lexa finds her hand, intertwining their hands. They stand their, and Clarke can feel as Lexa takes a sharp breath. She knows that it’s because Lexa’s holding back a question; stopping herself from asking Clarke if everything is alright. Clarke is glad that Lexa doesn't ask her anything, able to soak in the fact that for now, everything is perfect. Even with Raven grumbling a few feet away. 

 

“Raven, don’t you da-” Lexa never gets to finish her sentence as she’s cut off by the sound of fire roaring. 

 

“You don’t throw gasoline into a fire, Raven!” Lexa shouts, and Clarke can’t help but laugh as Raven laughs in response. 

 

“I needed it to get bigger so I could cook breakfast! Take a chill pill, Lexa!” 

 

Anya comes running out of her tent, eyes wild. First, she stares at Clarke and Lexa, then at Raven, who’s still holding the small container of gasoline, and looks away sheepishly as Anya looks at her. “Raven Paige Reyes,” She says slowly,  “As much as I love you, it is way too early to be waking up to explosions and yelling.” 

 

“I was jus cooking breakfast, babe. It’s not my fault Lexa overrated.” 

 

“She threw gasoline onto a fire! I did not overreact.” Lexa says with a pout, and Clarke leans up to kiss her. Maybe it’s asking for too much, kissing Lexa again, but Lexa squeezes her hip and kisses her back, biting at her lower lip. 

 

“You’re cute when you’re scared.” Clarke mumbles when they pull away, and Lexa groans quietly. 

 

“I was not scared, Clarke. I was simply surprised that Reyes would be stupid enough t-”

 

Clarke kisses her again, and she can almost hear Raven roll her eyes. 

 

“You owe me twenty dollars, Anya!” 

 

Lexa and Clarke look at the two other girls the moment they hear it. They’re both sitting in the folding chairs the brought, a twenty dollar bill halfway to making it into Raven’s hand and Anya grumbles that it’s not fair, because she pays for the dates. 

 

“You bet on us? On what?” 

 

“I said you guys would get back together before we left. Anya said you’d guys fight some more and get back together next weekend.” 

 

When Clarke and Lexa don't respond, just stare blankly at them, Raven grows nervous. “You guys are back together, right? God, if not…” Clarke looks up at Lexa. They didn’t have that conversation last night. Lexa had only mumbled that they could pretend for the weekend. Then go back to their respective lives. They’ve been doing a lot of that; pretending. Pretending that nothing has happened between them around Jake and Abby. Pretending that what they were doing didn’t have and consequences. 

 

Lexa looks back down at Clarke, her eyes masked from emotion as she nods in Raven and Anya’s direction, and Clarke knows what Lexa’s telling her. _It’s your choice. You can tell them._

 

“I, um… Yeah. Lex and I are dating again.” Clarke manages to choke out, and Lexa squeezes her a little closer; wordlessly preparing themselves for the conversation they were going to have to have in the near future. 

 

Clarke has never been more wrong in her life. 

 

It takes a few moments of comfortable silence between all four girls before Clarke and Lexa start arguing again. 

 

They’re standing forty feet away from each other. Raven and Anya still sit in their folding chairs, watching Clarke and Lexa like a tennis match. If Clarke wasn’t so mad at Lexa, she’d tell them to stop watching them like idiots. People fight. It happens. 

 

“You know, you could be a little less obvious of how much you don’t want me around!” Lexa shouts at her, and Clarke doesn’t even rack her brain to tell Lexa she’s wrong. 

 

“Can you blame me? Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with you! You act like everything is so hard on you, and my parents have been taking care of you for as long as I can remember! You milk the fact that you’re a part of the system! Newsflash, Lexa! Nobody! Cares! Not about your daddy issues and how sorry you feel for yourself!” 

 

Anya intervenes then, stepping in front of Clarke. “Clarke, that’s a little too far, don’t you think?” Anya says lowly, her voice cold and serious as she rests a hand on Clarke’s arm. 

 

It doesn’t stop Lexa from having a quick response, not seeming to care that Anya had broken out a white flag for them. “Yeah? You're talking to me about daddy issues and feeling bad for myself when you’re the one who screwed Niylah because you felt bad for yourself?” 

 

“Hey! That’s enough!” Everyone looks over at Raven, words on the tip of Clarke’s tongue. She regrets starting the fight; she can’t even remember what started it, and she should’ve stopped it when she had a chance. Even things that happened months ago were following her around. Clarke should’ve shut up about Lexa’s parents. Lexa should've shut up about Niylah. 

 

“You both are acting so unbelievably immature, I can’t understand why Anya and I thought this was a good idea! If you and Lexa hate each other so much, why the hell did you guys even date? Do you understand that? This is _not_ normal! I get it, Lexa has trouble with her birth parents. You don’t need to make her feel guilty about it!” Clarke can see a small smirk forming on Lexa’s lips, but she also notices how its to hide the small frown. “You too, Woods! It’s not like Clarke cheated on you! Let it go!” 

 

“That’s my girlfriend.” Anya mumbles stupidly, and Clarke rolls her eyes, and yanks her arm out of Anya’s grip. 

 

Clarke and Lexa stay on opposite sides of camp while Raven and Anya pack up, and don’t look at each other as they get into Anya’s car. 

 

And when they get home, they’re greeted by Jake and Abby with crossed arms, and Lexa’s social worker sipping on a cup of coffee. Lexa refuses to look at her, but as Clarke looks up at her, she can see the undeniable look of fear in her, but she stares down her social worker with an icy scare. 

 

“What did I do wrong this time?” 

 


	9. COOL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just more of a filler? I'm not even sure what it is, I just felt the need to update.

_When I've got that cigarette smoke and Saint Laurent coat, but nothing is feeling right_

* * *

 

Lexa didn’t do anything wrong. Besides her relationship with Clarke; but if that’s why she’s being faced with her case manager, someone she hasn’t seen in years, she assumed that it’d be a lot worse. Maybe some screaming and maybe even a police car to make sure nothing goes wrong.

 

However, sitting across from him with papers sprawled all over the kitchen table seemed just as bad. He takes a sip from the cup of tea Abby had made from him, tapping his pen on the table. Lexa finds that she’s matching his tapping- with her foot as she bites at her nails nervously. Her fight with Clarke has made it’s way to the back of her mind, the least of her worries as she tries to scan his papers, looking for a hint that can tell her what’s going on. 

 

He finally looks at her, and Lexa feels uncomfortable underneath his stare, but stares back. Still tapping her for, she tries to patiently wait for him to tell her why he’s here. When that doesn’t happen, she taps her fingers on the table, too, until she decides that she’s annoying herself even more, and grabs a piece of paper, and he raises an eyebrow, tearing it out of her hands. 

 

Not fast enough, though, as Lexa’s able to recognize it as her birth mother, her name in bold, **_Athena Woods_**. Lexa quickly scans the table, hoping to see if there’s another one on her father, but when she doesn’t find one, she leans back into her chair. Lexa looks at her social worker, and he eventually sighs. Lexa’s trying to piece everything together, if he’s here because something has happened to her birth mom, or if because they changed the rules and they have to check in now, but it doesn’t make sense. Nothing ties together, and Lexa groans. She’s usually able to see a few steps ahead, and the only conclusion she can come to is Clarke. They weren’t careful enough. 

 

“I don’t want to do this. You seem happy here, but it’s my job.” Lexa supposes that he’s trying to pull out a white flag before any real damage is done, or if he’s just trying to get sympathy from her, provoke a response. Whatever the reason, Lexa shrugs. She’s accepted the fact that what happens is what happens, and after everything she’s done, she probably deserves it. Especially now, even after her fight with Clarke, she’s still aching to be able to reach for her hand. They’ve always been behind closed doors, and Lexa’s sure that in someways, just seeing Clarke across the hall at school broke her heart. 

 

“Then do your job.” Lexa says as she slouches in her chair. She faintly remembers that she has homework to do, but obviously, she’s not getting out of this, as it seems to be a much more important matter. Lexa tries to act indifferent, but she wonders if he can hear her heart beating faster as she tries to ignore the feeling in her stomach, the one she usually gets when things seem to be wrong. 

 

Through the small entrance to the kitchen, Lexa can see Clarke sitting on the couch next to Jake and Abby, and Zeus sitting on her lap. Lexa hated to think of how fast things changed, how less than twenty four hours ago, her and Clarke were happy. Stuck in the small tent Raven and Anya had forced them to share. It was Clarke who said that they needed to stay away from each other, and it was Lexa who couldn’t resist it. Sometimes Lexa wasn’t sure if she enjoyed the fact that her and Clarke always ended up together, or if she hated it because eventually, it would have to end. 

 

He runs his fingers through his hair, and sighs again, “It’s, uh, come to our attention that you have a _special_ relationship with your sister, Clarke.” 

 

Lexa ignores the empathy he puts on special, trying to formulate a response that wouldn’t be too strange. She hates the way that the mention of Clarke has Lexa wishing that they were still in the tent, or locked away in Clarke room where everything seems to be perfect. It’s not supposed to be perfect; she knows that, but even when they fought, Clarke made everything okay. Maybe Lexa had gotten too comfortable with that. Clarke was like her safety net; if she was taken away, Lexa’s not sure if she’ll make it. 

 

“Well,” Lexa mumbles, leaning forward on her elbows. “Clarke and I care about each other. Is that okay, or do sisters not do that?” _Clarke and I aren’t sisters._ Lexa wonders if it’s bad that the moment someone even mention Clarke, all she does is tell herself that they aren’t sisters. It’s become a mantra to her. It’s the one thing that runs through her head, even though the papers in front of her prove her wrong; time and time again. But if someone just looked at Lexa, Clarke was written all over her. Her name was the first thing that ran through Lexa’s head when she woke up, the last thing on her mind when she went to bed. Or maybe Clarke had never left her mind in the first place. 

 

“It’s come to our attention that you and Clarke have a sexual relationship.” Dan says, ripping the bandaid off. It doesn't hurt, but surprises Lexa with how straightforward he is. 

 

If Lexa hadn’t kept her mouth shut, the first thing that would have flown out her mouth was, _We did. That ended this morning._ Instead, her hands fall to her knees, and she looks away, giving him a shrug. She’s already let her emotions get the best of her; not being able to act indifferently, and she knows that he makes a note of it, not in the annoying way by writing it down on a piece of paper, but he leans forward. With the look he gives her, she wants to let him know that it was more than just sleeping with Clarke. She loves Clarke and having someone just assume that, reducing it to almost nothing was more than enough to make her snap. She wants to get Clarke in here, let him know that it was so much more than that. 

 

“Clarke’s pretty cute, isn’t she?” He asks, giving her a small smirk, and Lexa takes a deep breath, trying to ignore the anger coursing through her veins. 

 

There was so many things fucked up about this situation. The fact that a grown man is trying to make Lexa angry; the fact that it _worked_. On top of that, Lexa’s trying to decide if she should lie about being with Clarke, or just admit it and face the consequences. She could just walk away from everything that has happened between her and Clarke by lying; but she doesn’t want to do that. Clarke was always going to be her first choice, even after their fight. Lexa wasn’t going to just forget everything. 

 

“It was more than that,” Lexa whispers, looking at him, and he seems surprised by her answer. “Clarke’s a lot more than that. She never was my sister. I know it’s against the rules and that I’ll be taken to a group home, but it was worth it, being able to love her even if she hates me.” It’s then when he scrambles for a blank piece of paper, clicking his pen nervously, clearly forgetting about the tape recorder that sits between them. Lexa eyes it, and ignores the feeling in her stomach when she sees that he didn’t forget to hit the record button from when they sat down. 

 

Lexa’s sure that if Clarke ever hears this tape, she’ll have another good reason to hate her. She’ll be put into a group home, with other kids who were never adopted or that they were adopted into bad families and tried to ran away. Or kids who blew their chance of ever actually getting adopted, just like Lexa has. She can already imagine what the other kids will say once they find out why she’s there. _“You screwed your sister? Was it worth it?”_

 

Lexa doesn’t have it in her to admit anything else. It’s too personal, too intimate; the way Clarke was only for her. Clarke’s raspy voice in the morning, Clarke wearing her practice jersey’s and Clarke running her fingers down her spine. Even the nights not spent tearing each other clothes off and bodies pressed together, but the nights spent with Clarke painting or drawing, and Lexa reading, only to get distracted and watch Clarke over the top, occasionally turning a page, knowing Clarke would stop her work and ask Lexa what’s wrong if she didn’t. And it’s stupid, almost funny, that now, after all these years, Lexa’s finally realizing that it wasn’t Jake and Abby who made this house feel like home; It was Clarke. Lexa knows that nothing will ever change that. 

 

Clarke, without a doubt, was the best thing that has ever happened to her. Even with all the fights, all of the times they said nothing could happen, and when they finally did. After today, if Clarke asked her to, Lexa would take her back in a blink of an eye. 

 

Maybe it was unhealthy; the way Lexa cares about Clarke. No, Lexa knew it was unhealthy. They were too young to decide to let something like this define the rest of their lives, yet they did it anyways. But Clarke was addicting; the way her lips brushed against Lexa’s ear every time she whispered something, or the way Clarke smiled. Lexa just wanted more. Lexa couldn’t give Clarke what she wanted; they should've just gave it time. 

 

She’s sure that after today, she would have nothing left. 

 

Her social worker, Dan finally looks up again, his face emotionless. Lexa could see herself reflected in his eyes, her face stone, but she was feeling everything. He lets his mask fall, a disappointed look in her way. “Your record was perfect, Lexa,” He says carelessly. “You almost made it.” 

 

Lexa wanted to tell him that she wasn’t close to making it. Her record was perfect, but she wasn’t even close to making it. He was so wrong about her, that Lexa didn’t even bother to try to correct him. She had told herself that if people found out about her and Clarke, she wasn’t going to let it define her. Who cares if she fell in love with Clarke? Who she loved wasn’t anybody’s burden but hers. 

 

She doesn’t try correct him; because in a sense he was right. She did almost make it. She only had two years before she turned eighteen, and because she didn’t feel like fighting anymore. 

 

“I’m sorry, Lexa, but I’ll have to take you to a group home. It’ll be up to Jake and Abby if they want to fight for you in court, after we have an interview with Clarke about your relationship.” 

 

Lexa looks up again at the mention of Clarke. “What do you mean, interview Clarke? I thought that you onl-”

 

“We have to see if there’s anything else we’ll need to address in court, Lexa. Hearing Clarke’s side of the story will clear many things up, like if you forc-“

 

“I wouldn’t do that to Clarke!” Lexa tells him, louder than she intended. He flinches slightly, starting to get his files together. He doesn’t respond, and Lexa shakes her head, burying her face in her hands. She had made a mess of everything; she had thought about what she would do if it would happen, even Clarke had made her promised that she wouldn’t snap, or say anything stupid, but that’s all Lexa had done. 

 

“You have five minutes to pack your bag,” He says, and Lexa doesn’t look up at him, running the whole thing through her head. If she had just kept her mouth shut… she hears Dan take a deep breath when she doesn’t look up. “Or I’ll have to call the cops, too.” 

 

When she walks out of the kitchen, all three of them are standing there, watching her. Clarke stands between Jake and Abby, and they both seem hopeful when they see her. 

 

“So, what did you tell him? That we’re good?” Jake asks, and Lexa doesn’t look at him. Or Clarke and Abby, but pats Zeus on the head as she walks by and starts up the stairs. Lexa didn’t feel like talking to any of them, and she can hear Jake and Abby talking to Dan as she closes the door to her room. She’s not sure if Clarke had left them, and Lexa’s sure there would be some yelling if she didn’t. 

 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Clarke demands, Lexa’s door slamming against the wall as Clarke bursts through. 

 

At first, Lexa ignores her, avoiding Clarke’s icy stare. She folds her shirts. Picks at a thread from one of her older sweatshirts, but ends up shoving them into her duffle bag anyways. Clarke watches her, and the more Lexa ignores her, the more Lexa feels that everything was a big mistake. Maybe if Lexa had just kept her feelings to herself from the very beginning. 

 

“Lexa. What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Clarke repeats, taking a step closer, and grabbing the sweatshirt in Lexa’s hands. “You’re not leaving. My parents and I, we’ll fight for you. We… You’re _not_ leaving. Not like this.” 

 

“You make it sound like I’m dying.” Lexa mumbles, still avoiding Clarke’s gaze. Lexa felt too guilty to look at Clarke. Lexa wasn’t going to be the only one who gets a reputation for them being together. Especially once it spreads at school. Lexa sighs when Clarke shakes her head. 

 

“No, I’m not. I’m acting reasonable, Lexa! You… I don’t know what you were thinking. I… You can’t just leave me,” Clarke whispers, and Lexa finally looks at her, and out of a habit, she grabs Clarke’s hand and squeezes it. In almost an instant, Clarke’s fingers are dancing on the inside of Lexa’s wrist, Clarke’s cold skin against hers, and Lexa shivers, and she watches Clarke’s lips as she says, “I don’t ever want to know what it feels like to loose you.” 

 

Lexa can’t help the way her lips part, and she has to force herself to avert her gaze, and she ends up locking her gaze with Clarke. “The only thing that’s different is that I won’t be one room away, Clarke.” Lexa manages to squeeze out, and Clarke’s name sits in her throat. She doesn’t know how long it will be before she can see Clarke again, or be able to call for her. 

 

“That’s not how it’s supposed to be. You always say doing stuff like this is worth it only for me. Just do something for yourself. I know you don’t want to leave.” 

 

“We don’t always get what we want, Clarke.” 

 

They stand there, in the middle of Lexa’s room, and for once, Lexa’s not sure if she should say something or nothing, if she should just walk away. Even if she knew she should do any of those things, she’s frozen in place, trying to gather the courage to do anything. 

 

She’s being dramatic; she knows this as she tells herself that it’s the last time she’ll see Clarke. They’re both being dramatic, everything about them seemed to be that way. Lexa guesses that it’s fate, how she was given something as beautiful as Clarke; only to take it away from herself. 

 

“Clarke, I… They’re gonna ask you about us, too,” Lexa says, swallowing nervously, and rubs the back of her neck as she takes a step away from Clarke. “I just wanted you to know, so you wouldn’t be surprised or whatever.” Lexa tries her best to tell Clarke without any emotion, because she’s sure that if one of them cracks, it’ll be worse than it has to be. If Lexa had just kept her mouth shut, she wouldn’t have to worry about this.

 

“What are they going to do to you?” Clarke mumbles. 

 

“Whatever they feel like doing.” Lexa says, then shrugs, hoping that the thoughts that run through Clarke’s mind aren’t the worst thing. Lexa’s not even sure. She could be lucky and placed into a group home where all the kids there are the unlucky ones who couldn’t get adopted because they were like her; stupid and lucky enough to fall for her foster sibling. Either way, she’s more worried about Clarke’s well being than her own. Lexa wonders what she would’ve done in a different world. 

 

They sit in silence for a few moments, Lexa trying to remember everything about Clarke; and Clarke’s still tracing the inside on her wrist, stoping every few seconds. Lexa’s eyes flutter shut as Clarke leans up pressing a kiss to her cheek. Lexa wishes for more, and she’s not sure who started it, if she kissed Clarke, if Clarke kissed her, or if they met halfway, but it doesn't matter. Clarke’s lips are soft, just like every other time Lexa has kissed her. Lexa can hear her own heartbeat  ringing in her ears. Maybe Clarke can feel it. The feeling of Clarke’s lips against hers is almost natural at this point; it just happens. She finds herself gripping Clarke’s hip, trying to steady herself. 

 

Lexa subconsciously realizes how occupied they get when her back hits her dresser behind them. In that exact moment, Lexa feels as if she’s never been able to touch or kiss Clarke before, and her hand dips under Clarke’s shirt. Not to lift it over her head, but to pull Clarke closer and she sighs when Clarke relaxes her body agains hers. 

 

Lexa can’t help it as Clarke pulls away, biting her lip as she whispers, “I love you.” Lexa feels as if she hasn’t told Clarke enough before; and she just wants Clarke to hear it. Lexa can live if Clarke doesn’t say it back. 

 

Clarke nods, and Lexa can hear Dan yelling for her. Clarke and Lexa look over at her door, and as Clarke looks at her again, Lexa manages to give her a smile, tucking some hair behind Clarke’s ear. “Don’t forget to take care of yourself, yeah? Don’t stay up all night painting.”  

 

“Don’t do anything stupid, Lexa.”

 

Despite the seriousness in Clarke’s tone, in the whole situation, Lexa genuinely smiles. “I’ll try not to. No promises, though.” 

 

She hates the idea of leaving Clarke here alone to face the consequences from Jake and Abby. Lexa can feel her anger grow as she remembers Dan telling her that people who worked with the system are going to be asking Clarke about them, too. They’ll probably ask Jake and Abby as well, and Lexa can only imagine how angry they’ll be when they find out how long Clarke and Lexa were able to hide it from them. Lexa felt like an outlaw; only wanted if Clarke wanted her. 

 

Dan calls for her again, and this time, Lexa can hear him as he starts to storm up the stairs after her. She looks at Clarke, gives her a smile, and Clarke looks away as they part. 

 

Lexa doesn’t look back as she leaves her room, her favorite sweatshirt still in Clarke’s hands. 

 

 

* * *

 

Clarke doesn’t see Lexa for three months. Not at school, not at the supermarket, not even at the playoffs that Anya and Octavia dominate, and where Anya and Raven are officially labeled as the school ‘it’ couple. Clarke knows that she won’t see Lexa, not with the restraining order that Dan decided to put on her; too afraid that her and Lexa were going to find another way to cheat the system. 

 

Clarke knew it wasn’t going to happen, because when Lexa had left her alone in her room without a goodbye, Clarke was sure that the next time she saw Lexa, she would be a different person. She knew how Lexa was; Lexa takes whatever comes her way, and she learns to live with that. All Clarke could hope was that Lexa was lucky enough to land in a good group home; where all the kids just wanted to either grow out if the system or go back to their families. 

 

Raven and Octavia try to act if nothing’s different. They watch Octavia and Anya on Saturdays during the soccer matches, and Octavia still drives them all to school. (since Lexa wasn’t driving her anymore). Raven tries to make things better by making fireworks for the parties Anya throws sometimes, but all Clarke does is sit on Anya’s couch, and tries to ignore the signs of Lexa in her house, too. 

 

Sundays are the hardest. Clarke had gotten used to Sundays being spent waking up next to Lexa and a few lazy kisses before they go downstairs to her greet her parents. If it was football season, Lexa and Jake would watch the games. And even though Clarke hates football, she sits next to Lexa and holds her hand where Jake and Abby can’t see. At least, she used to do that. 

 

“Clarke!” It’s Raven, tapping her desk. “Are you ready for your finals next week?” Octavia and Anya watch the exchange. Clarke’s not pissed off at Anya, but the few times she asked her about Lexa, because Clarke just knows that Anya has seen her, Anya brushes it off with _Lexa’s fine, Clarke. Don’t worry._ That wasn’t enough. Clarke just wanted to see Lexa, even if it was just a glimpse of her green eyes or her hair in a braid. 

 

“Uh, I hope. I kinda need to go to college.” Clarke responds, and Raven frowns, shaking her head slightly, giving a small annoyed sigh. 

 

“Clarke, you can’t worry about Lexa,” Raven says gently. “It’s not your fault with what happens. I’m sure she’s kicking ass. Lexa doesn’t take anybody’s shit. And you need to be ready for your finals.”  

 

Clarke wish that she could just turn a switch off in her brain. One that told her not to worry about Lexa. Or anything in general. Or instead of turning off her brain she wishes that she could just stop caring sometimes. But she couldn’t. It was like there was a bunch of mini people in her heart, choosing what to do for her. The mini Raven and Octavia reminded her to take care of herself, and even Anya has made her way into her heart. Then there was Lexa. Lexa was just a little bigger than the rest of them, and every waking moment was spent worrying about her. 

 

“I’m going to study this weekend, don’t worry.” Clarke says, and tries to wave them off, ignoring the concerned look she gets from Anya, and the glance that Raven and Octavia share. 

 

“Do you want me to help you study?” Octavia asks, “I mean, I’m sure you got it, but just to keep you company?” 

 

“We’re worried about you, Clarke,” This time, it’s Anya who speaks. She usually keeps quite, observing the conversation from afar until she either decides that all three of them are too stupid for her, or she decides that they need to change the topic of the conversation. “Lexa is, too. She told me to watch you. At first I thought you were fine, but…” 

 

All Clarke hears is Lexa. All she _wanted_ to hear was Lexa. She swallows the feeling she gets in her throat; tries not to thing of the way she left things and the mess Clarke had made. Lexa was probably beating herself up for this, but all Clarke wishes is that she can tell Lexa that it’s not her fault. If anything, Clarke should take the blame for everything that has been happening. 

 

“Look,” Octavia says, still tapping her pen against the edge of her desk. “We’re not saying you can’t be upset. We’re just saying that it’s time to just act like things are normal again.” Clarke and see Raven and Anya nod in agreement, and she sighs. Even if Clarke tried, it wasn’t going to be normal. “Raven’s having a party after finals. And you’re coming. Bring Finn with you or something. Everything’ll be the same again.” 

 

Finn. Clarke had almost forgotten about Finn, ever since his parents finally gave him the attention he needed- and as far as Clarke knew, Finn was doing fine without her. Clarke couldn’t pretend that going to Raven’s parties were normal, because she usually spent that time with Lexa. If she even did show up, Raven and Octavia only saw her for a few minutes before she disappeared with Lexa. Showing up with Finn was something she didn’t want to do, not when she’s gotten too used to being there with Lexa. Almost everything was better with Lexa. Maybe that was her first sign that she was going to loose Lexa eventually. 

 

Clarke was stupid to think that she would be able to manage without Lexa. All she wanted to do was to be able to see Lexa in the halls. At the least. Just seeing Lexa used to be the best part of her day. 

 

From the look she gets from Anya, Clarke knows she has to convince herself that Lexa’s okay. 

 

Clarke ends up going to Raven’s party, even though she had promised herself and her parents that she wouldn’t. She lied about tutoring some kid, which her parents believed somehow. After all the lies she has told them, she’s surprised that they still give her some trust. Clarke would be lying if she said she wasn’t hoping that somehow, Anya and Raven invited Lexa over, too. She knows that they didn’t, but it doesn’t stop her from tuning out Finn’s voice as she scans the small crowd, that will surely get bigger as the night goes on. Ever since Lexa left, it was the most serious Clarke has seen Raven, after Anya had explained everything to her. She knows that the three of them had worked out a system. On Friday nights, it was Raven who showed up at her house uninvited with a stack of shitty movies for them to watch. Then, on Saturday, it was Anya who told Jake and Abby that they had to work on a project, but she dragged Clarke to her soccer matches, even though the school season had ended. Octavia usually hung out with her after school, and before Jake could come home and ask Octavia if she wanted to stay for dinner, Octavia walked the two blocks between them to her house. 

 

Clarke wanted to tell them that she didn’t need them to watch her, but at the same time she enjoyed their company. For the most part, it took Lexa off her mind for a few hours and she was able to pretend that everything was the way it should be. 

 

Finn brings her back to reality as he yanks on her arm, dragging her into Anya’s kitchen, “Everybody is staring at Clarke, Reyes,” Finn announces. Clarke rolls her eyes. The entire school managed to find our about her and Lexa. She was too upset to find out who overheard and made it spread. Most of the looks and whispers she was given were usually about her. She didn’t mind, but if anyone even tried to talk about Lexa, Clarke knows she would snap. 

 

Clarke really didn’t care. If she loved Lexa or not was her issue, not any of theirs. “Finn, it’s fine.” Clarke tells him, but Raven and Octavia had already pushed past them, and the music stops abruptly. There’s a chorus of groans, and then Clarke can hear Raven yelling at them.

 

Clarke and Finn stand there awkwardly as Anya comes through the back door with her hands full of more beer. Bella comes in, barking after her, the small bell on her collar ringing. When Anya notices the two of them standing there, the keys that she was struggling to hold fall from her mouth, and she sets the beer on the counter, her eyes flitting to the door behind them where they can hear Raven and now Octavia yelling in the living room.   

 

“Hey.” Finn says, waving sheepishly, and Clarke rolls her eyes again. 

 

“Why are they yelling?” Anya asks, and Clarke’s ready to snap at Finn as he jumps to explain the situation to Anya. 

 

“People were looking at Clarke like she belongs in a museum.”

 

Clarke has to bit back her comment as she remembers the thin lines on Finn’s arms that he used to hide with long sleeves, and she feels bad for even thinking something like that, but Finn is annoying her. Honestly, she rather be at home sitting on the couch next to her dad while petting Zeus. 

 

Anya doesn’t say anything, but glances at Clarke, and Clarke gives her a shrug. Anya knows better than anyone else that the thing bothering her the most is not even being able to check in on Lexa. Raven and Octavia come back in, both with proud smile on their faces. 

 

“They’re all gone.” Raven says, cracking open a can of beer as she sits on the counter next to Anya, looking down at her, “Took you long enough, An.” She directs at her girlfriend, and Octavia grabs the house phone. 

 

“Who wants pizza?”  

 

Barely an hour later, the five of them are all squeezed into Raven’s couch, alternating between reruns of _The X-Files_ and _Friends_. Two pizza boxes lay on the floor near Clarke edge of the couch, and every once in a while, there’s small laughter coming from Anya and Raven. Clarke feels bad for Octavia, the closest one to them. Finn hasn’t said much to Clarke all night- which she was fine with. After Freshman year and Lexa, Clarke wasn’t sure if they could either become good friends or strangers, and honestly, Clarke would be okay with either. 

 

Maybe it’s a habit of his; something that keeps himself calm, tracing the inside of her wrist, and Clarke has to bite the inside of her cheek to not say anything, and tell herself that it shouldn’t really matter. But it does. Because it’s what Clarke did whenever she was with Lexa. If Lexa was angry and knew she couldn’t do anything about it, Clarke traced designs on Lexa’s wrist, which she would eventually either draw on paper or paint on Lexa’s back. 

 

Finn gets up when Raven and Octavia decide they’re hungry again, and Clarke’s thankful as he walks into the kitchen. Anya looks half asleep, her chin resting on Raven’s shoulder. They look happy; and Clarke wonders if her and Lexa had looked like that at a glance. Octavia scoots next to Clarke and mumbles, “I swear if they don’t go upstairs in the next twenty minutes, I'm going to murder them.” 

 

It’s enough to make Clarke smile, and shake her head, “Leave them alone, they’re happy.” 

 

“I knew you’d take their side,” Octavia says dramatically as Finn comes back with his arms now full of candy. “You’ve always liked Raven more than me.” 

 

“I love you two morons equally.” Clarke says, reaching over Octavia to grab the bag of sour patch from Finn, thinking of Lexa. She remembers laughing at Lexa as she dramatically complained about them adding the blue flavor; but before long it became Lexa’s favorite. _I used to love them equally. Now I'm just going to buy the blue ones._ Lexa had told her, before diving into some explanation on how it would be cheaper to buy them individually, anyways. 

 

“I know.” Octavia replies happily as they both turn their attention back to the tv. Clarke ends up giving Octavia ten dollars when Raven and Anya make an excuse to go upstairs before the episode even ends. Bella storms up the stairs after them, only to come back down and sit on the floor in front of the couch, catching the popcorn Finn throws at her. 

 

Clarke almost feels as everything is the same. For a few moments, it is, and she’s okay even with the thought of Lexa not being here. She knows that wherever Lexa is, she’ll manage to take care of herself. The moment that crosses her mind, Clarke starts to feel even guiltier than she has been for the past few months. Lexa was being forced to live with people she didn’t even know; people who could potentially hurt her, and Clarke got away without a scratch. 

 

Octavia seems to notice that something’s bothering her, and gives Clarke’s hand a reassuring squeeze. Clarke gives her another forced smile, the only thing she seems to be doing these days. She can tell that Octavia doesn’t take it, but doesn’t mention it, glancing at Finn siting next to her. 

 

Clarke falls asleep after that. 

 

It feels like she’s only been sleeping for a few moments when Raven shakes her awake, phone in her hand. “Guess what, Clarke?” Raven asks excitedly. Clarke rests on her elbows, groaning. She can hear Anya moving around in the kitchen, probably talking to Octavia or Finn. “I aced AP chemistry! Which means you can take it next year, and I’ll help you.” Clarke rolls her eyes at how excited Raven has gotten, but she smiles. 

 

“I barely survived the first time, Raven.” 

 

Raven laughs at that, typing away at her phone, “Hmmm, you got an A in almost all of your classes. Except math. You got a B.” 

 

“Lexa usually helps me.” Clarke mumbles, running her fingers through her hair. Raven’s smile disappears for a few seconds, not able to hide the concern in her eyes. She smiles again, shrugs. 

 

“Math is hard, anyways. C’mon. Anya’s cooking us breakfast.” Raven says, and Clarke’s not very surprised to see that Finn isn’t there. She’s sure that he left her messages explaining why he had left early, but Clarke doesn’t care. She finds it hard to care about a lot of things since Lexa has left. Octavia pulls her into the chair next to her, and Anya puts a plate in front of her. 

 

“Look, guys, I don’t need you to take care of me.” Clarke tries not to sound angry or upset, but all three sets of eyes land on her with such intense stares, she starts to think that it was a bad idea to say anything at all. Raven drops her phone, Anya stands by the stove holding a pan full of eggs and Octavia nearly spills her orange juice all over herself. 

 

“I- we’re not trying to take care of you.” Anya eventually says after a few uncomfortable seconds pass, and Clarke laughs humorlessly. 

 

“Please. I’ve notice what you guys have been doing. It’s obvious. You don't need to worry about me anymore. It’s summer. There’s nothing to worry about.” Clarke sighs when they all just blink, seeming even more surprised that she’s even aware that it’s the first week of summer. 

 

“We know you can handle yourself,” Raven tells her, picking up her phone and curses when she sees the newly cracked screen. “It’s just that, uh, for a while you really weren’t yourself.” 

 

“Which is understandable!” Octavia says quickly, putting her cup of juice down before she manages to spill more, “We just figured that since we can’t really take care of Lexa and make sure she’s okay, we’d just check in with you more.” 

 

“Lexa’s fine, really.” Anya pipes up, and they all fall silent after Anya mutters, “For now.” Clarke taps her fingers against the table nervously, trying to avoid looking at the framed picture of a younger Lexa and Anya after a soccer game. They’re both smiling, and Clarke’s sure that if she can recall correctly, they lost that game. 

 

“It’s really up to her social worker, now, isn't it?” Clarke asks her, and Anya nods. 

 

“Yeah. He’ll have to run it by the rest of the system, though. If he decides that it’s okay to take her out of the group home. They haven’t asked you about her yet, have they?” 

 

Clarke remembers seeing Lexa’s case manager and another short man at her door a few weeks ago. Her parents weren’t home, and after knowing what they did to Lexa, Clarke wasn’t going to let them in. She still hasn't told anybody about it, and she shrugs. “They came over once. I didn’t answer the door.” 

 

All three of them stare at her again, “Why didn’t you tell us?” Raven demands, and Clarke wasn’t going to explain to them that she simply didn’t want to, that she felt that it wasn’t their business. Knowing that they weren’t going to accept that as an answer, Clarke taps on the table again. 

 

“Because you guys can’t do anything about that. It’s not your business. What are you going to do, complain about it?” 

 

“No, but we can help you. We’re just try-“ 

 

“Yeah, I get it. You just want to help. But I got this. You don’t need to watch me like I might break. I just want Lexa to be okay.” 

 

At that, they all look away, guilty. Octavia pats her arm, and Clarke tries to take her mind off of Lexa, but now Lexa’s fresh in her mind, and Clarke’s not sure what she should, other than keep pretending that her and Lexa will be okay. 

 

* * *

 

Lexa hasn’t slept in four days. She would count the few times she has managed to doze off for a few minutes, but after being shook awake and greeted by screaming, Lexa has decided that in this particular group home, she was never going to get a good night sleep. Lexa recognizes as Costia leans over her, giving her a small apologetic smile that she can barely see in the dark, and Lexa groans as the lights turn on. 

 

“Alexandria Woods,” Meghan, the tall light blonde girl who sometimes reminded her of Clarke, stands in the doorway of her room, fuming. “Where the hell did you put it? Justin is going to kill us, hiding his-” 

 

“I don’t care! It’s illegal, and I’ve gotten into enough trouble for the shit that everybody else here does!” Lexa’s quick to jump for the explanation, even if she feels sorry for Justin. She wasn’t sure of what to do with it when Costia shoved it into her hands. The rules of the house were simple: What they needed or wanted wasn’t an option, unless they were able to prove that they could go back to whatever lives they had before. 

 

Picking a fight with Meghan on the first day was a major setback. 

 

“Just like screwing your sister isn't illegal? You’re not as good as you think you are, now ju-” 

 

“You really want to get in trouble for going behind Adelaide’s back and get into more trouble? Look, I get that you want to help him, but it’s not like I ca-”

 

“You don’t get to make the choices for him, Lexa!” Meghan hisses, taking a step closer. Lexa’s not scared of Meghan, but she knows what Meghan is capable of. Being the tallest one in the house, in some strange ways gave Lexa an advantage. Not that she could win a fight if it came down to it, but because nobody knew about her cellphone that sat on the top of the fridge, or that Justin’s HRT sat on the top shelf in the pantry, pushed all the way into the corner. 

 

“Why do you care so much?” Lexa demands, lowering her voice, afraid that Adelaide, who’s sleeping in the room next to hers will wake up and decided to give them another punishment. Lexa has already lost the opportunity to visit Clarke twice. “Some of us just want to get out of here. So let us do that. My life will be a hell lot easier if you just shut up about it.” 

 

Meghan stares at her, her mouth hanging open. She looks like a fish out of water. Lexa knows what Meghan does as she turns around quickly. Lexa runs after her, pushing past one of the younger girls in the hall and nearly falls down the stairs as she does them two at a time. “Meghan!” She hisses, pushing the shorter girl away from pantry, not enough to hurt her, but enough to get her out of the way. “Just go to sleep, okay?” 

 

“Not until you give the drugs.” 

 

They stare at each other, Lexa leaning back against the wall, trying to decide if it’s worth loosing sleep over for the next few days, or getting in trouble again if Adelaide manages to find out that Lexa played a part. Meghan’s not backing down, and Lexa sighs, running her fingers through her hair, almost expecting Clarke to scold her for doing that while it’s braided, even though it falls down her back. Lexa’s too tired to even try to make a deal with her, and she sighs again as she reaches for the small container of pills. When she can’t find it, her heart does a double take, and tries to reach for it again, but her fingers brush against the wall. Even her phone is gone, and Lexa knows she’s luckier than hell that it’s a shitty burner phone that she hasn't used yet. 

 

It still doesn't stop her from freaking out. 

 

“Shit. Shit. Shitshitshit.” Lexa mumbles to herself, and Meghan is at her shoulder. 

 

‘Where is it? Did you lose it?” 

 

“Fuck!” Lexa exclaims, hitting her palm against the wall, startling Meghan. She shakes her head, trying to clear her mind. How was she going to explain to Meghan that she didn’t loose it on purpose, or that it made it look like that Justin was going to try to leave? She recounts the steps she did yesterday. She went to class at her new school, and during fourth period where there was a substitute, she went out and got the shitty burner phone Anya had told her would be a good idea; that way the couldn’t figure out that it was hers. 

 

But it was gone, probably stored somewhere in Adelaide’s room, just waiting for some drama to happen in the house before she could pin it on someone. 

 

“This is fucking bull.” There’s a pair of heavy feet coming down the stairs, and Justin comes into the kitchen, holding a bloody nose. 

 

“Who knew Costia could hit so hard?” He groans as he leans against the counter, and Meghan is scrambling for paper towels and tilting his head back, and shoots Lexa a glare. Lexa ignores it, trying to hide her smile at the fact that Costia had most likely just broken Justin’s nose. Out of all of the girls here, Costia was on the down low. Nobody expected her to do anything but lurk and be the only one who knows exactly what’s going on. Lexa would’ve assumed that it meant everyone hated her, but it turns out that she’s the peacemaker. 

 

Lexa leaves Meghan and Justin in the kitchen, and slowly goes back up the stairs. Tomorrow was their last day of school, and Lexa wonders what drama would happen during the summer. Another two months without hearing from or seeing Clarke. Out of a habit, Lexa stops in front of the first closed door and opens it a crack, relived to see that Emily and Zoe are still sleeping in their beds. Lexa was surprised to find out that they were only twelve years old. Twins. 

 

She jumps when she closes the door and turns around, seeing Costia leaning against the doorframe to the room they have to share. In her hands, Lexa notices the phone that she had gotten yesterday. After three months of sharing a room and not speaking to each other, other than the times that they were dragged into a mess, they understood each other even with a simple glance. 

 

“You never told me you were in the system.” Lexa says, and she can see a ghost of a smile on Costia’s lips as she hands Lexa her phone back. 

 

“Neither did you.” Costia replies, and Lexa watches her carefully as they both walk into her room; waiting to see if she still has the crumpled up brown bag that she had given Lexa earlier during the week, but instead, Costia curls back up in her bed near the door. Lexa sighs, deciding that like Costia, she’ll deal with it in the morning as she opens her window a few inches. With the familiar crunch underneath her pillow from a drawing she had stolen from Clarke’s room, Lexa falls asleep within the next few seconds. 

 

 

 

The next week is torturous. At first, things were going perfectly fine; Lexa woke up the next day, went to school to take her finals, and her and Meghan had acted like Thursday night didn’t happen- an unspoken agreement to avoid consequences from Adelaide. Justin had seemed to be doing good, despite the fact that he wasn’t getting the medicine he needed. Lexa still took partial blame for it, but there was another unspoken agreement between her and Costia that if Adelaide were to ever find out, Costia was the one in charge of it. 

 

Friday, after finals, she's in the backyard while everybody else tries to finish cleaning up the house before Adelaide comes back. Anya’s voice is loud and unclear through the speaker of her phone, and Lexa’s trying to make sense of what she’s saying. 

 

Lexa cuts her off, “How’s Clarke? Is she doing okay?” 

 

“Honestly?” Anya asks. “She’s doing better than I imagined. But the whole school knows. You should’ve seen Raven last night, she ended a party because everyone was talking about it- and Clarke didn’t even care. Hell, she just looked like she wanted to kill Finn for being annoying.” 

 

Lexa doesn’t have time to be upset over the idea of Clarke hanging out with Finn. She knows that if anything were to happen between the two of them, it would’ve happened a long time ago. Lexa kicks a small rock, wishing that she was passing soccer ball with Anya and Octavia. “Dan said he might take away my restraining order.” Lexa tells Anya in a hushed tone. Lexa was more than surprised and angry to find out that Dan had placed a restraining order without telling her. She had to find out through Adelaide, who really didn’t care about a single girl in the house she was supposed to run when Lexa had asked her if she was able to have visitors. 

 

Lexa can hear Raven in the background, and she faintly makes out Raven shouting to her that it’s good progress for her. “Look, Lex, I know I told you the burner phone was a good idea because you won’t get into as much trouble, but with Nyko in college, my mom said to give you his old one. It’s still activated and everything. You’ll just have to be careful if you call, okay? I already gave Clarke the number. I’ll come by and see you tomorrow, okay? They said I could visit you.” 

 

The screen door opens with a loud screech, and Costia’s standing on the porch, and Lexa pinches the bridge of her nose as Anya and Raven start to bicker, debating if they should bring Clarke with them, despite the restraining order hanging over Lexa’s head. Costia gives her an apologetic glance, and Lexa gives her a small nod in understanding. “Look, An, I gotta go. Don’t bring Clarke until Dan says it’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow if I don't do anything stupid in the next twelve hours.” 

 

“I’ll tell Clarke you said hi.” 

 

Lexa nods quickly, even though Anya can’t see her and bites her nail as she hears the garage door open, signaling that Adelaide is home. “Yeah. And that I love her. And hi to Zeus.” Lexa doesn't give Anya time to respond, and the sound of Raven arguing with her again abruptly ends as Lexa hangs up. 

 

She follows Costia back into the house, and nearly knocks her over when she stops abruptly, shoving a mop into Lexa’s hands. As Adelaide walks in, her chin held high and her heels clicking against the floor, Lexa mouths a _thank you_ to Costia, knowing that Adelaide would take away Lexa’s visiting privileges just because she wanted too. 

 

Adelaide nods in Lexa’s direction, “Woods, follow me.” Lexa fumbles as she hands the mop back to Costia, tripping over her untied shoelace, but not slowing down to fix it as Adelaide leads her up the stairs and into her room. 

 

Adelaide’s room is surprisingly humane. Lexa had almost expected it to be clean, not a single thing in sight besides her bed pushed against the wall, but it’s not what she's greeted with at all. Instead, she’s greeted with pictures on the walls, a messy desk top, probably all of the files for the girls. 

 

Lexa gaze falls to the picture closest to her. Adelaide’s short, obviously Lexa knew that, or maybe Lexa was just that tall, but in the picture, there’s a girl with a bright smile and light brown hair tucked into a New York Rangers hat, with her arm wrapped around a smiling Adelaide. They’re on the beach, and all Lexa can think is that Adelaide has been doing thing long enough to know that most of the kids who get put into a group home don’t expect to be taken care of, or that she’s still grieving. That is if Lexa’s assumptions were right. Lexa then looks over at the ring that always catches the light on Adelaide’s left ring finger. 

 

“Woods, I’m telling you thins because you’re the smartest one of all of them,” Adelaide doesn’t snap at her for obviously looking at her pictures. One of them, not a frames on, but one that sits on the bed stand next to the unmade bed has Adelaide with the same girl in an Utility uniform, and she’s still wearing a Rangers hat. Lexa doesn’t find it strange, seeing that it seems to be the only hat she wants to wear. 

 

Lexa looks away from the picture, only to meet Adelaide’s icy stare, so she looks away, and her gaze lands on the same Ranger hat on the edge of the bed that appears in nearly every picture. 

 

“I trust that you’ll be able to handle your visiting hours tomorrow. However, I doubt that some of the other girls will. I have somethings I need to take care of… I’m trusting you to keep things under control.” 

 

Lexa can’t help but snicker at that, “You’re asking the wrong person. I won’t be able to handle Meghan, she-”

 

For the first time in Lexa’s three months in this group home, it’s the first time she’s seen Adelaide show any emotion. “Lexa, my wife is coming home tomorrow, and unfortunately, things won’t be the same. I just need you to make sure things don’t get to out of hand for an hour while I pick her up from the airport.” 

 

“But-” Lexa’s argument gets cutoff. 

 

“You understand what it’s like, not knowing what exactly is happening to the person you love, don’t you?” 

 

Lexa’s jaw tightens at the reference to Clarke, but remembering the picture next to Adelaide’s unmade bed, Lexa relaxes, knowing that she’s much more luckier than Adelaide; not knowing. 

 

The next morning, Adelaide is already gone when she wakes up, and looking at the alarm clock between her and Costia’s bed, and is greeted with 11:38, giving her exactly 22 minutes to get ready before she has to somehow make sure that nothing goes wrong while Adelaide’s gone. She rushes to the shower, not bothering to lock the door behind her, knowing that it hasn't stopped anybody before. 

 

As she runs, well, flies down the stairs, she’s greeted with everybody sitting in the living room and watching some shitty tv show, all while eating pancakes and piles of bacon. In the kitchen, Costia’s listening to music- that Lexa can hear through her earbuds as she slides a plate into Lexa’s hand, along with a cup of orange juice. 

 

“Your favorite, right?” Lexa nods silently to answer Costia, still slightly stunned by the fact that for once, the twelve kids who live in their shitty, cramped house aren’t fighting. She wonders how Costia does it; manage to keep everybody calm, despite the fact that chaos in inevitable at this point. 

 

Lexa stays in the kitchen. Sitting on the stool, drowning her pancakes in syrup, she watches as Costia moves around the kitchen easily. She knows exactly where everything is, which makes Lexa wonder how long Costia has lived here. Or been forced to live here. She hums along to a song, occasionally signing a few of the lyrics. Lexa recognizes it as a popular Taylor Swift song that she’s heard on the radio a few times with Clarke, and can’t help but chuckle as Costia dances to that song, too. 

 

Costia doesn’t seem to mind that Lexa’s watching her. Lexa has to look away, feeling guilty. She had wanted it to be Clarke that she woke up to, singing some random songs that played on her phone as she cleaned up the kitchen, but instead, it was Costia, and Lexa was rude enough to act like it was normal. 

 

She almost apologizes; but it would make the situation more awkward than it already is, so Lexa just puts her empty cup and cleared plate in the dishwasher, running to the door when she hears the doorbell ring. 

 

It’s Anya, who tackles her into a tight hug, over her shoulder, Lexa sees Raven fixing the buttons on her shirt, a smug smirk on her face, and Lexa just rolls her eyes. 

 

“God, Lexa, you’ve grown like a foot!” Anya says, and Lexa shrugs, before Raven gives her a hug, too. 

 

“That was from Clarke.” Raven tells her stubbornly, but she quickly gives in, “Actually, I miss having you around, being a dramatic gay.” 

 

“I’m not dramatic.” Lexa grumbles as Anya has to get on her tippy toes to mess up her hair. 

 

“Shit, you’re right, Lexa. Crying during sex and kissing is not dramatic.” 

 

“Leave her alone, Lexa’s just a little sensitive, that’s all.”  Anya says, and Lexa mentally prepares herself for another round of endless hours of Raven teasing her. 

 

“I bet Clarke doesn’t mind that.” 

 

Lexa blushes at that, and punches Raven’s arm. 

 

“Ow!” Raven shouts, rubbing where Lexa had punched her, looking at Anya. “Babe, did you see that? She punched me! A cripple!” Lexa groans quietly as they start to bicker again, looking back into the living room. The rest of the girls, all eleven are staring at the three of them, almost as if they’ve never seen Lexa talk to someone before. Lexa tries not to dwell on it, especially after Adelaide told her that most of the girls aren’t in contact with either their birth parents or their former foster parents. 

 

Lexa turns her attention back to Anya and Raven, who are still bickering. Anya’s smiling, and Raven’s then complaining about something, “Look, it’s not funny! I mean, you can kick her ass for me, can’t you?” Raven says, then looks at Lexa. “I mean look at her! She’s like a wall of muscle! You’ve got a chance, beat her up.” 

 

“Sorry for the inconvenience, Raven. I’m not fighting anyone today.” 

 

“You’ve been fighting people since I've been gone?” 

 

“Only the morons, don’t worry, Lexa.” 

 

“Oh, man, you should’ve seen Clarke yesterday! I’ve never seen her so angry in my life, I’m surprised that Niylah even try to fight back.” Raven says, and Lexa frowns. She knows that Clarke can handle herself, if it ever came down to it. She looks over at Anya, waiting for an explanation. Judging by the look in her eyes, it happened before they called her, and Lexa bites the inside of her mouth to keep herself from saying anything. She can’t tell if Anya had meant to keep it a secret, or if she had planned to tell her. Either way, Lexa’s anger is quickly replaced with pride.

 

“So, Clarke beat Niylah’s ass?” Lexa asks.

 

“Yeah, it was great! It was starting to get boring, you fighting with Niylah, no offense. But Clarke didn’t even let Niylah say anything, it was amazing. Octavia had to stop her.” Raven says quickly, almost hitting Anya in the face as she gestures along with her story. Lexa starts to wonder how someone like Anya, who was all about precision and being organized and collected fell in love with Raven, who was nearly the quite opposite. Raven was clumsy and messy, and exuberant, but Anya doesn’t seem to mind. 

 

Thinking about it makes Lexa miss Clarke even more. Lexa lets Raven finish her story, and eventually, they end up in the kitchen where Lexa gives them the pancakes that were stored in the fridge. Raven disappears to get something from the car, and Lexa look at Anya. 

 

“You’ve only got two more months with her, you're aware of that, right?” Lexa asks and Anya sighs. 

 

“I’m taking a year off. I got a full scholarship at CU boulder. Rae wants to go there. I figured that I’d get a job, and wait. The recruiters said it would be fine if I took a year off, as long as I play soccer when I go. That way I can keep my scholarship.” 

 

“Does Raven know?” Lexa can’t wipe the smile off her face. She’s never seen Anya so smitten with someone. Lexa had never imagined that it’d be with Raven either. Lexa had felt guilty for missing Anya’s graduation, but now knowing Anya’s plans, it feels a bit better to know that she really did;t miss anything. 

 

“Not yet. I was going to wait to tell her. Do you think it’s a good idea? I mean, she could change her mind about going the-” 

 

“Does Lexa think what’s a good idea?” Raven asks, strolling into the kitchen again, handing Lexa Nyko’s old phone and a charger. Lexa’s quick to put them in her pocket, not wanting a repeat of Thursday's night panic. 

 

“Nothing, Rae. Don’t worry about it,” Anya says quickly, giving Raven a smile and a kiss on her cheek. “Sorry, Lexa. But we should get going. Don’t forget to text Clarke.” 

 

Lexa nods, “I won’t,” She looks over at Raven, and back at Anya, replaying how hopeful Anya had gotten seconds ago at the idea of waiting to go to college with Raven. “If you crush Anya’s dreams, I personally wi-”

 

“Alright! That’s it, we’re going. Don’t forget to call me when you find out about what Dan’s going to do with the restraining order, okay?” Anya’s pushing Raven out the door, and Lexa nods, closing the door quickly behind them. 

 

When she turns around, all of the girls are watching her again, and she ignores them as she goes upstairs to her room, tucking the phone Anya had given her under a loose floorboard. Lexa goes back downstairs, more for the sake of not being out of sight when Adelaide comes home. 

 

She sits on the couch next to Costia, and all of them are watching some weird cartoon that Lexa hasn’t seen before. For a while, things are almost normal, until Adelaide comes home, dragging in a duffle bag, fuming. She looks at Lexa, and then to the two people standing behind her. One of them, Lexa recognizes as the woman from Adelaide’s picture, who wears a long sleeved shirt despite the heat. Lexa then looks at the shorter one, and standing between them. 

 

Lexa had expected another girl, but instead, it’s a skinny blonde boy. “Take care of your brother, Lexa.”


	10. HEAVEN

_If I'm loosing a piece of me, maybe I don't want Heaven._

* * *

 

_Abby was nervous. She’s been nervous before, finally figuring out what was wrong with a patient, and it usually helps after, being able to help them. But seeing Jaha, their head neurosurgeon with a MRI scan in his hands didn’t help her feel much better. Usually, there’s a rush. This time it’s just fear, and she waits for Jaha to let her see it._

 

_“Abby, I-”_

 

 _“Just let me see the scan,” She says, ripping it out of her hands, and she takes a deep breath. She tries telling her that it’s just another patient, just another face that she’s going to see when she walks through the halls of her hospital, but it’s not. It’s Jake, and it took him long enough to get the MRI scan done. Now, she’s finally going to_ know _. “I know how to read it.” She snaps when she sees Jaha going to explain it._

 

_“This isn't just a patient, Abby.”  He says softly, clearing his throat, “It’ll be up to Jake, and you know you won’t be able to convince him, even if he wanted to.”_

 

_“It’s in the right occipital cortex.”_

 

_“If it starts to get worse, he’ll start to loose his vision.”_

 

_Abby almost snaps at him again, but she manages to calm herself down. Jaha was just trying to help her. The moment she got home, she was going to kill Jake. She wishes he wasn’t so hardheaded. She wishes that both of them weren’t because she could see exactly where this would lead. Her and Jake would argue, and Clarke would find out. Then Clarke would be too stubborn to forgive either of them. “I, uh, thank you, Thelonious.”_

 

_“I think that’s the first time you called me by my name.”_

 

_“Probably the last.” Abby says, and he smiles, one that she gives her patients when she knows she can’t help them._

 

_“You should go home, talk to him. I’d tell Clarke, too. She’s smart. She’ll figure it out herself if you don’t. And I’m sure you and Jake don’t want her to figure it out like that.”_

 

_Abby nods, and sighs. She wanted to stay at the hospital, but she had promised Jake was she wouldn’t work today. And she needs to tell Jake. She’s positive that he’ll just act like nothing is wrong, though._

 

_When she gets home, Clarke is nowhere to be found, and Jake is working on something in the basement. He doesn’t notice when she comes in, and she stands and watches quietly. He’s got earbuds in, and it’s a sight that makes her want to laugh; Jake has always complained about using them to listen to his music. He’s sketching something, his blueprints a mess as he shoves on of them out of the way._

 

_“Jake, honey.” He doesn’t answer, and Abby sighs. She closes the small distance between them, resting her hand on his shoulder._

 

_He smiles widely, “Hey, hon. Home so soon? I thought you’d want to spend your day off away fr-”_

_“We need to talk.”_

 

_His smile instantly drops, and he pulls out his earbuds. It reminds her of Clarke whenever she’s doing homework. “Abby, if this is about the scan, I really do-”_

 

_She knows that its mean, its awful, its cruel, the way she cuts Jake off, but he needs to start listening to her. “You have a brain tumor, Jake.”_

 

_“Oh. So I’ll go crazy and start cooking Methamphetamine?” He says with a small smile, and Abby wishes that she can just explain everything to him, without any jokes. She gets that it’s Jake’s way of dealing with things, but it just bothers her so much how everything she tells him seems to fly over his head._

 

_“He had lung cancer, this isn't a joke, and its in your occipital cortex. That doesn’t control your emotions. You’ll most likely go blind.”_

 

_“And…? I’ve already seen how Clarke has grown up. And Lexa. I’m not doing whatever they offer to get rid of it.”_

 

_Abby looks at him. She can tell that he’s thinking it through, as he twists his wedding band on his finger. It’s the first time she’s even seen him consider their situation, and when he sighs, turning back to his work silently, she knows what he wants. He wants her to leave him alone, to stop bothering him about living, and it makes her angrier than before. She wants to smack him and make in realize what he’s doing._

 

_“You are an idiot.”_

 

_She leaves him in the basement, and passes Clarke on her way up to her and Jake’s room. “Mom? What’s wrong? Hey, mom…”_

 

_Clarke doesn't follow her, and Abby’s more than thankful that she doesn’t have to deal with the burden of telling Clarke in that moment._

* * *

 

Lexa didn’t know she had a brother. She’s sure that Aden- her brother didn’t know he had a sister, either. Lexa had never even thought about the possibility of her having a brother. They’ve spent the past half hour in her room sitting across from each other, studying the other. Lexa tries to see if she could see herself in him- if he looks anything like her mother and father, but she can’t. Mostly because she can’t remember them well. She’s not sure if she should be angry, or if she should be happy that she’s found out about Aden now, and not later. 

 

“So, our mom abandoned you, too?” Aden asks. It’s the firs thing that Lexa has heard Aden say, and she tries to shrug it off. She doesn’t know how bad her mother is now. She’s never actually knew her mom, and Aden has. Lexa knows that he’s not lucky to remember her- he’s been dropped off here. 

 

“How old are you?” Lexa replies, trying to seize him up.

 

“Eleven.” 

 

Lexa’s only five years older than him. Which means that her mother was pregnant with Aden when she had left her at school. Lexa tries her best to not be angered at this. Aden doesn't look anything like her, and Lexa looks like her dad. Which Lexa can narrow down to two things. Their mother had an affair, or Aden’s just one of those kids who doesn't look like his birth parents. Lexa doubts its the second option. 

 

Lexa doesn't say anything else, and they continue to stare at each other, maybe waiting for one to ask another question, or for one of them to look away, but it doesn't happen. Lexa notices a book sticking out of his duffel bag, and she can make out the text, and it reads, _Superman._

 

“Marvel has better superheroes.” Lexa tells him, nodding towards his book. “I have to say, Tony Stark is the best.” Aden narrows his eyebrows. 

 

“All he does is fly around in a suit.” 

 

“Exactly. He’s got no real superpowers but he still risks his life. Tony Stark is way better than Clark Kent. You’re telling me that some alien dude who’s the reason the world almost ends is better than a man who flies around in metal suits that can blow stuff up?” 

 

They argue some more. Lexa then decides that she would never let anybody hurt Aden, because now he was her responsibility. If anything had happened to him, it would have been her fault. 

 

Lexa quickly finds out that Aden is a genius. She’s seen it where parents tell their kids that they’re smart, only to be average at school, but Aden is a _genius_. She has no idea how it happens, but they find a book filled with math problems- most all of the things Lexa has learned, and she’s trying to figure out some stupid Calculus problem as Aden reads one of his comic books again, and he looks up every few seconds, “X is the sine of 60, isn't it? Then you can solve for the midpoint.” 

 

Lexa stares at him, surprised that he’s even read through the problem to understand what’s going on, and is even more surprised when he’s right. Lexa comes to the conclusion that she needs to go back to school and retake Calculus as Aden smiles, shrugging. 

 

“You’re a freaking genius.” 

 

“They made me skip third grade,” He says, turning the page in his book. “Mom didn’t really like that. She said it just made things harder on her. But she mostly said that because it meant she was going to have to pay more attention to me.” 

 

Lexa frowns. She doesn't remember her mother very well, but Aden would. She can only hope that her mom isn’t as bad as she imagined, but she doubt that it’ll be like that. People are either better or worse than people expected them to be. Lexa’s one of them, constantly disappointing everyone. She doubt she lives up to people expectations. She looks over at Aden, who has decided that she wasn’t going tot respond, still quietly reading. 

 

“Do you want to go out for ice cream?” She asks him, and he looks at her, puzzled. 

 

“But Adelaide said th-” 

 

“We share the truck. It’s my turn with it tonight. Wanna come? I’ll take you to your favorite place.” Aden smiles when she holds up the car keys and she can only think, _Thank God the kid still smiles._ She makes sure that her phone is still hidden in the closet, only to find that it’s dead. Aden hands her a charger, and Lexa doesn’t question why he still gets to keep his phone, but finds out that it’s a iPod. Adelaide probably went soft on him and told him he was allowed to keep it. 

 

After Lexa makes sure her phone is charging, Aden bounces down the stairs, and she has to go down two at a time to keep up with him. Most of the girls have already retreated to their rooms, reading, or most likely trying to catch a good night of sleep before something else happens. 

 

Lexa’s sure that Aden’s never been in a car. Or he’s never paid enough attention to know that he can move the AC vent on his side, and that he can  use the Aux cord. He looks over at Lexa, “What does this do?” Lexa almost laughs- the look of wonder on Aden’s face making her remember that maybe everything isn’t terrible, and that there was still good in the world. 

 

“Well, you plug in your iPod, and you can play music from it, instead of listening to the radio.” Lexa explains, an he smiles widely. He happily plugs his iPod in, and Lexa’s surprised at Aden’s music choice when some heavy-metal song plays. 

 

Despite how it makes her skin crawl, and that she can barely understand what the lyrics are, she lets him sit next to her, humming along. When she asks Aden where his favorite ice cream parlor is, she’s happy to find out that it’s a small place that looks like it can barely fit five people in it. 

 

“Hey, it’s Aden!” The man behind the bar says the moment they walk in. Lexa can read his name tag, and sees that it says Davis. “Long time, no see, right? The usual?” She’s more curious to find out more things about Aden as the night goes on- but there’s only so much she can learn in a few hours. 

 

“Yep!” Aden says cheerfully, then looks at Lexa, “If that’s okay with you, Lexa.” 

 

Lexa’s taken aback that Aden even cares- she had honestly thought that at his age he was just happy to be getting ice cream, but then she remembers that every kid who had ever been forced to grow up in the foster care system grows up faster- she’s sure that Aden hasn't known any better than following his foster parents orders, in fear that he would be taken away again. Lexa knows thats how it was when she was in the Griffin household when she was younger- and wonders if Aden had found a safe family like them, but something had changed everything for him.

 

“Whatever you want, kiddo,” She says, patting his shoulder, and he smiles again, a crooked smile that Lexa returns, “Any suggestions for me?” 

 

Aden takes the offer very seriously. As Davis makes Aden’s usual oder, Aden has his nose pressed up against the glass, fogging it up a little, and as Lexa watches him read over the flavors, she can tell that some of them changed, at least, she assumes so as he shakes his head a bit as he mouths them to himself. Every once in a while, he glances at her, and eventually, he just orders her a small cup of Chocolate ice cream. 

 

“You don’t seem like you’d like any weird flavors.” Aden says, and Lexa shrugs. She pays Davis quickly, and Aden leads her to one of the tables outside. She feels surprisingly safe- sitting at the small metal table, which is crooked and rocks a bit as Aden eats his Cotton Candy flavored ice cream. “They make the ice cream themselves. They showed me how.”

 

Lexa smiles at that. The image of Aden watching, and eventually making some ice cream himself was believable. Lexa almost hates how in the few hours of knowing Aden, she’s comfortable with him. She shouldn’t get to comfortable with him, she knows this, but it’s almost the same thing with Clarke. She just knows that at the end of this, he’ll be one of the most important people to her. She had- _has_ a _brother_. And she didn’t _know_ about it. She’s always wonder if her life would have turned out differently if she had a biological sibling, and it’s like the fates decided to give him to her- eleven years later. 

 

Lexa has a dozen of questions running through her head- all related to how Aden has been growing up. She hated the idea of him growing up in a situation worse than hers, and that she didn’t know about him until a few hours ago. She would’ve liked to know sooner if she had any siblings, or half siblings, for that matter. As far as she can tell, Aden is her half-brother. She could be completely wrong. 

 

Aden seems to pick on the way she nervously moves her spoon in her ice cream, smoothing it out and making it thinner, and he gives her smile, “My foster dad took me here. He drank a lot, and my foster mom was hard;y home… I, uh, I wasn’t really scared of them. They never did anything, but… I don’t think they’ll ever be _good_ parents. My foster dad, he took me here almost every weekend. Like he was trying to say sorry for not doing enough.” 

 

Lexa glances over her shoulder, looking back at the parlor. She fells guilty- she should have reached out to her social worker before she started dating Clarke. She should’ve asked him if there was anything she needed to know. She hasn’t met Aden until today, but she’s betrayed him. If things with the Griffin’s were still the same, she knows that Jake and Abby would’ve been more that happy to help Aden.

 

She turns her attention back to her ice cream, and starts fiddling with the edge of the sticker that was on it, “I, uh, I’ll give you everything I have,” She looks up at Aden, who looks taken back by her words. “I, uh, I need to get a job, but… I… I want to help you. I want to better that him. I’ll teach you what I know. I’ll help you with anything. I mean, if you want me to, but I promise I’ll do better.” 

 

Lexa’s not exactly sure what possessed her to tell Aden that. She hasn’t even known him for a few days, and she promised him something, a promise that she’ll mostly break. She barely knows what the system will end up doing with her. She has no idea if she’ll actually be able to help Aden. Shit, she wouldn’t be surprised if she managed to be worse than Aden’s previous foster parents, but nobody was doing anything about it. 

 

Aden considers her words, pushing his cup of ice cream away from him, half finished, “Okay,” He says carefully, looking at her, “I don’t want to be taking your money, though. I want your help.” 

 

“With what?” 

 

“I want to start a website. You know, where we can find other kids in the system who are too scared to ask for help. We can help fix the screening process for foster parents, to make sure that they’re actually legible for a license.”

 

Lexa leans back in her chair, shaking her head in disbelief. She was right- Aden keeps finding more ways to surprise her, keeping proving how intelligent he is, and she’s convinced that he’s aware of it. “So you want me to help you program it?” 

 

“Exactly. You know how to make programs and code, right?” 

 

“Well, I know how to create a math program. It’s a different type of coding.” 

 

“But you can figure it out?” 

 

“I don’t know, kiddo. But I can try.” 

 

Aden smiles, picking up his cup again, and Lexa smiles back. “Also, if you really want a job, Davis would give you one.” 

 

Lexa considers it for a few seconds, then turns down Aden’s offer, mostly because she has a feeling it’ll be torn away from her in the near future, just like Clarke. 

* * *

 

Jake hated looking at the MRI his doctor had given him. He also hated reading about what it meant. For the past five months, he’s gotten three MRI scans, to check for tumor growth, at the demand of Abby. He barely understood what it meant, but he knew the basics. And that’s all he needed to know. It’s all he _wanted_ to know. 

 

_It’s in your right occipital cortex, Jake. It controls your vision. Jake, you have to do something. You won’t be able to hide the seizures away from Clarke much longer. You can’t pretend everything is okay. It’s not._

 

It was his third fight with Abby in the past two weeks. Hushed whispers in their room incase Clarke would overhear. Jake didn’t want to give Clarke anything else to worry about. He didn’t understand why Abby pushed him too much. After every MRI scan, it’s the same thing. _Same change. It grew two percent._  

 

Besides, Jake didn’t feel like spending his last few months alive getting sick from Chemotherapy and his daughter trying to take care of him. He’s considered going to one of those group meetings that talk about how their chemotherapy helped them- just for the sake of getting Abby to quite down about it, but he’s decided against it. He wasn’t going to walk into a place and ask them to save his life if he didn’t need it. He doubts that Abby would ever understand that; she’s spent her entire life helping people, and Clarke was the same. He was going to wait before telling her. 

 

“Jake, you’re talking to Dan later today, right?” Abby asks, and Jake doesn’t look up from his paper, nodding. He wishes that Abby wasn’t so involved with Lexa’s Social Worker- on most days, it felt that trying to work with him was hurting Lexa’s chances more than actually helping them. None of them have seen Lexa in months, and it was starting to take toll on the house. 

 

He didn’t trip over her soccer cleats anymore, and Clarke hardly smiled. Even Zeus was missing Lexa, sitting on the edge of the couch whenever he watched tv, waiting to see Lexa come up the front porch steps through the window, but it never happened. Clarke’s friends were over more than ever now, and he can’t say that he’s surprised that they knew about Clarke and Lexa, not him. 

 

“I don’t understand why he has to come over when Clarke’s home. She dislikes him more than I do.” Jake tells Abby, and she sighs. 

 

“She has a car, she can drive to her friends house.” 

 

“Lexa used to drive her everywhere,” Jake says, folding the newspaper. Abby frowns, Clarke was still up in her room sleeping, as far as they knew, but he didn’t want to risk the chance of Clarke over hearing them. “I say we just let them drop the charges and keep Lexa at the group home. Clarke’ll be happy again, Abby.” 

 

“Jake, you need to think abo-”

 

“I _have_ thought about it, Abby.” He understood perfectly what it meant if they let Lexa stay at the group home. It was possible that she was going to get hurt, but from what Dan had told him, Lexa was perfectly safe. Nothing bad has happened to her. _Yet_. He swallows, and pushes the thought to the back of his head. 

 

He couldn’t stand seeing Clarke without Lexa. He knew he was lucky when Lexa ended up being Clarke’s best friend when he took her in. He should’ve payed more attention to the immediate change between the two of them, filled with tension when Lexa had signed the papers to get adopted. It should've been his first hint. 

 

“I’m starting to think we’ll do Lexa more good if we just let this go.” 

 

“Let this _go_? And what? Abandon her? She’s already been abandoned once before.” 

 

“This isn't abandoning her, Abby!” Jake argues, running his fingers through his hair. He spent sleepless night imagining how Lexa would have felt if they stopped contacting Dan and tried to get her out of the group home, but he understood that Lexa had already made a choice, too. She chose to get rid of what she gained when she signed those adoption papers. “She made it clear that she doesn't want to be adopted. I respect that.” 

 

“They’re teenagers, Jake!” Abby says loudly, waving her hands in the air. “The girls  didn’t understand what they was do-”

 

“You remember when we were teenagers, don’t you? We were just as reckless as them.”

 

“We didn’t toss our entire future down the drain, Jake.” Abby says, grabbing her phone and car keys, avoiding his gaze. “They don’t understand. Just like you don’t.” 

 

“Abby. We’re talking about Lexa, no-”

 

“You’re dying! Do you understand that? And you refuse to let the doctors I work with help you!” Abby hisses, and Jake almost rolls his eyes. He decides it’d be too childish of him. They finally got the results from the MRI scan that Jake had gotten when Clarke and Lexa were camping. 

 

“Unless you decide to become a hot-shot neurosurgeon, I’m not doing anything. I’ve seen them. You’ve seen them. Chemo makes them sicker. They go into remission and get thei-”

 

“The least you could do is fight it.” 

 

Jake watches her leave, and sighs, leaning against the counter. He hates how Abby has completely shot down the idea of Lexa and Clarke. He didn’t understand why she was so upset. He was upset, too. At first, but then he understood. People can’t help the pull they have towards each other. 

 

Zeus comes running in, and he knows that means Clarke is awake. Clarke walks in a few seconds after Zeus, glancing at him before opening the fridge and grabbing the gallon of milk. He frowns when he notices the circle underneath her eyes. 

 

“Mom already at work?” 

 

Jake nods in response. Watching as Clarke grabs a bowl, “Do you want to go out for breakfast, Clarke? You can invite your friends if you want.” 

 

Jake was more than happy when Clarke accepted his offer, knowing she would be upset later when she found out that Dan was coming over. He ends up picking up Octavia, then Clarke tells him he has to pick up Rave and Anya- which he gladly does. 

 

He ends up regretting it almost thirty minutes later when he's shoved into the corner of a booth in iHop, Clarke and Octavia arguing about something next to him, and Raven yelling at Anya for spilling one of the drinks. As the waiter comes up to them, he manages to smile, and she smiles, “Uh, all of them yours?”

 

Jake nearly laughs, looking back over at Raven and Anya’s close proximity, and he doesn’t want to know what Anya whispered into Raven’s ear. He then looks over at Clarke and Octavia, who stopped arguing and are looking at something on Octavia’s phone. 

 

“In a way, I guess. They’re my daughter best friends.” He explains. 

 

After that he tells the girls to order, and he can’t decide if it would have been better if Lexa was there with them, or if it would be the same and he just has to get used to the possibility of not seeing Lexa everyday again for the rest of his life. Even then, he’d be okay with seeing her just once. 

 

Jake’s more than surprised when all of the girls start to ask him about his work, but he happily tells them about it. 

* * *

 

Jake was starting to hate Lexa’s Social Worker. Dan hasn’t done anything to help get Lexa back- he only tries to explains the situation, even though Jake clearly understands it. And he doesn’t care. It might make him blunt and selfish, but he doesn’t care about the relationship between Lexa and Clarke. 

 

Or at least he tells himself he doesn’t. Him and Abby have had their suspicions about the two of them, and hoped that if anything had happened between the two younger girls, they would have told him. Instead he finds out when Lexa’s Social Worker shows up at their door, asking for Lexa. Jake had told him that Clarke and Lexa were away for the weekend with some friends, but seconds later Lexa showed up. With a fuming Clarke behind her, grumbling something about camping trips as Lexa went into the kitchen. He had always known that Clarke and Lexa cared about each other. 

 

“Look, Mr.Griffin, I can’t just let Lexa back here, not with her relationship with your daughter.” 

 

“I don’t care about her relationship with Clarke, we just want her to be okay. You can’t just take someone out of their house.” Jake argues, and Dan sighs. The fridge door opens, and Jake starts to tell Clarke that she can’t be here, but he decides against it. Clarke knows Lexa better than anyone, and he shouldn’t try to invalidate that. Clarke has taken Lexa’s absence harder than all of them, that much was obvious. Clarke laughs, shaking her head, and Jake runs his fingers through his hair. 

 

“Glad to know you care, Dad. My _relationship_ with Lexa is what got her kicked out of here. And she’s not going to be coming back, because you and mom just had to adopt her. She almost didn’t, you know. I told her she should, though. She only did it because I told her to. Told her it would be a good idea.” 

 

“Clarke, just let me han-”

 

“Handle what, dad?” Clarke demands. “You didn’t even know about Lexa and I. How are you going to handle it?” 

 

“ _Clarke_.” Jake says her name, and would feel guilty for snapping at her, but she has been acting out ever since Lexa left, which, he guess was understandable. But he just needed her to trust that he would handle this. He hasn’t done a great job so far, but he was going to fix it. He was sure on that. He glances at Dan, then back to Clarke. “Be careful about what you say.” 

 

“Or what? They’ll take me away, too? Figures.” 

 

Dan then chooses then to intervene again, “Clarke, I still need to talk to you about Lexa. It’s important. If I don’t or if the wrong word goes around, this could turn into a Rape case. You understand that, don’t you? Lexa doesn’t need that.” 

 

“A rape case? How come I didn’t know about this?” Jake demands, slamming his hands on the table, nearly spilling his cup of water on the files Dan had given to him. 

 

“It’s because I’m not a little girl anymore, Dad. I didn’t want him to tell you.” 

 

Jake doesn’t respond. He runs his fingers through his hair, and sighs. He was stupid to hope that a few kisses behind closed doors were what happened between Clarke and Lexa. He doesn’t find it in himself to be angry at Clarke and send her to her room. He can’t even find it in himself to be mad at Lexa. Instead, the worry for the two girls that has been sitting in his chest for a few months since Lexa left was starting to grow. He understands, because every teenager makes mistakes, but even he’s not sure how he can help them fix this. 

 

He tells Dan to leave. He shoves the files on Lexa into a pile, and shoves them into one of the kitchen, where Clarke won’t be able to see it. Dan tries to tell him that he needs to stay, and that if he doesn’t it’ll take things longer to go back to normal, but seeing the look on Clarke face makes Jake ignore it, and tell him to come back a different day. 

 

When Jake’s sure that Dan is gone, his car pulling out of the driveway, he returns to the kitchen, where Clarke’s still leaning against the counter, blankly staring at the floor. In the past few months since Lexa has been gone, Clarke has acted as if everything was okay, and he’s overheard her talking about it with her friends- but never brought it up, knowing that it was Clarke’s way of coping. Clarke clearly thought that she had to fix this herself, and he hated that. As her dad he’s supposed to stop things like this from happening, try to eliminate the things that hurt her, but he hadn’t even known about the two of them. And the first heartbreak is always the hardest. 

 

“Clarke?” He asks, gently, and she looks up at him, giving him a small smile. He manages to give her one back, ignoring the fact that he wants to ask her if she’s okay. It would be a stupid question, and he’s afraid that if he does ask her, Clarke was going to break. He could handle crying. If anything it made him happy that Clarke would come to him about something like that, because it meant that she truly trusted him. But he wasn’t sure of how he would be able to comfort her this time. He wasn’t Lexa. He was never able to comfort Clarke in the way Lexa was. That should have been his second hint. Or that they seemed to hate when they were apart, but Jake had assumed that was because they’ve been close friends since they were younger. But that should’ve been his third hint. 

 

“I love her, Dad. That’s all you need to know.” 

 

His fourth hint. 

 

“I know,” He murmurs, and Clarke shakes her head again, most likely getting ready to tell him that he’s wrong. “I know you do. It feels like everything’s going to fall apart now that she’s gone, doesn’t it?” 

 

Clarke nods, this time burying her face into his chest, her shoulders shaking. “She’s not even dead but I… I miss her so much, Dad.” 

 

Jake lets Clarke cry, and he hopes that he doesn’t have to see the day when Clarke truly looses Lexa. When Clarke stops crying, she leaves without a word, and Jake lets her go. He knows better than telling her it’ll get better, or that she’ll feel better soon, because he doesn’t know that. 

 

Clarke slams her door, and he knows it was an accident. 

 

Clarke grabs her phone the moment her door is shut. She’s still trying to reel in the fact that she told her dad that she loves Lexa, but he took it well. She knew he was, but she can’t help but wonder if he’ll tell her mom, but then shoves that thought to the back of her head, knowing her father would never do that. 

 

She has a few missed calls from Raven and Anya, and she ignores those as she types in the number Anya had given her earlier, telling her that it was Lexa’s new number. It’s been months since Clarke has seen Lexa. Hearing her was the closest thing she would be able to get to for the next few, if it’s as bad as Dan has told her. Clarke would be okay if Lexa quickly explained to her that she couldn’t talk at that minute- Clarke just wanted to know she was okay. 

 

Lexa doesn’t answer.

* * *

 

 

It was late. 

 

Lexa almost regrets saying she would help Aden with his website, or App, or whatever he wanted it to be. She’s sure he would want it to be both. So far, Aden hasn’t wasted a single opportunity to get started on his project. After they finished their ice cream, they passed a small bookstore, and Aden also knew the person behind the counter, which, again, didn’t surprise Lexa. 

Aden drags her through shelves of books, and it makes Lexa miss Clarke even more. She missed being able to lay in bed next to her, reading a book, and one of her hands in Clarke’s golden hair. (Clarke never liked to admit that she liked it). But she pushes the memory away, reminding herself that things have changed, and at this exact moment, Aden was her main concern. (Even though she almost wishes that she could let Aden spend a half hour in the store alone a risk going to visit Clarke). But she couldn’t do that to him. 

 

He leads her to the back of the small store, and Lexa inhales sharply, nearly cursing as she trips over a stack of books on the floor. Aden laughs, a hearty sound that lets her know that he hasn’t let his spirit get crushed quite yet. “I love the smell of old books, do you?” 

 

“I do,” Lexa agrees, and remembers what Raven and Anya had told her once. “Apparently they smell like vanilla flowers and almonds, because of the breakdown of chemical compounds in the paper, and new books smell like they do because of chemicals used in their manufacture.” 

 

Aden blinks, then runs his fingers over the spine of the books, mumbling the titles printed carefully on the spine under his breath. Lexa notices that he does that every time he reads something, and finds it endearing. She’s never really favored the company of people younger than her, but Aden was an exception. Probably the only exception. 

 

“Okay, so there’s this one, a book on ASP, an-”

 

“I said I was gonna do anything to help, get all the books you want.” 

 

Aden’s face lights up, and he immediately takes two books, shoving them into her arms. He goes farther down the shelve, and Lexa trails behind him as he picks the books he thinks would be best- and Lexa can only recognize a few of the names of the types of Coding Aden piles into her arms. 

 

After a few more minutes, Aden leads her back to the front of the store, and the huge stack of books Aden has picked out is considerably cheaper than she thought- and feels that it’s because Aden manages to steal everyone’s heart, or at least is friendly enough with them that he can virtually get whatever he wants. 

 

Lexa puts them in the backseat of the truck, and drives home. All the girls are still in their rooms, and Lexa hopes that nothing too dramatic has happened while she was gone. The house hasn't burned down, so she takes that as a good sign. 

 

Aden brings in the books, and Lexa finds herself laying on her stomach on the floor next to him, three different books open in front of them. Lexa tries to concentrate- because she had meant it when she promised that she would help Aden with whatever he needed or wanted help with, but her eyelids close, and she snaps back awake every few seconds when Aden turns a page, and does the same. 

 

Lexa doesn’t give in at the nagging thought of sleeping, but rises to her feet. “I’m going to get some water, want some?” Aden’s response is a wordless shake of his head, and Lexa sighs. Before she leaves, she glances out the window, and does a double take. 

 

Across the street, parked under a lamplight is a familiar Black Land Cruiser. She’d know it anywhere; she used to drive Clarke to school in it every morning. She’s spent hours in the backseat with Clarke when the house wasn’t safe- and now it’s sitting across her group home. 

 

She’s probably just imagining it, but there’s no way she’s imagining Clarke opening the door and getting out, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jeans, her golden hair in a braid, and _god,_ she looks exactly how Lexa remembers. She doesn’t know what she expected to see when she saw Clarke again, but she doesn’t really care what she did, because Clarke is across the street. Lexa could slip out without anybody noticing, but she can’t contain her happiness. 

 

Lexa’s glad she didn’t take her worn off sneakers when she got home with Aden as she steps over him quickly, slamming the bedroom door behind her, undoubtedly waking up some of the girls, but she doesn't _care_. She nearly falls down the stairs, and she’s barely attention to her sneakers squeaking on the floor, and the sound of Costia calling her. 

 

It doesn’t matter. 

 

Lexa’s not sure if she closes the front door after her, but she doesn’t slow down to walk down the porch steps, and she almost calls Clarke’s name, but she can’t. She’s afraid that things will get worse if she does, even though Clarke is right there, her face illuminated by the streetlight, and Lexa catches a glimpse of a familiar smile before their bodies collide. 

 

Clarke nearly falls over. 

 

And she hugs back, and Lexa can feel Clarke’s hands at her waist, pulling on her t-shirt, and Clarke whispers her name, but Lexa doesn’t respond. Her hand is at the base of Clarke’s neck, playing with short strands of golden hair, and Lexa’s only aware of Clarke’s warm breath on her neck. 

 

Clarke was actually _here_. Here with her, despite everything that had happened. Despite the restraining order hanging over Lexa’s head, after what Lexa had done to them. Clarke smelt like Vanilla and was murmuring words in Lexa’s ear, and she couldn’t focus on them. She wanted to focus on how Clarke was leaning into her, how her hands are still gripping her shirt; like she’s afraid to let go. 

 

They stand there for a while, and Lexa’s just trying her best to not get too emotional. It’s ridiculous. People have it worse than she does, and she’s almost crying over the fact that Clarke is here. 

 

Lexa pulls away slightly, just to look at Clarke. Her eyes are bluer than she remembers, and she’s not sure how that could be. 

 

“Do you miss me?” Lexa asks, tears threatening to spill. Lexa knows it’s a stupid question. Hopefully, Clarke had missed her- why else would she be here? Lexa knows that she misses Clarke. She always know that Clarke misses her- even before Clarke replies, because her eyes give it all away. 

 

Clarke nods, “I miss your laugh. I miss how no matter what, you always payed… I miss the way how you hug me, like you’re terrified of letting go. I miss how no matter what, no matter how much I messed up, you stayed.” Clarke whispers with a sad smile. 

 

“You know I didn’t want to go. I-” _Love you._ It dies in Lexa’s throat. She didn’t want be like this. She wanted to be with Clarke, happily, without hurting anybody. Without having to be afraid of what would happen. She hated that she wasn’t sure anymore.

 

She wasn’t sure if telling Clarke she loved her would be true anymore. Things had changed. Lexa was trying to help Aden. She was trying to make sure that all of the girls in her group home would be safe. Clarke had changed. She could see it the moment she saw Clarke through her bedroom window, and she was afraid to admit that.

 

Lexa looks at Clarke. “You have to go,” Lexa murmurs, hating it the moment it passes her lips. Clarke frowns, but Lexa couldn’t explain that Aden was waiting for her. That the other girls and Adelaide going to mad. Lexa’s sure they’re already coming up with consequences for her- and she doesn’t care about that. She cares about he safety of Clarke, and Clarke being here was not safe. Lexa would never be able to live with herself if Clarke had gotten hurt. 

 

“I know, I-” Clarke sighs. “Lex, it’s bad. Dan, he’s talking about having a case, I-”

 

“Clarke,” Lexa says, and it’s been such a long time since she said her name, that it almost gets stuck in her throat. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll figure it out when it happens, okay? I promise they won’t do anything else. It’s okay.” 

 

Clarke nods,and Lexa gives her a small smile. She leans forward, kissing Clarke’s forehead. Lexa wants to say something else, anything that would make Clarke stop worrying, but she doesn’t know if anything could calm her down. 

 

“I just don’t want you getting hurt.” 

 

“I know, love.” 

 

Clarke pulls away, and it’s too soon. Lexa doesn’t want to let go. She misses Clarke’s laugh. She misses the way Clarke used to kiss her neck whenever they were alone and going homework or watching TV. She misses the way Clarke always taps her pencil on the edge of the table whenever she was trying to concentrate. She misses how Clarke started to up earlier than her on the weekends, to take Zeus out, and how a few minutes later, Clarke always came back with cold hands. She misses everything, and she’s not sure if that would ever change. She even missed Clarke when they were together, when Clarke pulled her hand away at school, or when Jake and Abby were home. 

 

“I miss you, too, Clarke.” 

 

“I know.” Clarke looks over her shoulder, “It looks live we’ve got company.” 

 

Lexa nods. She can’t say she’s surprised that the rest of the girls and Aden have made their way to the porch, wanting to see what all the commotion was about. Lexa doesn’t mind it when Clarke leans up, brushing her lips against her cheek, the corner of her mouth. 

 

“Not a real kiss?” Lexa whispers. It’s demanding; like a little kid asking for candy, but Lexa has been deprived of Clarke. She was going to make the most of their few minutes right now, if people where watching or not. She’s already been caught. She’s already been separated from Clarke. There isn’t much more that they can do to her. 

 

Clarke almost smiles. It’s not the half smiles that she gives Lexa when she’s upset, but it’s a ghost of a smile, one that Clarke only reserved for her. Lexa promises herself that one day she’s going to make Clarke give her that full smile again. 

 

Clarke kisses her gently, and Lexa responds quickly, her hand running through Clarke’s hair, her other gripping Clarke’s hip. Lexa wishes more than ever that she was still at home with Clarke, talking about everything and nothing. The endless conversations of them going to college together. What they would have been like without the stress of getting caught. 

 

Lexa just misses Clarke so much, she wants to spend hours of Clarke talking about anything. She doesn’t care what it would be about. But Clarke pulls away, and Lexa leans in again, but Clarke stops her. 

 

“Be careful, Lex.” 

 

“Clarke, I’ll be fine.” Lexa murmurs, and Clarke smiles, nodding, but Lexa knows that she doesn’t agree. They don’t say anything else, and Lexa tries to hide her frown as she opens the car door for Clarke. The window is rolled down, and when the door is shut, Lexa leans against it. 

 

Clarke nods in the direction of the house, “I believe you’ve got somewhere to be.” 

 

Lexa shrugs. “Not really.” Clarke smiles then, and Lexa smiles back. She’s about to say goodbye, knowing that she needs to get back, but Clarke grabs her by the collar of her shirt, kissing her again. She’s surprised, but she melts into the feeling of Clarke’s lips pressed to her. 

 

“You’ll let me know what happens?” Clarke whispers once she pulls away, biting her bottom lip nervously. Lexa tries not to worry over it too much, knowing that Clarke’s been worried since the moment she left. 

 

“Of course.” Lexa whispers back. 

 

With that, Lexa takes a step back and watches as Clarke drives away. She then sulks to the front porch where Adelaide was watching, Aden and Costia next to her. Aden has a smile on his face, and some of the other girls surrounding him laugh at Lexa as she walks up the steps. She can hear one of them murmur something that she misses, and another one tells her that Clarke’s hot, and Lexa has to bury her hands in her pockets to refrain herself from starting another fight. 

 

Adelaide stares at her, and Lexa waits for her to bark out orders, remind her of ever rule she had just broken, but instead, she gives her a small nod. Almost of approval, “Hope you had a nice little reunion. You can explain to the judge assigned to your case why you broke the restraining order. You won’t be seeing your girlfriend for a while again, is that clear?” 

 

Lexa nods, but almost exactly twenty-four hours later, Lexa’s falling asleep to Clarke’s heartbeat.

* * *

 

Lexa’s not sure what to think of the voicemail she’s just listened to. Sure, Lexa’s heard of Navy recruiters, but she’s never heard of them calling people. She presses the play button again, ignoring Aden calling her from the bottom of the stairs. 

 

 _“Hello, my name is Jackson. I’m a Navy Seal recruiter, and I’m calling to see if you’re interested in stopping by the office.”_ There’s a nervous laugh, and Lexa’s sure she can hear papers shuffling in the background before he talks into the microphone again, “ _Well, uh, the office closes at 1900 hours. I called because you were recommended by someone else. His name’s Lincoln. Anyways, I hope you consider coming by to talk more in details. Hope to see you around, Miss. W- Griffin.”_

 

Lincoln. Lexa’s hasn't seen him in months. She wasn’t even sure if he remembered him. But now it’s clear that he does, and Lexa’s not sure what she thinks of it. Lexa hasn’t considered joining the service. Actually, that was a lie. Lexa has always thought about the idea, but not actively, until now, for the past five minutes. She probably wouldn’t be eligible, since she’s not eighteen. And she’s sure that this Jackson person called, only because he expected Lincoln’s friends to be as big and tough as him. 

 

Which wasn’t the case. 

 

Aden calls for her again, and she fumbles as she shoves her phone under her pillow. She had promised she’d walk to the school fields with him, to play soccer, before school started up again. Senior year for Lexa was approaching, and she had barely acknowledged it until Adelaide had asked her if she was ready. Lexa hadn’t really expected for her life to go back to normal. 

 

She goes downstairs, barely acknowledging Adelaide, or what Aden’s happily talking about, though she tries tot put some interest into it. First, she’s been wondering about when she’ll see Clarke again, and how much she’s missed her, and now, she’s seriously considering taking the recruiters offers, and thinks she should stop by later today. If Adelaide allows it. 

 

They make the walk to Lexa’s former school in less than an half hour. She passes the ball to Aden, and he smiles proudly as he juggles it a few times- and Lexa remembers the first time she had come up here with Anya. It was when they were both in middle school, and Lexa had barely seen the high school. None of their soccer matches were ever held there, and Anya had made her walk with her, instead of asking Anya’s mom to make the fifteen minute drive to where their practices were held. 

 

Lexa yelled at Anya about never becoming a goalie when she broke her finger, and thank god, it didn’t happen. Her finger was still crooked; since Anya didn’t set it up in the splint correctly. 

 

“Have you ever tried out for a team?” Lexa asks Aden, and he shakes his head. 

 

“Maybe this season, when school starts up again, I’ll take you to a tryout session, okay? If that’s what you want.” 

 

Aden nods in agreement, and Lexa smiles as he passes her the ball. They spend hours at the field, and for those few hours, Lexa forgets about everything she has been working about the past few months. She would’ve offered to take Aden out for ice cream again, but it’s nearly six when she starts to walk back- and she needs to hurry if she wanted to visit the recruiter today. 

 

Lexa’s relived when the truck is sitting in the driveway of the group home, hoping that Adelaide still had the keys and didn't give them to one of the other girls. She only has forty minutes to get to the office. 

 

Aden runs ahead of her, probably to go take a shower to wash of the dirt. Lexa should take a shower, too, but she doesn’t have time. She wants to get this meeting with the recruiter over as fast as possible- before she changes her mind, or regrets it. 

 

“Adelaide, I-” Lexa stops her at the kitchen, only for Adelaide to cut her off sharply. 

 

“There are other girls in this house, Woods.” 

 

Lexa swallows roughly, and ignores Adelaide’s prodding. Adelaide’s hoping that Lexa will take the opportunity to screw something else up, and Lexa wasn't going to fall into that trap. “Look, I just need the truck for an half hour, I’m going to visit a recruiter.” 

 

“A _recruiter_?” Adelaide scoffs, shaking her head. “You’ll have time to meet recruiters during the school year.” 

 

Lexa sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “No, no, not a college recruiter. A Navy recruiter.” 

 

Adelaide’s face changes, an unreadable expression. Lexa hasn’t spent much time in the house has she had before- she has barely seen Adelaide’s wife around, but she knows that her wife was at physical therapy most of the time, probably trying to keep the memories at bay. Lexa doesn’t blame her. 

 

The car keys are pressed into her hands, and Lexa mumbles a thank you, and Adelaide ignores it, “Be home by seven thirty. Not a minute late.” 

 

Lexa tells her thank you again, and runs a red light on the way to the office. 

 

She never was a big fan of offices, but sitting in a chair in front of Jackson, the recruiter as he explains exactly why Lincoln had recommended her, he gives her a type of smile that she decides is halfway between apologetic and supporting, “He says you’d be good. That you’re made for it. I mean, of course, we won’t know this until you decide if this is what you want to do, and go through the training. But I’ve gotten your files from your social worker.” 

 

Lexa’s heart drops. She has no idea what Jackson actually thinks of her, but he waves her worry away. “You’re loyal. Which is exactly what we want. I know you’re the type to never give up. And you’ll have a family to come back to.” 

 

“Look, Jackson, I want to do this. I’ll do the training, but I-”

 

“Lexa, can you tell me what day it is?” 

 

“Um, July 15th?” 

 

Jackson laughs, and shakes his head. “The 15th was yesterday. Today is July16th.” 

 

Lexa stares at him blankly for a few seconds, before she makes the connection. “My birthday.” 

 

“Not just your birthday. Your _eighteenth_ birthday.” 

 

“I thought I have to finish my high school education to be eligible.” 

 

Jackson shrugs, “If that’s what you want. But instead, you can join us today. I’ll put you on a waiting list, and by fall, you’ll be able to join training. If they decide to give you the spot.” 

 

Lexa sighs. She should finish school. But, at the same time, she has all of the credits she needs to graduate. She could do this, if she really wanted to, but she can’t imagine leaving Clarke again. This would be different than not being able to see her. Lexa could get deported. She would be miles and miles away from home. She still barely understand exactly how this works, despite the pamphlet and information Jackson had given her. 

 

“It’s a contract, right?” 

 

“The first day starts from the day you go to boot camp; so, it is 6 years altogether for the initial contract for SO Rating. From boot camp to graduating from SEAL Pipeline will take about a year and a half. You’ll be able to come home after training, before you get assigned to a squad and deported. Then, there is a specialty training that takes between 2-6 months depends on the specialty Altogether, about 2 years training and 4 years as operator.” Jackson explains, then smiles again, “You’d be one of the youngest people trying out for seals again. And if it turns out you love it, you can spend more years. Most people do, until they get hurt.” 

  
“I’ve never done anything like this before. I don’t know if I can handle it.” 

 

“Who does?” 

 

Lexa sighs again, but then stares a the piece of paper in front of her. It was staring at her, demanding that she should consider it. And Lexa wasn’t going to lie, she wasn’t afraid, but that might change over the course of the next few months, and years, but right now, she was excited. 

She nods, and then takes the pen from Jackson, and tells him she’ll be expecting a call as soon as possible, but she doubt that if she tells Clarke, Clarke would approve. 

* * *

 

Lexa’s sure she’s lost her mind when she’s laying in her bed, playing with the ring in her pocket. Aden’s soft snores were coming from the corner, and there’s still an occasional creak, signaling that some of the other girls were awake, meaning she would have to wait longer to sneak out. 

 

The ring wasn’t a big deal. Lexa wasn’t sure if it should be considered a real ring, since she was only going to use it as a promise ring. Even then, Lexa’s nervous as hell to be meeting with Clarke. And not to mention the fact that Jackson had called her a few hours after she met him, telling her that he had found a spot for her. And as he promised, she would begin her training in fall. A month after school started up again.She wonders if Lincoln had already heard about her and helped find it. 

 

A bedroom door creaks shut, and the light that had crept through the cracks of her door were gone, and she sits up. Aden’s still sleeping soundly as she slips on a pair of jeans, not bothering to change her shirt as she slips socks and shoes on. She grabs her phone- she doesn’t want to come home too late and get caught sneaking back in, and makes sure that she still has the ring. 

 

She does, thank god. 

 

She crosses the room, managing to not trip over any of the books, and pushes the window open. It creaks a bit, but she gets it open wide enough for her to slip through. Lexa finds it funny. The last time she climbed out a window and onto a roof was nearly two years ago, before she had started dating Clarke. It makes the whole thing more bizarre- since it’s almost been a year since her and Clarke actually started dating. But it makes sense- they had gotten together in the fall. Lexa hates how she’s now just realizing how much time has passed. 

 

Lexa doesn’t take the truck, in fear it’ll make too much noise as she starts it, and starts making her way to the soccer field. 

 

Clarke is already there when Lexa arrives. Lexa regrets that she’s never thought of spending a night on the field- she can see the stars. Clarke’s leaning agains the net, staring at them. Lexa recalls that Clarke took an astronomy class, too. Lexa has a book on it at her house at the Griffin’s, but now, she can’t remember the hours she spent pouring over the pages. 

 

“Fancy meeting you here.” Lexa says, and Clarke doesn't turn around, but Lexa can hear the smile in Clarke’s voice. 

 

“Happy Birthday, Lex.” 

 

Lexa moves to stand next to her, and their shoulders brush, and for a few seconds, that’s enough contact for Lexa, until she decides she needs more and grabs Clarke’s hand. “Can you believe I never thought this would be a good idea for a date?” Lexa asks, and Clarke scoffs. 

 

“I can. Now, I’ll have to hold you up to it.” 

 

“I’ll gladly take you. We can do it now. However, I was foolish and forgot to bring a blanket. And food.” Lexa doesn’t need to look to know the Clarke rolls her eyes, but Clarke grips her hand tighter, leading her to the middle of the field. 

 

They lie down, and Lexa’s comfortable in the silence, but she wants to hear Clarke talk. As if she was reading her mind, Clarke rests her head on her shoulder, “Can you believe we’re going to the seniors? And you’re eighteen. Did Anya tell you she’s going to wait a year before going to college just for Raven to graduate?”

 

Lexa laughs, “They love each other. Of course Anya would do that for Raven. No matter how annoying Raven may be.” Clarke starts tracing the inside of her wrist, and it’s another thing Lexa has missed. 

 

“Yeah, they do.” Clarke mumbles, and Lexa presses a kiss to her temple, and Clarke’s thumb freezes on her wrist, “I left your birthday present at the house.” 

 

“It’s okay. I don’t need a present.” Lexa assures her, kissing her temple again. Clarke clearly doesn’t accept it as an answer, as she gets to her feet, pulling Lexa up with her. 

 

“No, it’s not. I’m giving you a gift.” Clarke insists, and Lexa shrugs, getting ready to insist that she doesn’t need it, but she decides against it, knowing that she can’t change Clarke’s mind. So, Lexa lets Clarke drive her back home, and they go through the gate leading to the backyard. 

 

Their tree, with the tree house is still standing, and as Clarke starts to climb up the loose steps, Lexa shakes her head. 

 

“You’re telling me that I have to follow you back up there for my gift? Remember the last time we were up there together?” Lexa asks as Clarke disappears from view, pushing the trapdoor open and climbing inside. A few moments later, Clarke pokes her head out, a wide smile. 

 

“Babe, please, it’ll be worth it.” 

 

Lexa groans, crossing her arms over her chest stubbornly. “But I don’t want to, Claaaarke.” 

 

“But I want you to, Lexaaaaa.” 

 

“Fine.” Lexa grumbles, and Clarke’s face disappears as she starts to climb up the steps. Lexa pushes the door open, expecting it to be the same dusty place it was the last time she had saw it, but it’s completely different. Clarke had decorated the entire thing. 

 

Lexa’s not sure how she did it, but Clarke has a mattress pushed to the corner, with sheets on it, and pillows. It’s bigger than the one in Clarke’s room. One the walls, there’s paintings, all beautiful work done by Clarke. She’s even hung up lights around the ceiling, and Lexa looks at Clarke, who excitedly hands her a package. 

 

Before Lexa opens the package, she notices some candles next to the bed that she missed before, “I didn’t know you were such a hopeless romantic, Clarke.” Lexa teases, and Clarke rolls her eyes. 

 

“Just open your present before I decide I want it back.” 

 

Lexa fakes a surprised gasp, “You wouldn’t really do that to me, would you?” Lexa listens to Clarke though, tearing off the wrapping paper. Lexa immediately recognizes it as one of Clarke’s notepads. 

 

“I, uh… I know it’s not much, but I just thought maybe you’d like it.” 

 

Lexa’s honestly taken aback. Clarke hasn’t mind sharing her art with her, but she knows how personal it could be with her sometimes, and to think that Clarke was giving her a book of those feelings were amazing. Lexa flips it open, eager to see what Clarke has offered her. 

 

On the inside of the cover, there’s a CD taped, and Lexa lets out a small laugh, “You _are_ a hopeless romantic, Clarke.” 

 

“Whatever,” Clarke says with a dramatic sigh. “It has a bunch of your favorite songs. Keep looking.” 

 

Seeing the excited smile Clarke gives her, Lexa obliges again, turning the page. Lexa had expected drawings, and she knows that Clarke has given her some, but the first filled page is a few pictures taped to the paper, and Lexa smiles at the memory of endless nights spent when Clarke had painted her back. 

 

They’re all completely different. One is of the forest, and Lexa’s still surprised that Clarke has managed to get that much detail on her back, limited with a such few colors. The second one is much less detail- just a trail of black paint down her spine. 

 

Clarke rubs the back of her neck nervously at that one, when she sees Lexa’s look of confusion. “I, uh, I don’t really know what that is,” Clarke mumbles, looking away, “So don’t ask me, it just came to mind that night.” 

 

Lexa smiles, enjoying the fact that Clarke is nervous. Between the two of them, Clarke is rarely the nervous one, and Lexa was going to enjoy this moment while it lasts. She looks at it again, noticing the eight circles at the bottom of her spine that seem to come from the bigger open on near the base of her neck, with the little details that remind Lexa of meteor shower of some sort. 

 

“I like it,” Lexa tells Clarke confidently, “It’s unique. Really, Clarke, this is amazing. It’s okay if you can’t explain it.” 

 

“I drew it again, uh, on paper. So you can see the details better.” 

 

“Thank you.” Lexa replies, and Clarke’s smile falters a bit, “Clarke? What’s wrong?” 

 

Clarke shakes her head, “Nothing. It’s okay. I’m okay. Everything’s great.” 

 

Lexa frowns. Clarke was obviously lying, and she doesn’t want to push Clarke, but if she did something wrong, she wants to know. She carefully puts the book Clarke had gave her on the floor near the edge of the bed. 

 

“Are you sure?” Lexa murmurs, taking a step closer. Clarke’s eyes almost flutter shut as she nods, avoiding her gaze. Lexa can’t stop the frown as she tucks her fingers under Clarke’s chin, “You’d tell me if I did something wrong, right?” 

 

“I just missed you.” Clarke murmurs, and Lexa gives her a small smile. 

 

“Well, I’m here now, aren’t I?” Lexa feels guilty as she says it, knowing that in the next few months, she won’t be. She’ll be leaving Clarke alone, again. She swallows her guilt as she wraps her arms around Clarke’s shoulders, pulling her in for a hug. 

 

Clarke mumbles something, that Lexa misses the first time, but the second time, she hears it clearer, “Y’know, I didn’t bring a bed up here for us to not use it.” 

 

Lexa chuckles at that, ready to mumble a response, but Clarke pulls her over to the bed. Lexa’s surprised, and Clarke’s kissing her gently. hey collided with a sick smack; Evie gave a strangled yelp that bit off into a gasp as Luna seized her waist and twisted in an effort to avoid crushing Evie as they both crashed to the floor, Evie landing on her rather than the other way around. Luna groaned as stars exploded in her vision.

 

Lexa pulls away, as much as she hates it. She didn’t want this to happen if Clarke was upset, and Clarke’s eyes open, dark, glazed with lust. Lexa glances at Clarke’s lips, which were already swollen, and Lexa’s suddenly aware of the exact position their in. 

 

“Lexa?” 

 

“I, uh, I…” Lexa mumbles, the realization slowly inkling into her that she’s lying on top of Clarke, pressed against her, a leg trapped between Clarke’s. Her entire body warmed, and she hopes that she dips her face into Clarke’s neck fast enough to hide her blush. She was nervous as hell. Lexa couldn’t explain it. She wasn’t even close to being this nervous their first time, _her_ first time, and now, with Clarke looking up at her with her swollen lips and her blue eyes, her golden hair sprawled underneath her, and, _god_. 

 

She didn’t deserve Clarke. 

 

“It’s been a while.” Lexa murmurs, not sure what to expect of Clarke’s reaction, but Clarke doesn’t laugh. Clarke looks apologetic, and she starts to sit up, but Lexa stops her. “I- It’s okay. Don’t go. I ju- You’re beautiful.” 

 

Clarke blushes and looks away, and Lexa smiles, “You know, I’m glad I can still make you do that.” Lexa tells her, “At least I know I still have an effect.” 

 

 

“Of course you do.” Clarke tells her. Lexa doesn’t stop Clarke this time when she kisses her again, switching their positions, Lexa’s back hitting the mattress, and Clarke’s kissing her neck. Clarke nips at the skin, biting gently before sucking, and Lexa has to bite her lip. It’s only been seconds, and Clarke has already made her mess. Now, all Lexa wants to do is take away the thick layer of jeans between them, remove Clarke’s shirt and dig her nails into Clarke’s bare hip. 

Lexa didn’t necessarily get her way, but she can’t say she complained. 

 

* * *

 

Clarke groans, her head tilting to the side as she presses a kiss behind Lexa’s ear, “And… To think …” Clarke whispers breathlessly, grinding her hips against Lexa’s. “This bed would… Go to waste.” 

 

“And to think... Fuck, _Clarke_." Lexa moans as Clarke grinds down just right, _holy fuck,_ "You'd be... Romantic for once." Lexa breaths out, nearly whining when Clarke slows her pace. Clarke's iron grip on Lexa's wrists tighten as Clarke stops completely. 

 

She looks down at Lexa, and Lexa regrets even saying anything. Clarke had let Lexa get as far as unclasping her bra before she decided that torturing Lexa would be better. Clarke was above her, shirtless, _braless,_ with her jeans still on, smirking. It wasn't fair. For one, Lexa was still fully clothed. And two, Clarke has refused to let Lexa touch her in the past hour. 

 

It's been painful minutes of Clarke sucking on her neck, soothing the spot with her tongue seconds later without Lexa being able to grip her hair. It's been painful minutes of Clarke slipping her knee between Lexa's legs, barely applying enough pressure before removing it and settling both knees on either side of Lexa, rocking her hips against hers. Clarke has done it so many times, that people would think that it wouldn't have the same effect, but if anything it was better than the last time. 

 

"Do you want me to be doing something else, Lexa?" Clarke asks, cocking an eyebrow. Clarke knows that she's in control of the situation. Nothing Lexa could say or do would change her mind now. 

 

 _God, just let me touch you._ Lexa thinks, but she knows that Clarke would never let her have her way if she straight up demanded. Well, _asked_. Considering that Lexa wasn't going to demand anything from Clarke. Not when her hands are pinned above her head, and Clarke's challenging her to give in. 

 

"I, uh, I'm starting to get hot. It's not fair that you get to take your clothes off," Lexa tells Clarke, lifting her hips to meet Clarke's, missing the friction. Clarke lets go of one of her wrists, her hand trailing down Lexa's body. She tugs at the collar of Lexa's shirt. She stops at Lexa's breast, palming it through her shirt gently (it's nothing close to the skin to skin contact Lexa was hoping for but its more than enough to make her moan), before resting on her hip and pushing it back down. 

 

"I wouldn't do that again if I were you," Clarke teases, leaning forward, kissing Lexa briefly, tugging on her lower lip. "Unless you want me to stop."

 

"You already did." Lexa groans, closing her eyes as she presses her head into the pillow, exposing her neck, and tender kisses follow. Lexa knows that her neck is already littered in bruises, thanks to Clarke, but this time  Clarke's lips drag across her skin, and Lexa buries her hand in golden hair as Clarke presses a kiss to her collarbone. 

 

"I think it's only fair." Clarke mumbles against her collarbone, and Lexa hums in agreement as Clarke lets go of Lexa's other wrist, and Lexa sits up as Clarke leans back, pulling Lexa's sweatshirt over her head. Clarke throws it haphazardly behind her, and Lexa reaches behind her back to undo her bra, but Clarke doesn't allow it to happen as she cups Lexa's breast under her bra, her thumb grazing her nipple.

 

Lexa was _really_ starting to hate Clarke. What was the point of keeping her bra on if Clarke was just going to touch her, anyways? 

 

Clarke probably only insisted on doing that since she knows that Lexa wouldn't complain. Lexa hates that Clarke's aware of this. (Not really, because she personally loves Clarke's fleeting touches and kisses, but she was never going to give that satisfaction to Clarke) 

 

Lexa's about to argue again, but instead she moans as Clarke squeezes her breast gently, before removing her hand from her bra. Clarke pauses again, and Lexa wants to kiss Clarke's bare neck, leave it covered in galaxies made by her mouth. She wanted to pull Clarke's jeans off and leave crescent shaped indents in the flesh. She wants Clarke to have reminders that she was there once she leaves in the morning. 

 

Lexa wants to press a kiss to Clarke's temple, run her fingers through her hair, tugging on it, but Lexa doesn't do any of those things. 

 

Clarke's hands have made their way around to her back, her nails taking up and down. Gently, Lexa can hardly feel them, and her eyes lock with Clarke's. Clarke's hands slow, and her warm fingertips are against Lexa's shoulder blades, scratching as they move down to unclasp Lexa's bra. The garment doesn't fall right away, and Clarke's breath is on Lexa's chest again as Clarke pushes the straps off Lexa's shoulders, tossing the garment somewhere. Lexa was still hot- she almost hated the way Clarke made her feel everything at once, even when she was still in jeans and her buttoned flannel. Clarke 

 

"I wish I could paint on your back again," Clarke mumbles, taking her bottom lip between her teeth. "Make it completely different than what I've done before." 

 

Lexa still hasn't told Clarke that she fell in love with one of her drawings and plans to get it on her spine. She still hasn't told Clarke about meeting the recruiter, or the ring sitting in her pocket. Lexa didn't want to think about any of those things, and attaches her lips to Clarke's chest. 

 

Clarke doesn't stop her; doesn't grab her hands and pin them above her head, instead she leans into Lexa's touch. Clarke arches her back, their breasts pressing together. Lexa bites at the soft skin, and Clarke groans, a string of words floating from her mouth. 

 

 

Lexa lets on if her hands travel to the waistband of Clarke's jeans. She taps Clarke's hipbone, deciding if she wants to tease Clarke or not. She slips her fingers pass the waistband of Clarke’s jeans, and Clarke’s breathing immediately picks up, and Lexa pulls her hand away. 

 

Clarke stares at her for a few quiet seconds, “Lexa, if y-”

 

Lexa easily pushes Clarke back, changing their position. There’s shock in Clarke’s eyes, and Lexa has to say she’s shocked herself- Clarke’s usually the one who takes control. “If I what?” Lexa whispers into Clarke’s ear, kissing the skin right below it, and Clarke groans in response. 

 

“Lexa, I just want you so bad. This isn’t fair.” Clarke begins kissing her neck after she speaks in a whisper. All of Lexa's resolve is lost in the darkness and quiet of her bed. She nearly pulls away, push herself up so Clarke can't reach her neck, but Lexa stays put. She presses another kiss behind Clarke's ear, then pulls away slightly, resting her finger over Clarke's mouth.

 

“You promise to be quiet?” Lexa softly laughs as she watches a large smile break through the darkness against her finger, followed by Clarke fervently nodding her head.

 

“Okay..” 

 

With that their lips lock together, and the same urgency that was present before returns. Lexa lies on top of Clarke, losing her hands in Clarke's golden hair as her lips are separated by Clarke probing tongue. Clarke's hands are tracing every dip and crevice of Lexa's back over her shirt, until she whines into Lexa's open mouth. Lexa takes the hint, and sits up straddling Clarke. She begins to slowly undo the buttons of her shirt, keeping eye contact with Clarke, watching as her blue eyes fill with lust. Clarke watches silently, with an expressionless face only given away by her hungry eyes, as Lexa slowly slides out of her shirt. Lexa is taken by surprise when Clarke shoots up quickly in a sitting position. Her lips find one of Lexa's breasts as a hand finds the other. Lexa does her best to reposition herself to remain straddling Clarke, as she feels Clarke tongue flicking and gliding over, causing her nipples to harden. She begins to believe Clarke would be content at just exploring and adoring Lexa chest for the night, as she shows no signs of stopping any time soon, however, Lexa is scared that she will break her own quiet rule if this doesn’t let up. 

 

She uses both of her hands to cup Clarke's face, and slowly guides Clarke back to lying down beneath her.

 

“Don’t be greedy,” Lexa whispers, as she begins unbuttoning Clarke's jeans slowly. Lexa sees how deeply Clarke's chest rises and falls with each breath she takes, as she lifts her head up watching Lexa hands undo her button. Clarke sits up on her elbows as Lexa guides her out of her jeans. Even in the darkness of the room, Lexa can see Clarke's body, practically illuminating beauty. As lightly and slowly as possible, she glides her fingers up and down the Clarke's abdomen and chest, watching as goosebumps arise wherever her fingers have just left. After minutes of this, Clarke lets out a quiet and impatient moan, convincing Lexa to bring both her hands to Clarke's breasts. She begins to gently massage as she lowers herself on top of her to begin kissing and licking collarbones and neck.

 

Clarke her back upwards towards Lexa, showing her appreciation for what Lexa is doing. Lexa begins trailing her kisses lower and lower until her lips have found Clarke's chest. She covers her breasts in sloppy kisses while still massaging with her hands.

 

Lexa lifts her face up to look at Clarke, who is breathing even deeper than before with her mouth slightly open. “Okay, you are going to be quiet?” Lexa whispers, slowly moving her hands down Clarke's body, taking in the curves of her hips and waist as she does. Clarke lazily shakes her head in promise, seemingly hypnotized by Lexa's face looking at her through darkness.

 

Lexa slides her hands under the waistband of Clarke's panties and then sits up to slide them off of her. Once the clothing has been discarded beside them, Lexa resumes her past position of straddling Clarke and leaning down so her mouth finds her chest. Clarke's hands find the back of Lexa's head, and begin to tangle themselves while pressing slightly so Lexa is more firmly against her.

 

Lexa runs a hand down Clarke's  body and quickly places it between her legs, causing Clarke to gasp, as she wasn’t expecting the contact. Lexa mumbles against Clarke's body before trailing off, as she begins going lower with her kisses. Lexa felt powerful, seeing and feeling how badly her girlfriend wants her. It is often the other way around, Lexa is rarely the one in control in bed.

 

Clarke gets frustrated with Lexa's slow meandering pace down her body, and pushes the top of Lexa head downward, to quicken her kisses.

 

Lexa has finally moved down the bed enough to position herself in between Clarke's legs. In anticipation of the moment of Lexa mouth meeting her center, Clarke bends both her legs towards herself and spreads them open wider, while sitting up against the headboard of the bed in order to better see Lexa do her work.

 

Lexa begins grazing Clarke's inner thighs with her lips, occasionally letting her tongue peak out of her mouth and glide over Clarke's chilled skin as well. Lexa begins planting kisses dangerously close to where Clarke wants her to be, while looking upwards towards the model. 

 

“Remember, quiet..” Lexa says in the quietest of whispers, before diving into Clarke's warmth with her tongue. Clarke's legs begin to squirm and she grabs onto Lexa's hair, desperate to find anything to grip onto. She arches her back, feeling Lexa'a tongue flatten against her entirely, before pointedly finding her clitoris. Clarke mouth is open in a silent moan, knowing it is imperative to be quiet in case Lexa decides to stop. 

 

However, when Lexa begins gripping Clarke's thighs as tightly as Clarke is gripping her hair, a moan escapes from the model’s mouth. Lexa breaks away from Clarke and rests her lips, unmoving, on a shaking inner thigh. Clarke sees Lexa's green eyes staring at her out of the side, and knows Lexa has stopped because of the noise Clarke had made.

 

“Please, don’t stop.” Clarke says in a strained whisper, having no idea how to deal with the frustration that is coursing through her veins.

 

“Quiet?” Lexa asks, while slowly repositioning herself.

 

“I don't see why I have to be!” Clarke argues.

 

"If someone realizes we're here, they're gonna think we're just screwing around a-”

 

"Well, that's what we're doing." Clarke groans in response, reaching for Lexa's head to push down once more.

 

Clarke's turns her head to the side and bites down on a pillow, as she feels Lexa's tongue explore all of her folds. Her whole body has been overcome with tremors at Lexa's touch. Clarke is convinced she will crack her teeth if she continues biting down as tightly as she is on a corner of pillowcase, and she has to remind herself to inhale and exhale as Lexa's ceaseless tongue continues on with exploration, engulfing Clarke in waves of pleasure. 

 

Clarke is unprepared for the finger that is inserted into her and lets out a moan once more. Lexa takes her mouth away and stares upward at Clarke, however, leaving her finger inside of Clarke, unmoving.

 

Clarke lets out an urgent, but quieter moan, of annoyance and frustrated need.

“That’s not quiet,” Lexa whispers, as she slowly begins sliding her finger out.

 

“No! Please.. please..” Clarke says, growing quieter and quieter with each word.

Thankfully, Lexa slides her finger in deeper and crashes her tongue against Clarke once more. With the combination of Lexa's curled finger, Clarke realized how close she was to coming undone.

 

“Lexa..I’m close,” Clarke gasped, not able to stay quiet. Lexa did not lift her head this time, (Clarke's sure she would've either kill Lexa or just finish the job herself if Lexa did) feeling Clarke's anticipation against her mouth.

 

Clarke let out a moan that she had no ability to keep quiet, as she arches her back, feeling wave after wave of ecstasy wash over her. Lexa stops then, and crawls upward over Clarke.

 

Lexa admires the beauty of Clarke, as she pants causing each rise and fall of her chest to be more pronounced than ever, with a sheen of sweat covering her, creating a soft radiating effect. Her body is wracked with tremors, as she recovers from Lexa's pleasure. Lexa leans down and places her lips on the side of Clarke’s lips.

 

“That wasn’t quiet,” Lexa whispers, breathing into Clarke's mouth.

 

“I’m sorry.” Clarke breathes, wrapping herself around Lexa, needing to hold onto something as her heartbeat begins to slow back to normal. Lexa chuckles at that, pressing her lips to Clarke’s neck again. 

 

“It’s okay.”  Lexa had almost forgotten how it was like to be with Clarke like this. She almost hated it. Clarke mumbles something, and Lexa just nods, wanting to focus on Clarke. She didn’t want to talk much. 

 

It’s only a few moments later when Clarke’s kissing her shoulder blades, and Lexa completely forgets about everything that has happened today, completely content with Clarke. 

 

* * *

       

Clarke is so soft against her. Her shoulders move gently as she breathes, golden hair spilling over the pillow, over her. Lexa tightens her arm around Clarke’s naked waist and buries her nose into the back of her neck, imprinting the sleep-warm moment into her mind with as much accuracy as possible. When they have to separate again, Lexa wants to keep this memory with her forever. 

 

Lexa should get up and get dressed, before anybody realizes that she’s missing. She should’ve left hours ago, but the idea of leaving Clarke pained her more than it should have. Lexa didn’t want to leave Clarke. But she knows she has to, and she’s not sure if she’ll be able to bring herself to get up. 

 

“Are you gonna spend the morning staring at me?” Clarke whispers, and Lexa just smiles, resting her head against the pillow again as Clarke’s hand finds her wrist. 

 

“If I want to.” Lexa replies, kissing Clarke’s temple. 

 

Lexa’s happy. She tries not to think about it too much, sensing that Clarke was going to change the topic quickly. Clarke always talked about the things they needed to, and Lexa hated it. 

 

“You’ll have to leave soon.” Clarke murmurs. 

 

“Shhh. I’m staying here.” 

 

“For now.” 

 

“Only for you, Clarke.” 

 

Clarke doesn’t reply to that, and Lexa closes her eyes, for a few moments, until she remembers about her pants that lie a few feet away. When she sits up, Clarke looks at her confused, but Lexa ignores it as she grabs her jeans. 

 

“Lexa, what are you doing?” 

 

Lexa ignores her as she empties out the pockets, pulling out the ring. She closes it in her hand. Clarke was going to think she was crazy. Maybe Lexa was crazy, but  Lexa was okay with that. She honestly didn’t care what Clarke would think, because after everything they’ve been together, she knows that Clarke loves her. It was as simple as that. 

 

“Okay, so, I, uh… Promise me you won’t freak?” 

 

Clarke stares at her, her mouth slightly open. Lexa knows the look too well, knowing that Clarke wasn’t sure of what she wanted to do, but Clarke eventually nods. Lexa sighs, and opens her hand, revealing the ring siting in her palm. Clarke’s reaction is immediate. 

 

“Lexa, what the hell?! We’re only eighteen, holy shit, I knew you were crazy, but, god, w-”

 

“Oh, shut up. I’m not _that_ stupid,” Lexa tells her, and Clarke sighs, waiting for her to explain. “Obviously, we’re still teenagers and getting married would be stupid and reckless, which is why I am _not_ suggesting it. It’s a promise ring, Clarke. I… I know it sounds stupid, and you don't have to wear it, it’s just…” Lexa thinks back to her call with Jackson, how she was going to be actually gone in a few months. Even if that was just for the training, Jackson had told her that getting deployed would happen faster than she thought, and that was only if she managed to get through training. “I love you. And I just wanted you to remember that. Even when we’re in college and there’s thousands of miles between us, I want you to remember that. Even if we break up in two years. I’ll always care about you. You’re one the first person I really ever loved. Don’t forget that, okay?” 

 

“Lexa, I… Are you okay?” Clarke asks, and Lexa sighs again. “Look, Lex, I’m flattered and all, but you’re acting like we’ll never see each other again.” 

 

Lexa pinches the bridge of her nose. She should tell Clarke before it happens, but she can’t do that. Not when she’s not sure of what will happen. “You know what? Forget it, Clarke.” Lexa mumbles, throwing the sheets back as she picks up her bra and shirt. 

 

“Wha- Lexa! That’s not what I meant! What are you doing? C’mon, Lexa, just stay here for a few more minutes. I’m sorry. I’ll take it.” Lexa shrugs as she pulls her shirt over her head, looking for her sneakers and socks. Clarke’s watching her, and she tries her best to ignore it. 

 

Clarke grabs her wrist as Lexa reaches for her shoes, deciding that she could live without wearing socks with them for once. “Lexa,” Clarke murmurs, pressing a kiss to her jaw. “Just talk to me. Something’s bothering you.” 

 

“Nothing’s wrong, Clarke. Other than the fact that I might be labeled as a-”

 

“You know that’s not going to happen,” Clarke insists. “I won’t let it. Now can you please tell me what’s really bothering you?” 

 

 

Lexa bites her lip, finally letting her eyes meet Clarke’s. Clarke’s begging her to trust her, and the feeling of guilt grows in Lexa’s chest as she debates on if she should shrug it off. It’s Clarke. Clarke’s the only person who knows all of her secrets, the only person who knows her better than herself. Clarke would figure out what’s bothering her sooner of later. Clarke always does that. 

 

“I, uh, I’m leaving in September.” 

 

“What? Why? For what?” 

 

“Boot camp. For the Seals.” Lexa mumbles, avoiding Clarke’s gaze, filled with disbelief and betrayal. 

 

“So you’re leaving for a death wish?” Clarke’s anger is quickly growing, and Lexa almost regrets telling her. 

 

“I not going to die. It’s just boot camp, Clarke.” 

 

“And then what? Months of deployment. For years, Lexa. Lexa, you’ve never even held a gun in your life! How stupid can you be?” 

 

Lexa doesn't answer. It’s not the first time her and Clarke have gotten into a fight. Lexa’s usually able to respond, and they end up hashing it out, but this time, Lexa keeps her mouth shut. She stands there quietly, her shoulders rolled forward, her hands shoved in her pockets. She hoping that the smaller she makes herself, Clarke will clam down. Clarke doesn’t. 

 

 

She hates how Clarke looks at her. She hates how Clarke’s not actually saying anything her mind- Lexa can tell, because Clarke stops suddenly, glaring at her. Lexa can’t necessarily say she regrets it. Clarke deserved to know. But she honestly had expected Clarke to react differently. And as she can see Clarke’s anger growing, the more Lexa wants to leave. 

 

Lexa can’t explain what she’s feeling. All she knows that she wanted to leave without looking back at Clarke, and when she does leave, she won’t be leaving to go back to her group home. She just wants to leave. That’s all there is to it. 

 

They’re quiet for a few moments, and Lexa runs her fingers through her hair. She would lean over and kiss Clarke’s cheek, just to say goodbye, but she feels that she would be stepping over the line. Clarke is mad at her- and there’s no way of telling when she’ll forgive Lexa. 

 

Clarke lets Lexa kiss her cheek anyways, but she doesn’t say anything else as Lexa puts her shoes on, and when Lexa starts down the ladder with Clarke’s sketchbook tucked underneath her shirt, Clarke doesn't stop her, or follow her, and Lexa doesn’t pause for a few seconds when her feet hit the ground to allow herself to debate if she should go back up or not. 

 

After everything, Lexa almost finds it funny that this will most likely be their last time together. 

 

 

* * *

Lexa doesn't go back to her group home. Instead, she walks to the small tattoo shop near the ice cream parlor Aden had shown her. They have just opened by the time she gets their, and she can see one of the men cleaning his needles through the window. Looking at the sign that says, _Walk-ins welcome_ , Lexa takes a deep breath before opening the door.  

The man smiles when he notices her, “You’re in early for a walk in.” 

 

Lexa shrugs, “The earlier, the better, right?” 

 

“Do you just want to look today, or do you already know what you want?” 

 

Lexa flips open Clarke’s sketchbook, to the drawing that Clarke had showed her last night. “Can you do that?”

 

The man laughs, taking it out of her hands, studying it. Lexa wants to tell him to be careful, but he hands it back to her quickly, “Hell, yeah, I can. It’ll take a while, though. Where do you want it?” 

 

“My back.” 

 

He leans back in his chair, looking at her, “Have you ever gotten a tattoo before?” Lexa shakes her head, and he laughs again. “And you’re sure you want it on your back? If you get it on your spine, it’s gonna hurt like a moth-” 

 

“I’m sure. I’ll be able to handle it, I promise.” 

 

 

An hour later. Lexa’s laying on her stomach on one of the tables, and listening to some crappy song as she watches Mike dip his needle in black ink. After a few short moments, there’s a sharp pain that quickly disappears, and Mike rolls into her line of vision. “That doesn't hurt?” 

 

“Not really.” Lexa replies with a shrug.

 

“Huh. Most are crying by now.” 

 

Lexa laughs, “I’m not like most people.” 

 

Lexa lied. She wasn’t embarrassed to admit that she shed a few tears once Mike starts to press the needle to her skin again. Later, when she shows back up at her group home, Adelaide is standing there, waiting for her. Lexa can see Aden through the window, watching their interaction. 

 

“You don’t care about what happens to you, do you?” 

 

“As long as you don’t hurt her,” Lexa glances over at Aden, who waves at her unsurely. “Or Aden.” 

 

Adelaide nods, “You’re an idiot, Lexa.” 

 

Lexa almost smiles at that. Her back was sore, and she was supposed to be packing her bag, so she could leave by the end of the month, and she missed Clarke. “I guess I am.” 

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

When Clarke walks through the hospital doors, she didn’t expect to feel so upset. The call from her mom was short- but long enough for her to know that her dad was okay. She was a bit upset that her dad was even in the hospital, but at least he was okay. Maybe it was because Lexa had left her alone. Clarke hated herself for being so shallow- Lexa was clearly upset about the whole thing, even before she showed Clarke the ring. 

 

Clarke was starting to hate herself. Ten minutes after Lexa left, Clarke had decided to call her- and Lexa didn’t answer. Clarke sure she called more than ten times, before deciding to just leave a message. 

 

Then her mom called her and told her that her dad was in the hospital. Her mom didn’t say anything other than him being okay, and honestly, that’s all Clarke needed to hear before she got in the car. 

 

The front desk lets her through, recognizing her as Abby’s daughter, telling her the room Jake’s in. She opens the door quietly, and sees that her parents are arguing, or were, until she came in. 

 

“Hey, Clarke.” Her dad says with a smile, and she smiles back, looking at her mom. She looks like she hasn’t gotten sleep in days. With the way she looks between her anther dad, Clarke knows that they’re hiding something. 

 

“What happened? You’re okay?” 

 

 

“Just hit my head at work, that’s all.” Jake tells her, shaking off her concern. “I’ll be fine. After they say I’m good to go.” 

 

“I ordered for a MRI.” 

 

Clarke looks at her mom, “What? Why? MRI’s are for brain tu-”

 

“We need to see if he has any, he had a seizure, Clarke.”

 

Clarke shakes her head, looking at Jake, ignoring her mom. Her father was always more honest with her, “Are you gonna tell me the truth?” She asks, sitting down in the chair next to his bed. “You’ve been acting weird lately. So had mom. Why can’t I know?” 

 

Jake avoids her gaze. Her mom rests her hand on her shoulder, telling her something that she ignores. She waits patiently, hoping that Jake would tell her, even when she knows it’s unlikely. She doubts he would tell her. Unless something changes. 

 

“I’ve got a tumor in my brain, so, there’s that.” He says with a smile, “But don’t worry, I’m not gonna go crazy and cook meth.” 

 

Clarke rolls her eyes at his comment. She never understood why her father was obsessed with Breaking Bad. She always ended up watching it with him and Lexa anyways. “Are you not going to do anything about it, is that why mom’s mad at you? I know chemo can’t reach the brain, but you’re gonna get surgery, right?” 

 

“I, uh, I think you should let me and your mom talk about that. Don’t worry about me, Clarke.”

 

Clarke knows exactly what that means, “So your not going to do it? What about Lexa? She has to know. You can’t just keep this away from her, sh-” 

 

Clarke stops suddenly, thinking about what Lexa had told her. In a few months, it was possible that Lexa was going to be deployed. And in those few months, her dad was going to be getting sicker, and Lexa won’t have a clue about it. “You have to tell her.” Clarke whispers. 

 

Neither Jake or Abby say anything, and Clarke grabs her sweatshirt as she leaves them alone again, and when Abby calls after her, she waves her away. Clarke didn't feel like talking to anyone. Not even Lexa, who she always missed whenever she left.


	11. YOUTH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm sorry it took me so long to update, I've been really busy and got some writers block. Made this chapter extra long, so I hope you guys enjoy it!

_Mortal bodies, timeless souls_

 

 

“You can’t do that!” Clarke shouts as the door slams shut behind Lexa’s social worker. She was fuming. She had to find out that her parents reversed Lexa’s adoption from a pathetic social worker, who had only showed up that day to let them know that the reversion was final. Lexa wasn’t going to have to go to court. She wouldn’t be able to come home, either. Her 18th birthday was nearing, and Lexa was going to grow out of the benefits the foster care offers. “What is Lexa going to do? You can’t just gi-” 

 

“Clarke,” Jake holds up his hand in a small attempt to calm Clarke down. Clarke couldn’t be calm. She had never wanted to be the reason why Lexa couldn’t have the family she wanted, but that’s all she was. Clarke had ruined everything for Lexa, anyways. Clarke hated how fast time had gone by- Lexa has been in a group home for almost two years. “It was the best option, with the information we were given. We didn’t like it, b-”

 

“Then why’d you do it? Why didn’t you tell me? Did you really think I wouldn’t have managed to find out?” 

 

“No. We just wanted to be sure that it was finalized before we told you. There wouldn’t have been a point in telling you if it ended up being a lie.” 

 

“You said you were gonna help her. The last time I checked, abandoning someone isn’t helping them. Her birthday is in a few weeks, dad. You know what’ll happen when she turns eighteen, right?” 

 

Jake stares at her. “Clarke. Family isn’t just until you’re eighteen. Lexa knows that. Whatever happens when Lexa turns eighteen is what happens. She’s been in the group home for what, two years now? She’ll be able to leave. If she decides to come back here, she’s more than welcome.” 

 

Clarke doesn't answer, looking at her shoes. Her dad wasn’t wrong- whatever happens is what happens, and she should accept that. But it’s Lexa, one of the most important people to her, and she can’t let that go. 

 

Everything had panned out the complete opposite of what Clarke had hoped. Her and Lexa have only seen each other on a few occasions in the two years Lexa has been at her group home. Anya had refused to go to college, insisting that she wants to stay home for another year. Her parents were arguing almost constantly and Clarke has yet to find out why. 

 

“And if she doesn’t?” Clarke finally asks. 

 

“Then she doesn’t, Clarke.” 

 

The knock at the door is abrupt, cutting off Clarke’s response. Jake sighs, and Clarke does her best to swallow her anger as she opens the door. Jake runs his fingers through his hair nervously as her mom appears at his shoulder, probably wanting to see what the commotion was about. 

 

Clarke opens the door a crack, getting ready to tell Raven or Octavia that now is a bad time, but they never knocked anyways, so she’s not sure who’s knocking at their door at two in the afternoon on a Sunday. 

 

The woman at their porch is enough to make Clarke snap. She was too angry to deal with her. Clarke recognizes the woman standing in front of her immediately, even though she has never met her in person. Until now. Clarke had spent years hating her for what she had done to Lexa. Clarke never knew who was Lexa’s birth mother, until a few months ago, before Clarke had learned that Jake and Abby had reversed Lexa’s adoption. She knows that her own mom will recognizes her, too. Abby and her had grown to have the same hatred for Lexa’s mom. 

 

“Clarke? Who’s at the door?” Her mother asks, and Clarke nearly slams the door in Lexa mother’s face. She should do that. Lexa’s mom was supposed to be one of the people who loved Lexa more than anything, and she didn’t. Instead, she left Lexa to fend for herself. Clarke studies the woman in front of her quickly. Her shoulders have a permanent hunch, she refuses to look at Clarke, looking at the ground nervously. Her hands shake. Clarke should leave her standing on their front porch. Clarke doesn’t want anything to do with Lexa’s mom. She didn’t want anything to do with the people who have hurt Lexa. Clarke never looked at herself in the mirror anymore. In the end, she had ended up hurting Lexa the most. 

 

“Uh, mom?” Clarke replies, “I think there’s someone you want to meet.” Clarke decides that she should let her mom handle this. It would be the safest bet. After everything, her mom managed to remain calm and collected. Clarke can tell that her mom is just as angry as she is, but she’s refused to let it get the best of her. 

 

Her mom appears at the end of the hall, her face emotionless as she looks over Clarke’s shoulder. Clarke can see the recognition in her mom’s eyes as she gives Clarke a small nod, “Let her in, Clarke.” 

 

Her dad looks confused, grabbing Clarke’s arm as she steps aside to let the woman by, “Who’s here, Clarke?” He asks quietly. Today has been one of his worst days, running into everything and asking Clarke for help. Clarke wanted tot yell at him to get the procedure done. 

 

“Lexa’s birth mom.” Clarke whispers back, feeling guilty as she says it. Her mom has been polite- asking her if she wants to sit down and needs a drink. Clarke leads Jake to the couch as Lexa’s mother shakes her head no, still not able to meet any of their gazes. 

 

“I-” Clarke and Lexa’s mom start at the same time, and Clarke immediately apologizes to her. The least she could do was let her talk. She knows that if Lexa was here, she would have listened to hear what she had to say- until she decided it was enough. 

 

Clarke sits with her hands in her lap. 

 

“I just wanted to thank you, for taking care of Lexa. It means a lot. It really does.” 

 

“What would you have done if we didn't find her, let some asshole take care of her?” Clarke asks. “Just let her fend for herself?” 

 

“I couldn’t do it. One day it was just too much.” 

 

Clarke has to bite the inside of her cheek to keep herself from saying anything. She didn’t feel like having her mother yell at her, or listen to Lexa’s mothers sob story, so she excuses herself and goes upstairs quietly. Raven calls her, asking her if she wanted to go out with her and Anya, which Clarke denies. She just wanted Lexa to be back here. She knows that Lexa was only going through the training- but she was still filled with the feeling that Lexa would get hurt, and she wouldn’t know.  

 

Her phone rings again, this time it’s Anya calling her. Clarke sighs, picking it up.

 

“Hey, Clarke,” Anya says immediately, sounding a bit more cheerful than usual- probably due to the sound of Raven bickering with someone in the background. Clarke assumed it was with Octavia, until she heard a small, “Hey, that’s _the_ Clarke?” 

 

“Ugh, Aden! You split water all over the- whatever. Just clean it up!” Anya says loudly, momentarily forgetting about Clarke. Clarke knew that Aden was the kid Anya had started tutoring this school year- and Clarke could never remember why his name sounded so familiar whenever Anya bought him up. 

 

“Sorry about that, I swear Aden and Raven together are impossible to handle,” Anya tells her, and Clarke laughs at that. Her and Lexa always though that Anya and Raven together were impossible to handle. “Anyways, I think you should meet Aden, he’s a cool dude. Perhaps my most favorite dude.” 

 

“I don’t know, Anya…” Clarke trails off, deciding that she would be in the wrong to tell Anya that Lexa’s mom was sitting in her living room, talking to her parents. “Now’s not the best time.”  

 

“Clarke, what’s wrong? Did something happen to Jake?” 

 

“What? No! My dad is doing better this week, actually,” Clarke tells her, which isn't a complete lie. His tumor had stayed the same size for the past month, which for Clarke and her mother, was good news. Because if then it meant they could have more time to get him to change his mind. “It’s nothing. I’m just a bit distracted today, that’s all.” 

 

Anya’s voice is deadly when she responds, “She’s at your house isn't she?”

 

“Who?” 

 

“God damn it, I fucking told her to leave you guys alone, she’s just trying to find a way to see Lexa and A-”

 

“She visited you, too?” Clarke asks, surprised. It did make sense, though. She knew through Lexa’s social worker that they documented every family Lexa lived with. Which was only with her and Anya’s. So, if Lexa’s mom was trying to see Lexa again, it’d only make sense for her to try to talk to Anya as well.

 

“Clarke, just come meet me and Raven, alright? And Aden. You’ll like him, I promise.” 

 

Thirty minutes later, after passing through the living room with a short, awkward conversation with Lexa’s mother, Clarke’s sitting in a booth at an Ice-Cream parlor next to Raven while Anya and Aden order something. Aden looks back at her, and Clarke gives him a wave. He returns it, then says something to Anya. 

 

Anya rolls her eyes at him, handing him a cup of ice-cream, and sits down at the booth, “Clarke, this is Aden.” Anya tells her, and Clarke nods in acknowledgement, taking a sip of her lemonade. “Lexa’s half-brother.” Anya goes on. 

 

Clarke chokes on her lemonade, looking at Aden again. He’s a tall scrawny kid with a mop of blonde hair on his head. She knew that Lexa had a half-brother, thanks to Lexa’s social worker, but she had expected that they would look more alike. She clears her throat, realizing that she was staring. “I- Well, It’s nice to meet you, Aden.” 

 

“Aden, this is Clarke, Lex-”

 

“Lexa’s girlfriend, I know. Lexa talked about you a few times.” 

 

“I wouldn’t be surprised, Lexa always talks about Clarke. It’s annoying.”

 

“You always talk about Raven, it’s annoying.” Clarke counters back as Raven smirks, while Anya’s cheeks grow red. 

“Of course she always talks about me, I’m amazing.” 

 

“Alright, whatever,” Anya says, ignoring her girlfriend’s comment, “We’re not here to talk about our girlfriends. Unfortunately.” Anya adds on once she realizes that Raven’s pouting. “Aden’s making this app to help other foster kids find homes, and get adopted, even.”

 

“Anya, you know I can’t do stuff like that. I’m lame.” Clarke felt bad for shooting down the idea so fast, but honestly she couldn’t see how she could possibly help. Besides, she’s sure that Raven and Anya probably helped him make the entire thing already. “It sounds great and everything, bu-”

 

“Just bounce some ideas around with him. See what would work and what wouldn’t. Pretend its an art project or something.” Anya urges. 

 

Raven leans over to take a sip of Clarke’s lemonade. Clarke rolls her eyes and sighs. “Hey, you know Lexa would be happy to know that her brother and girlfriend get along.” Raven says, “And we’re not letting you be cooped up in your room after school all the time.” 

 

“But my da-”

 

“Clarke. Your dad doesn't count, as much as I hate to say that. He’s always in the garage, anyways. And you’re in your room. Doesn't count.” 

 

“Fine. I’ll help.” Clarke decides on, and the smile on Aden’s face makes it worth it. 

 

“Alright, then. It’s settled. I have to take Aden back to the group home. I promised them he’d be home before dinner.” Clarke watches as Anya and Aden leave. Raven stays behind, giving her a concerned look. 

 

“How’s everything with you?” Raven asks her, and Clarke lets out an annoyed sigh. 

 

“Nothing. Everything’s fine.” 

 

“C’mon, I know that look. You’re mad about something,” Raven presses. “And I know that you rather talk to Lexa about it, but Anya and I are here, too.” 

 

“I know.” 

 

“Then what’s wrong?” 

 

“My dad is still being an idiot, and Lexa’s mom showed up at our house. I mean, who does that?”

 

Raven doesn’t respond right away, thinking through everything, “I think she just wants to say sorry. She knows she can’t get Lexa back, anyways. And your dad’ll end up getting the surgery. Trust me, he’ll end up changing his mind.” 

 

“It’s not going to matter when they can’t take it out. He’s waiting too long to change his mind, Raven.” 

 

“No, he’s smarter than that. He’s just being stubborn.” 

 

Clarke nods. Raven seems so confident that Jake will change his mind, and she wishes that she could be sure of it. Some days, it seems like he’s going to cave in and admit that he wants the surgery, and other days, it seems like he wishes he was already dead. Her phone rings, and Raven lets her pick it up. 

 

“Hey, dad. Yeah, I’ll be home soon. Raven and Anya might come over, is that okay?” 

 

Raven nearly falls out of the booth as she gets out of the booth happily, grabbing Clarke’s arm. Clarke knows it’s because she wants to see what Jake’s been working on, and it upsets her that if anything were to happen to her dad, Raven would be just as upset.

 

* * *

 

Lexa un-shoulders her duffle bag nervously, and when it hits the floor loudly, the boy laying in the top bunk looks over the edge of his laptop. He looks at her with brown eyes, his brown hair cut short, and closes his laptop quietly, “They didn’t tell me my roommate was gonna be a girl.” He says, jumping off the top bunk, and gives her a crooked smile, “You must be tough as hell if they’re letting you do this.” 

 

Lexa shrugs. The boy holds out his hand. Lexa stares at it, then takes it. His smile never fades, “Training starts tomorrow,” He tells her, and Lexa almost gives him a sarcastic comment, but he’s already turning away from her, cleaning up some of the clothes he left on the floor, “And you’re the only girl.” 

 

Lexa rolls her eyes at that, “Get over it.” 

 

The boy shrugs, “I already am. I don’t know about some of the others.” 

 

Lexa just smirks at that, “They’ll regret it when they can’t make it through Hell Week.” 

 

The kid freezes, and looks at her, “Only three weeks until we have to get through it. You got any Seals in the family?” 

 

“No. Well, maybe, I’m not sure. I’m adopted,” She explains. “Maybe my birth parents were. I just did some studying before I came here.” 

 

He nods, still and still seems interested as she drops her bag underneath her bed. She finds out that his name is Tristan- and that his mother and father were both Seals, before they retired and he decided he wanted to do the same. After a while, he hooks up her laptop to the internet, explaining that they can still be in contact with their family, and Lexa doesn’t feel like explaining that she won’t need it, mostly because she’s convinced that Clarke doesn’t want anything to do with her. 

 

After a while, Tristan starts to tell her about the different phases of BUD/S training, and it made Lexa nervous as hell. But she was also excited- the idea of actually doing something, to be constantly moving, and the idea of making it through training to be useful excited her. Being nervous didn’t bother her. Lexa wishes she met Tristan during the first five weeks of pre-training.

 

Lexa almost felt guilty for being excited; Clarke and Aden sitting in the back of her mind, but she couldn’t explain why she was so excited to be spending the next six months training with complete strangers. In a way, she was starting over, and she was more than happy for that. 

 

The next morning, she’s woken up at exactly 4:30 and is getting yelled at by Instructor Shoulin. Tristan gives her a goofy, lopsided smile as he ties his boots up and mouths, weeks one and two. Six miles per week. Arms are gonna be killed. Lexa rolls her eyes as he playfully flexes. He explained the schedule to her last night. She wasn’t worried- she’s excited. Almost like a kid on their first day of school, she’ll probably end up hating it later, but she doesn’t mind.  

 

Over the course of the first two weeks, Lexa never learned Instructor Shoulin’s first name. She doubts that she ever will. He’s a small guy, Norwegian, with ice blue eyes and an ice cold heart. He was all business. Of the four instructors, he had perhaps the least imposing appearance at least superficially—and appearances most definitely are deceiving. All of the instructors were incredibly tough on them, her and Tristan specifically, but if they were demons from hell, as far as she was concerned, Instructor Shoulin was Satan himself. She learned that Tristan didn’t finish all three phases of BUD/S training the last time he tried- not able to make it through hell week.

 

Tristan told her that she would learn more about Instructor Shoulin in time. Today, they were given Instructor Buchanan who gave them their initiation. Shirtless, cut like a jungle tiger, he stood on his four-foot podium looking down at them, ready to stomp them all, his vantage point ensuring that any weakness would be immediately identified and dealt with accordingly.

 

Then, it started. First evolution, as they call it, was grinder PT, and he truly brought the pain: two hours of grueling punishment.

 

“Push-ups! Are you ready?”

 

“Hooyah!” The entire group replied in unison. 

 

“One! Two! Three! Four!” Buchanan roared as he walked past her. His boots were shiny, and Lexa wonders how he got them so clean, especially after their run this morning. Her boots were still covered in mud and god knows what else he made them run in. 

 

After Buchanan passed a hundred, Lexa started to shake. Tristan next to her was starting to slow down, giving her a concerned look. Lexa knew better than to stop- she had saw what happened one of the other boys yesterday. Lexa refused to be embarrassed like that. She ignores Tristan, who mouths her something, and Buchanan walks past her again, this time slowing to a stop in front of her. She refuses to look up, staring at his boots as he continues to count. _Holy shit, I missed one, he’s gonna beat my ass._ Lexa thinks, And it’s only our third day. _God, I’m gonna be more pathetic than Atom. Poor guy still hasn’t gotten over it._

 

Buchanan doesn’t yell at her to stop. Instead, he walks away, moving on to inspect someone else as he shouts, “On your feet… On your back… Push-ups! Ready? Begin! One! Two! Flutter kicks, are you ready? One! Two! Three! … One hundred five! One hundred six! …”

 

From that very first PT session Lexa knew she immediately stood out as a weak link. She had kept falling behind in the cadence. All eight of her First Phase instructors were there to welcome them, and within minutes she had arrived at the very top of all their shit lists. It wasn’t just her physical condition. A lot- most of her classmates had come right from boot camp, or other training to prepare. Coming in as a fleet girl, Lexa had a bit of seniority—and Lexa learned quickly that they really don’t like guys with a regular-Navy mentality. It’s culture clash, and they give fleet guys a little bit of extra business. Mostly for show. 

 

Between Lexa’s physical shape and the attitude that she had shown during her very first day, she was the one out of two hundred who stood out like a dog with a pack of wolves. Small. Weak, compared to the rest in her class. With everyones last names neatly stenciled on their white shirts, they knew exactly who they all were, and all Lexa was hearing was their instructors shouting her name in conjunction with obscenities.

 

“Woods, you fucking piece of stinking dog shit! How the fuck did you make it through the door?! If you look up weakness in the dictionary, they have a picture of you next to the text!…” The first time one of the instructors had called her Woods, Lexa didn’t respond. She had thought they were yelling at someone else, that if they needed her they'd be shouting Griffin for as much as they needed. Until Lexa had stupidly remembered that she wasn’t legally a Griffin anymore, and that they were staring at her. Tristan tapped her on the shoulder. That night, they made her go to the nurse they have for a hearing test- after yelling in her ear for an hour. If her hearing test results were bad, it was their fault.

 

That day, Lexa had ignored all contact with her instructors the best she could, only doing the commands they had yelled to them. 

 

Lexa remembers hearing “Hit the surf zone!” multiple times. Hitting the surf zone involved running about five hundred yards out of the compound and down onto the beach, getting completely wet and sandy (and if the instructors found a dry spot, they were back down there immediately to do the job right), and then sprinting back to the grinder for more punishment. The ice cold Pacific ocean was actually a welcome break—but soon Lexa was shivering uncontrollably and had sand in places she never thought possible.

 

Off to the side of the grinder there was a podium that held a roster book in which she signed up for remedial PT training sessions if she were so instructed. At the end of that first session, she was so instructed. Lexa limped over to the podium and wrote her name in the book. Remedial PT was held every morning, which meant that each morning she would have to finish wolfing her breakfast earlier than everyone else and run back to start in on the remedial fitness training session and then join in on the regular evolutions with everyone else. Tristan ended up sneaking food into her room at night- which Lexa more than thankful for.

 

Their day started at 5:00 a.m. on the beach with grueling PT and from there on was a never-ending endurance contest of both flesh and will. By the second week her hands were shredded. She developed two calluses on her left hand and three on her right, all five of them soon ripped off with a half-inch of flesh exposed from doing those wet and sandy push-ups on the beach. When the class corpsman applied tincture benzoate to seal the wounds and prevent infection, it felt like someone was sticking a hot iron into each wound. She could barely stand up in the morning. Her arms were aching. Her body was in complete breakdown. 

 

It didn’t matter: they would still single her out. Lexa was marked. They have a saying in BUD/S training, “Don’t be that guy.” That guy is one the instructors pick on, the one who’s always on the receiving end of the worst punishment. Whatever she did, she did not want to be that _guy_. She wasn’t going to be that _guy_.

 

Lexa was _that guy._

 

The following two weeks were utter misery. Everyone in the class quickly came to know her by name, because it was the name our instructors typically called out to do an extra hundred push-ups before dismissing the class and allowing them to run across to the other side of the base for chow. It was humiliating, degrading, and painful. She would get up to forty-two! and suddenly hear, “Woods, you piece of shit! Start over!” 

 

While this was going on, the rest of the class was forced to remain in the lean and rest (that is, push-up) position and participate in her wretchedness. Lexa could hear the plaintive sounds of Class 215 pleading with her, “Woods, for Christ sakes, do a hundred good ones so we can get the hell out of here!”

 

It was terrible to see those guys suffer because she was so out of shape, compared to them, anyways. She quickly learned that as a team they are capable of great feats—but ultimately they are only as strong as their weakest link. Unfortunately, the weakest link in this case was her.

 

To the standard PT routines they had done in our entrance physical two thousand push-ups, one thousand flutter kicks, their instructors now added new punishments: a one-mile base swim in under seventy minutes, then another one-mile base swim in under fifty minutes, then a one-and-a-half mile ocean swim in under seventy-five minutes, working up to a two-mile ocean swim, which was the standard for the rest of BUD/S. A fifty-meter underwater swim. A four-mile timed run, in boots and pants on soft sand, in thirty-two minutes or less.

 

Those four-mile conditioning runs just about killed her. Since they were running five miles to and from breakfast, five more for lunch and five more for dinner, they were now running a total of nineteen miles a day. On the four-mile she kept ending up in the back of the pack, or the Goon Squad. Being in the Goon Squad meant that while everyone else was stretching, drinking water, and having a brief recoup, them few unfortunate dregs were getting destroyed doing bear crawls up and down the beach and push-ups in the surf. Day after day, she got Goon-Squaded every time, and sometimes, Tristian would fall back to join her. Soon she learned to push herself  so hard in that damn conditioning run that she would throw up as she ran. Eventually, she began just making the cut-off to keep herself out of the Goon Squad.

 

And then, of course, the dreaded O-course, in fifteen minutes or less.

 

Tristan had spent the first two weeks trying to help her for the O-course. The BUD/S training was already killing her. She hasn’t had her own thought since the moment she walked in that door. She couldn’t think she was fast enough, or if her pushups where good enough, or if she needed the PT sessions or not. All of those things were controlled by her instructors. If she showed a little bit of resistance, they would pick on her. After all, Lexa was that guy. She hated being that guy, so she quickly learned to keep her mouth shut and her head down, unless she was spoken too. 

 

Tristan spent hours explaining the BUD/S O course to her. The O-course was built for pain and suffering. Tristan looked tired just talking about it. The O-course was- is one of the best constructed obstacle courses in the world. Tristan gave her a sheet of what it consists of, and Lexa suddenly understood what the big deal was. She had to do twenty obstacles. In fifteen minutes or less. Suddenly, the pushups seemed like her best friend. 

 

“That’s what they want us to do tomorrow.” Tristan says with a crooked smile, “And then Hell week.” 

 

Lexa glances down at the paper, reading off the first few things. Parallel bars. Tires. Low wall and high wall. She could do those, no problem. If she put her head to it, she’d might be able to finish. But her body had been beat down and built up again several times in the past two weeks, her entire body ached even thinking about having to do it. She could do the low barbed-wire crawl. It was the only thing she did better than the rest of the class, besides the cargo net. Those were going to be a breeze for her. 

 

She stares at the rest of the list in Tristan’s sloppy handwriting, “I can’t do this,” She tells him, and he frowns, “Shoulin will kill me.” 

 

“He might not even be there tomorrow. Besides, you can do this. You’re gonna kick it’s ass. I overheard them talking. They don’t even think you’re not even the weakest one in the class.” 

 

“Great, that totally helps.” Lexa mutters as she sits on the edge of her bunk.

 

“Hey,” Tristan says, “My point is that you can do this.” He points at the paper, “You know how to do the walls and the bridge. You’re great at the vaults, and that’s last. You’re the best one at the rope transfer and the dirty name, c’mon, Woods! You’re gonna kick ass tomorrow. Just be careful on the weaver and the logs, and you’ll be good.” 

 

For the first few obstacles, she had no problem. Parallel bars, tires, low wall, high wall, barbed wire crawl. Lexa was doing great, or at least keeping up. The first obstacle that gave her trouble was the Weaver. It slowed her down, and by the time she got to the top of the Slide for Life she was whipped. Soon, she found herself hanging on for life by her legs, four stories up and upside-down. All her grip strength was gone and her hands were burning from the torn calluses. They've had guys drop off that rope and break arms and legs. In a last-ditch effort not to fall, she hooked both elbows over the top of the rope and attempted to recover some grip strength.

 

Within a few seconds Instructor Gillespie was screaming at her. “Woods, you big piece of shit!” (This was Instructor Gillespie’s habitual form of address for her.) “You have two seconds to let the fuck go of that rope with your fucking elbows, and you already used them up!” He ordered her to let go now and shimmy the hell down.

 

She unhooked her elbows and continued to hang upside-down by her legs, delaying the inevitable four-story fall. _“Oh shit,”_ She thought, _“this is going to hurt.”_ It was no doubt the most obvious, stupid thought she has ever had. A memory flashed through her mind of a gym class she had taken when she was a kid, when she had been taught the importance of knowing how to survive a fall. That memory, together with some dumb luck, saved her from getting too badly hurt. She let go, and a terrifying moment later she hit the ground like a sack of ready-mix concrete.

 

Her first thought was that if Clarke had saw, Clarke would be laughing her ass off, and then ask her if she was okay and help her up.

 

Her second thought was if she going to be labeled as the weak link again, letting out a small groan of pain. 

 

She laid there in pain for a few seconds. 

 

Instructor Gillespie walked over, in the corner of her sight, then kicked her in the stomach, and said, “Hey, you alright?”

 

“Hooyah, Instructor Gillespie,” She managed to wheeze out.

 

“Well then get your ass up and get going!” he yelled.

 

She got her ass up and got going. She didn’t even look back when he yelled her name again, telling her to hustle up. 

 

When she had finished, one of the guys in the class said, “God, man, we all saw you fall from that thing, and we thought you were finished!” But she wasn’t, at least not yet. Tristan high-fived her when they were told their times, and she still managed to be in the top five. Tristan was right behind her. 

 

Later that night, when they were given some free time after dinner, Lexa limped back to her room, and opened up her computer. She hasn’t used it since she gotten here, even though there was no rule against it. Tristan FaceTimed his family every Tuesday. She sighs, and closes her laptop again, grabbing her toothbrush and a towel to take a shower. She wanted to talk to Clarke. She should, but she couldn’t bring herself to do that. They didn’t break up. They didn’t even have a bad fight. They were just… Lexa wasn't even sure what happened between them. 

 

After her shower, she remembers how Aden had planned on creating an App, and she should make Raven or Anya help him, knowing that both of them have taken a computer science before. She opens her computer again, opening up FaceTime. Clarke’s name stares at her. Her mouse hovers over Aden’s name, debating on Clarke or Aden. 

 

Lexa clicks Clarke. 

 

After the first two rings and a black screen, Lexa almost hits end, but suddenly Clarke appears on her screen, laying in her bed, her blonde hair a mess and in a loose t-shirt that Lexa recognizes as one of her old soccer shirts. Clarke smiles, and Lexa lets out a breath she was holding, “Clarke.” Lexa hates how shaky her voice is. She hadn’t expected Clarke to pick up, especially when she remembered that it was nearly two in the morning. She thought that maybe Clarke didn’t want to talk to her, but Clarke smile widens and Lexa’s heart beats faster- she hasn't seen Clarke actually smile in such a long time. 

 

“Lexa,” Clarke says her name carefully, looking at her, voice still sleepy, “You look like absolute shit.” 

 

Lexa laughs at that, “Yeah, I guess I do.” 

 

The smile slides off of Clarke’s face and she frowns slightly, “I didn’t think you were going to call. Ever, really. Especially with the adoption…” 

 

Knowing Clarke, she has been has been beating herself up over it. Lexa shakes her head, “No. That’s not why, actually. I thought that maybe you wouldn’t want to talk to me. I… With leaving you and all. I-”

 

“It’s okay. I’m just glad that you called.” 

 

“I am, too.” Lexa says quietly, and after a few seconds of shifting, Clarke’s no longer in the screen. She’s telling Zeus to stop chewing something. “Hey, Clarke?” 

 

“I, uh, yeah?” Clarke’s voice is barely heard through her computer, and Lexa smiles at how her voice is still laced with sleep. It’s one of Lexa’s favorite ways of hearing Clarke- but she feels guilty knowing that she had woken her up. 

 

“I didn’t want to wake you up. You can go back to bed if you want.” 

 

“No, it’s okay. I won’t be able to fall back asleep, anyways.” Clarke is still out of the frame, and Lexa runs her fingers through her hair. 

 

“Can I see you?” Lexa says quietly. She hadn’t expected Clarke to hear her, but suddenly Clarke’s in her frame again, a small, tired smile. 

 

“Sorry.” Clarke says. 

 

“It’s okay. I… I just missed seeing you. I know I shouldn’t have left if I’m going to say that, but I do.” 

 

“I do, too.” Clarke whispers. Lexa wishes that she could grab Clarke’s hand and lean in to kiss her cheek. Clarke had become such a normal part of her routine, Lexa really wonders how she has even made it this far without her. “Do you remember the first night you stayed with us?” Clarke suddenly asks, and Lexa shakes her head. She remembers bits and pieces- but not enough to tell other people about it. Not that she ever would want to.

 

“I think that’s when I knew I loved you,” Clarke tells her. “I don’t believe in love at first sight, because lets be real. That’s bullshit, but you were there and you were just so… I don’t know. Even then I couldn’t believe that I never noticed you. I… You were so you. You were different and I was so mesmerized by you.” 

 

“We had the same teacher that year,” Lexa says, “You sat in the row next to mine, two seat ahead from me. I remember you drawing all the time. Each week it was a different thing. Our teacher caught you drawing dinosaurs.”  

 

Clarke smiles at that, and Lexa rests her elbows on the table. Her door opens, and Tristan comes in, a buttered roll in his mouth. He looks at Lexa, then at her computer, looking surprised. 

 

“I, uh, this is my roommate. Tristan,” Lexa says, looking back at Clarke, giving her an apologetic smile. “Tristan, Clarke.” 

 

“Huh, you never told me you knew any cute girls,” Tristan says, smiling at Clarke, “I’m Tristan. Maybe Lexa will formally introduce us one day."

 

Lexa scowls as Clarke says hello to Tristan politely, and Tristan pats her back, “It’s nice to see Lexa talk to someone. I was starting to think she was cutting herself off, which isn't very good.” Then he grabs a towel, and playfully salutes to them before leaving just as quietly as he came in. 

 

“He seems nice.” 

 

“Only when he wants to be,” Lexa says with a small laugh. “He’s an idiot is what he is.” 

 

“Oh,” Clarke says quietly, “How’s it been up there?” 

 

Lexa feels guilty about how happy she was to hear Clarke ask her that, but it doesn't stop her from telling Clarke about the training routine, how she hates Shoulin with a burning passion and mocks Gillespie whenever he yells at her. She even talks about how she had to join the PT group, which makes Clarke have her pause her story and ask her if she was okay. Tristan sneaks back in, and quickly disappears under the sheets on his bed. 

 

“When is training going to be over?” Clarke asks when Lexa’s done. 

 

“Training is six months. And that’s only if I make it through Hell Week,” Lexa explains, “So, January. If I don’t, I’ll be home sooner than that and finish school.”

 

“Just as long as you don’t get hurt,” Clarke tells her. 

 

“I’ll try my best.” 

 

Clarke gives her a small smile. Lexa missed seeing it. She missed it when Clarke was actually near her, and when Clarke closes her eyes for a few seconds, Lexa decides it’s time to let her go, “You’re tired. Goodnight, Clarke. I love you.” 

 

“I love you, too. G’night, Lex.” Clarke mumbles, and then hangs up. 

 

Lexa closes her laptop, and Tristan sits up in his bed, his hair sticking up in all directions, “So, about Cla-”

 

“She’s my girlfriend. Don't even think about it.” Lexa tells him, not bothering to see what else he has to say. He stares at her, and opens his mouth, probably to ask a stupid, annoying question, “Yes, romantically, dumbass.” 

 

He smiles at that, holding his hands up in surrender, “Hey, it was worth a shot.” 

 

Lexa rolls her eyes at that, and slips into her own bed. It’s quiet for a few moments, and then Tristan pipes up, “What? Am I not worthy of a goodnight from you?” 

 

“Goodnight, Tristan. I love you and I’ll see you in the morning. Is that good enough for you?” 

 

“Goodnight, Lexa. And I love me, too.”

 

“Dumbass.” Lexa grumbles.

 

“Hey! I heard that!”

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke hated to see her dad struggle. Over the course of one short month, with Lexa away for BUD/S training, Clarke was starting to realize how harsh she was with Lexa. With her parents. She couldn’t blame her dad for not wanting to get surgery. She couldn’t really blame him for not wanting to tell her, either. After all, it was his choice, and she wasn’t really one to talk about keeping secrets. She marked her calendar around the day in January Lexa would come home- which, if things progressed at the rate they have been for her father, she wasn’t going to have a father anymore. 

 

Her father was currently trying to help her mother make dinner- and Clarke wanted to help. He told her that he didn’t needed it; that he had it handled, and that she had homework to worry about anyways. He frowned when she told him that she never got homework during the first few weeks of school. It wasn’t a lie. All of her teachers haven’t done anything but in class assignments.  

 

Her mother was fine, moving around the kitchen easily as she was checking on the meatloaf in the oven and the green beans in the pot on the stove, and her dad was standing at the island, staring at the pot of potatoes. Their masher laid a few inches away from his hand, and it took all of Clarke’s willpower to not tell him where it was, or to gently prod him out of the way and do it herself. 

 

For him, some days, it was easier to see than others, and Clarke hated to see it. Her mother told her that most days were better than others because his tumor had started to shrink a little, but Clarke knew better than to get her hopes up. She’s seen it too many times when her mom had a little faith in a patient. Clarke couldn’t understand why her mother was a surgeon. Everyone around her was constantly dying. Other than the few people she managed to save. 

 

Her mother wasn’t a bad surgeon. Most people just went to her when it was too late. Clarke didn’t want her dad to be one of those people; who decide last minute they don’t want to die, or leave their family. Clarke didn’t understand why her dad refused to get the surgery done. They’ve known the Jaha’s their entire lives. Clarke hadn’t talked to Wells in a while, mostly due to their different schedules at school, but they were still good friends. Besides, not have they only known the Jaha’s her entire life, Wells dad, Thelonious Jaha was one of the best neurosurgeons in the state. Her dad was smart. But he was making a stupid, reckless choice. 

 

Clarke watches as he finally picks up the masher, holding onto the handle so tightly, Clarke can see his knuckles turn white from her spot at the table. In the corner of her mind, she processes that her mother is asking her about her day, and Clarke responds. She can see a ghost of a smile on her fathers lips at their conversation. She can tell he’s listening more to their conversation than focusing on the task he insisted he could do. They had him fitted for glasses, but her mom thinks they won’t be much use in a few weeks. Clarke hoped she was wrong, but she also knew better than that. 

 

When her mother turns around and sees that her father is still struggling, she glances in Clarke’s direction. They’re both thinking the same thing, but neither of them say anything. Clarke stays silently at her seat, staring at her plate as her mother manages to convince her father that he doesn’t need to help. She hears him sigh, but he doesn't argue. He mumbles an apology, and a few moments later, his chair is scrapping against the floor, and Zeus immediately sits on the floor next to him. It’s been Zeus’ new thing- mostly because her father is more accident prone at the table now. The mess was usually gone before they could clean it up. 

 

Tomorrow would be the weekend. Which would meant that Raven and Anya were going to come over to keep her company. Clarke still wishes that they didn’t insist that she needed to be with a friend at all times- in a year, they were all going to be attending different colleges. They were going to have to handle not checking in on her once a week. She didn’t argue with them, or kick them out of her house whenever they annoyed her too much, mostly because Jake liked their company. If her dad was going to accept his limited days without getting the surgery, Clarke wasn’t going to take away some of his happiness, not when it was him laughing at Raven’s jokes. No matter how ridiculous they are. 

 

Jake pats Zeus’ head, looking up in Clarke’s general direction, “He’s like a vulture now.” 

 

“If it meant I get meatloaf, I’d be doing the same thing.” Is Clarke’s response. It’s a bit cold- not angry or accusing, but she’s still upset with the news that her parents had reversed Lexa’s adoption. Jake picks it up instantly, despite the fact that Clarke had done her best to hide her annoyance. 

 

Jake lets out annoyed huff, and crosses his arms as he leans back in to his chair. “Clarke, I know you’re still upset over Lexa, but you will get over it. That’s all I have to say.” 

 

“I might, but is Lexa going to?” 

 

“Clarke, I know you want to fix this, but you’re not an adult. Lexa’s adoption is none of your business.” 

 

Jake looks right at her, waiting for her to say she understands. Abby looks at Clarke with a warning look over his shoulder, and Clarke runs her fingers over the fabric of her jeans, thinking through her next words carefully. Clarke and her parents were like ticking time bombs- only her parents were going to go off after she did. Their patience with her has quickly dwindled- and she couldn’t really blame them. But she was hurting for Lexa and the betrayal she must have felt. Clarke tries to come up with the best response. There weren’t enough words, not enough combinations that wouldn’t make her parents upset. 

 

“I’m not your little girl, anymore,” Clarke says slowly, wanting each word to be clear. “Lexa’s adoption is my business. She was supposed to be my sister. I bet you two were so thrilled to find out that I’m the reason why it got destroyed, too.” The sarcasm is heavy in her voice. She should have keep her mouth shut, talked to Raven or Anya before she even thought about talking to her parents about this, but she couldn’t. Lexa was away, probably getting herself killed. 

 

“Clarke…” Jake starts, and Clarke cuts him off. 

 

“You do know why, right? Foster siblings aren’t supposed to have romantic relationships, Dad. You act like she never got a restraining order, or nearly had to go to court for rape, Dad. It’s bec-”

 

“Okay,” Abby slams the pot of mashed potatoes in between them, startling both of them. They both look at her, and she refused to look at either of them, “I am tired of hearing you bicker like kids. Jake, you sit still and eat your dinner. Clarke, you’re going to your room after dinner. And yes, we’re both well informed on your relationship with Lexa. We’re not stupid.” 

 

Abby then sits down as if she didn’t just yell at the both of them, and loads their plates with food. Dinner is extremely quiet, other than the few scrapes of utensils against plates. There’s no small talk, or any glances at each other. Everybody stares at their plate, and Clarke regrets saying anything as she hears her dad struggle more than usual. 

 

Before Clarke gets up to put her dish in the dishwasher, Abby looks at her, “Were you talking to someone last night?” She asks innocently, and Clarke debates on telling her if Abby that she talked to Lexa or not. 

 

“Yeah. Lexa called me.” 

 

“Explains why you were up so late,” Abby says, “How is she?” 

 

Clarke immediately knows that Abby’s asking about how Lexa’s taking the new of her Adoption being reversed, “She’s doing okay with it. She looked tired, with the training and all.” Clarke tells her, remembering the dark circle underneath Lexa’s eyes, how she had seemed thinner than usual. “But she’s doing good. She seemed happy to be there."

 

Jake steps into their conversation then, “That’s Lexa for you,” He says, a smile on his face, “When she was younger, I’m surprised she never got in trouble for fighting. She was always happier when she felt like she was doing something. Like protecting you, Clarke. Remember when she pushed Finn?” 

 

Abby looks between the both of them, confused, “She pushed Finn?” 

 

“When we were like, eight, Mom, at Octavia’s birthday party. She pushed him. He pushed her back, and then Octavia’s older brother had to make her go home,” Clarke laughs, shaking her head, “Finn’s still afraid of her.” 

 

“You had a surgery that day, and apparently, he pushed her back and she cut her arm on some broken glass. I cleaned it and gave her some of the stitch slips, since I didn't want you to worry.” Jake explains. 

 

“So that’s where she got the scar on her arm?” 

 

Clarke nods, “Yeah. She’s got another one on her ankle from a soccer game at school. She wasn’t paying attention and cut it on the bottom of the bleachers and the next week, on the same bleachers, she punched a guy in the face. I’m sure she broke his nose.” 

 

“And neither one of us was informed of this?” Abby asks, and at the same time, Jake asks, “Was that before or after you two got together?” 

 

“Jake!” Abby looks at him, and Clarke stares at her plate for a few seconds before looking at him, and she can see that he’s truly curious. 

 

“Uh, a few days before, actually,” Clarke tells him, “She was still dating Anya. We got together the night of homecoming, actually.” It flows out too easily. Clarke loves her parents, they were two of her best friends, and she’s never talked to them about Lexa the way she had always wanted to. It feels funny, the way her parents look at her, but they’re not judging. Instead, they’re leaning closer like she’s telling them an interesting story, waiting for the next chapter. 

 

“That’s it? You two just decided that you liked each other and started dating on the night of homecoming?” Jake asks. 

 

“Oh, god, no. I was with Finn, trying to explain to him that I didn’t really want to be dating anyone at the time, and Anya and Lexa broke up. I should thank Anya, actually. She’s the reason why Lexa even talked to me that night. Lexa drove Octavia and Raven and Anya home. Then when we got home, I was about to go upstairs when she, uh, she kissed me.” 

 

Clarke doesn't tell them how she had told Lexa she wanted to kiss her when they were at the dance, or the way Lexa had looked at her in such a way that made Clarke wish she had realized she wanted to kiss her before. She doesn't tell them how Lexa had whispered, We can pretend for just tonight. Just you and I.

 

“And that’s it?” 

 

“Yeah, I guess, we never really went on dates, obviously. Except once after Christmas, she took me to see Gerhard Richter’s gallery. Then she said she was going to take me to New York the next year for new year.” 

 

“I have to say, Lexa’s better at the whole romance thing than me.” Jake says with a smile. 

 

Clarke looks away at that, thinking about how later that night her and Lexa where in her bed, talking about the things they had wanted. When Clarke asked her, Lexa just smiled and looked at her before murmuring, “You, Clarke. I thought that it was obvious.” And it was just Lexa telling her the truth, nothing sexual. Lexa then kissed her forehead and whispered something else that she couldn’t remember. 

 

“Lexa’s… She’s just Lexa.” Clarke knows that her parents have grown to care for Lexa just as much as she does. But it was clear that they both loved Lexa in completely different ways, and Clarke's not so sure if she could ever explain that to them. Lexa made her feel like everything was going to be okay, no matter how bad things were. Lexa was the one who always makes her smile. Even if Clarke could find a way for them to understand the way she loves Lexa, she wouldn't tell them. She doesn't want anyone else to see Lexa the way she does, because Lexa was hers; and if someone else sees Lexa the way she does, that means Lexa wouldn't be hers anymore. 

 

As a silence falls between them, Clarke does what she was told by her mom. She goes straight to her room, not giving either of her parents a second look. She doesn’t storm up the steps, or slams her door. Instead she lets Zeus open the door for her with his nose, brushes her teeth, kicks off her jeans and slides underneath the blankets. Zeus jumps up happily next to her, nudges her a few times before she gives in and scratches behind his ear. 

 

Her pillow still smells like Lexa. After a while of not using things, people scents are supposed to go away. The last time Lexa had used this pillow was almost two months ago, when Clarke had brought it up to the treehouse. But Lexa hasn't woken her up in the early hours of the morning, nudging her to get ready for school or kiss her cheek and sneak back into her own room for almost two years. Clarke guesses that nearly two years for Lexa isn’t enough. Everything reminds her of Lexa. Her pillow, the half deflated soccer ball that sits in the corner of her room, Zeus trying to grab her attention. She thinks about their call last night, how she was woken up by her phone ringing. She was disappointed when it wasn't Lexa kissing her awake or getting ready for school, but her disappointment quickly disappeared as she realized that it was Lexa who was trying to FaceTime her at 2:13 in the morning. It was such a Lexa move, loosing track of the time and still making a call. 

 

She was slightly upset to find that Lexa was enjoying her time in BUD/S Training. Clarke had done her research, sending Raven to get her books about Marines at the library. She's only read two of them, so she's still not exactly sure why she even tried to learn more. She doesn't understand why Lexa enjoys it, but Clarke wasn't going to let that change. If Lexa got through the three stages of training and came home in January, Lexa would get deployed soon after that. Clarke has no say in that.

 

Their last conversation; before Lexa had FaceTimed her, was a disaster. They didn't have a big fight, they didn't break up. They were left in that grey area wondering if someone was going to eventually call it quits, or if they were going to end up fighting anyways. Clarke didn't want to break up with Lexa. God, Clarke nearly cried from happiness when Lexa called, and she wonders how much of a mess she will be when Lexa officially gets deployed. 

 

Their conversation was little over an hour, and Clarke was still surprised when Lexa had told her she loved her. It felt like the first time Lexa had said it to her, her heart was going to job out of her chest and she was sure she would die if she couldn't kiss Lexa. Clarke couldn't kiss Lexa, obviously, but she managed to say that she loved her, too. It feels like a shitty romance novel, the way Clarke was grinning like an idiot before she fell asleep, but it had meant that there was no harsh feelings. Her and Lexa, for the time being, are completely fine. And right now, for Clarke, at least, it's one of the best feelings in the world. 

 

Clarke takes off her jeans and slips into some pajama shorts and pulls one of Lexa's shirts over her head. She lays down in bed, her lack of sleep from last night catching up to her. She closes her eyes, and buries her face into the pillow that still smells like Lexa and falls asleep within a few minutes. 

 

* * *

 

 

"Woods! Wysong! Get the fuck out of bed you useless morons!" It's Shoulin yelling into her ear, and Lexa immediately standing up straight, her arms tightly at her sides, staring straight ahead focusing on a strange dot on the wall as Tristan fumbled with his sheets, tripping over them as he tries to stand up. 

 

Shoulin snickers at the sight of the two of them, and Lexa jaw tightens. If he wasn't her instructor, one of the men who decided if she could continue with training, she would have punched him a long time ago. 

 

"You fucking idiots are not in trouble," He says, suddenly sounding relaxed as he pulls a cigarette out of his pocket and lights it with a lighter, and he smiles at them. It's strange seeing him smile, after so many days of seeing him all red-faced from yelling with no emotion but a scowl. "It's break time."

 

"I- w-what?" Tristan stutters next to her.

 

"Four days. Go home, say hi to your family, give 'em a kiss, visit your girlfriend or boyfriend, whatever. You better be back here by 1700 hours on Monday. See you idiots later." With that, Shoulin leaves after that, and Tristan and Lexa look at each other, before Tristan breaks out into a grin. 

 

"I guess I'll see you again on Monday." He says, jumping over his bed to begin packing his stuff.

 

Lexa smiles, then shoves her clothes back into her duffle bag. She looks at the time, seeing that it's only 6:30, meaning Clarke would just be waking up for school. At least she should be. Lexa grabs her phone, and presses Clarke's name. Tristan pats her on the shoulder as he walks by and says something about not doing anything stupid, and she rolls her eyes. 

 

"Lexa." Clarke mumbles into the phone, and Lexa smiles at the image of Clarke still wrapped in blankets, half asleep. 

 

"Hello, Clarke. Aren't you supposed to be getting ready for school?" She asks. 

 

"Should I?" 

 

"I would suggest not, seeing that I'll be home in about an hour and a half."

 

"What? You're coming home? You said training doesn't end unti-"

 

"They're giving us a break. I have to be back by Five on Monday. Let me call a taxi and I'll see you soon, okay?" Clarke agrees and lets her hang up, and Lexa's thankful that she doesn't live farther away from Coronado like most of the other kids do. She calls for a taxi, which comes in quicker than she expected, and she's sure that by the time she'll get home, Clarke will be sleeping again. 

 

Lexa's right. The house is empty. Abby's car is gone, so Lexa half expects Jake to be home, but when she checks through the garage window, it's empty. Every single light in the house is off. She closes the front door behind her carefully as she sets her bag on the ground, waiting to hear the ring of Zeus' name tag on his collar, and a few seconds later he's jumping up and trying to lick her. 

 

"Hey, bud!" She says happily as she kneels down to pet him, "Where's Clarke?" He bounces back up at that, and hops up a few steps before stopping and looking back at her. She kicks off her boots and follows him into Clarke's room. 

 

Clarke's fast asleep, and Lexa tries her best to not wake up as she slides underneath the covers next to Clarke, kissing the top of her nose. Almost immediately, Clarke arms wrap lazily around her waist, "Good morning, Clarke." Lexa whispers as Clarke rests her head on her shoulder. 

 

"Hm," Clarke hums. "Good morning, Lexa." 

 

"You won't miss school too much while I'm here, right?" Lexa asks, and Clarke's phone vibrates on the dresser. 

 

"That's Raven. Leave it. We still have a few hours before mom and dad come home, lay with me. Please?"

 

Lexa does. She wasn't sure if she was going to be able to fall back asleep, adjusted to her schedule for training, but after a few minutes of running her fingers through Clarke's hair and feeling Clarke's warmth again, she begins to feel tired. Before she falls asleep, she kisses Clarke and they're both left grinning like idiots. 

 

Lexa sleeps for what feels like a few minutes, when Clarke's phone starting ringing violently. Clarke hums against her neck, too comfortable to move, and Lexa decides to pick it up- planning on telling whoever is calling to call later. 

 

She answers, and is immediately greeted by Raven's voice, "Clarke Griffin. If you are not at school in the next ten minutes, Anya and I will come over there and drag your ass out of bed. I'm no-"

 

"Raven. I hope you wouldn't do that, I enjoy Clarke's company too much." Clarke laughs gently at that, kissing Lexa's neck. Over the phone, Lexa can imagine the confusion on Raven's face as she talks to Anya. 

 

"Anya!" Raven says loudly, clearly forgetting that Lexa was still on the line, "You said Lexa wasn't gonna be home until January! It's fucking September!" 

 

Lexa can hear Anya reply quickly, and Lexa dives in to explain, "Raven, I'm only gonna be back until Monday. Calm down."

 

"Oh my god, you and Clarke were having reunion sex. Okay, oh my god, why'd you even pick up? Jesus fucking Christ, I'm hanging u-" 

 

"Clarke's asleep, you dumbass." 

 

There's some shuffling through the phone as Clarke's cold hands slip under her shirt, wrapping around her waist and pressing against her back, mumbling about how she's cold. Clarke's fingers trace her spine, reminding Lexa of the design she had gotten there before training. Lexa smiles, "You're always cold, Clarke." She whispers as she waits for someone to return to the phone.

 

"Lexa!" It's Anya, and her and Clarke roll their eyes at the same time, "You don't even let us know you're coming home?!"

 

"I-"

 

"It's fine. As long as we see you before you leave. Raven won't admit it, but she misses you, too. And I've talked to Aden a few times. I tutor him, actually. So you better see him before you leave or I swear I'll beat your ass, Woods." Lexa tenses up at the mention of Aden. She had promised him that she would help him with his project, but then she quickly left after that. She hasn't spoken to him since she left, and that was three weeks ago, the end of August. Maybe he understands why, or maybe he sees her just like everyone else in his life; a person who leaves. 

 

Clarke notices that she had tensed up, giving her a concerned look. Lexa brushes it off, giving her a smile. She swallows away the strange feeling in her throat the best she can, promising herself that she would visit Aden, too.

 

"Tell Reyes that it's only natural to miss me. I'm the light in the world."

 

Anya snickers at that, "Sure, Lex. We'll see you later, right?"

 

"After I get a reasonable amount of sleep, yes, Anya, I'll see you guys." Anya takes that as an answer and says goodbye before hanging up, and Lexa tosses Clarke's phone gently across the room. It lands somewhere on the floor, out of sight. Zeus' head perks up for a few seconds, then he rests it back on the edge of Clarke's bed, his tail wagging. 

 

"You promise you're not missing anything important at school today?" Lexa asks.

 

"I promise," Clarke assures, looking at her. Lexa can't help but smile again. The last time she talked to Clarke was two nights ago, but it was so different from actually seeing her blue eyes and being able to run her fingers through her hair. "I'll make it up on Monday." 

 

"Do you want to do anything tomorrow?" Lexa mumbles against Clarke's temple, pulling one of Clarke's hands out from under her shirt, lacing their fingers together. 

 

"Like what?"

 

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe go to the beach. Or we'll just drive around. Maybe Raven and Anya will want to come."

 

"Please don't make us suffer a double date with them, Lex." 

 

* * *

 

Jake comes home first, since his work days have been shortened drastically, and he understands why, but that doesn't stop him from being upset about it. He was usually home when Clarke popped back in with her friends during lunch, which wasn't for another three and half hours, but her car still sits in the driveway. 

 

When he comes in through the garage door, Zeus is waiting patiently, and he pats his head as he walks by. He grabs a water bottle from the fridge, and starts up the stairs to see if Clarke was still in her room. Maybe she had a headache and wasn't feeling well, so she decided to take the day off. Jake had no problem calling in if that was the case, but if it was obvious she was lying, he'd drive her to school. 

 

The door to Clarke's room is shut. He knocks quickly, three loud knocks that have no response, not even after a few moments. He decides to knock again, just in case if Clarke was listening to music and didn't hear him the first time. There's no response to those ones either, so he opens the door a crack.

 

Zeus was clearly more impatient than him, nudging the door all the way open, and Jake's surprised to see that Clarke and Lexa are both sleeping soundly, both squeezed into Clarke's twin sized bed. Clarke's arms are around Lexa's waist, Lexa's hand in Clarke's hair, and the sight makes Jake smiles to himself as he closes the door. He calls in to the attendance office at Clarke's school, telling them to excuse her absences for today and tomorrow.

 

 

* * *

Lexa wakes up to an empty bed. Her fingers reach for Clarke's warmth but are greeted with cold sheets instead. She forced herself to her elbows, running her fingers through her hair. Lexa can hear the shower running in their jack and Jill bathroom, and relaxes. She feels like she could sleep for another eight hours, but is almost half expecting one of her BUD/S instructors to storm in, yelling profanities at her. 

 

Clarke comes in, a towel wrapped around her body tightly, "Oh, good. You're awake," Clarke says, leaning over to kiss her cheek. "Dad's home. I told him to let you sleep."

 

"And he's fine with the fact that I'm sleeping in your bed?" Lexa asks as Clarke pulls out a pair of jeans and a tee shirt.

 

"It sounds a little weird, but he actually seemed to be happy that you were." Lexa sits up, the sheets falling down to her waist. She looks at Clarke, not able to hide the smile on her face. Clarke looks at her, slightly confused. Lexa doesn't say anything but look at the empty space next to her. Clarke sits down, and Lexa's sure that Jake probably ended up making plans to keep them busy; that she shouldn't let herself get distracted, especially when he's in the room right next to them, but she doesn't care. 

 

She sweeps Clarke's blonde locks to the side, kissing the base of her neck. Clarke's response is immediate, tilting her head to expose her neck, "You know, it's been awhile since I've enjoyed a hot shower." 

 

"Later, Lex. Dad..." Clarke trails off as Lexa kisses her neck again, this time stopping to nip at the skin. Lexa knew that tone, but she lets her hands fall to Clarke’s waist, willing for Clarke’s towel to be gone. 

 

"Hmm. You're right. Get dressed." Lexa decides on, leaning back again. She sighs as her head hits the pillow. 

 

Clarke looks at her, raising an eyebrow, “You know, you need to get dressed, too.” 

 

“I am dressed, I’ve been dressed since three this morning.” Lexa replies, standing up, “Don’t I look good?” 

 

“Go say hi to dad, he misses you. Let me get dressed.” 

 

“Fine,” Lexa grumbles, pouting. Clarke smiles, giving her a kiss, “You should wear that blue shirt I like, it’s the best one. And my sweats that you stole.” Lexa tells her, turning to leave when Clarke stops her. 

 

“Wait, Lex. I… Look, dad’s sick. He’s, uh, he has a tumor. He doesn’t want to get the procedure, so just, uh, be careful.” 

 

“Why didn’t I know earlier?” Lexa’s not mad. She’s upset that they didn’t bother with telling her when they found out. She would have done her best to help if they did. 

 

“You were leaving, and we decided that since you wanted to do the training, we weren’t going to let you stay because he got sick.” 

 

“But if he doesn’t get it taken care of, won’t he-”

 

“He’s not going to die,” Clarke says sternly, grabbing Lexa’s hand, “He’s just being stubborn. He’ll change his mind soon.”

 

“Bu-”

 

“He’s not going to do that to us. Now, go say hi. He’s been waiting all morning.” 

 

Lexa sighs, deciding that it’s best to listen to Clarke. She treads down the stairs, Zeus close behind her. She can see Jake sitting on the couch in their living room, and when the last stair creaks, he looks in her direction, “Lexa!” He says happily, standing up so quickly, he spills a few drops of the drink in his hand. 

 

“Hi.” She manages to say quietly as he wraps her up in a bone crushing hug- one that she returns. 

 

“God, did you grow taller? You did. There’s no way you were this tall when you left. How’s training? Do you like it? Are you kicking all the boy’s asses? How long are you going to be home for?” 

 

“Only until Monday,” Lexa answers, “I have to be back by five. I’m sorry I didn’t call to let you know I was coming home.” Jake smiles widely. 

 

“C’mon, kiddo. It’s okay. I’m happy to see you again. Abby’s going to be happy, too. She only has one surgery today, I think she’s on her way home right now, actually.” 

 

“How’s work?” Lexa asks him, and he runs his fingers through his hair. 

 

“Uh, I actually haven’t been working as much lately,” He tells her, sounding defeated. “I think I might retire soon, maybe. Or just become an engineering teacher at the high school. Can you believe they only have _one_ engineering teacher?” 

 

“It’s crazy, right?” Lexa says, remembering faintly who Jake was talking about. Raven and Anya had signed up for his class, but they were all full, so Jake took the matter into his own hands and taught them on the weekends when they came over. 

 

“Yeah, and they want to open up this all-girls engineering class next year, which Raven and Anya are mad about…” He laughs, looking at her. “Clarke told you, didn’t she?” 

 

For a split second, Lexa thinks about lying, just for his sake. She doesn’t want him to feel guilty or sorry for not telling her. But she nods, “Yeah, right before I came down, actually. She… She’s scared.” Lexa settles on, remembering the look Clarke had gotten in her eyes. 

 

“It’s been different ever since we found out,” He says, “You were gone, and that was already hard on Clarke, and she just… She missed you a lot. I think that she’s afraid to talk to me about it, you know? She’s used to you being there. She’s mad at me, they both are. I get it. Can’t really blame them.” 

 

“Jake… I- I don’t want to force this on you, but I think you should get the procedure done. I know you and Abby are both wired to think you’re the one who have to fix everything, and Clarke’s the same way. She got that from you, and if something happens to you because you don't get the surgery, she’s going to think it’s her fault.” Lexa grows quiet as he drops his gaze to the floor. 

 

“Lexa, it’s not that I don’t want to hurt them. It’s just that I don't see the point of me getting the procedure. I-”

 

That’s what makes Lexa mad about the situation- Jake basically telling her that he doesn’t care if he dies or not, that he hasn’t taken in what the rest of them would feel if he did. “So, you want to die? Is that what you’re saying? There’s no reason for you to get better? 

 

“I’m not saying th-”

 

“You just said that there was no reason for you to get better. What about Abby? She’s your _wife_. You married her for a reason, right? And Clarke. You’re saying you don’t want to see her go to college, or see her ge-”

 

“Not if she’s not going to do those things without you, Lexa.”

 

“I- What?”

 

“Lexa. Ever you came into our lives, it was you and Clarke against the world. You and Clarke do everything together. It was obvious that you two never were meant to be sisters. Abby and I always thought you two would go off to college together, get married and have kids, even. Whenever you and Clarke were with other people, it just didn’t seem… Natural. And now you’re gone, too.” 

 

Lexa’s response is cut short when they hear Clarke coming down the stairs. She pauses at the bottom when she realizes how quiet they are, “What’s going on?” 

 

“Nothing,” Jake says, “Lexa and I were talking about training. Wanna go out for lunch? My treat.”

 

It turns out that Abby only had a few small surgeries today, so she ends up meeting them for lunch. Lexa had almost expected the, _you’re dating my daughter and I don’t approve_ look from her, but Abby’s just happy to see her. She holds Clarke’s hand under the table, refusing to let go. Jake and Abby insist that she tell them about her BUD/S training, and Clarke grips her hand tighter a few times when Lexa tells details that she didn’t tell Clarke before.

 

“I almost died, it was crazy. I’m there, on the rope, just holding on with my elbows, and instructor Gillespie is twenty feet below, just yelling at me to let go.” 

 

“So, did you or did you decide to climb down?” Jake asks, looking like a little kid watching their favorite movie. 

 

“Well, he would’ve yelled at me even more if I decided to figure out how to climb down, and I only have eleven minutes to finish the course, so I let go. And then I’m just laying there in the dirt and a few people pass me, just ignoring me because Gillespie’s still yelling. He yelled at me to keep going, so I got the fuck up and kept going.”

 

“Okay, woah, backpedal. What exactly does this Gillespie look like?” Jake asks. 

 

“A baby on steroids, it’s insane. His arms are bigger than my head and sometimes it’s hard to take him seriously because of his face.”

 

“Wow. Okay, so other than that, you’ve managed to not get hurt?” 

 

Lexa hasn't mentioned the PT to them, so she shrugs, “Yeah, I guess. Gillespie made me join PT at the end of the first week, but other than that I’m fine.” 

 

“Which we’re thankful for.” Abby says, stopping Jake before he has the chance to ask another question. Their food comes, ending Lexa’s story. Happy for the distraction, Lexa lets Jake and Abby grow quiet as Clarke leans in closer to her. 

 

“So, what’s going to happen when you go back?” Clarke whispers, not wanting Jake to jump in. 

 

“Uh, Hell Week,” Lexa replies, diving into an explanation when Clarke looks confused, “The class will be divided into groups, and each group has to do something different. I don’t really know, but it’s usually the hardest week.” 

 

“What happens if you don't make it through?” 

 

“I come back and finish school, maybe I’ll put my name back on the waiting list for training,” Lexa tells Clarke. Lexa tries not to focus on the look of disappointment in Clarke’s eyes. “Even if I do finish BUD/S training, I have to go through SQT to be able to get deployed. And SQT usually takes seven months, Clarke. I’m not going to get hurt. Nothing more than a few bruises.” 

 

Lexa can see that Clarke wants to argue, but keeps it to herself. Lexa sighs, stopping herself from reaching for Clarke’s hand again. 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa’s Friday night is more eventful than she thought it’d be. She was shoved in Raven’s small car with Anya, Octavia and her brother, and Clarke. Clarke had to sit on her lap (not that she minded). Raven and Anya showed up at their house at nine at night, dragging them out of the living room, apologizing to Jake and Abby, promising them that they would have Clarke and Lexa home by tomorrow morning. 

 

Also, as fas as Lexa was concerned, she was sure that Raven had a box filled of homemade fireworks. Octavia and Bellamy were arguing, and Lexa was half asleep, resting her chin on Clarke’s shoulder, “Remind me why we’re friends with them?” Lexa asks, “It’s ten-thirty at night and they insist on going to the beach.” 

 

Clarke sighs, “I don’t know, we should have left them when we had the chance.” 

 

“Hey!” It’s Raven from behind the wheel, staring at them in the mirror, “I let you guys suck face in the backseat of my car, and you’re complaining? Get out.” 

 

“You’re still driving.” 

 

“Exactly.” 

 

“Jesus Christ, you’re violent.” Lexa mumbles. 

 

Raven rolls her eyes, and Anya tells her to pay attention. “They do know that beach isn’t open this late, right?” Clarke whispers.

 

“I think they’re trying to see how many lawbreaking activities they can get away with,” Lexa whispers back as Raven takes a sharp turn, and she’s pressed against the door, “I doubt their list will end anytime soon.” 

 

The wheels squeal as Raven stops suddenly, looking back at them, “Okay, you losers, get the fuck out of my car. No complaints.” Lexa throws open the door, and stumbles out after Clarke. They’re immediately greeted by the smell of ocean and the distant sound of waves crashing. They all watch silently as Raven and Anya rummage through the trunk, and Raven piles up some dangerous looking explosives in Anya’s arms. Lexa starts to wish that she paid more attention in Chemistry, that way she could at least understand some of the basics of what run through Raven and Anya’s minds. 

 

Raven doesn't say anything to them as she makes sure the lighter she brought works, and Clarke’s grabbing Lexa’s hand, and Lexa looks at her. How Clarke has managed to handle them by herself, Lexa had no idea. Raven herself was already a bit over the top. But Raven with a whipped Anya who was equally crazy is more than anybody could handle. 

 

The five of them trail behind Raven and Bellamy mumbles something about how he should be getting sleep before his plane flight to Michigan to return to college, and something about how he chose the worst weekend to come visit Octavia. Octavia doesn’t say anything, but slaps him on the arm. Lexa curses loudly when she trips over something, and Clarke tries to hide her laugh as she helps steady her, but miserably fails. “It’s not that funny, Clarke.” Lexa grumbles as she tightens her grip on Clarke’s hand. 

 

“It was pretty funny.” Clarke mutters back as Raven stops dramatically, turning around to face them. 

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the greatest firework show, hosted by Raven and Anya.” 

 

“We’re going to die,” Octavia announces. “Sorry for luring you into a death trap, Bell.” 

 

“Oh, shut up,” Raven says, “Anya and I would never do anything to endanger you guys. Not on purpose, at least.” 

 

“That is really comforting, Raven.” 

 

“And I thought BUD/S training is dangerous.” 

 

Raven and Anya proceed to ignore their playful comments, and Lexa takes the time to lean in to kiss Clarke, “I have to say, this might be our most interesting date.” Lexa whispers when she pulls away, and Clarke smiles. 

 

“Now you’re just getting lazy with them.”

 

Lexa pretends to be offended, a hand over her heart, “Really? I put a lot of work in this, Clarke. I would appreciate it if you could see that.” 

 

“Maybe, I’ll have to think about it.”

 

“Okay, fine. Sunday night, I’ll take you out. Six-Thirty. It’ll be our best date. Promise.” 

 

Clarke’s response is quickly cut off by the loud explosion of one of Raven’s fireworks, which was a red flame in the air. “I- holy shit, that is not what I expected when Raven said she made these.” Lexa mutters. 

 

“Hell yeah! That’s what I fucking thought, light the next one!” Raven shouts at Anya, “That was amazing, I love you!” 

 

“Ow, holy shit, that’s hot.” Anya curses, shaking her hand so violently, Lexa’s surprised it didn't fall off. 

 

“Well, pay attention to what you're doing, fire’s hot.” Raven sarcastically replies, and Anya just stares at her, her mouth hanging open. 

 

“How the fuck am I supposed to pay attention to some stupid firework when you just said you loved me for the first time?” Anya argues. 

 

 _Oh. Wow._ Lexa thinks as her and Clarke silently watch the scene unfold. It’s not very surprising to her, knowing how bizarre Anya and Raven can be. 

 

“Well, I almost expected one back, but I guess not.” 

 

Lexa feels like slapping herself in the face. The whole thing was a disaster, and Clarke looks just as surprised as she is. They don’t say anything, turning their attention back to Raven and Anya, waiting to see what happens next. 

 

“I- I… Obviously I love you, too.” Anya says before turning her attention to the firework Raven had handed to her, and Lexa looks at Clarke again, holding her hand tighter. Lexa had almost expected more screaming from the two of them, but flinches when the firework goes off. 

 

No one says anything that time, not even Raven and Anya. Lexa almost groans when she sees that Raven also packed beer, but accepts the can thrown in her direction. Raven and Anya are still fuming, and Clarke refuses to let go of her hand, “We weren’t that awkward, were we?” Clarke asks her, and Lexa smiles against her neck. 

 

“No. We weren’t.” Lexa tells her, pauses as Clarke mumbles in agreement, “Maybe we were a little awkward.” 

 

“We were.” 

 

Lexa laughs at that. They strayed from the rest of their friends, and Clarke had unzipped Lexa’s jacket, slipping her hands under Lexa’s shirt. Lexa doesn’t complain about the cold contact of Clarke’s hand, used to it. Lexa almost wishes that she never returned Jackson’s call. That way, it wouldn’t have been so different between her and Clarke. They were still comfortable with each other, and still happy, but the fact that Lexa would leave in a few days still hung over their heads. 

 

Clarke’s hands snake up to Lexa’s arms, and she leans back to look at Lexa. 

 

“What?” Lexa asks. 

 

“Nothing.” Clarke says with a smile. 

 

“It’s obviously not nothing.”

 

“Your arms are nice.” 

 

“They’ve always been nice,” Lexa frowns, “That’s what you told me.” 

 

“Well, yeah. But now it’s like, holy shit, Lexa, your _arms_.” 

 

“I can put them to good use, you know. Instead of having you stare at them.” Clarke doesn’t have time to react before Lexa’s picking her up, tossing her over her shoulder. Clarke yells something in her ear, slamming her fists against her back, and Lexa ignores her, walking towards Octavia, who rolls her eyes at them. 

 

“You should be thanking me, now you don’t have to walk everywhere now.” 

 

“Yeah, but I already miss your face. Please put me down, Lex.” 

 

“Fine.” Lexa mumbles, pretending to be upset, but when she puts Clarke down, she immediately jumps back into Lexa’s arms, wrapping her legs around her waist. 

 

“Now, this is the right way to pick up a girl.” Clarke whispers, leaning in to kiss her, biting on her lower lip as she pulls away. Lexa wasn’t going to argue with her.

 

“It definitely was better than my strategy.” 

 

Raven gags and starts pushing them back in the direction of her car, and Lexa manages not to trip or stumble in the sand, not even when Octavia tries to trip her. Clarke flips Octavia off for her. 

 

Clarke doesn’t even let go of Lexa’s neck when they get to the car, and Lexa opens the car door. They stand there for a few minutes, well, _Lexa_ stands there for a few moments while they argue. Lexa gives in to Clarke, siting in the backseat of the car while Clarke is still latched onto her like a Koala bear. 

 

They sit in silence on the drive back, ignoring the fact that Bellamy and Octavia are in the front, Raven and Anya siting next to them. “Hey,” Raven says after around ten minutes of driving, “We should play padiddle.” 

 

“What the fuck is that?” 

 

“It’s a game when you see a car with a broken light or fog light out, you scream paddle and hit the roof with your hand. If you don’t say padiddle, you have to take off a piece of clothing.” 

 

Lexa looked down at her outfit. She had taken her shoes and socks off, trying to get the sand out of them, and peeled off her jacket because she had gotten too hot. She was most likely going to loose. She didn't really feel like stripping in a car for Raven. 

 

“Obviously Bellamy gets immunity because he’s the driver.” Raven adds, and Octavia nods in agreement. 

 

“Well, are you playing L-” 

 

“PADIDDLE!” Lexa shouts suddenly, punching the roof with a bang. 

 

“WHAT?!” Raven shouts, twisting around in her seat at the car they past.

 

“It counts,” Anya confirms, closer to the window than Raven. “It had a headlight out. Shirt off.” She tells Raven. Lexa and Clarke laugh, as Lexa tightens her hold around Clarke’s waist on her lap. She leans forward and cranes her neck up to kiss Clarke’s jawline. 

 

“PADIDDLE!” Octavia yells, punching the roof. 

 

“WHAT?” Raven shouts back, sounding angrier than before. 

 

“You’re loosing, Raven.” Lexa teases, her lips still lingering on Clarke’s jaw and neck.

 

“How the hell were there two in a row? That’s so unfair! Besides, it’s not fair a- PADIDDLE!” 

 

“PADIDDLE!” Clarke exclaims the same time as Raven, but her fist hits the roof much sooner than Raven’s.

 

“GOD FUCKING DAMNIT,” Raven yells before she leans down to take off her shoes, “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET THREE IN A ROW?!” 

 

Lexa ignores her and laughs, and as she does her lips and teeth graze Clarke’s neck as she stays close to her, while Clarke wraps her arms around her neck even tighter than before, laughing right along with her, “You should let Raven get it next time,” Clarke whispers, “Your clothes are really starting to get in the way.” 

 

“Only if you loose after me.” Lexa whispers back.

 

“You know what? That wasn’t fair, Clarke’s on Lexa’s lap! Her hand is automatically closer to the roof!” Raven says, “They’re making out and still manage to win!” 

 

“Maybe you should sit on Anya’s lap, then,” Lexa offers. 

 

“Or maybe she should pay attention.” Bellamy says, looking at the four of them in the mirror. He still manages to sound entertained and bored by Raven’s excessive complaining and yelling. 

 

“Shut up and drive,” Anya tells him, looking at Raven, “I liked Lexa’s idea better.” 

 

“PADIDDLE!” Raven shouts, punching the roof before anyone else has time to respond, and she looks at Lexa, “Your turn to strip, come on.” 

 

“You only took your socks and one shoe off!” Lexa argues, “I don't have my shoes or socks on!” 

 

“Well, pants or shirt, what’s it gonna be?” 

 

Lexa pretends to think about it, but doesn’t hesitate to unbutton her jeans, deciding it’s a better option than announcing to everyone that she has a tattoo, not that would even notice in the dark. Clarke helps her pull them off, throwing them at Raven, “Are you happy, Reyes?” 

 

“I’m surprised you and Clarke haven't had sex yet. Or that Jake and Abby and haven’t done anything to eliminate that from happening.” 

 

“We would probably still have sex anyways.” 

 

“You sound so confident about it, I might say no.” Lexa says. 

 

“When I want it, it happens,” Clarke replies confidently. 

 

“I have a choice in it, too!” Lexa laughs. 

 

“Of course you do, baby, but all I have to do is give you the look and it just happens.” 

 

Lexa doesn’t say anything to that- knowing exactly what Clarke was talking about. 

 

* * *

 

Raven ends up winning their game of Padiddle, but Clarke and Lexa don’t mind, not even when Bellamy’s dropping them off at two in the morning at their house. Clarke still hasn't let go of Lexa’s neck, and is holding the jeans Lexa had taken off an hour ago. Lexa opens the door as quietly as she can, knowing that there was no way Jake or Abby had stayed up to make sure they got home safely. 

 

Lexa starts up the stairs quietly, and makes it to Clarke’s room without tripping, “My arms are starting to get tired, baby.” Lexa mumbles into Clarke’s ear. 

 

“You better not drop me.” Clarke mumbles back as Lexa kicks the door shut behind them. 

 

“I won’t,” Lexa promises, her grip tightening on Clarke’s thighs, but after the three quick steps to Clarke’s bed, she decides against it, and lets go. “Sorry.” 

 

Clarke doesn’t even complain, “That’s a big hug.” She complements when Lexa lies on top of her envelopes and her in tight embrace, her arms wrapped around Clarke’s neck. 

 

“Hm,” Lexa hums, kissing Clarke’s temple, her lips lingering.

 

Clarke turns her head, and sleepily kisses Lexa. Lexa returns a gentle kiss. They should go to bed, they’ve been out all night, and Lexa is exhausted, and it’s obvious that Clarke is as well, but Lexa doesn't keep her mouth shut, “Are you going to give me the look tonight, or is that going to be tomorrow?” 

 

“Do you want the look tonight or tomorrow?” Clarke asks. 

 

“Can I get it both?” 

 

“Maybe.” Clarke says. 

 

“Okay, but you actually have to give me the _look_.” Lexa tells her, and they both erupt in laughter when Clarke fails miserably. 

 

“You can’t laugh, it’s not funny.” 

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you were just so cute and adorable and hot at the same time. I’m sorry.” 

 

Clarke pushes on her shoulder, “You’re squishing me.” 

 

“Sorry,” Lexa mumbles, “I just really love your boobs.” 

 

“I know you do.” 

 

“When we talk about them like this, I sound really shallow.” 

 

“It’s okay because I love your ass. And your arms.” 

 

“Yeah, well, I love your face, too. Just about everything, actually.” 

 

“I’m glad to know my face is to your expectations.” 

 

“It is.” 

 

“I’m tired. Goodnight. I love you.” 

 

Lexa doesn't respond, since she was already half asleep, her hand tightly clasped in one of Clarke’s. 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa was certainly not expecting to be woken up early on Saturday morning just because Clarke just wanted to kiss her, but she couldn’t really argue, not when Clarke frowned, “Lexa, I just miss kissing you, it’s not fair that you’re sleeping.” 

 

“You know, I miss kissing you, too, and it’s not fair that you’re talking.” 

 

Clarke smiled at that, one of her real ones that made Lexa weak at the knees- even after all this time, knowing that she could make Clarke smile. It make Lexa feel like she was enough, being able to make Clarke smile. Clarke was really the only person that made her want to do anything, really.

 

“Well?” Lexa asked quietly when Clarke didn’t kiss her. “Are you going to kiss me, or can I go back to sleep?” 

 

“You’re being demanding, Lex. I was just happy to see you happy again.” 

 

“You have that affect.” Lexa told her, leaning up to kiss Clarke herself. Their clothes were already thrown across the room from last night, except for Lexa’s shirt that Clarke was wearing. Lexa barely remembers taking it off before falling asleep. She didn’t mind, seeing Clarke in it was better, anyways. Ever since Lexa came back home, even if it was only for a few days, she felt like an over-excited kid, mostly because she was spending her time with Clarke. 

 

“What time is it?” Lexa asks when Clarke pulls away. 

 

“Seven.” 

 

“Damn, Clarke this is a record, you never wake up this early.” 

 

“Oh, shut up. I told you, I just really wanted to kiss you. Which, I did. Go back to sleep now.” 

 

“I don’t feel like sleeping anymore, though.” Lexa tells her, her hand finding Clarke’s waist, pulling her closer. “I’m leaving again soon, and I don’t want to waste time sleeping.” Clarke’s response is almost immediate, settling her knees on either side of Lexa’s hips. Lexa’s vision had already adjusted to the low light but now she almost wished it hadn’t because as she looks into the wide blue eyes above her, she realizes that she’s nervous again. Her and Clarke have been in intimate positions so many times, Lexa should be used to it, but every single time, she grows nervous and awe-struck. Clarke’s smirk was replaced with a look of fascination as she gazed at Lexa, her eyes flicking down to her mouth when she could tear them away from the pools of green. Lexa felt hot puffs of breath on her face and glanced down at the girl’s parted lips.

 

“I…” Lexa’s voice dies in her throat. 

 

Her mind filled with images of all the things she imagined those full lips doing to her and the memory of her warm tongue and before she knew it she was pressing her own lips against them. Clarke gasped a little before exhaling through her nose in a delighted sigh as she moved her lips against Lexa’s, wrapping her arms around her neck. Their lips moved inexpertly but the contact was intoxicating and Clarke pushed against the back of Lexa’s head while she opened her mouth to deepen the kiss.

 

Lexa explores Clarke’s mouth hesitantly at first, but she grows bolder with every whimper that Clarke let out. Lexa had almost forgot what it felt like to kiss Clarke like this. Lexa takes Clarke’s bottom lip in between her own for a moment before giving it a nip and diving back into her mouth to flick her tongue across the roof. Clarke was going wild on top of her, letting out sounds that were much too loud for their current position and bucking her hips as the girl above her claimed her mouth. 

 

Lexa’s mind was hazing over with need and all she could think about was how she wanted Clarke. There was no need for pretense at this point.

 

Clarke’s hands had been tangling in Lexa’s hair but soon started roaming downwards. She had to hold in a groan when her hands met Lexa’s bare ass and she gave it a playful squeeze. Lexa gasped under her. Clarke’s hands traveled upwards and grasped the hem of her shirt, separating their lips to pull it over her head. The garment was thrown at the foot of the bed and Lexa had just enough room to sit up and run her hands through her disheveled hair.

 

“Fuck,” Clarke whispers, and Lexa smiles. “You’re so hot, it’s not fair.”

 

“What’s not fair is the effect you have.” Lexa tells her. 

 

Lexa is entranced by Clarke on top of her. Her mouth watered at the sight of her glistening pink folds resting on her abdomen and she imagined running her tongue over the contours of her taut stomach. Finally, she gazed intently at her sumptuous breasts, full and pert and rising slightly with her arms and Lexa couldn’t stop herself if she tried. She sat up abruptly and took a soft breast into her open mouth, flicking her tongue over the nipple to feel it harden and palming the other.

 Clarke let out a small “Fuck!” and moved her hands to the back of Lexa’s head to push her closer as she bent her head down. Lexa’s mouth was hungrily lavishing her breast, sucking as much as she could her mouth before running her tongue over the firm pink nipple and giving it a nip.

 

“God, I love these,” she whispered before moving to the other one and giving it the same treatment.

 

Clarke’s giggles at Lexa’s enthusiasm, to which she responded with a _shhhh_ while still pressed firmly against her breast. The warm air against her nipple shot heat straight to her core, which was now spreading wetness against Lexa’s stomach where her shirt had ridden up. Lexa was sure she had soaked through her own underwear by now. With Clarke’s perfect breast in her mouth and her juices on her stomach, her pajama shorts were next. 

 

She could have gone on forever but Clarke put her hand under her chin, and Lexa pauses. Clarke’s blue eyes bore into hers- and Lexa wanted to tell Clarke how beautiful she was, how lucky she is that Clarke was still hers, but Clarke draws her up for a searing kiss before gently guiding her back down to the bed.

 

Clarke kept their lips connected as she hooked her fingers into the thin straps of Lexa’s bra and drew it downwards. Once the offending material exposed Lexa’s breasts to her she pressed herself against the mounds, sliding their nipples against each other easily with the wetness Clarke provided earlier. The feeling of their stiff nipples grinding on each other was sending shockwaves through both of them. Lexa let out a small moan that got lost in Clarke’s mouth. Their bodies were getting hotter by the second, having them pressed so closely, and Lexa’s mind was in a haze of heat and lust.

 

Dragging Lexa’s lip between her teeth, Clarke separated their bodies to continue pulling down the tanned girl’s restrictive clothing. She pulled the shirt down to her hips and took her pajama shorts and panties off in one motion along with the, sliding the clothing down long smooth legs to be kicked to the end of the bed. Clarke’s eyes grew wide as she looked at Lexa’s form laying exposed before her and her own body thrummed with excitement. She quickly leaned down to lavish her neck, suddenly overcome with the desire to taste every inch of her skin.

 

She slid her tongue down to her defined collarbones, sucking for a moment before leaving a trail of sloppy open mouthed kisses over both of her breasts. Lexa’s panting was steadily getting louder as Clarke moved farther down. She paused when she noticed the wet patch that had been left by her own arousal. She locked eyes with Lexa before licking a hot stripe over her toned abdominal muscles, tasting herself on Lexa’s stomach.

 

Lexa let out a whimper at the sight of Clarke being so bold and uninhibited and started pushing on her shoulders lightly. Clarke’s talented tongue was working wonders on her body there was a place she wanted it more. She didn’t think she had ever throbbed so hard with need. Clarke shifts farther down, hooking her arms under Lexa’s thighs and lifted her lower body off the mattress, bringing her core level with her mouth. Lexa’s thighs rested on her shoulders. Lexa bucked her hips in desperation.

 

Clarke’s blue eyes were transfixed on the glistening folds in front of her, taking in the sight of Lexa exposed and ready and keening her hips to her mouth. Lexa’s brow was furrowed in frustration but her eyes rolled into the back of her head when Clarke ran a flat tongue up her slit. Clarke almost groaned at the taste, not unlike her own but so specifically Lexa. She kissed her rock hard clit before swirling her tongue around it a few times, and then flicked it quickly with the tip of her tongue. Lexa jerked her hips in reflex to the jolts of pleasure surging through her heated body. With only her shoulders on the bed, she felt utterly debauched thrusting her hips into Clarke’s face and pressing her closer with her hand threaded through blonde locks. She was already so close before Clarke even joined her that every touch was euphoric and she felt like she could come any second.

 

“Jesus christ,” Lexa breathes out, whining as Clarke slows her movements, pulling away. 

 

“I thought we agreed to never bring him into this.” Clarke says with a small smirk.

 

“That was before you started doing that thing with your t- Holy shit, _Clarke_.”  

 

Clarke was going purely on instinct as she worked her lips and tongue through Lexa’s folds. When she sucked on the straining bundle of nerves she received an answering moan of approval, and when she moved her tongue to her entrance she could feel it clenching. Lexa’s hand in her hair squeezed and Clarke opened her eyes to meet Lexa’s hooded gaze. Lexa has to bite her lip to keep from crying out as Clarke’s tongue reached deep inside her, curling to hit a specific spot that made her mind go blank. Clarke reached her arm around to rub Lexa’s clit while she thrust in and out, feeling her walls flutter around her tongue.

 

Lexa’s hand in her hair tightened almost painfully and her back arched even further off the bed before she completely fell apart. Lexa’s entire world was consumed by Clarke hitting that delicious spot inside of her as spikes of pleasure shot up her spine. Clarke had a hard time keeping a hold on Lexa’s hips as she trashed around, her core clamping down on Lexa while releasing a gush of wetness that coated her mouth and chin. Clarke kept laving her folds, lapping up all traces of Lexa orgasm.

 

With a final swipe over her sensitive clit, Clarke let go of Lexa’s hips back down on the bed and collapsed on top of her, trying to catch her breath. She wiped her mouth on the back of her hand and looked up Lexa, who was answering her gaze and still trembling with aftershocks. Clarke sat up and once again admired Lexa’s beautiful body, entranced by the way her skin glistened and her chest rose and fell as she caught her breath. She slid her hands over her frame before she laid against her once again.

 

“Training doesn't give you that, right?” 

 

“Oh, god, no.” 

 

Clarke laughs at that, leaning down to kiss Lexa again. They kissed slowly this time, lips and tongues sliding over one another and finding a rhythm. Clarke fit her knee between Lexa’s legs and settled down on her thigh. Clarke could feel Lexa’s heat pooling against her leg, spreading wetness as her hips began to move. She let out a low moan when Clarke ground down and she could hear her slick arousal against her skin.

 

Lexa stilled her movement, looking at Clarke in confusion before she sunk a finger into Lexa’s burning core with no warning. Lexa’s eyes widened as she gasped in surprise. Clarke started moving her hand at a leisurely pace, curling her fingers and smiling smugly at Lexa’s pleading expression. Lexa was beginning to whimper with every pump of Clarke’s hand and she attached her lips to Clarke’s to stifle the small sounds. She was still grinding down on her digits slipping in and out of her hot core, willing her to go faster and harder. When Clarke got the message and started to increase her pace, Lexa had to muffle her moans on the crook of Clarke’s neck.

 

Lexa’s mind was reeling with desire as Clarke’s fingers reached deep inside her before curling against her sweet spot with every thrust.

 

“Clarke, more,” Lexa whimpered against her neck, her hips moving erratically to meet Clarke’s hand. She ground down again but Clarke was hesitant, only giving her shallow thrusts that hit her spot directly.

 

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Clarke asked.

 

Lexa was so close she almost growled in frustration.

 

“Fuck, Clarke, _please_.” Lexa groans into her neck and Clarke chuckles, enjoying the control she had over Lexa.

 

Suddenly the air was sucked out of her lungs as Clarke slammed into a part of her. With one final thrust her back snapped into an almost painful arc as her channel squeezed Clarke’s fingers, gushing hot liquid into her palm. Her throat again threatened a scream of release but instead she sank her teeth into the flesh of Clarke’s neck, letting out a little groan despite her best efforts to keep quiet. Her body pulsed with pleasure, her mind in a fog of euphoria. Clarke kept pumping even as her core clenched and spasmed, and as soon as Lexa came down from her high she was at the crest of another climax. Lexa could barely catch her breath before she was biting a new part of Clarke’s neck. Clarke eventually slowed her movements and eventually pulled out. Lexa slumped against her, completely spent.

 

They both take a while to catch their breath, their slick bodies intertwined and their breasts pressed together. After a few minutes Lexa lifted her head up and gazed at Clarke with half lidded eyes. Clarke smiled at Lexa’s relaxed expression and flushed cheeks and Lexa gave back a lazy grin.

 

“You can go back to sleep now, if you want.” Clarke says with a small smirk.

 

“No, I think I’m good.” Lexa counters back,leaning back into Clarke’s touch, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s shoulder. 

 

“Raven and An-” Clarke doesn’t hold back her moan as Lexa nips on her shoulder, her teeth trailing up her neck before stopping at her jaw. She bites down on it hard. “Can’t leave a mark there, babe,” Clarke says. “Mom and Dad will kill me.” 

 

“Right,” Lexa mumbles, chuckling slightly, and Clarke glares at her. “What? They never stopped us before.” 

 

“Yeah, but it’s different now, and you know that.” Clarke replies, and Lexa nods in agreement. 

 

“Okay, okay, no more kissing. I’m going to take a sh-”

 

“Hey! I didn’t say that.” Clarke grabs Lexa’s hand, pulling her closer again. “You should keep doing what you were doing before.” 

 

“Yeah? Are you sure you’re not gonna complain again?” Lexa mumbles. She knows that Clarke rolls her eyes, and leans back to give her give her a smile before leaning in to give Clarke a tender kiss, then moves her mouth below her jaw, moving one of her hands down to Clarke’s breast and squeezed, kneading the soft flesh as she nipped and sucked. Lexa covered her neck with quickly reddening marks and soft bites, soothing everything with strokes of her warm tongue. 

 

Eventually, Lexa pulled away and moved down the bed and out of Clarke’s lap, pulling the small girl with her. Clarke’s head rested on her pillow as Lexa reached up to turn on the lamp by her the bed, bathing everything in a warm glow. She situated herself between Clarke’s legs and went right back to her collarbones, kissing and nipping her way down to her breasts. 

 

Clarke’s chest was heaving as Lexa’s mouth made its way towards her breast, her hand palming the other. Lexa locked her gaze with Clarke’s as she licked over the dusky nipple, making it harden before taking it between her teeth. Clarke threaded her hands through Lexa’s hair to keep it out of her face and let out a whimper when she tugged a little on the hardened bud. Lexa released her teeth and covered her nipple with her mouth, sucking and flicking her tongue to before moving to the other. She kissed all around her nipple before she took it between her teeth and tugged a little harder to hear Clarke growl and tighten her grip in her hair. She soothed it with her warm mouth and soft strokes of her tongue before trailing her wet tongue down her toned stomach, leaving sloppy kisses around her navel and over her hipbone. 

Clarke couldn’t keep her hips still as Lexa worked her mouth over her heated skin, making her center throb and ache for her touch. She widened her legs further, opening herself up for Lexa and resisting the urge to push her head between her thighs. Lexa sat up and ran her nails softly over her stomach and Clarke groaned in frustration. The green eyed girl met her hooded gaze as she continued through her short curls to her inner thighs and Clarke felt herself clench as she released another rush of wetness. She had been ready for so long but Lexa was building her up slowly anyway and it was sweet torture. Keeping their eyes locked she trailed her nails back down her thighs but she broke her gaze when was met with slick wetness before she even reached her center. Lexa had never seen Clarke this wet, her entire center as well as the inside of her thighs glistening with arousal, and her eyes widened when she saw just how worked up Clarke had gotten. She ran a finger up her drenched folds and Clarke whined before she grabbed her hand. 

 

“No,” she panted, and Lexa raised an eyebrow. “I want your mouth.” 

 

Lexa smirked and started kissing down her thigh, starting with her knee. “Like this?” 

 

“You’re such as ass, you know what I want,” Clarke moaned, exasperated. It was hard to find her sense of humor when she needed relief so badly. Lexa chuckled against her heated skin and shifted lower in the bed as her mouth made its way towards her soaked center. She licked through the wetness on the inside of her thighs and groaned at the heady taste and scent of Clarke, familiar and exciting. After leaving a mark the sensitive skin she finally ran a flat tongue through her wet folds and Clarke let out a groan, her hips bucking into Lexa’s face. Lexa used her thumbs to part her lips and expose the pink flesh underneath as she tongued her dripping entrance, licking all through her folds but avoiding her sensitive bundle of nerves. As Clarke’s groans turned desperate she covered her hardened clit with her mouth and sucked, relishing in the strangled moan that Clarke let out.

 

Her hands found the back of Lexa’s head and held her close as her tongue swiped and flicked over the slick bud, her lips closing around it and creating delicious suction. Every touch sent white heat through Clarke’s body and she fought to keep her eyes open as she watched Lexa’s mouth work it’s magic between her thighs, her piercing green eyes finding hers when they weren’t picking out a new area to taste.

 

“Fuck, Lexa I’m g-”

 

Lexa suddenly stops, looking up at Clarke, her face flustered and looking down at her in confusion, “Lexa, why’d yo-”

 

“Don’t worry,” Lexa assures her quickly, “I just wanna try something, no big deal.” 

 

“If it involves me not coming, then it’s a big deal.” Clarke replies, her voice still low and breathy. 

 

“C’mon, it won’t be that bad. Just relax,” Lexa tells her, trying her best to hold back her laugh at Clarke’s conflicted expression, but she gives in eventually, groaning and resting her head back on the pillow. 

 

“I hate you so much, Lexa.” 

 

“Yeah, I love you, too.” Lexa replies happily. Her hands running up Clarke’s thighs, watching as Clarke bites her lip, probably to hold back a complaint. Lexa decides that she’s made Clarke wait long enough, running her finger over Clarke’s folds. Clarke lets out a soft moan. Lexa lets her hand trail on Clarke’s thigh again, and Clarke’s quick to grab it again, pulling it towards her core. Giving in, Lexa slides two fingers into her folds, causing Clarke to groan. Lexa continues to move her fingers, every once in a while rubbing her thumb over Clarke’s swollen clit. Clarke draws in a sharp breath, and being familiar with Clarke’s tell-tale signs, Lexa slows down.

 

Lexa kisses the soft spot on her thigh, laughing as Clarke groans above her, “Lexa this is the second fucking time you won’t let me come, _please_.” 

 

“Well, maybe, since you asked nicely.” 

 

“Fuck, I’ll just do it myself,” Clarke hisses, moving her hand down to her clit, but Lexa stops her, giving in to Clarke’s begging. 

 

“Okay, fine,” Lexa mumbles, moving Clarke’s hand, “Don’t touch yourself.” Lexa flicks her tongue over the sensitive bud, Clarke’s hips bucking up to meet her movement, her name falling from Clarke’s lips in a strained voice. Clarke’s grip tightens in her hair, and Lexa reaches for one of her hands, and their fingers lace out of habit. Clarke’s already close, she can tell by the grip in her hair, the shake of Clarke’s thighs, but she doesn't slow her movements. Not even when she hears the click of Clarke’s door opening, the very quick exchange between Clarke and a familiar voice before the door slams shut again. 

 

“Lex, sto- fuck, nevermind.” Clarke groans, letting go of her hair. “Fuck, Lexa I’m gonna come.” Lexa almost considers pulling away again, but she knows that later, Clarke would make her even regret _thinking_ about teasing her, keeping her on edge. She continues to lick up Clarke’s folds, brushing her thumb against Clarke’s clit and Clarke’s grip on her hand tightens. 

 

It’s a few seconds later when there’s a quiet, careful knock on Clarke’s door that Lexa’s heart skips a beat in fear, looking up at Clarke, who was still breathing heavily, “Did he…?” Lexa asks, knowing that it wasn’t Abby.

 

“I wasn’t about to let you stop a third time,” Clarke whispers back as Lexa sits up, running her fingers through her hair. “I would have killed you.” 

 

“I think he’s gonna kill me.” Lexa mumbles, looking at the door. She wants to jump out Clarke’s window, but Clarke stops her from doing anything too drastic. 

 

“You got a tattoo?!” Clarke exclaims, her fingers tracing down Lexa’s spine. 

 

“I, uh, yeah. I thought you noticed it earlier,” Lexa says quietly, already coming up with alternative facts to tell Jake once she worked up the courage to leave Clarke’s room. “It’s not a big deal.” 

 

“We were busy earlier,” Clarke says, and Lexa gives her a sheepish shrug, “And of course it’s a big deal, it’s amazing.” 

 

“Well, you’re the original artist, of course it is. I got it from your sketch book, remember?” 

 

“Oh, yeah, I remember that. Is it bad that I'm a hundred times more attracted to your back now?” 

 

“Were you always attracted to my back?” 

 

“Lexa, you have the hottest back ever. Of course I’ve always been attracted to it.” Clarke kisses the base of her neck, mumbling something about how they should get dressed, and Lexa slowly agrees, grabbing a fresh pair of jeans and a sweatshirt from her room. Once she returns to Clarke’s room, she’s fully dressed in sweatpants and one of Lexa’s old shirts. 

 

“I really don’t want to go out there,” Lexa tells Clarke, “He hates me.” 

 

“No, he doesn’t. Besides, it’s not like he sa-” 

 

“Okay, don’t finish that thought. I really don't need another reason to be embarrassed.” 

 

Clarke rolls her eyes, “My point is, yeah, it’s embarrassing and we should probably run away and never return, but he would never hate you.” 

 

Lexa ponders it it for a few seconds, then decides Clarke is right. “Will you at least still hold my hand?” Lexa asks. 

 

Clarke laughs at that, taking her hand in hers. As they walk down the stairs she mumbles something about Lexa being ridiculous and overreacting. Lexa is happy to find that she doesn’t run into Jake on their way to the kitchen, where Anya is leaning against the counter. 

 

“Morning. Took you two long enough. Want some coffee? Raven made me stop for some.” Anya says, sighing, “Then she went to garage with Jake.” 

 

“Sure, Anya, thanks,” Clarke replies, her face heating up at the mention of her dad. After this morning, Clarke’s sure her and Lexa were never going to live it down.

 

She leans against the counter, near the spot where Lexa was sitting at the table, engrossed in her coffee and the magazine in front of her. She hadn’t looked up yet and Clarke was about to make idle conversation when Anya set her coffee down in front of her and gave her a confused look.

 

“Clarke, is your shirt inside out?” she asked, taking a closer look at her. “ _And_ backwards?” Anya’s voice gives everything away- Clarke and Lexa were never going to hear the end from her. Lexa snorts into her coffee cup and Clarke’s cheeks turned pink in embarrassment.

 

“I don’t… I was really tired last night and uh-” Clarke fumbled, looking pleadingly at Lexa to save her.

 

“Anya, don’t interrogate her this early, she hasn’t even had her coffee yet,” Lexa says nonchalantly, lifting her cup to her lips. “She probably just had a bad dream and rolled around a lot.”

 

She looked at Clarke over the rim, her eyes twinkling with amusement.

 

“Maybe it was a good dream,” Clarke replied, locking eyes with Lexa and smiling shyly. She lifted her coffee to her mouth and emerald eyes watched intently as she licked her lips with a pink tongue before taking a sip. Anya watches the exchange and gags.

 

“Okay, I don’t want to hear about you guys having sex, so I’m gonna go get Raven and we’re leaving,” Anya announces. “Don’t disappear. No sex. I’m going to the garage, I’ll be gone for five minutes.”

 

“We’ll try not to,” Clarke says unenthusiastically. Anya rolls her eyes.

 

“Just enjoy the coffee!” she says as she walks out the kitchen.

 

When the garage door slams shut loudly, Lexa and Clarke are left in silence.

 

“So…” Clarke started, tapping her fingers on her coffee cup, her heart racing.

 

“So,” Lexa mimicked, smirking. “Was I in your dream last night?”

 

Clarke felt a grin forming as she gazed back at Lexa. Deciding to play coy she got up and placed her coffee cup on the counter.

 

“Hmm, maybe,” she said, pretending to contemplate it. “I don’t remember.”

 

Lexa scoffs in feigned disbelief. “You don’t remember?” She got up and stood behind Clarke at the counter. She snaked her arms around her waist, pressing her body into Clarke and pressing Clarke into the counter.

 

“Do you remember this?” she husked into her ear before kissing her neck, running her tongue over the area before scraping her teeth along soft skin. Clarke sunk backwards into Lexa’s body, closing her eyes and sighing as Lexa’s lips traveled upwards.

 

“It’s possible,” Clarke said teasingly, bringing her hand up to tangle in Lexa’s hair.

 

“What about this?” Lexa asked, running her hands under Clarke’s shirt to cup her breasts, kneading softly.

 

“Very possible,” Clarke breathed, feeling her nipples harden in response and a familiar tingling between her legs. When she felt Lexa’s hips press harder against her backside, she turned around and smashed their lips together, pushing Lexa into the wall behind her. Lexa whimpered and pulled her closer but when she ran her tongue along Clarke’s bottom lip, Clarke pulls away. Lexa’s pupils were blown as she looked at her questioningly, but soon she was being pushed backwards down the hall leading back to the stairs.

 

“I might have had a dream about you last night,” Clarke says as she pushed a stumbling Lexa down the narrow hallway, attaching their lips every few seconds. “But not until you woke up in my bed half naked. Not until after I fucked you so hard you came all over my fingers,” Clarke husked into her ear, pushing her backwards against the wall. “Twice.”

 

Lexa groans, attaching her hands to Clarke’s butt to pull her closer as she straddled the green eyed girl.

 

“And if we’re keeping score,” she said, grinding her hips against Lexa, “I think you owe me one.”

 

They break apart the moment they hear Anya and Raven bickering again, Jake inputing a few comments, backing up Raven, which causes Anya to sigh. Lexa’s and Clarke’s face heat up when all three of them walk in- keeping a safe distance between them as Jake looks at both of them, then looks away, “Alright, girls. Have fun, don’t cause too much trouble.” 

 

“Of course not, Dad.” Clarke says quickly, following Raven and Anya out the door, and Lexa follows behind Clarke- refusing to let herself grab Clarke’s hand. 

 

“We’ll be home for dinner, we promise.” Lexa tells him, looking at her feet as she passes him, “Maybe even for lunch.”

* * *

 

 

Raven finds out that at iHop, they can get pancakes for free, so after a few quick minutes of debating, all four of them agree that they don't want to spent money anywhere else. Lexa does her best to keep her distance from Clarke- only holding her hand as they walk in. She didn't want a repeat of what happened this morning with Jake, and while it was highly unlike that her and Clarke were going to start messing around in a public place, Lexa can't help but look over the edge of her seat once the waiter seats them in a booth near the back of the restaurant.

 

Anya leaves the three of them, realizing that she had forgotten to pick up Aden. Lexa tries to pass time by pouring the salt onto the table and tracing some crappy drawings in the pile, still holding on to Clarke's hand tightly.

 

"Hey, why were you guys so happy to leave?" Raven asks over her menu, a teasing smile on her face, "I think it has to do with the fact that Clarke's shirt is on inside out?" 

 

Lexa groans quietly, wanting to die at the idea of explaining to Raven what had happened this morning. She pulls her hood over her head, pushes the salt onto the floor and rests her head on the table, pulling the strings as tight as they go. For now, it was the best way to cut off the rest of the world, and hopefully, the embarrassment that is soon to come. Clarke's grip on her hand loosens, and Lexa frowns when Clarke lets go, but she doubts Clarke even notices.

 

"Well, uh, my dad sorta saw some very mentally scarring things, and being good family members, Lexa and I are also mentally scarred by seeing some of these things."

 

"So, he caught you two fucking?" Raven asks, laughing. 

 

"What? No!" Clarke tries to defend themselves as Lexa groans again, shaking her head.

 

"He caught us fucking." Lexa mumbles from her spot, and Clarke smacks her arm as Raven bursts into a fit of laughter. Lexa was thankful that she decided to hide in her sweatshirt, but she started to feel bad for leaving Clarke alone to fend for herself. She opened her eyes, and knows it's Clarke who loosens the string, pushing her hoodie off her head. 

 

"Can I join you?" Clarke asks quietly, also resting her head on the table as Raven continues to laugh. 

 

"I'm thinking about renting a motel room for the rest of my life, wanna come? Or do you just wanna share my sweatshirt?" 

 

"I'm up for both."

 

"We'll need money and stuff. We'll be outlaws, to never return." Lexa tells her. Clarke might not be so serious, but Lexa was considering all of her best options to avoid the whole _if you're going to be having sex with my daughter, it better be with protection and the right way_ talk with Jake. Or even Abby. Lexa's sure that Jake called Abby, in a state of shock just to let her know that he caught them red-handed. The worst thing was that Lexa didn't even _stop_. Any sane person knows they should stop if they're caught having sex, but Lexa was just too caught up in making Clarke feel good. 

 

That makes Clarke smile, and she leans in to give Lexa a small kiss. 

 

"Ew, guys get a room." Raven complains as Lexa and Clarke sit up again, and Lexa rolls her eyes. 

 

"I think I'm going to be in the doghouse tonight, just for safety reasons."

 

"Or you can just come to bed with me, I don't want a girlfriend who voluntarily goes to the doghouse. How bad of a girlfriend am I?”

 

“Guys, I need help. Which kind of pancakes should I order?” Raven asks, and they both ignore her.

 

“LEXA!” Lexa immediately pulls away from Clarke, looking over the top of the booth. She knows exactly who it is, instantly searching for a blob of short blonde hair.

 

“ADEN!” She shouts back, trying to match his level of excitement. She clambers over Clarke, a set of complaints reaching her ears as Raven and Anya groan about how she knocked over their drinks- but she ignores them as Aden gives her a hug. 

 

“I missed you! Anya said you weren’t going to be back until January!” 

 

“I’m only here until Monday,” She explains quickly, looking down at him. He’s smiling widely, showing off a new set of braces- and Lexa wonders where he found the money for them, hoping that he found a good family that took him in. “Anya’s treating you nicely, I hope?” 

 

“Yeah!” He says as he sits down next to Clarke, who gives him a smile. Lexa gives Clarke a confused look, not aware that Anya had took the time to introduce Aden to her. Clarke just shrugs, ruffling up Aden’s hair. “Clarke’s been really nice, too. I don’t know about Raven, though.” He says, glancing over at her. 

 

“What did she do to you?” 

 

“She almost cut my fingers off.” 

 

“It was an accident! I told him to look out!” 

 

“I don’t even want to know what _brilliant_ idea she came up with,” Lexa replies as she sits back down, purposely squishing Aden. “Has she helped you with your app, at least?” 

 

“All three of them have,” Aden says proudly, “If it works, it’s because of them.” 

 

Lexa tries her best to be interested in Aden’s story when she asks about his app. She really does, but she finds herself getting distracted by the littlest things- but eventually manages to focus on him for more than a few seconds. After they finish breakfast, Anya convinces a groaning Raven and Clarke to drive to the high school and play soccer. 

 

Aden was more than happy to agree, and Lexa rolls her eyes at the competitive glint in Anya’s eyes as Raven grumbles something about how she’s only agreeing if she ends up being the ref. 

 

“Okay, Lexa you and Clarke are a team, and obviously Aden and I are a team. Raven stop complaining an-”

 

“How come I have to be on Clarke’s team?” Lexa asks, “Aden has more experience, and you have a scholarship for soccer, this isn’t fair. I haven’t played in almost a year.” 

 

“I’m not _that_ bad at sports!” Clarke argues. “Besides, Aden has showed me some tricks.” 

 

Clarke proves Lexa wrong. Thirty minutes later, when all four of them are covered in sweat and Lexa feels like she’s about to collapse, Clarke kicks her third goal. Anya shakes her head, grumbling about how she should’ve never helped Aden teach Clarke, and Aden screams at Clarke, “You could’ve broke my finger!” He shouts. 

 

“It’s not my fault you’re a bad goalie!” Clarke shouts back. Her hands are on Lexa’s shoulders, and she knows exactly what Clarke is planning. 

 

“Wait, Clarke, I’m going to fa-” 

 

“No, you’re not,” Clarke tells her quickly, and once Clarke’s legs are wrapped around her waist, her chest pressed to her back, Lexa trips and almost falls. “I like Aden, he’s cool.” Clarke says quietly into her ear as Anya and Aden do the walk of shame past them, Raven throwing water bottle to them. 

 

“Yeah, he’s a really good kid, isn’t he?” 

 

“Okay, so, I might have talked to Mom and Dad about him, don’t get mad.” Clarke says.

 

“Why would I get mad? It’s great that you like him.” 

 

Clarke takes a deep breath, “They know that he’s your half brother, and I explained how he’s at the group home like you were, and um, they sorta offered to renew their fostering license so they can take him in.” 

 

“What?” Lexa asks stupidly, not able to hide her smile, “That’s amazing, why were you so worried to tell me?” 

 

“Well, um, on top of tha- Actually, I think it’s best if I tell you at home, okay?”

 

Lexa hesitantly agrees, and they say goodbye to Raven, Aden, and Anya, deciding that they could take the fifteen minute walk home to have lunch with Jake like they promised. Once they arrive home, there’s two cars in the driveway, signaling that Abby was also home- and Lexa’s planning to run away again, positive that Jake would have told her. 

 

Abby doesn’t grill Lexa once they walk in the front door, but the air is thick and awkward as Lexa says hi to her, doing her best to avoid Jake and Abby’s gaze. Lexa’s stress level goes through the roof when she hears Jake say, “Lexa, we need to talk.” 

 

They sit down on the couch in the living room, and Lexa sits on the chair across from it. Clarke sits on the arm of it, holding her hand, which Lexa takes as a good and bad sign. 

 

“We’ve been meaning to tell you since you got home on Thursday, but you’ve been… busy,” Jake says, “Your mom visited, asking about you.” Lexa’s grip on Clarke’s hand tightens, her jaw clenching. 

 

“Lex, mom and dad took care of it, it’s no-”

 

“I want to see her,” Lexa answers, ignoring Clarke’s attempt to calm her down. She didn’t want to see her mom to hear her sob story, or hear her apologies, but she did want to see her. That’s it. 

 

“Wh-”

 

“Clarke’ll come with me, we won’t even be gone for two hours. I just want to see her.” 

 

After several minutes of arguing and a few raised voices, Abby and Jake finally give in to Lexa’s request. In sloppy handwriting, Jake hands her an address, and Clarke’s frowning as they get in the car. 

 

“You can be mad, but I’m still going to talk to her.” Lexa says once they’re alone. 

 

“I know. Don’t understand why you want to, but I’m not stopping you.” Clarke tells her. 

 

They get lost a few times. Eventually, they manage to find her house in a small, older neighborhood in their town. Lexa’s so worked up, her anger ready to burst at any second that she barely realizes that she slams the car door when she gets out, or that she knocks on the door much harder than necessary. 

 

Her mom answers quickly, the door swinging on hinges that squeak loudly. “L-lexa? Oh, my god. Do you want to come in?” 

 

“No.”

 

“W-what? W-w-why not?” Lexa can hear the hurt in her voice as she glances over at Clarke, then back at her, “I wanted to talk to you sooner, but you were gone, an-”

 

“After nine fucking years, you suddenly decide you want to come back into my life?!” Her voice raises quickly, and the past nine years spent with the Griffins and wondering what she did wrong spill out. “And Aden? You knew you were going to have him when you left me. You can-”

 

“Lexa,” Clarke whispers, her hand on her arm, “Calm down. You’re gonna start a scene.” 

 

Clarke’s words have no affect on her, her anger overwhelming, “You think you just have a free pass? Do you know what you did to Aden? He still thinks you’re going to magically come back, you piece of s-”

 

“I- I didn't have a choice!” Her mother says, her voice rising to match Lexa’s. “I didn’t have a choice, I could’t come back!”

 

“Everyone has a goddamned choice! You chose to leave! You can’t just decide you didn’t screw up my life for nine years! All that time I thought I did something wrong, but it was you!” 

 

Lexa notices that a neighbor has walked out onto their porch to see what the yelling was about, and she knows that she should shut up, that she should listen to Clarke. She should walk away and take a deep breath to organize her thoughts, but she can’t bring herself to do it. 

 

“I- I’m sorry.” Lexa mother says, her voice suddenly small and broken. Lexa can see the tears in her eyes, the broken expression on her face, struggling to find a way to make her understand, but Lexa already understood. 

 

“You’re fucking sorry? You’re only sorry because you realized what you did was fu-”

 

“Lexa! That’s enough!” Lexa whips around, looking down at Clarke. “You said what you wanted to say, walk away.” 

 

She nods, not even bothering to say anything else as Clarke leads her down the porch steps, but Lexa’s anger is still there- and _god damn it_ she knew she was making a big mistake coming here. She doesn’t think twice- she punches the post as they walk by it, and Clarke gives her a look, _Are you fucking serious right now?_ As the anger slowly leaves her system, replaced by the pain in her left hand. 

 

“You could have broken your hand, when we get home, Mom needs to check it.”

 

“I don’t want to go home,” Lexa tells her, aware of how childish it sounds. She just caused a scene, and she’s sure her mother’s neighbor almost called the police on her. “I wish you could keep driving.” 

 

Clarke doesn’t keep driving, but when they get home, Clarke keeps the doors locked and they sit in silence. 

 

“She really made you mad, huh?” Clarke asks quietly. Lexa clenches her jaw, remembering how easy it was to yell and blame her mother for everything that had went wrong in the past nine years. 

 

“I… It just felt the same way it did before, when I was younger,” Lexa murmurs, refusing to look at Clarke, looking at her knuckles, which were already turning a dark purple. “I got so angry, and I-” 

 

“I’m not saying what she did to you is justified, Lexa. And you have every right to be angry, but you didn’t have to yell at her like that.” 

 

“I know,” Lexa whispers, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly, still refusing to look at Clarke, suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling she might cry, “There’s people out there who have it worse than I do, anyways. I’m sorry.” 

 

“Hey, don’t apologize, it’s hard. I get that. Just… Don’t let your anger get the best of you next time, okay?” 

 

Lexa nods, and Clarke carefully takes her injured hand, “Stop punching things, I’m surprised your hands still even work,” Clarke tells her playfully, trying to lighten up. 

 

“I will, promise. Unless I absolutely have to, at least.” 

 

Clarke takes that as a proper response, and kisses her gently, “Ready to go in? Or do yo-”

 

“C’mon, lets go.” Lexa says, getting out of the car. She can hear Zeus crying at the door, and grabs a hold of Clarke’s hand before walking back inside. 

 

They sit on the couch, wrapped in blankets and Clarke occasionally kisses her neck, just as a reminder for Lexa that things are okay, and Jake and Abby seem confused that Lexa doesn’t talk about what went down during her visit. 

 

Clarke falls asleep first, after their fourth movie that night, Lexa tries not to fall asleep as well, planning on waking Clarke for a few seconds to bring her upstairs, but the warmth of Clarke’s hands under her shirt and her slow, steady breathing lures her in a few minutes later. 

 

When Lexa wakes again, she’s upset that it’s Monday, signaling that her small vacation was over. Clarke’s still sleeping, and Lexa carefully gets up, going up to Clarke’s room to repack her clothes. 

 

When she comes back down, Clarke’s half awake on the couch, grumbling something about how Lexa woke her up, “Good morning to you, too.” Lexa tells her before giving her a short kiss. “I packed again, and I need to shower. Wanna come with?”  

 

All of their clothes are off by the time they even reach the bathroom, and Lexa turns on the water as Clarke shivers, “Why is is always so could in here? I’m freezing.” 

 

“The water’s gonna be warm in a few seconds, shush. Clearly, we didn’t think this through.” Clarke just sighs as she pushes past Lexa, getting in the shower, then poking her head out. 

 

“Well, are you gonna join me?” Lexa smiles widely, kissing Clarke as she steps in after her. The warm water cascades down her back, and Clarke laughs quietly- a sound she was going to miss once she’s back at training.

 

“What if Jake needs us again,” Lexa whispers, and both their cheeks turn red again at the memory. “I really don’t want a repeat of yesterday.”

 

“We’re just taking a shower, not anything else.” Clarke tells her. 

 

It turns out that Clarke was right. Lexa was completely content with standing in the shower with Clarke, sharing a few kisses, and other than that, just enjoying each other’s company. Clarke pouts when Lexa insists they should start getting out, especially since the water was starting to get cold again. 

 

“God, damn it, Clarke. You’re the best pouter I know, how do you do that?” 

 

“Does that mean you’ll wait a few more minutes?” Clarke asks, her face splitting into a smile. 

 

“Don’t act so surprised, you knew you were gonna win.” 

 

“Shush, you're acting like you don’t like it.” 

 

Lexa’s response is a small kiss to Clarke’s shoulder, before resting her chin there and closing her eyes. She’s sure she would have fallen asleep like that, if it weren’t for Clarke gently prodding her and turning off the water, handing her a towel. Lexa wishes she could slip back into sweats and a t-shirt to lounge around the house with Clarke again, but instead she slips into the pants and shirt she was given at training, knowing that it was expected of her to show up ready. 

 

Clarke watches her get dressed, forgetting to get dress herself. Lexa throws a shirt in her direction, and Clarke catches it easily, “Stop staring, Clarke.” 

 

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it. Your tattoo is just amazing, I-”

 

“It’s amazing because you designed it,” Lexa reminds her, kissing the tip of her nose. “Are you going to get dressed, or should I go make breakfast myself?” She asks, even though it was already nearing noon. 

 

Clarke grumbles something about how clothes are uncomfortable and overrated, and Lexa quietly agrees, knowing they’ll get distracted if she verbalized her thoughts. She watches Clarke, who just rolls her eyes and gets dressed quickly, and Lexa pouts, “You know, I took my time just for you.” 

 

“That’s because yo-”

 

A loud bang comes from downstairs, and Clarke and Lexa both race down the stairs, finding Jake standing in the middle of the hall, the small table where they leave the mail knocked over. He smiles in their direction sheepishly as Lexa cleans up the paper scattered on the floor, then fixing the table and pushing it back into it’s previous spot. 

 

“I might have forgotten that the table was there,” Jake tells them. Lexa hates the look of worry in Clarke’s eyes, and she hates it even more that she’s leaving today, leaving Clarke and Abby alone to help Jake. “However, it’s Monday, which means you’re going to be leaving soon.” 

 

Lexa bites her lower lip as Jake rests a hand on her shoulder carefully, wanting to blurt that he should have gotten the procedure done already, but she keeps her mouth shut, giving his hand a pat, “Yeah. I’m leaving at three. Since it’s a two hour drive, although I’m starting to consider I should stay if you’re going to forget where everything else belongs and make a mess.” 

 

Jake waves her off as he laughs, “No, I was just having some trouble adapting. What should we make for lunch?” 

 

The next two hours go fairly quickly, although Clarke grows quiet, only talking when Lexa asks her if she’s okay. She knows that Clarke was silently thinking stuff through, worried about Jake still refusing to get the procedure, and when Clarke frowns when Jake asks Lexa if she’s excited to get back to training. Lexa knows then that Clarke’s also overwhelming herself about what Lexa had told her about her plan after BUD/S training. 

 

Jake gives her a hug, telling her he doesn't want to end up crying while she leaves again, so Clarke takes it up to drive her back down to Coronado. 

* * *

“Thank you for driving me,” Lexa says, not moving to unbuckle her seatbelt. She knows that it wasn't the most convenient thing for Clarke, especially after their argument. Lexa’s surprised that Clarke wanted to drive her, thinking that Clarke would have wanted her space. It didn't matter, though. Lexa was happy that Clarke drove her. She knows that Clarke’s upset about the SQT thing as well. It probably didn’t help that Lexa told Clarke that the moment she was done with BUD/S, she was going to register for SQT.  

 

“Don’t mention it.” Clarke says quietly. Lexa still makes no move to leave, not even when she sees Instructor Gillespie staring at her, giving her a look like, _For crying out loud, it’s only hell week! Get out of the car already, you fucking piece of shit, Woods!_

 

“Clarke.” Lexa says carefully,taking Clarke’s hand in hers. “It’s just training. After SQT, they have to wait a year before they can even deploy me, if that’s what you’re worried about. I haven’t even finished BUD/S. It’ll be longer than a year.”

 

“I know, I figured it out,” Clarke replies, “It’s not that.” 

 

“Then what’s wrong?” Lexa asks, not meaning to sound so desperate. It was killing her to see that Clarke felt like she couldn’t talk to her anymore. Lexa couldn’t blame her, but she wishes there was something she could say to comfort Clarke. 

 

“I just don’t want you to end up regretting this.”  

 

That’s not going to happen,” Lexa quickly answers, already doubting her own answer. “That can’t happen. Everyone who makes it past SQT has to spend at least five years deployed an-”

 

“Lexa.” Clarke cuts her off.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa pauses, “What if you’re right?” 

 

“What?” 

 

“What if you’re right? That I’ll end up regretting this when it’s too late, after something ba-”

 

“That’s not going to happen, I think both of us are over-reacting.” 

 

That comforts Lexa a little bit. She’s still not exactly sure what she thinks. Maybe she shouldn’t even have gone back home to Clarke. She should have just rented out a motel for five days, to avoid all of the confusion that came with seeing her friends again. 

 

“I think I should get going,” Lexa finally says when she realizes that Instructor Shoulin is now talking talking with Gillespie, most likely about her. 

 

“Okay, stay safe.” 

 

“I will.” Lexa mumbles, leaning in to kiss Clarke. She can feel a small smile on Clarke’s lips, and pulls away. “Why are you smiling?” 

 

“Because I love you, is that okay?” Lexa smiles at that. 

 

“I love you, too.” Clarke pulls her in for another kiss that heats up quickly, and when Lexa’s hands slip under Clarke’s shirt, there’s loud tapping on Lexa’s window. Lexa pulls away, groaning quietly against Clarke’s shoulder. 

 

“It’s Tristan, isn’t it?” 

 

“It’s Tristan.” Clarke confirms. Lexa groans again as she rolls down her window, Tristan smiling widely as she does. 

 

“So, this is Clarke in the flesh.” 

 

“Don’t say it like that. She’s my girlfriend, stop sounding so obsessed,” Lexa tells him, “We were busy.” 

 

“Yeah, I know. Shoulin looks like he’s ready to drag you out himself, and half of the boys are debating on if Clarke is a boy or girl’s name, so I figured I’d save you the trouble.” 

 

Lexa rolls her eyes, “I apologize that you have to meet my annoying roommate, Clarke. He’s a bit of a dumbass.” 

 

“Hey! I was just trying t-” His voice fades away as Lexa rolls up her window again, looking over at Clarke. 

 

“Tell me when he’s gone.” 

 

“He’s walking away.” 

 

“Good,” Lexa say. She kisses Clarke again, “I’ll see you in January. Love you.” 

 

“Love you, too. Tell Tristan I said hi.” 

 

“Sure, I’ll never hear the end of it. _Hey Lexa, your girlfriend likes me more than you.”_ Lexa says, imitating Tristan. 

 

“Just go before I decide to drive away before you get out.” 

 

“Okay, okay, I’m leaving. Tell Aden that I’ll call him Friday, okay?” 

 

“Will do. Now get out before Gillespie kills both of us.” 

 

Lexa looks across the field, where Gillespie was still staring at her, his arms now folded across his chest. “He wouldn’t do that, he likes me too much.” Lexa jokes, grabbing her back from the backseat, “I’ll call you on Friday, too.” 

 

Clarke gives her another kiss before driving away, and Lexa catches up with Tristan, finding him in the dining hall with a pile of heavily buttered rolls in front of him.

 

“Want one?” He asks with his mouth full as she sits down. She doesn’t even bother trying to hide her disgust.

 

“No, I’m good. Thanks, though.” Lexa opts for one of the apple sitting on the middle of the table. “So, when exactly does Hell Week start?” 

 

“I have no fucking clue. After six, when everybody is back. Are you sure you don't want a roll? You should be carb loading to save energy for Hell Week.” Disgusted, Lexa accepts his offer. “Anyways,” Tristan says, diving back into his explanation, “They don’t call us in like they do during regular training. It starts wherever you are, whoever you’re with. It’s literally hell. Sometimes they come in with fucking bombs an-”

 

“Okay, I think I get the idea.” Lexa says as one of their classmates who overheard them sits across from them, grabbing one of Tristan’s rolls, despite Tristan’s attempts to stop him.

 

“I head they’re using a completely new idea this year,” He says lowering his voice, “Trying to find new ways to weed out the new ones.” 

 

 _Or_ _me_ , Lexa thinks miserably. 

 

“That’s really comforting, Mac. Get out of here.” Tristan waves him away. 

 

“Do you think anyone is going to ring the bell this time?” Mac asks, ignoring Tristan attempt to rid him. “I bet Atom’s gonna be the first one.” 

 

They all look over Mac’s shoulder, looking at the thin dark haired boy who’s reading in the corner. 

 

“He’s a little bitch,” Tristan says, “But I think he’ll manage to get through.” 

 

They both look over at Lexa, waiting for her opinion, and she just shrugs, “We’ll see.” She was already more worried that _she’d_ be the one ringing the bell like a little bitch. She honestly didn’t care about the rest of the boys, expect Tristan. And the more her and Tristan talk about Hell week, the more convinced she is the she won’t even make it through the first day. 

 

“It’s already six,” Lexa says, glancing at the clock sitting on the wall. 

 

“It’s gonna start soon!” Mac says excitedly as he grabs another roll. Lexa sighs as a few more boys walk in, looking for food. They sit in the few empty chairs, talking amongst themselves. Lexa had almost wished that they weren’t talking about Hell Week, but isn’t surprised to find that they are. 

 

“I bet ten dollars that I’ll last longer than you,” One says. Lexa rolls her eyes.

 

“You think I’m gonna ring the bell?” The other guy laughs humorlessly, “I’m not going to. I’m not a little p-”

 

The second boy who was arguing was cut off suddenly, a loud shout and someone kicked the side door off the hinges. It falls to the floor with a slam, and Lexa’s staring at it stupidly, just like the rest of the boys. 

 

A guy carrying a machine gun, followed by three others come charging in, firing from the hip. The lights went off, and then all for gunmen opened fire, spraying the room with bullets. Lexa hoped they were blanks. 

 

There was a piercing blast from whistles, and the other door is kicked down, four more men piling into the room, The only thing she knew for sure was that when the whistles blew, she needed it hit the floor and take up a defensive position- legs crossed, ears covered with the palms of her hands. 

 

“Hit the deck! Incoming!” Someone shouted, several minutes late.

 

Tristan is still next to her, his smile gone, in a similar position as her. Eventually, after a few minutes that felt like hours, the gunfire dies down. Once it’s silent, Lexa observes the first group who came in, and makes eye-concat with Instructor Shoulin. He towers over them, a proud smile on his face as he lowers his gun. 

 

“Ladies and gentlemen!” He shouts, the vein in his neck popping out as he stares down at them, “Welcome to hell!” 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm such a slut for Clexa and Troye Sivan so I just might've wrote a story about them inspired by his album.


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